True Romance...

[dreamingoftigers]

A year or more ago I would of been lecturing all on great marriages. Friends & family still quote us on how it should be. Right up until the moment the bubble burst I was complacent on what we had. I know it sounds melodramaticic by PTSD is the closest explanation for my feelings I can give.

 

It's lovely that people believe it must be year after year of ever decreasing crap to reach this point. Hold onto that 'reality' it's beautiful. The truth is that the wrong person at the wrong time can turn your life to ****. I never believed that for one moment. I loved that feeling of having a great life, a great relationship. That belief that I had some control over my marriage. Ignorance is truly bliss.

 

My husband's behaviour completely blindsided me as well.

 

Now, nothing surprises me about him. He's done it all, at least twice.

[ShatteredLady]

My heads spinning. I'm doing a lot of thinking. Im finding a lot of this really helpful & the warm, heart felt wishes mean more than you could know.

 

A couple of people have some facts wrong...I wanted to correct them incase it changes your advise.

 

12 years ago we didn't have children. Our kids are little. I didn't push for children against his wishes at all. We BOTH felt it was the right time & planned both of our babies.

When I think he REALLY loves her & he's always loved her....ugh! Now the tears start! This is my best friend I've shared my ENTIRE life with. He couldn't of been thinking of her when we made our babies, when his hand was on my stomach feeling them move for the first time, when he held them...

 

This time is an EA. she lives several states away. It was ALL WORDS!

 

Both times the way he treats me, the cruelty is alien. He's a different man. I KNOW when it's happening...I may not realize its an A but I know things are very wrong.

The problem is I'm now neurotic, paranoid, sick, panic attacks. My H has always suffered from depression. Weve lived with that for 25 years but now a quiet moment drives me insane. I need to talk but I don't know what to talk about. Does anyone understand that? Is that normal a couple of months after DDay?

 

"Do you think about her?" H - "No, it was a stupid fantasy!"

"Do you love her?" H- "No!"

"Why?" H - "She contacted me at a week moment"

 

For him it's all over. He's said his sorrys, he's explained, he's written a NC & from her reaction I don't think it will be a worry in the future. She's blocked, I have access (as much as possible with a computer geek). I know it's over because of his behavior. BUT I HURT!!

 

I have a plan. Getting my surgeries. Teaching my children for the new school system. Returning to England next summer. BUT I HURT!

[Mrs. John Adams]

Sweet Lady....I think this is a hurt that lasts forever. I think it diminishes over time.

 

Losing a relationship of any kind...a parent, a sibling, a child....hurts....and certainly losing a spouse BECAUSE THEY CHOSE IT...has to be the most devastating.

 

I love your plan....I love your spirit....I love your FIGHT! You know I believe in you...but the most important thing is...you have to believe in yourself.

 

Your spouse took away your power by cheating...he took away any say you had in the matter.

 

But SL...it is TIME for you to TAKE THE POWER BACK.

 

You must focus on you...getting well...nurturing and providing for your children....getting your life back. This man has STOLEN from you....don't let him continue to do so.

 

I so love reading Lion Hearts post.....listen to her...follow her lead...she is walking the path with you...she is giving you so much from her tender heart.

 

You got this babe!!!!

[merrmeade]

My heads spinning. I'm doing a lot of thinking. Im finding a lot of this really helpful & the warm, heart felt wishes mean more than you could know.

 

A couple of people have some facts wrong...I wanted to correct them incase it changes your advise.

 

12 years ago we didn't have children. Our kids are little. I didn't push for children against his wishes at all. We BOTH felt it was the right time & planned both of our babies.

When I think he REALLY loves her & he's always loved her....ugh! Now the tears start! This is my best friend I've shared my ENTIRE life with. He couldn't of been thinking of her when we made our babies, when his hand was on my stomach feeling them move for the first time, when he held them...

 

This time is an EA. she lives several states away. It was ALL WORDS!

 

Both times the way he treats me, the cruelty is alien. He's a different man. I KNOW when it's happening...I may not realize its an A but I know things are very wrong.

The problem is I'm now neurotic, paranoid, sick, panic attacks. My H has always suffered from depression. Weve lived with that for 25 years but now a quiet moment drives me insane. I need to talk but I don't know what to talk about. Does anyone understand that? Is that normal a couple of months after DDay?

 

"Do you think about her?" H - "No, it was a stupid fantasy!"

"Do you love her?" H- "No!"

"Why?" H - "She contacted me at a week moment"

 

For him it's all over. He's said his sorrys, he's explained, he's written a NC & from her reaction I don't think it will be a worry in the future. She's blocked, I have access (as much as possible with a computer geek). I know it's over because of his behavior. BUT I HURT!!

 

I have a plan. Getting my surgeries. Teaching my children for the new school system. Returning to England next summer. BUT I HURT!

Hmmm. Why, my dear, do you let him dictate what "over" means for you? If you HURT, you hurt, and he is responsible. Yet, like my husband, he isn't able to grasp how or why. He makes you do the hard work of making him understand. It's not fair at any point from start to finish.

 

He says to himself that he understands it and has his head on straight now; that's all that matters. Big f-king deal. And who's impressed? He does not do the bending and opening up to look at YOU. At the very least, I wish you would call that what it is. It's an inherent selfishness perpetuated by a lack of empathy or spark of interest in what someone else is feeling, much less the ability to acknowledge or, better, share that feeling. It seems to not even be important to him in the first place. Blame this on his mother (I do) and the rest of the family, culture and circumstances that let him get away with growing up self-centered, whatever. But call it. You do NOT have to be reeling from guilt that you "still" feel upset and hurt. Pissed would be better but at the very least don't blame yourself.

 

Then, get what you need. If you need information from him, get it. Maybe you'll have to explain (again) why, including how it makes you feel to have to make him help you. Words should be your friends if they accurately reflect your feelings and observations. Still, you need at least to say to yourself and to him that it's not fair that he doesn't know how (and if he doesn't know how, he doesn't want to) to help you get over the devastation of HIS affair. It may be too soon, but at some point, if you stay together, you need to articulate the further injustice and injury of his one-sided position and insensitivity to your suffering which he caused.

 

Begging means you don't think you deserve it, and you, oh, so do deserve it. You are worth it. You are worth so, so much more than this. You never deserved what you are going through and should have had the love, kindness and attention of people who understand because they are committed and compassionate - to YOU. Instead, you have to sort out the debris of his selfish reaction to YOUR life circumstances, none of which were your fault. He's been worse than a lousy partner.

 

At the very least, this should be acknowledged out loud by you if not by him. It needs to be said.

[ShatteredLady]

But there's the hardest thing to think. The hardest thing to write because somehow it makes it more real... What if I don't get better?

 

I know my spine will never improve but I can live with that. I can cope, no handle, manage anything in my life with that. It's just pain & it's amazing how much physical pain can be endured when you really need to.

 

What if I have these surgeries & they don't get rid of all the bad cells? I know any of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow but I KNOW there's a bus with my name on it.... I've got 2 beautiful little children. I know I shouldn't think about it. I know I need to start telling family & friends but they're so far away I'm just giving them worry they can't do anything about.

 

I'm sick & tired of being sick. My H has to endure this too. Ugh!!!

[Mrs. John Adams]

You are going to be fine. You will have your surgery...and everything is going to be fine. You are going to live and take care of your babies. You must think positive...you must S.....I am so sorry you have to endure all this .....don't give up ...Fight S...Fight with all your might.

 

Those babies and your parents need you.

 

To hell with your husband.....he needs to start acting like the husband you deserve.

[merrmeade]

But there's the hardest thing to think. The hardest thing to write because somehow it makes it more real... What if I don't get better?

 

I know my spine will never improve but I can live with that. I can cope, no handle, manage anything in my life with that. It's just pain & it's amazing how much physical pain can be endured when you really need to.

 

What if I have these surgeries & they don't get rid of all the bad cells? I know any of us could be hit by a bus tomorrow but I KNOW there's a bus with my name on it.... I've got 2 beautiful little children. I know I shouldn't think about it. I know I need to start telling family & friends but they're so far away I'm just giving them worry they can't do anything about.

 

I'm sick & tired of being sick. My H has to endure this too. Ugh!!!

PLEASE tell your family and friends. You need support and cannot do this alone. It's totally fine to admit that. NO ONE could handle all that you are carrying. You need the love and validation from people on your side. However they show that—outrage, comfort, affection, physical help—it would go a long way and give you strength.

[xxoo]

I just think you're wrong. That's the reason I responded to your post. What a wayward says and does while they're feeding their own ego and salving their depression isn't a reflection of their true feelings for their spouse. A grandiose gesture doesn't mean anything either. This guy made grandiose gestures towards his affair partner... then he went home to his wife. Unless somebody put a gun to his head, he's where he wants to be.

 

The other side of the coin:

 

What a wayward says and does while they're salving their guilt isn't necessarily a reflection of their true feelings toward their spouse or their affair partner.

 

I'd wager that this guy isn't happy with either scenario: with the AP or with his wife. What he really wants is escape. He's jumping from pan to fire and back.

[ShatteredLady]

We were very young when we got together. Every woman he has had sex with he's had whilst we're been together. He describes the last year as a mid life crisis. I do wonder if he feels he's missed-out on crazy 20's, wild oats or whatever you want to call it.

 

His best friend, best man was a dog when he was young. For some very weird reason my H had convinced himself that his friend had divorced his W & mother of his children at the time my H started his latest affair. He was picturing him having a "mutual happydivorce" & having the time of his life screwing around. I've asked & he had no idea where those thoughts came from!

 

His friend is a truly dedicated family man! My H wrote him a very embarrassing letter. Confessing A no.1 & No.2. Talking about what a great bum she has etc. Truly juvanille, humiliating stuff. His friend (my friend too for 25 years) wrote mature, deep advise...STOP messing with the other woman. Find a new career. Think about everything you're throwing away for a midlife crisis!

 

I wonder if this belief that his friend was reliving his 20's somehow gave my H permission to do the same? I don't believe they've been 'at it' for 12 years. I think she was an easy opportunity to 'get some' action & be one of the lads. It read almost as if he was saying "See! I'm cool too. I can get women!".

 

This just occurred to me! Does giving more information help you guys help me?

[xxoo]

You're making more excuses for him.

 

This is his SECOND affair. All the lessons to learn should have been learned with the first one. If he didn't learn from that one, why would he have learned from this one?

[Mount]

I can see so much pain for your writing here, but again you make choice to stay, so don't dwell on the fact why your husband was or could be still having affair.

 

As I pointed out before, my MM had tried to leave wife over 5 times, and been given "ultimatum" over 5 times not to contact me despite he told wife frankly he wants to have relationship with me. So now his wife thinks he has not spoken with me since her latest "ultimatum", but the reality is totally opposite as we never stop.

 

So something especially affection you can not give command to stop. It is all by choice. Again you clearly choose to stay in this marriage with your husband, however I can see the pain and daily torture is draining you.

 

We were very young when we got together. Every woman he has had sex with he's had whilst we're been together. He describes the last year as a mid life crisis. I do wonder if he feels he's missed-out on crazy 20's, wild oats or whatever you want to call it.

 

His best friend, best man was a dog when he was young. For some very weird reason my H had convinced himself that his friend had divorced his W & mother of his children at the time my H started his latest affair. He was picturing him having a "mutual happydivorce" & having the time of his life screwing around. I've asked & he had no idea where those thoughts came from!

 

His friend is a truly dedicated family man! My H wrote him a very embarrassing letter. Confessing A no.1 & No.2. Talking about what a great bum she has etc. Truly juvanille, humiliating stuff. His friend (my friend too for 25 years) wrote mature, deep advise...STOP messing with the other woman. Find a new career. Think about everything you're throwing away for a midlife crisis!

 

I wonder if this belief that his friend was reliving his 20's somehow gave my H permission to do the same? I don't believe they've been 'at it' for 12 years. I think she was an easy opportunity to 'get some' action & be one of the lads. It read almost as if he was saying "See! I'm cool too. I can get women!".

 

This just occurred to me! Does giving more information help you guys help me?

Edited October 24, 2015 by Mount

[minimariah]

He describes the last year as a mid life crisis.

 

what about what had happened 12 years earlier? nevermind the affair - what about his posts on another forum where he speaks about hating to deal with you & his life with you?

 

i don't understand the part about his friend -- this friend... is he divorced or not...? your H had convinced himself that his close friend was divorced and screwing around... based on what?

 

I think she was an easy opportunity to 'get some' action & be one of the lads.

 

she wasn't. you're underestimating her role in his life - she stayed on his mind for TWELVE YEARS. that's a LONG time. she isn't irrelevant or someone who he uses to feel cool. he didn't get womEn. he got ONE womAn that he didn't forget about in more than a decade.

 

look at his actions, ONLY at his actions - what do they tell you? be honest with yourself.

[Mrs. John Adams]

True...s....you have got to stop making excuses for him....just stop!

You say you were young....but that's no excuse...I was 17 when we got married...my mom was 14......now that's young! And guess what my parents have been married 61 years no infidelity. So just stop with excusing him for his choice to cheat.

 

You have got to make him accountable....he chose to cheat...not once but twice with the same woman. He chose to throw you under the bus on a health forum and say all those terrible hurtful things.

 

He is responsible for the pain you feel in your heart. He did that...place the blame where it belongs .......

 

You have got to stop beating yourself up for what he has done....none of this is your fault...none of it.

[goodyblue]

This is bothersome to me for you because my h and I knew one another for 17 years. We always had feelings but steered away from an affair but always were brought back. Now we are married.

 

You need to look more closely at how much she means to him... Or at least look at what she represents.

 

Your pain is palpable. I am sorry.

[ShatteredLady]

You know I'm broken & confused. Your thoughts about it going on for 12 years are exactly where my thoughts went. He claims that isn't true. He was feeling overwhelmed & she was there in November. It could of been anyone who said the right things to him.

 

To make things even more confusing his NC letter got the response "What are you talking about? It's all in your head! There's nothing going on...just flirting & being silly. It's not real!".

 

At the start in November she described their A in the past as "A moment of intrigue & possibilities". I'm so confused! My life has been ripped apart. As I keep saying its his behavior to me that's crippling. I now wonder if she considers anything less than sex...or making out 12 years ago" as being NOTHING! Just a bit of romantic, flirty fun. If someone asked her if she'd ever had an affair with a married man I don't know what she would say....but then she talks about all these romantic memories & "often wondering what might of been..."

 

I don't know if I'm being gullible. S**t I don't know anything.

 

I've been thinking about this thread. The sonnet (that hurts so much) I'm not even sure that either of them truly know what the words mean! He sent her my music, my wine, my children's books etc etc. His pet name, term of endearment is "Lovely Lady". That's what I call my best friend. It just became 'our thing'. Was he just wooing her with me?? Just giving her my things!!

 

I know I sound like a crazy lady sometimes but I'm still learning things. I say I found out on Mothers Day but he convinced me that that was just friendship. The first thing he sent her. It took me MONTHS to learn that wasn't true!

 

September was the first full month that he told me the truth...or the truth as I know it so far. I don't think I have hindsight yet.

 

I've spent nearly a year believing that my H was simply sick & tired of my health. I was told & believed at a very weak, broken time in my life that there was something I could say or do to save my marriage, my family. If I said or did the wrong thing I'd loose everything. Can you imagine how hard that is to live with? The neurotic paranoia of thinking & analyzing my every word? Trying to pretend in not in agonizing pain...

 

I would try so very hard, have a lovely night only to be told that I screwed it up the next day. That the 'spark' never caught! It's only recently that I've found we would spend a night like that but she would write to him the next morning. It wasn't me doing something wrong to kill the 'spark' it was their relationship!

 

I don't know! I don't know anything. I've had the worst year of my life....it would still be pretty bad if my H had been loving & kind. I think I'm strong. Maybe I'm weak. It's just one thing after another, after another, after another. There's only so much that a human mind can take & this little camels back has been crushed.

[anika99]

I've had the horrible experience of reading some of the correspondence between my husband & his OW. I'm not talking about the lies & nonsense here. I want to discuss the 'ROMANCE'.

 

As a couple we've always joked about how opposites attract. To be honest we're a mix of very different & spookily the same. Our HUGE difference is my H has always been a math & computer geek whilst I'm a literature girl. Our educations reflect this.

 

I would love to receive poetry & love letters from my H but accepted 25 years ago that he just isn't that kind of man. His 2nd email to his OW was beautiful. She had asked him if he remembered something & he replied sadly no, "But I will always remember the way your eyes sparkle when you laugh. The way your hand feels in mine as we walk into a restaurant.....". He even sent her Sonnet 29. One of my favorites. My heart would skip a beat if a man ever sent that to me. I would truly treasure that...

 

I've always been a hapless romantic. I know that some people just aren't like that. It's not a reflection of how deep & true their love runs. It's just how they are...

 

Why do some people find it in themselves to express romance & poetry whilst in the throws of an affair when it doesn't come naturally in 'real life'? Have you had that kind of relationship where you wax lyrical about the depths of your love? Has your BS organized romantic rendezvous you didn't think them capable of? My H says, "I love you" many times every single day but it remains an unrealized fantasy of mine to have poetic romance. I've never been surprised even for the big anniversaries or birthdays....

 

If anyone cares to share a truly romantic experience to lighten the thread I'd enjoy that too!

 

I haven't read the entire thread I just want to say that I think the over the top romance in some affairs comes from the sense that the affair itself is a terrible romantic tragedy (in the eyes of the participants). The WS and and the AP feel like it's a cruel fate that they didn't meet in another time under different circumstances. They fantasize about the great love story they would have if only they could be together in real life but Alas! the cruel cruel world has conspired to keep us apart!! Where are the smelling salts?

 

In reality, if the cheater wasn't sneaking around and having a forbidden relationship with the AP, they probably wouldn't be half as smitten and romantic. In real life it would just be your run of the mill dating relationship that would either run it's course or lead to a commitment but it wouldn't be the love story of a lifetime. Secret relationships are exciting and relationships that leave one longing and in pain ignites passion so affairs are perfect for over the top romantic words and gestures. I think that situation is what spurned this romantic behavior from your husband. The AP could have been anyone because it was the affair, not the specific OW, that sparked your husband.

[World's.Edge]

Shattered, sorry for the pain and anguish you're going through. Know though that how and what you're feeling is normal for someone who has gone through what you've been through and had someone say and treat them they way your husband has treated you.

 

You thinking that you're to blame, being neurotic, the paranoia, hyper vigilance, the anxiety, and everything else, that's to be expected for someone who has experienced infidelity and had their husband be the way yours has been towards you.

 

The way you described how you've been in your marriage as a reaction to the way your husband has treated you and the things he has said, that's the result of him gas-lighting you. Read up on gas-lighting and you'll see that that's how he has been and how it has made you feel as a result.

 

Your husband has been beyond cruel towards you with the things he has said and his past behaviour. He has treated you like s***. He has manipulated, deceived, blamed and gas-lighted you and these left deep psychological and traumatic wounds that you've never dealt with and recovered from.

 

 

(1) Stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself. This is not on you, this is on your husband and his behaviour and choices.

 

(2) Stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself. This is not on you, this is on your husband and his behaviour and choices.

 

(3) Stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself. This is not on you, this is on your husband and his behaviour and choices.

 

 

With the surgery I don't know how long your recovery will take and what it entails but you need to start taking better care of yourself and focus on your well-being.

 

There's no need to make huge decisions at the moment but you have to take steps to help and be a strong, self-assured and capable woman.

 

Work on being the best version of yourself. You might need to talk to a professional to work through what you've gone through and slo work on your self-esteem. Also talk to your friends and famly about how you've been, confide in them and allow them to support you. You have to be honest and you need the help, don't suffer this alone. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

To the best of your ability with your health issues, do what exercises you can, swimming might be your best option, eat healthy and sleep good long hours at night.

 

Maybe take a trip back to England soon just for some space and to be away for a while.

 

 

 

*(4) Stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself. This is not on you, this is on your husband and his behaviour and choices.

[NewLeaf512]

SL

 

I know you are feeling low and frankly it's all I can do not to cry myself reading this. You have been through so much and honestly are so strong but wow what an a"se your ex earthworm is.

 

This may or may not help. I've read it all and a few things come to mind.

 

He is a cruel person.

 

His attacks and misrepresentations aren't actually about you. This is what he is doing: he knows he is wrong. He feels so much guilt that he has to try to justify his behaviour to try to make it "okay". The more guilt he feels, the more he has to slam you to justify it to himself. Because the OW doesn't care why earthworm is with her. What benefit would she enjoy from his put downs and insults? This is earthworm trying to soothe himself. So just know earhwormd guilt is HUGE. AS IT SHOULD BE.

 

You mentioned that he goes to forums that you frequent and posts horrible things. I want to give you this;

 

"If you say you hate me and I worthless but you watch everything I do..... B@tch YOU'RE A FAN!!"

 

Please repeat this to yourself A LOT.

 

And for the record I am a fan of you. You're a top lady.

 

NL

[Ladyjane14]

The other side of the coin:

 

What a wayward says and does while they're salving their guilt isn't necessarily a reflection of their true feelings toward their spouse or their affair partner.

 

I'd wager that this guy isn't happy with either scenario: with the AP or with his wife. What he really wants is escape. He's jumping from pan to fire and back.

 

Probably. Most often it's all about the wayward.. not about the spouse or the AP, more like a reflection of dissatisfaction with their own lives. It doesn't matter if the source of the dissatisfaction is real or perceived; perception is truth when it comes to feelings.

[BlueDress]

Blue dress....May i ask you how you know this?

The affair isn't real and neither is what happens during it. It's a stage show.

Your husband had an affair with your best friend...and divorced you and married her.

 

Do you call that a stage show and not reality? I think it is pretty real.

The only place it is not real is in your mind...where you are calculating her demise so you can get him back.

You are in complete denial.

 

SL knows her situation is real.....and she is alone and frightened and sick... far from home and family who loves her. She lives with a man who abandoned her years ago....

 

She wasn't my best friend. She was a family friend.

 

Yes the affair was a stage show. They had all the showmanship that comes with great love and none of the hard work. You don't eat only desserts and say it was a good meal. Us BWs have the relationship. We have the hard work. The love and all the hard parts that come with it. Bills. Illness. Family concerns. We have the public standing. The acknowledgement that we are the legitimate partner. What does the mistress have? The fluff. The shadows. No acknowledgement. No hard work. A few hours a week. It's easy to write a love letter to somebody you only have fun with. That nobody knows exists. Who only shows you a carefully constructed persona that they only have to maintain for an hour or two here and there. It's harder to write the letter to the one you see everyday. The one who lets you see them at their worst. Not just their best. The one who sees the hard parts of love and family. The parts that take work because it's not all cupcakes and fantasy.

 

Yes. The affair is the stage show. When the show was over, SL's husband came home to his wife. Some day the fantasy ends and real life seeps in and the actors have to go back to real life. Be hateful to me and my situation all you want but it doesn't change the fact that reality is the marriage. The distraction is the affair.

[katielee]

Exactly blue dress, on your last two sentences...

Edited October 25, 2015 by katielee

[BlueDress]

It was more real to your exhusband than your marriage was - hence him hightailing it as fast as he could to be with his real love, who is now his wife.

 

SL has to decide whether she's willing to risk the same happening to her; or to admit that she's worth more than a guy who's really hankering for someone else while she busts a gut trying to reconcile a marriage on her own.

 

This isn't about me. It's about SL.

 

It was a fantasy too in her situation. A daydream. When he has to choose, he chooses her. Of course he's going to pine for the easy relationship with the carefully fabricated fake persona of the mistress. It's easier than real work. Real marriage. But at the end, he chooses his wife and that's what he calls home.

 

Even he on some level realizes it's all fake. Not worth it. Compared to the reality of true lasting marriage and love. Love isn't a letter. It's where your heart lives. It's the choice to work it out even when you fantasize about something else. When the love isn't as nauseatingly cliche as a movie. So yes it isn't real otherwise he'd be there and not with his wife.

 

Sometimes you have to fight on your own for what is important to you. Marriage has lots of phases. One of those might just be waiting out the fantasy until Peter Pan grows up.

[BlueDress]

Okay so the kissing' date=' holding hands, having sex, going out, spending time together, long talks and extended calls.. none of that is real? How can these not be real if they're present in most normal relationships? These may be due to infatuation but infatuation is present at the start of most relationships.[/quote']

 

Yes that isn't real. It's the dessert. Not the meal. The real love isn't just the fun easy parts. The stuff teenagers do. The real stuff is where you share your life. The hard stuff. Not the easy stuff. So he sneaks around with a girl. Who is caring for his kids? Helping pay his bills? Taking care of him, his family when they're I'll? Who shows up with him to weddings, funerals, events? Who has an authentic life with unperturbed moments and not a carefully constructed facade to maintain for a few stolen hours a week? Who's called Mrs? The mistress gets the easy romance. The wife gets the true love. The life. Anybody can be a poet to somebody the sneak a moment or two with a few times a week. That's not work. That's not real. It's an illusion.

 

My older cousin had an affair and left his wife wit whom he has three children and is now with his mistress and their child. Is that not real and still a stage show?

 

When he has the full life he has with his wife and it survives that then we will know. But the affair? Yes. Just a stage show. Now that the actors make the fantasy real life let's see if they can make the fantasy live in or if they prove again once a cheater always a cheater.

 

That was years ago and they're married now. Sorry that this happened to you but it seems as genuine and as real as any relationship.

 

this is not about me. Why are you quoting another post of mine for poor SLs problem?

[merrmeade]

Shattered, sorry for the pain and anguish you're going through. Know though that how and what you're feeling is normal for someone who has gone through what you've been through and had someone say and treat them they way your husband has treated you.

 

You thinking that you're to blame, being neurotic, the paranoia, hyper vigilance, the anxiety, and everything else, that's to be expected for someone who has experienced infidelity and had their husband be the way yours has been towards you.

 

The way you described how you've been in your marriage as a reaction to the way your husband has treated you and the things he has said, that's the result of him gas-lighting you. Read up on gas-lighting and you'll see that that's how he has been and how it has made you feel as a result.

 

Your husband has been beyond cruel towards you with the things he has said and his past behaviour. He has treated you like s***. He has manipulated, deceived, blamed and gas-lighted you and these left deep psychological and traumatic wounds that you've never dealt with and recovered from.

 

 

(1) Stop feeling guilty and blaming yourself. This is not on you, this is on your husband and his behaviour and choices.

...

With the surgery I don't know how long your recovery will take and what it entails but you need to start taking better care of yourself and focus on your well-being.

 

There's no need to make huge decisions at the moment but you have to take steps to help and be a strong, self-assured and capable woman.

 

Work on being the best version of yourself. You might need to talk to a professional to work through what you've gone through and slo work on your self-esteem. Also talk to your friends and famly about how you've been, confide in them and allow them to support you. You have to be honest and you need the help, don't suffer this alone. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

 

To the best of your ability with your health issues, do what exercises you can, swimming might be your best option, eat healthy and sleep good long hours at night.

 

Maybe take a trip back to England soon just for some space and to be away for a while....

Agree with all of this, a really good Rx for you at the moment. Take it one day at a time and consider these suggestions for improving your health, including seeing a professional. Allow yourself some focused daydreaming, e.g., enjoying life, visiting friends and loved ones, watching a sunset in your favorite natural setting. Envision that trip back home. Do you have time to spend a weekend at the beach? You need supporters that believe in you. You do have a lot here, SL.

[Ladyjane14]

You know I'm broken & confused. Your thoughts about it going on for 12 years are exactly where my thoughts went. He claims that isn't true. He was feeling overwhelmed & she was there in November. It could of been anyone who said the right things to him.

 

To make things even more confusing his NC letter got the response "What are you talking about? It's all in your head! There's nothing going on...just flirting & being silly. It's not real!".

 

At the start in November she described their A in the past as "A moment of intrigue & possibilities". I'm so confused! My life has been ripped apart. As I keep saying its his behavior to me that's crippling. I now wonder if she considers anything less than sex...or making out 12 years ago" as being NOTHING! Just a bit of romantic, flirty fun. If someone asked her if she'd ever had an affair with a married man I don't know what she would say....but then she talks about all these romantic memories & "often wondering what might of been..."

 

I don't know if I'm being gullible. S**t I don't know anything.

 

I've been thinking about this thread. The sonnet (that hurts so much) I'm not even sure that either of them truly know what the words mean! He sent her my music, my wine, my children's books etc etc. His pet name, term of endearment is "Lovely Lady". That's what I call my best friend. It just became 'our thing'. Was he just wooing her with me?? Just giving her my things!!

 

I know I sound like a crazy lady sometimes but I'm still learning things. I say I found out on Mothers Day but he convinced me that that was just friendship. The first thing he sent her. It took me MONTHS to learn that wasn't true!

 

September was the first full month that he told me the truth...or the truth as I know it so far. I don't think I have hindsight yet.

 

I've spent nearly a year believing that my H was simply sick & tired of my health. I was told & believed at a very weak, broken time in my life that there was something I could say or do to save my marriage, my family. If I said or did the wrong thing I'd loose everything. Can you imagine how hard that is to live with? The neurotic paranoia of thinking & analyzing my every word? Trying to pretend in not in agonizing pain...

 

I would try so very hard, have a lovely night only to be told that I screwed it up the next day. That the 'spark' never caught! It's only recently that I've found we would spend a night like that but she would write to him the next morning. It wasn't me doing something wrong to kill the 'spark' it was their relationship!

 

I don't know! I don't know anything. I've had the worst year of my life....it would still be pretty bad if my H had been loving & kind. I think I'm strong. Maybe I'm weak. It's just one thing after another, after another, after another. There's only so much that a human mind can take & this little camels back has been crushed.

 

Believe me when I say that I understand how many paths the mind runs down when you've been crushed like a bug by the person you most trusted and relied on. I know how you analyze each and every nuance, process and reprocess everything you said/did and everything he said/did.

 

Part of the reason for that is what's going on in the brain.. amygdala on high alert and frontal cortex trying desperately to sort the information. This is basically PTSD. If you haven't talked to your doctor or therapist about it, that's step one... getting your amygdala to chill out. Try The Body Keeps Score by Bessel van der Kolk for a fuller explanation of the brain function and some ideas for combating it.

 

As far as you husband goes... your pain issues are real, but that doesn't necessarily mean they're the root cause of his behavioral issues. Oftentimes a WS doesn't really even know what's causing them to create certain rationalizations. So yeah, it could be that he's just an insensitive, selfish jerk. Or it could be that there's some original wounding that starts his thought process down this hurtful path. It's not unusual for one to be totally unaware of why his brain spins information in a certain way.

 

Try I Don't Want to Talk About It and/or How Do I Get Through to You by Terrence Real for thoughts about covert male depression and how shame can instigate "grandiosity" (read entitlement) in men. Even if your physical condition was a trigger, it could underlie some fear/shame regarding his ability to cope with the situation. Or it could be something else altogether.

 

You don't have chains on your doors or bars on your windows, so if he wanted to be gone, he could be. It's easy to rationalize that staying is the easier path, but it's not. Yeah, assets get divided, but in reconciliation you've got to face the man in the mirror every day without all the feel-good band-aids you'd become reliant upon. That's not as easy as it sounds.

 

It's harder than people believe for a traumatized BS to put their focus on something other than the countless acts of disrespect they've witnessed. But if reconciliation is truly what both of you want, you need to find the root cause of the infidelity. And it might not be what either of you think it is.

 

I don't know you and I don't know your husband. Only you can decide if salvaging the marriage is worth the effort. What I do know is that recovering waywards don't want to dwell on the past because it makes them feel ashamed (and because they don't want to hurt their spouse any more). So efforts to "sweep it all under the rug" are normal. Your efforts, if you want recovery, would be to create a safe space where the root causes of the rationalized thinking can be brought to light and to get your PTSD under control.