lost808 Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I have been dating a married man for almost a year now. We work together and see each other everyday and on weekends. From the beginning he told me he is unhappily married and has not had feelings for his wife for years, but they have 4 children under the age of 6? ( He said that happend when he was drunk??) He does not hide our relationship from anyone. Everyone at work knows and so does his wife and his in laws ( he lives with his wife and in laws) He told me he does not sleep with his wife anymore since our relationship started and I believe him. His wife found out because she heard the gossip from our work and we live in a small town. When she found out he told her the truth and then she even came to see me at work which was very awkward and uncomfortable. When we are together and she calls he usually doesn't answer the phone or when he does hes very firm and cold with her and he doesnt lie about whre he is, he tells her the truth. He almost left her a few weeks ago but he went back, he said its because of the kids. She threatened that if he leaves he wont see the kids again and that he will have to pay alot of child support. He is the bread winner of the family. He said he wants to leave but does not know how to do it and its hard because he loves his kids. I am confused because of the fact that he is not hiding our relationship and everything that he does shows me he really does love me and that he really does have no feelings left for his wife. But......why does he stay in that cold unhappy house? I am trying to be patient because I also have two kids and know how hard it is to leave when kids are involved. I would like some advice - Do you think he really is going to leave? Or if he was going to leave would he have already done it? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 Hi Lost: Where do all of you live? In the U.S., it's not possible for a wife to legally take the kids and not allow their father to see them again, unless he is abusive/a drug addict/a danger to them. (And it's very tough to prove those things and make it stick.) so her threat, at least in the U.S., would be an empty one. it sounds like the two of them are locked in a battle that has gone on for some time and involves quite a bit of drama and cruelty. he may very well love you, but I think it's in your best interests to create some distance there while he sorts out his mess. I've said it before and I'll say it again: Divorce is not the worst thing that can happen to kids, in my opinion. Living in a home where the parents are engaged in open, hostile warefare like this is far more damaging. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 He almost left her a few weeks ago but he went back, he said its because of the kids. She threatened that if he leaves he wont see the kids again and that he will have to pay alot of child support. He is the bread winner of the family. He said he wants to leave but does not know how to do it and its hard because he loves his kids. I would believe what he says. In the U.S. divorce laws are unfair financially to breadwinners (male or female). I would help him learn divorce laws in his state. As a start watch the movie Divorce Corp. If it is about money, then it may be that as soon as he figures out how he can divorce with some financial dignity and still have 50/50 time sharing with his kids that he'll jump at the chance. It could be that if his wife hadn't threatened him financially all these years that he would have left already. Or it could be lies. You never know. You have to keep listening to your heart and educating yourself. Remember, he may not divorce and if he divorces he may not marry you. Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 But......why does he stay in that cold unhappy house? I am trying to be patient because I also have two kids and know how hard it is to leave when kids are involved. I would like some advice - Do you think he really is going to leave? Or if he was going to leave would he have already done it? Has anyone been in a similar situation? I am guessing the burden of finances. While it may seem like a threat it is true... for four kids and being the bread winner he will be paying his fair share of child support and possibly alimony (if he is in the U.S., depending on the state). Plus splitting the assets and all and having to suddenly finance two households. Even if your MM is well off people tend to bristle at the idea of parting with their money, especially having to split it with someone that they do not like. I think more than anything it usually boils down to finances and lifestyle, for the cheating spouse as well as the betrayed one as to why they stay. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 22, 2015 Share Posted October 22, 2015 I would not believe what he says. Either way, you have no chance. You should abandon the ship, imo. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I suspect that he's the one who is causing his house to be cold and unhappy. How much does he really love his kids when he is flaunting his affair in front of everyone and spending time with you that he should be spending with his kids? It will cost him a lot in child support when he leaves. If he doesn't want to part with his money then he won't be leaving his marriage. If you already have two kids of your own then why do you want to take on his marital and financial baggage? Don't you think your kids deserve a better stepfather than this guy? 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 they have 4 children under the age of 6? ( He said that happend when he was drunk??) Really 4 kids when he was drunk...1 maybe, 2 unlikely......but 4??? 4 kids under 6 and he claims he was drunk.......he could have divorced her before they had any children.......because he didn't intend to create new lives...but he didn't. If he couldn't leave her with no kids and he had no feelings for her...What's going to make him leave now. He kept having kids that would tie him to her for longer and longer. Does that make any sense to you? Unless he was forced to marry her (via cultural arrangement), this one beats me. I'm thinking this is not the western world, because I can't see any western woman accepting this enforced open marriage. As a mother , you know that 4 kids under 6 is damn hard...it's hard mentally, emotionally and physically. I think you should note how he treats his wife and the mother of his 4 children with such little regard.........that could be you one day. Those kids must witness him speaking to her in a mean and nasty way so often at home.......that's the man you choose to be with. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
Ms. Faust Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I'm thinking this is not the western world, because I can't see any western woman accepting this enforced open marriage. Oh, I totally can. It's amazing what low self esteem, desperation, and $$$$$$ will do to a person. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost808 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 They had one child when they were 17 and yes they were actually forced to get married after that child was born as part of the culture. I do not want to say what culture because I do not wish to identify myself although I am from the US. We are also living outside of the U.S. and child support laws here are much more in favor of the mother. I have thought about the fact that if he can treat her that way he could treat me that way one day but I have known him for almost 5 years and he is a very quiet and soft person. He is very much a people pleaser and always puts other people before himself and it looks to me like he tried his best to make it work but it did not? I could be wrong. He is so used to being told what to do and how to do it that I feel as though this is also one of the reasons its so hard for him to leave and maybe because of that he never will. Link to post Share on other sites
Lurkeraspect Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 They had one child when they were 17 and yes they were actually forced to get married after that child was born as part of the culture. I do not want to say what culture because I do not wish to identify myself although I am from the US. We are also living outside of the U.S. and child support laws here are much more in favor of the mother. I have thought about the fact that if he can treat her that way he could treat me that way one day but I have known him for almost 5 years and he is a very quiet and soft person. He is very much a people pleaser and always puts other people before himself and it looks to me like he tried his best to make it work but it did not? I could be wrong. He is so used to being told what to do and how to do it that I feel as though this is also one of the reasons its so hard for him to leave and maybe because of that he never will. So wait, they have 4 kids under 6 with the first being born when they were 17? So he's, what, 23? And you're falling for the "I was drunk" when all 4 of these kids were conceived? He's either a raging alcoholic or a liar, or both. The other thing that bothers me, is the statement that he "puts everyone first" and "he's tried his best to make it work". Both of those statements are highly unlikely as he's been in an affair for the last year with you, yet is still popping out kids. How do you presume that he's taking care of his wife and children when he spends everyday (and weekends) with you? Thats simply untrue. The person he is taking care of, is himself. Who knows if he'll ever leave his marriage, I'd guess not likely. Why would he? He's got you available whenever he wants you, and wifey at home raising his children. What will you do when he drunkenly gets his wife pregnant for the fifth time? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lost808 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Lurkeraspect - You are right! I have not even been able to look at it from that point of view. Its so hard to see things clearly when you are in the middle of all these feelings and emotions. I found out his wife was 8 months pregnant about 4 months into our relationship, by then I already had strong feelings and was very confused. It took me a while to actually leave my own marriage so I guess I thought he will leave in time because it seems as though he really loves me, but now I'm thinking you are right. I think I am just wasting my time. If he WANTS to be with me he would be, but hes not he still goes home to her house everyday. Regardless of the child support, guilt, kids or whatever it may be ...if he wanted me he would be looking for a way to make it work but it seems as though he is doing nothing. Thanks I needed to hear this. I need to find a way to end this relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 You said it perfectly when you said not in US the laws heavily favor his wife. So what you have is a guy who is going to get the short end of the stick in any divorce proceedings openly having an affair with you because he does not have the character to divorce her because he is so selfish for his creature comforts that he cannot pull the plug. And of course he has you there to satisfy his physical needs. In one year he shoulkd have been able to figure out how to leave her if he had any intention to do that. And one more thing. Should he leave her, you two are going to have some time of it financially with him paying child support for four young kids unrtil they are 18 years old. Not sure if you have thought about that one. You are caught up in an affair high and since his wife is helpless to interfere he does what he wants to. Get yourself together and find an eligible man with no baggage and you will have a much brighter future. Link to post Share on other sites
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