True Romance...

[minimariah]

Yes that isn't real. It's the dessert. Not the meal. The real love isn't just the fun easy parts.

 

your assumption - that the affair includes ONLY the fun parts - is completely wrong. and with that wrong assumption - your entire theory is wrong, too.

 

here is the thing - in a marriage where there is no love, where you don't love your spouse and aren't happy with him or her... there is no hard work. there is no love. there ar eno fun parts but there are no bad parts either. why? because you just do not care. you go through motions and you're not fully in. in comparions - the affair can have a lot more hard work and ups and downs than any other real relationship why? because it's an affair - with an affair comes a huge amount of stress, sometimes guilt, doubt, pressure and judgement from others.

 

also - the fact that someone keeps staying in their marriage means nothing. if you're going to claim that fact as some kind of proof that he loves his wife... what are we going to do with the fact that he keeps coming back to the mistress after 12 years? in 12 years, he still doesn't care enough for his wife to actually keep it in the pants. and no, that's not a phase she should wait for him to grow out of. that's a sign that should tell her that her marriage is long over.

 

The stuff teenagers do. The real stuff is where you share your life.

 

again, AP very often do share their lives.

 

living together, being out in the public means nothing... absolutely nothing. it's about the emotion, what does it mean to you to be THE WIFE when your marriage is an empty and sad shell? you keep mentioning all the things that really do not matter, that are just a form... no word about the real emotions between the husband and the wife.

 

When he has the full life he has with his wife and it survives that then we will know.

 

according to that member - he already does. they even have a child together, if i understood correctly - so clearly they've been through a lot of real life work.

 

Shattered Lady - i have a feeling that your husband has you convinced that this is all somehow your fault because you got sick. it isn't. do not let him use your health as some kind of excuse for his affair. he should GLADLY be your support - none of this is your fault.

[xxoo]

SL, you need to put your efforts somewhere other than your marriage. Focus on your kids and your health. Whatever resources you have left in time and energy, put that toward your own mental health and joy. Do things that feed your soul.

 

Do you belong to a support group? You could probably find a support group for your health issues, for infidelity, or even for older moms or moms transplanted from Europe! Get on Meet Up and see what you find. Spend time with people who lift you up and make you laugh--who support you. Find your joy. Your husband will wonder what's gotten into you, and may even be more attracted to you (not the reason to do it, however). He'll also find that he has been taking you for granted, now that you're making plans and he needs to watch the kids and feed them, etc. Take time and energy and money FOR YOU. This will be a wake up call for your husband, and for yourself.

[BlueDress]

your assumption - that the affair includes ONLY the fun parts - is completely wrong. and with that wrong assumption - your entire theory is wrong, too.

 

here is the thing - in a marriage where there is no love, where you don't love your spouse and aren't happy with him or her... there is no hard work. there is no love. there ar eno fun parts but there are no bad parts either. why? because you just do not care. you go through motions and you're not fully in. in comparions - the affair can have a lot more hard work and ups and downs than any other real relationship why? because it's an affair - with an affair comes a huge amount of stress, sometimes guilt, doubt, pressure and judgement from others.

 

also - the fact that someone keeps staying in their marriage means nothing. if you're going to claim that fact as some kind of proof that he loves his wife... what are we going to do with the fact that he keeps coming back to the mistress after 12 years? in 12 years, he still doesn't care enough for his wife to actually keep it in the pants. and no, that's not a phase she should wait for him to grow out of. that's a sign that should tell her that her marriage is long over.

 

again, AP very often do share their lives.

 

living together, being out in the public means nothing... absolutely nothing. it's about the emotion, what does it mean to you to be THE WIFE when your marriage is an empty and sad shell? you keep mentioning all the things that really do not matter, that are just a form... no word about the real emotions between the husband and the wife.

 

according to that member - he already does. they even have a child together, if i understood correctly - so clearly they've been through a lot of real life work.

 

Shattered Lady - i have a feeling that your husband has you convinced that this is all somehow your fault because you got sick. it isn't. do not let him use your health as some kind of excuse for his affair. he should GLADLY be your support - none of this is your fault.

 

There's always work in a marriage otherwise leaving would be no big deal. Even in a broken marriage it takes work to be there. To stay. To say that a mistress shares that same level of relationship as the wife is denial. A mistress can pretend to take a few hours from a wife and family and kid herself that it means as much or more. That she knows more. She is a part of more. But an afternoon here and there doesn't substitute years of being with somebody. Having a life tangled with them. Even in a marriage broken.

 

She gets her afternoon with him, but on the drive home if he wrecks his car and lands in the hospital, who's by his side? His wife. She's put back in her box and the wife comes back and does the work. The true testament to a union isn't that afternoon in bed with some other woman but he lifetime committed to his wife. The mistress is always disposable like a first love. The wife is the one that's around forever even if they divorce especially if they have kids.

[xxoo]

There's always work in a marriage otherwise leaving would be no big deal. Even in a broken marriage it takes work to be there. To stay. To say that a mistress shares that same level of relationship as the wife is denial. A mistress can pretend to take a few hours from a wife and family and kid herself that it means as much or more. That she knows more. She is a part of more. But an afternoon here and there doesn't substitute years of being with somebody. Having a life tangled with them. Even in a marriage broken.

 

She gets her afternoon with him, but on the drive home if he wrecks his car and lands in the hospital, who's by his side? His wife. She's put back in her box and the wife comes back and does the work. The true testament to a union isn't that afternoon in bed with some other woman but he lifetime committed to his wife. The mistress is always disposable like a first love. The wife is the one that's around forever even if they divorce especially if they have kids.

 

It REALLY isn't a competition between the wife and the OW. Neither "wins" when the trophy is a stinky turd.

[Mount]

That is such a delusional talk, didn't your (X)husband abandon you already and married his wife now.

 

People need to accept the FACT and REALITY. At least "ShatteredLady" accepts the fact and well know the reality, although the reality is causing her pain which everyone here tries to comfort her.

 

I assume your (X)husband did not give a sh#$ about the hours spending with you (ex-wife) thus divorced you and married to his current beloved wife? You need to acknowledge and accept the FACT.

 

 

There's always work in a marriage otherwise leaving would be no big deal. Even in a broken marriage it takes work to be there. To stay. To say that a mistress shares that same level of relationship as the wife is denial. A mistress can pretend to take a few hours from a wife and family and kid herself that it means as much or more. That she knows more. She is a part of more. But an afternoon here and there doesn't substitute years of being with somebody. Having a life tangled with them. Even in a marriage broken.

 

She gets her afternoon with him, but on the drive home if he wrecks his car and lands in the hospital, who's by his side? His wife. She's put back in her box and the wife comes back and does the work. The true testament to a union isn't that afternoon in bed with some other woman but he lifetime committed to his wife. The mistress is always disposable like a first love. The wife is the one that's around forever even if they divorce especially if they have kids.

[Ladyjane14]

SL, you need to put your efforts somewhere other than your marriage. Focus on your kids and your health. Whatever resources you have left in time and energy, put that toward your own mental health and joy. Do things that feed your soul.

 

Do you belong to a support group? You could probably find a support group for your health issues, for infidelity, or even for older moms or moms transplanted from Europe! Get on Meet Up and see what you find. Spend time with people who lift you up and make you laugh--who support you. Find your joy. Your husband will wonder what's gotten into you, and may even be more attracted to you (not the reason to do it, however). He'll also find that he has been taking you for granted, now that you're making plans and he needs to watch the kids and feed them, etc. Take time and energy and money FOR YOU. This will be a wake up call for your husband, and for yourself.

 

While I definitely agree with "finding your joy"... you can make a decision to turn toward your mate or away from him. One decision leads to the possibility of real emotional intimacy, the other does not.

[minimariah]

Do you belong to a support group? You could probably find a support group for your health issues, for infidelity, or even for older moms or moms transplanted from Europe!

 

yes, this is a great idea! bonding with people who are going through the same things as you do does WONDERS for healing!

 

health support group could be a start.

[goodyblue]

There's always work in a marriage otherwise leaving would be no big deal. Even in a broken marriage it takes work to be there. To stay. To say that a mistress shares that same level of relationship as the wife is denial. A mistress can pretend to take a few hours from a wife and family and kid herself that it means as much or more. That she knows more. She is a part of more. But an afternoon here and there doesn't substitute years of being with somebody. Having a life tangled with them. Even in a marriage broken.

 

She gets her afternoon with him, but on the drive home if he wrecks his car and lands in the hospital, who's by his side? His wife. She's put back in her box and the wife comes back and does the work. The true testament to a union isn't that afternoon in bed with some other woman but he lifetime committed to his wife. The mistress is always disposable like a first love. The wife is the one that's around forever even if they divorce especially if they have kids.

 

Wow. You really have no idea what an affair entails. In my situation our relationship was far more meaningful than his marriage at that time was. That is why he left his ex wife and we are married now. We were the better match by far.

Just as your EX left you and married someone better suited to him.

 

OP needs to take a good long look at what she wants, and see how large the gap is between that and what she is getting. She deserves far more than this crazy making behavior from her husband.

[xxoo]

While I definitely agree with "finding your joy"... you can make a decision to turn toward your mate or away from him. One decision leads to the possibility of real emotional intimacy, the other does not.

 

That would be true if her mate were worthy of the emotional investment. Throwing good money after bad.

 

He needs to prove his worthiness first. Meanwhile, she needs to grow her self-worth in a more sound, stable investment.

[Ladyjane14]

That would be true if her mate were worthy of the emotional investment. Throwing good money after bad.

 

He needs to prove his worthiness first. Meanwhile, she needs to grow her self-worth in a more sound, stable investment.

 

I'd be uncomfortable from this distance identifying 'worthiness'. All I know is that what you start with, going into the reconciliation process, is typically a confused mess of a person who has already treated you quite shabbily and is most often still evading real introspection.

 

So, if 'worthiness' is the only place to begin... how could reconciliation be possible for anyone? And yet almost 70% do reconcile, and of those.. about half will end up stronger than ever.

[xxoo]

I'd be uncomfortable from this distance identifying 'worthiness'. All I know is that what you start with, going into the reconciliation process, is typically a confused mess of a person who has already treated you quite shabbily and is most often still evading real introspection.

 

So, if 'worthiness' is the only place to begin... how could reconciliation be possible for anyone? And yet almost 70% do reconcile, and of those.. about half will end up stronger than ever.

 

I'd say it starts with a betrayed spouse believing, "I've got better things to do with my precious time on this planet than be treated like crap."

 

Cheating spouses undervalue their spouse. They need to experience loss to realize the value of their spouse--and be motivated to earn their devotion. The idea of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." Right now, SL's husband does not value her. Giving all her resources to him right now is not going to increase her value in his eyes--or in hers.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I'd be uncomfortable from this distance identifying 'worthiness'. All I know is that what you start with, going into the reconciliation process, is typically a confused mess of a person who has already treated you quite shabbily and is most often still evading real introspection.

 

So, if 'worthiness' is the only place to begin... how could reconciliation be possible for anyone? And yet almost 70% do reconcile, and of those.. about half will end up stronger than ever.

 

I am not a professional...I am merely the survivor of infidelity. I did not "deserve" the gift of reconciliation from my husband....and he certainly did not "deserve" the betrayal of infidelity.

 

I am not sure "worthiness" is the right word...but i do understand and identify with whether or not a persons actions "deserves" a certain consequence.

 

And i do agree that in order for those of us to "validate" our behavior...there has to be a cause....and while that cause can certainly be the dynamics in a relationship....we have to be very careful that the "cause" does not become an excuse....there is a difference.

 

 

I don't know the statistics of reconciliation...I can only tell you about ours....and while our relationship is indeed strong....there are somethings that infidelity does take away....and you cannot get it back. The big one in our case is innocence. I would argue that we came out stronger because of the infidelity....I really don't think that's the case. I think we came out stronger "in spite of it".

 

shattered Lady....has endured more than anyone should ever have to in a lifetime. To have so many physical ailments...in addition to a cheating husband who blames her for being sick...living far from family and friends....experiencing the suicide of a beloved brother.......Quite frankly....her strength impresses me beyond words. She comes here to express her overwhelming sadness and her frustration....and we read her words and she breaks our hearts. And while we sometimes view her as weak and devastated...she gets up every morning and faces her demons head on.

 

I admire her strength and fortitude......she doesn't give up....she keeps on keeping on. She deserves a place to have people give her hope....and who support her when she feels weak and ready to give up.....and i hope Love shack continues to be that place for her....but i do think she needs much more support than we can give her.....

 

Group support where people are available to hold her and let her cry...to pat her on the back....who can look into her eyes and she knows they understand her pain....and her fears.

 

S....you know you will always have my undying support...no matter what you choose to do.....in addition you have my admiration.

 

I hope you have a wonderful day....hugs those babies....and feel the hugs each of us is sending your way.

 

C

[merrmeade]

You really have no idea what an affair entails.

 

In my situation our relationship was far more meaningful than his marriage.

True enough! No idea. If you can't understand the importance of embracing someone else's version of reality as your own, you just won't get it. It's the first step. To proceed and survive, APs must agree the marriage was wrong; they are right. Affairs 101.

[Ladyjane14]

I'd say it starts with a betrayed spouse believing, "I've got better things to do with my precious time on this planet than be treated like crap."

 

Cheating spouses undervalue their spouse. They need to experience loss to realize the value of their spouse--and be motivated to earn their devotion. The idea of "you don't know what you've got 'til it's gone." Right now, SL's husband does not value her. Giving all her resources to him right now is not going to increase her value in his eyes--or in hers.

 

Well, I think that's true. You do start with an either/or proposition where continued cheating is clearly not an option and the potential loss of the primary relationship is at stake. But in this case, the OW isn't a factor anymore, correct?. They've already decided they want to reconcile the marriage.

 

And of course the betrayed spouse has been undervalued. That's part and parcel of the stinkin' thinkin' going on in the wayward's head while he rationalizes his decision to seek outside the marriage. The past doesn't just disappear. It happened. The question becomes what to do next.

 

The idea that you're going to start with the finished product denies the reality of the process itself. It's all about introspection and growth. You don't get the cookies until after you've worked together to make the cookies.

 

It's pretty easy to unload a cheating spouse, move along with your life, and chalk it up to having selected a crappy mate. And that's true sometimes... don't get me wrong. Some people are just plain evil. But most aren't. Most are just too wrapped up in their own egocentric thought process with too much faith in their own perception of reality, which they then act upon.

[merrmeade]

Well, I think that's true. You do start with an either/or proposition where continued cheating is clearly not an option and the potential loss of the primary relationship is at stake. But in this case, the OW isn't a factor anymore, correct?. They've already decided they want to reconcile the marriage.

 

And of course the betrayed spouse has been undervalued. That's part and parcel of the stinkin' thinkin' going on in the wayward's head while he rationalizes his decision to seek outside the marriage. The past doesn't just disappear. It happened. The question becomes what to do next.

 

The idea that you're going to start with the finished product denies the reality of the process itself. It's all about introspection and growth. You don't get the cookies until after you've worked together to make the cookies.

 

It's pretty easy to unload a cheating spouse, move along with your life, and chalk it up to having selected a crappy mate. And that's true sometimes... don't get me wrong. Some people are just plain evil. But most aren't. Most are just too wrapped up in their own egocentric thought process with too much faith in their own perception of reality, which they then act upon.

I think SL is dealing with too many issues at once, with her diminished health issues complicating everything. But knowing what it's like, I dont' think any amount of pushing will make her let go the need to straighten out her history. It appears as an obsession and seems self-destructive but is actually healing to get it done. She has to understand, but she also has to get events in her own past synced with the affair, what REALLY was going on during that time—not what she THOUGHT was going on. What he was thinking and doing, what she was doing and THOUGHT they both were doing and feeling. She has to. Once she's sure about the facts, she'll zero in on him—why and how he got there, why and how he stopped (the affair).

 

I couldn't do it and finally be free of it, however without professional help. Otherwise you overlay your findings with the loss of self worth imposed on you by the whole experience. IC helps put what really happened in perspective, so you don't have to dig and obsess indefinitely.

 

The advice to get love and support from friends and family, take care of health, etc. will clarity sooner, emotional healing.

[Mount]

No no, I don't think so. From such the deep pain that "ShatteredLady" is still enduring, despite she is just being TOLD the affair was done, it is clearly that she just does not know that his husband just never ends with his GF yet.

 

That is why since "SL" chooses to stay in marriage but is also clearly aware her husband has not been remorseful or total devoted to reconcile yet, so she has to endure the daily pain, which to me,is a huge torture in front of your face every second.

 

 

Well, I think that's true. You do start with an either/or proposition where continued cheating is clearly not an option and the potential loss of the primary relationship is at stake. But in this case, the OW isn't a factor anymore, correct?. They've already decided they want to reconcile the marriage.

 

And of course the betrayed spouse has been undervalued. That's part and parcel of the stinkin' thinkin' going on in the wayward's head while he rationalizes his decision to seek outside the marriage. The past doesn't just disappear. It happened. The question becomes what to do next.

 

The idea that you're going to start with the finished product denies the reality of the process itself. It's all about introspection and growth. You don't get the cookies until after you've worked together to make the cookies.

 

It's pretty easy to unload a cheating spouse, move along with your life, and chalk it up to having selected a crappy mate. And that's true sometimes... don't get me wrong. Some people are just plain evil. But most aren't. Most are just too wrapped up in their own egocentric thought process with too much faith in their own perception of reality, which they then act upon.

[minimariah]

And yet almost 70% do reconcile, and of those.. about half will end up stronger than ever.

 

contrary to the popular belief - very FEW actually reconcile. many reconcile & things fall apart (again) after some years.

 

reconciliation is extremely rare. sure, people "reconcile" but things getting better & a couple being stronger than ever? that's not common. at all. i personally know many "reconciled" marriages, 95% isn't reconciled at all.

 

reconciling is not easy. it is a draining, long & exhausting road. and for true reconciliation you need true remorse and both partners wanting to stay together - not for the kids, house or money - but because they truly want to be together. for someone to be able to cheat and lie and feel many other emotions for someone else... then to bounce back and build a healthy relationship with their spouse? and for that spouse to truly forgive and trust? realistically, those statistics are closer to 7% than 70.

 

the OP doesn't have that, as simple as that. she has someone who isn't willing to be with her, truly for her & to offer her love & comfort. if that was the case, she wouldn't be here - feeling lonely and sad and depressed. where is her husband? why isn't he doing everything in his power to make her feel loved and safe and happy? what kind of crappy husband is he if he doesn't notice her being down?

 

she needs to get better and he is like this huge rock around her feet that she refuses to cut off. he had an affair 12 years ago, then now again with the same woman. so yes, she is a factor. in 12 years - he is running away from his marriage yet again. not to mention his posts on another forum about how he wants to be free or happy.

 

and the OP is sitting tight and dealing with whatever he throws her way. it is a matter of respect, too - he doesn't have any respect for her because she doesn't have any for herself. you gotta have limits. you can't forgive and keep giving chance after a chance when the other side doesn't show any sign to do the heavy lift continuously.

[xxoo]

Well, I think that's true. You do start with an either/or proposition where continued cheating is clearly not an option and the potential loss of the primary relationship is at stake. But in this case, the OW isn't a factor anymore, correct?. They've already decided they want to reconcile the marriage.

 

I think this is where we see things differently.

 

He decided to stay. I don't see anywhere that they decided to reconcile.

 

Basically, same pattern as after the first time he cheated with this woman, and his attitude toward his wife doesn't seem to have significantly changed. He's acting unattracted, depressed, etc in the marriage. He's simply there, but not interesting in building a great marriage with her.

[Mount]

That is correct, and I think "ShatteredLady" knows it well too - husband's body is physically inside the house, but where is his heart, where is his love/affection, where is his support? They are not with his physical body, and that is exactly what causes the pain of "ShatteredLady".

 

I think this is where we see things differently.

 

He decided to stay. I don't see anywhere that they decided to reconcile.

 

Basically, same pattern as after the first time he cheated with this woman, and his attitude toward his wife doesn't seem to have significantly changed. He's acting unattracted, depressed, etc in the marriage. He's simply there, but not interesting in building a great marriage with her.

[66Charger]

You have 99% of posters here speculating and telling you to divorce. Leave him and take yours AND HIS children to another country.

 

Reading what you wrote previously, he is trying. Obviously not perfectly.

One thing that bothers me is the "OW" answer to the NC letter was "what are you talking about? Nothings happening here." Were there words of love and desire? Only the 2 of you know.

What if what he said was true. FOR HIM. Doesnt make it right, but does it make it a EA?. This man endured the last 10 years with you. Life wasnt great for you so it wasnt great for him either. Does this excuse the first A. No. But you decided to R and produced 2 children.

 

One poster even wrote he has been thinking about her for 12 YEARS! ! Really? Where did that come from? And sure enough, soon you repeated it and now are thinking the same thing.

 

In regards to the pain forum post. Dont you wish that you didnt have to endure a life of pain but could live and love and travel like you 2 did for the first 10 years? Lets be honest SL, you wouldnt wish this type of life on anyone. Not even your husband. Sure he shouldnt have posted it, but you both may have thought it.

 

Perhaps you should give "shattered Lady" a rest for a bit. Really take a look at your husbands efforts without being told "to hell with him" He may not be doing EVERYTHING right but is he doing what HE THINKS is right? Do I think that you should put the divorce on the table to wake him up. Yes. Perhaps even a poly to answer the question of EA or A bad choice at a bad time. But I think you need to stop being shattered for a monent, see whats really there and bring your husband to the place where you need him to be.

 

Give it the effort once again. You still love your husband. Find out if he really still loves you. Spell out what you need or you will leave. Then give him the room to prove it to you. None of what I am writing puts any of this on you, but maybe you both need a break right now.

 

If its not worth it, then listen to the 99% and say to hell with him. Divorce. Maybe he will regret everything or maybe he will feel relief.

Edited October 25, 2015 by 66Charger

[66Charger]

You have 99% of posters here speculating and telling you to divorce. Leave him and take yours AND HIS children to another country.

 

I dont agree with that. Without speculating, just reading what you wrote, he is trying. And rhe "OW" answer to the NC letter was "what are you talking about? Nothings happening here."

What if there really was no true EA? What if what he said was true. FOR HIM. Not the LS posters. This man endured the last 10 years with you. Life wasnt great for you so it wasnt great for him either. Does this excuse the first A. No. But you decided to R and produced 2 children.

 

LS is whipping you into a frenzy. One poster even wrote he has been thinking about her for 12 YEARS! ! Really? Where did that come from? And sure enough, soon you repeated it and now are thinking the same thing.

 

In regards to the pain forum post, you have posted here that you wish or think about never having met him. How great your life might have been. Isnt that a slap in his face? And dont you wish that you didnt have to endure a life of pain but could live and love and travel like you 2 did for the first 10 years? Lets be honest SL, you wouldnt wish this type of life on anyone. Not even your husband. Sure he shouldnt have posted it, but you both thought it.

 

Perhaps you should give "shattered Lady" a rest for a bit. Really take a look at your husbands efforts without being told "to hell with him" He may not be doing EVERYTHING right but is he doing what HE THINKS is right? Do I think that you should put the divorce on the table to wake him up. Yes. Perhaps even a poly to answer the question of EA or A bad choice at a bad time. But I think you need to stop being shattered for a monent, see whats really there and bring your husband to the place where you need him to be.

 

Give it the effort once again. You still love your husband. Find out if he really still loves you. Spell out what you need or you will leave. Then give him the room to prove it to you. Nine of what I am writing puts any of this on you, but maybe you both need a break right now.

 

If its not worth it, then listen to the 99% and say to hell with him. Divorce. Maybe he will regret everything or maybe he will feel relief.

[xxoo]

You have 99% of posters here speculating and telling you to divorce. Leave him and take yours AND HIS children to another country.

 

That's not true.

 

I'm trying to point out a new way of thriving in her marriage. Realistically, she's stuck here in the States for a while. She should get busy making her life better, blooming where she's planted, regardless of what he chooses to do. Keep to your responsibilities and hold him to his. Put the kids and health first. Then, busy yourself living and doing the things that bring you joy.

 

I feel this approach would lead to a brighter future for SL, whether that is ultimately with or without her husband. It's possible it would be the wake-up call that would reignite his interest in being with her. If not, well, then she's already living a life full of joy. Win-win.

[Mount]

You have point too, but again,only the parties involved in the real situation can have the very accurate intuition.

 

So what "ShatteredLady"'s gut is telling her right now? Should her husband had a tiny bit true affection or support, she won't feel such excruciating pain right now, every second every hour and every day.

 

You have 99% of posters here speculating and telling you to divorce. Leave him and take yours AND HIS children to another country.

 

I dont agree with that. Without speculating, just reading what you wrote, he is trying. And rhe "OW" answer to the NC letter was "what are you talking about? Nothings happening here."

What if there really was no true EA? What if what he said was true. FOR HIM. Not the LS posters. This man endured the last 10 years with you. Life wasnt great for you so it wasnt great for him either. Does this excuse the first A. No. But you decided to R and produced 2 children.

 

LS is whipping you into a frenzy. One poster even wrote he has been thinking about her for 12 YEARS! ! Really? Where did that come from? And sure enough, soon you repeated it and now are thinking the same thing.

 

In regards to the pain forum post, you have posted here that you wish or think about never having met him. How great your life might have been. Isnt that a slap in his face? And dont you wish that you didnt have to endure a life of pain but could live and love and travel like you 2 did for the first 10 years? Lets be honest SL, you wouldnt wish this type of life on anyone. Not even your husband. Sure he shouldnt have posted it, but you both thought it.

 

Perhaps you should give "shattered Lady" a rest for a bit. Really take a look at your husbands efforts without being told "to hell with him" He may not be doing EVERYTHING right but is he doing what HE THINKS is right? Do I think that you should put the divorce on the table to wake him up. Yes. Perhaps even a poly to answer the question of EA or A bad choice at a bad time. But I think you need to stop being shattered for a monent, see whats really there and bring your husband to the place where you need him to be.

 

Give it the effort once again. You still love your husband. Find out if he really still loves you. Spell out what you need or you will leave. Then give him the room to prove it to you. Nine of what I am writing puts any of this on you, but maybe you both need a break right now.

 

If its not worth it, then listen to the 99% and say to hell with him. Divorce. Maybe he will regret everything or maybe he will feel relief.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Whatever she decides is right for her...is what i hope she does.

 

Right now my biggest concern is her HEALTH not her marriage. I want her to go back [home] where she can surround herself with her parents and they can help her to heal physically. She has no friends or family in the USA...and she will not be able to care for her family and herself. Financially...she has also told me she can get more help [at home].

 

I am not telling her to take her children away from their father permanently...by the way he too is from England.....

I just want her to get help. She cannot deal with the marriage while she is fighting for her life...she does not have the resources to do that.

 

She is truly in a horrible position....and there is no easy answer for her....and no matter what she decides...she has a long road ahead of her.

Edited October 25, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Personal references redacted

[ShatteredLady]

Wow! There have been so many posts! Thank you all. I'll try to go through & answer questions & clear some things up.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by BlueDress

"Very true. The affair isn't real and neither is what happens during it. It's a stage show."

 

In our situation (not all) this is very true. My H hasn't physically seen the OW for 12 years! For some weird reason they didn't exchange photos of themselves really (mostly kids) this time. (probably because my H was VERY insecure about his weight gain)

 

I'm piecing the puzzle together...it might not be healthy but I NEED to know the picture of my life.

 

They were on a work team together that was dispanded. Occasionally what the OW has been doing has been included in the 'life update' by a lady from the same team that I like. (she doesn't know about my H & OW she would hate him).

 

There have been years when the OW's been in relationships. I know the different states shes lived in. My H hasnt been in the same place as her. He could of arranged to if he'd wanted to. He says that she has "reached out" over the years but he's never responded..... (if it's ok I'll post her first email to him so you can tell me what you think??)

I've found one old email with a photo of my son as a toddler. She had obviously told my H that she had bought a puppy & he just said "My little puppy" under the photo. I couldn't tell if it was a mail sent to the whole old team or just OW.

 

She was artificially inseminated with 2 children (a little younger than ours) & travels a lot (1-2 weeks a month at least) but I can't find any evidence of her being here.

 

I do not believe they have been emotionally involved over the years. My H's character changes so much when he's cheating. Reading forums, articles, books I think he behaves more like a typical 'female romance cheater'. Know what I mean?

The first time (12 years ago) it was all 'holding hands & staring into eachothers eyes'. Nothing sexual in mails at all.

This time there was some sexual innuendo but she shut that down & returned the conversation to 'innocent' (childish) lovey-dovey stuff.

Weird huh??

 

Since the last DDay he's told me some honest things I had no way of finding out on my own so I think he's now telling the truth.