Open relationship dilemma

[INTJlg]

I can't find a section that will fit my subject, but I hope here is fine.

 

This is sort of rambling, I know. I'm usually used to figuring out complex situations in my life, but this time I'm at a lose. I'm trying to digest thoughts in my head, so I'm sort of looking for validation in my complex feelings. Yea I know I don't need external validation, but it's a need to know if my feelings are something my emotions are falsely showing me. Maybe, I'm just right on point, and it's a natural process.

 

Yes, me and my lovely wife had been (more like still in the process) in discussing opening our marriage. We've been talking about this for over two years, we have read as many articles and forums. We have dissected every bit of information we can find. Our conversations have been very solid, and she is very supportive of my feelings so far.

 

The jealousy issue I have right now is like an amusement park. See, I don't care if everybody is going to the park and riding all the rides. Now, my partner, companion, essentially my spouse, I'd rather we do everything at a similar (not same) pace. It's like we are talking about going to the park, but now she has a ticket, but I don't have one. She has not gone, so she is not getting on any rides, but I'm having problems even getting a ticket.

 

So what does all this mean? Well in short, not dancing around the subject. There is a guy, she is totally feeling this guy. Where we hang out (used to be just us), we all hang out now. Hanging out with the guy, he's really cool, in actuality me and him are very much alike. It's just that, seeing all the flirting, the connecting the energy leaves me a little left out. This has become less a open situation, as more a bizarre poly like situation. The problem with that, is I can't divide nor be divided in this, as in I need to have one on one conversation, not group.

 

There is not a fear of trust. We are constantly communicating with each other. With our conversation, she assured me even if all the stars aligned, she wouldn't be interested in any relationship or dating for at the soonest one year. Not to mention, we are both aware of this guys situation. There is nothing that they can do, nor advance at this time that would be a problem to our arrangement. But, what I know she is very good at maintaining friendships for very long periods. I'm alright with the fact that she would like to keep him on the hook until we say it's a go, which is what she is doing.

 

But I question, how do one balance when, someone seems to have all the speed and fun, when you're having trouble getting out the gate. I don't want to pull her out of her potential, because I have none right now. Even if she pulls back, and lose her option and I finally gain one, now she's in my shoes, because meeting people you can connect with is actually rare for both of us. Paradox of sorts.

[mystikmind2005]

That's a tough one!

 

From what i can glean from your post, you are not comfortable with the idea of an open marriage, but also you don't want to close the door on the idea either - it is a bit like you want your cake and eat it too kind of thing?

 

One solution could be to start with another open couple rather than an individual?

[bubbaganoosh]

Friend I hate to tell you this but you lose coming right out of the gate. Woman walks in a bar and asks "Who wants to go with me to a motel for sex" and the guy who owns the bar is the only guy left there unless he goes too and shuts the place down.

 

A guy walks in and says the same thing and would be laughed out of the building.

 

It's a unfair situation and you should have thought about that before you broached the subject with your wife.

 

My advice is to try to put the genie back in the bottle and if you could, break it and leave it be. Your not ready of this and if the time comes you meet a woman, your not too sure how you wife will handle it.

 

If you want to step out of your marriage so to speak then take her to a swingers club and check the place out and meet a couple and go from there but you both better make sure it's what you want or else there could be trouble. Think.

Edited October 23, 2015 by bubbaganoosh

[INTJlg]

That's a tough one!

 

From what i can glean from your post, you are not comfortable with the idea of an open marriage, but also you don't want to close the door on the idea either - it is a bit like you want your cake and eat it too kind of thing?

 

One solution could be to start with another open couple rather than an individual?

 

It's not a thing of being comfortable in an open marriage in general. Honestly I can be indifferent to that. I am actually very supportive of our potential future. Also it's not official yet anyway, it's more or less finding a happy medium for my own pace, and not spoiling my partners experience.

 

 

Friend I hate to tell you this but you lose coming right out of the gate. Woman walks in a bar and asks "Who wants to go with me to a motel for sex" and the guy who owns the bar is the only guy left there unless he goes too and shuts the place down.

 

A guy walks in and says the same thing and would be laughed out of the building.

 

It's a unfair situation and you should have thought about that before you broached the subject with your wife.

 

My advice is to try to put the genie back in the bottle and if you could, break it and leave it be. Your not ready of this and if the time comes you meet a woman, your not too sure how you wife will handle it.

 

If you want to step out of your marriage so to speak then take her to a swingers club and check the place out and meet a couple and go from there but you both better make sure it's what you want or else there could be trouble. Think.

 

 

Yup, two years of discussing and researching. We have had this exact conversation over a year ago. So, to be blunt that would be failed thinking. If I were the stereotypical guy, then yes it's all about sex, except.... I'm more into the emotional bonding scenario, that's the only thing that makes sex worthwhile. If she was going to be the type that would give it up to anything that walks, we wouldn't be here. As in such, I'm not arrogant, but sex is actually easy this day and age, it's actually connecting with an individual that you are having sex with that's difficult. My problem that I have on my end, is developing genuine friendships with people first.

[qubist]

this only means that you are not ready to open up your marriage yet. you said you had read about it then you should know that unless both of you "free" yourselves from all jealous thoughts it would not work. it is not because she already has a ticket to a park while you haven't yet. trust me even if you did have a second option the fact that you felt "left out" tells me that you are jealous which is normal don't beat yourself for it. it only means that opening up your marriage would be a huge risk that you should disregard at least for now

[kendahke]

The reason why swinging works is because both partners keep their emotions in check. If your wife is incorporating this new guy into your life to the point where you're in your feelings about it not being fair that you have no one to get kissy-face with, then it stands to reason that your relationship isn't strong enough for swinging. You're in your feelings and that can't stand.

 

Time to renegotiate this.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

Who's original idea was this, your wife's or yours? Don't say both, because that's virtually impossible. Does she have a history of cheating or being with multiple partners? Do you realize that it'll be very easy for her to find partners & almost impossible for you? The part that makes me feel ill: do you guys have kids?

[TexasMan68]

So if I'm reading your analogy about the amusement park correct your somewhat upset that the line to ride your wife has filled up quicker than yours? No one is buying the "lets have sex" with the husband tickets so far and you find yourself the proud participant in whats known as a cuckhold relationship. This my friend is how it will be in your open relationship so I hope your happy with hearing about all the sex your wife will be having. It's a win win situation for her . You might want to think long and hard about opening up this amusement park, once you do it might be hard to shut it down in the future. Especially if she likes those really big sausages on a stick that you find at those parks.

[smackie9]

If you are feeling that you are losing the race because of the pace, you are nowhere near emotionally ready to step into an open marriage. This isn't a race or a competition, it's just about having sex. And it's a no brainer that women get the sex way easily than men do. This is something you have to face....it is not changeable.

 

IMO an open marriage is only about the sex, not dating or hanging out with your sex partner.

 

You both can do a different approach buy joining a swingers club. This will probably level out the playing field. You do a meet and greet, you set up the sex.

[central]

The reason why swinging works is because both partners keep their emotions in check. If your wife is incorporating this new guy into your life to the point where you're in your feelings about it not being fair that you have no one to get kissy-face with, then it stands to reason that your relationship isn't strong enough for swinging. You're in your feelings and that can't stand.

 

Time to renegotiate this.

 

Swinging is far easier to handle emotionally than an open relationship, because usually it is something you do together with another couple, so no one is left out, left behind, or otherwise missing anything.

 

In an open relationship, you are each going after your separate desires, and even if jealousy isn't an issue, there can still be other issues that arise simply because this isn't a shared activity. One of the biggest problems can simply be missing out on time together because one of you is off with someone else - whether or not you are as well.

[INTJlg]

I was ready to write this board off, not because of anything other than most of what has been said so far, I have read two years ago, and we discussed that to great ends. I was maybe hoping for a more in depth idea of experiences starting out. I really only needed to see thoughts that weren't my own, but after a nights rest I have a more accurate sense of my problem. At this point, it does not matter if we open or not, I am now fully aware of the envy issue I have. It may be complicated at this point for others to understand, but for my wife, it has always seemed easier for her to make genuine friends, for me I only used people for my purpose, I discard people easy. Even if we don't go down this route, I will still desire some sort of outside friendship that dose not allow me discard a person as an object of gain.

 

There are many pathways we discussed, the open thing just sprawled out of the idea we may advance. We talked about swinging, but the problem that arose with that, would be how difficult it would be to find a couple that we both vibe with. To be honest, still would not be a bad route, but if it boiled down to meaningless sex, I'd prefer going solo, which I wouldn't have any problems with.

 

 

So if I'm reading your analogy about the amusement park correct your somewhat upset that the line to ride your wife has filled up quicker than yours? No one is buying the "lets have sex" with the husband tickets so far and you find yourself the proud participant in whats known as a cuckhold relationship. This my friend is how it will be in your open relationship so I hope your happy with hearing about all the sex your wife will be having. It's a win win situation for her . You might want to think long and hard about opening up this amusement park, once you do it might be hard to shut it down in the future. Especially if she likes those really big sausages on a stick that you find at those parks.

 

No, no one is planning on living at the park first. It is just a limited experience. If we have our on unique relationships, that's fine, she has her fun I will be having mine. If how you perceive it as never ending streams of one night stands, that then would be a different story, except you are mistaken that I could not have that. I am not interested in that, I have had plenty of tickets to that ride, and sure to have plenty more. I don't want that, not at least for myself I would say, and I believe her when she says not for her as well.

[CarrieT]

I am now fully aware of the envy issue I have.

This is what it will boil down to and - ultimately - cause the house of Open Cards to tumble.

 

I am 51 years old now. When I was 20, I married and my first husband and I were quite the swinging couple. So, 30 years ago, we did the Open Marriage thing.

 

Like you, there was a ton of frank, open discussion but it was obvious that I was going to get more opportunities than he would, so we starting doing threesomes and more-somes so that he would be included.

 

But when emotions become involved, all bets get thrown out the window. I had my head turned by someone I had *astonishing* sexual chemistry with. Granted, there was nothing between his ears in the way of brain cells and he even kind of knew it. But, man-o-man, could that guy get me off.

 

In any event, our Open Marriage failed when my husband's needs were not getting met - and not because I wasn't trying to give him everything as well. He wanted the ability that I had to attract and engage in other sexual relations.

 

But then I found out he did. Mine came crashing down when I came home early from work one day and found him in a People Puddle of other men. So he found his sexual outlet in homosexual activities and my marriage ended.

 

The bottom line? If it is not 100% equitable, understood, and there is NO secrets, than an Open Marriage can work. I have seen it happen. But it is rare - like the unicorn.

[smackie9]

Well it sounds like you are the one that is being faced with some hurdles....some you won't be able to get over. what you are wanting isn't going to really work unless you both are smashingly attractive..then your options will be limitless. Sounds to me you are not the type that attracts women and that will always be an issue no matter what.

 

All I can see that would work is that you find yourself a mistress, and let your wife have multiples. Obviously you both are looking for emotional and physical attraction.....IMO is a slippery slope, because it a high expectation that won't play in your favor.

[INTJlg]

Well it sounds like you are the one that is being faced with some hurdles....some you won't be able to get over. what you are wanting isn't going to really work unless you both are smashingly attractive..then your options will be limitless. Sounds to me you are not the type that attracts women and that will always be an issue no matter what.

 

All I can see that would work is that you find yourself a mistress, and let your wife have multiples. Obviously you both are looking for emotional and physical attraction.....IMO is a slippery slope, because it a high expectation that won't play in your favor.

 

Attract women, no not really a problem, allow myself to be open that's the problem. I did not develop skills in my life that allows me to get to know a person, in turn I never let people get to know me. I'm at a crossroad where as, I have to develop social skills. As far as the plan goes, this early on we are only toying with the open style, ultimately if we don't do this, we are more on board with our original plan of going to bdsm events several years from now. With that, we are on an equal footing. Everyone is bent on the idea that sex is a concern, but before sex there is connecting, after meeting there is connecting. Problem arise at the connecting point, I meet someone and somewhere mentally they turn me off. Maybe part of my problem too, is I'm attracted to mind and energy, not physical.

[TommyGee]

This may seem simplistic, but, from what I'm reading (some of which seems contradictory) -- the problem is not finding a sexual partner for either one of you, but that she has the ability to connect on a deeper level than you, thus leaving the scales even more unbalanced than they would normally be -- which, as mentioned in previous posts, will always be unbalanced between men and women.

 

One note, you seem to equate a swinger's club with sex without the connection. Most probably a symptom of your own stated inability to connect.

 

Simplistic solution: fake it 'til you make it. Smile even if you don't feel like it. Ask questions about someone even if you think you're not interested in the answers. Divulge something about yourself even if you feel it is not anyone's business. I would say do all this with an eye toward caution, but I think you already have enough guards on your wall to prevent you from getting involved somewhere you don't want to be.

[smackie9]

Maybe part of my problem too, is I'm attracted to mind and energy, not physical.

Like finding a needle in a hay stack...

 

I thought that kind of thing would be something between you and your wife, and for others it's just lust/sexual attraction.

 

If this is your need, you are not going to make it very far.

 

Open marriages is not for emotional satisfaction but for sexual....so I don't know why you would even want to approach such a thing unless you are in a marriage that leaves you unsatisfied.

[road]

 

 

So what does all this mean? Well in short, not dancing around the subject. There is a guy, she is totally feeling this guy. Where we hang out (used to be just us), we all hang out now. Hanging out with the guy, he's really cool, in actuality me and him are very much alike. It's just that, seeing all the flirting, the connecting the energy leaves me a little left out.

 

 

I'm alright with the fact that she would like to keep him on the hook until we say it's a go, which is what she is doing.

 

 

Does this guy know about you and your wife's plans to have an open marriage?

 

 

This guy is playing the friend for one thing. He see's your wife flirting and he wants to nail her. Keep giving them enough time for the tension and chemistry to build and it will happen before you are ready.

 

 

Even if it does not happen till your ready once your wife starts doing him she will not want to stop doing him even if your female FB stops seeing you. And, then your marriage will end.

 

 

Also why are you avoiding answering the important question who first mentioned open marriage? You both did not say open marriage at the same exact time.

[INTJlg]

Simplistic solution: fake it 'til you make it. Smile even if you don't feel like it. Ask questions about someone even if you think you're not interested in the answers. Divulge something about yourself even if you feel it is not anyone's business. I would say do all this with an eye toward caution, but I think you already have enough guards on your wall to prevent you from getting involved somewhere you don't want to be.

 

This, this was on the path of what I was looking for. I came to that conclusion at one point myself, but maybe I needed that to be said from a third party. This is the state of mind I think I should be in.

 

 

Like finding a needle in a hay stack...

 

I thought that kind of thing would be something between you and your wife, and for others it's just lust/sexual attraction.

 

If this is your need, you are not going to make it very far.

 

Open marriages is not for emotional satisfaction but for sexual....so I don't know why you would even want to approach such a thing unless you are in a marriage that leaves you unsatisfied.

 

That may or may not be true, you never know until you try. Life is whatever you make it, so I tend to not think everything in a black and white. So no, emotion and sex is on point or I would never consider this. What you call a unicorn and compare to marriage is maybe too simplistic. As a matter of fact, I would say that I want to know enough about a person, that not only I'm comfortable with having sex with them, but not too comfortable that a friendship bond develops so strong that sex would be the last thing I'd want to do with them. Also, maybe that would also be the case if, open indefinitely was the plan, it's more a vacation from the norm. When vacation ends, back to the usual, with the addition of sharing our experiences with it. It's things like this that annoys me about dealing with people, I say I'm going to build a house does anyone have experience with this? The only thing I hear is how you don't want to do that, there's storms and fires, you can lose it all, but when you want to know is about problems installing dry wall and plumbing. I think longer and harder than most people, so if you woke up never considering the thought, and decide you will bring your own theories, just think, I already thought of that. More or less looking maybe for more professional opinion on the subject, or pointed toward a source.

[66Charger]

So what happens if that "deep mental connection" with your person never materializes? She has to shut her fantasy down? She is ready to go, NOW. She probably already had passion filled lusty sex with him, mentally a hundred times. Even when she is having sex with you. Whats that you say? She would never? Oh, but of course you can read her mind and you both think exactly alike. Right?

 

Face it. You struck out. She didnt. She is flirting and fantasizing while a year later, you continue to "research" and post on a CHEATING, FLIRTING AND JEALOUSY forum. Its obvious to everyone here but you. Do you know what the hell you are doing?

 

You may be book smart, but you are woman stupid

Edited October 24, 2015 by 66Charger

[sandylee1]

Like finding a needle in a hay stack...

 

I thought that kind of thing would be something between you and your wife, and for others it's just lust/sexual attraction.

 

If this is your need, you are not going to make it very far.

 

Open marriages is not for emotional satisfaction but for sexual....so I don't know why you would even want to approach such a thing unless you are in a marriage that leaves you unsatisfied.

 

 

I agree. It sounds to me as though you're looking for another relationship and not just sexual variety. When you connect emotionally, feelings are involved and you don't know how deep it can take you.

 

If the person you are looking for is married as well, then it's not so bad......but if you are after a single woman.......then I hope you tell her the situation from the beginning so that she doesn't fall for you .

 

I understand that you would want to be attracted to and get along with the person, but I don't usually hear those wanting open marriages talking about emotional connections. Usually when this does happen.....it turns from an open marriage to an affair...or the connection is so strong with the other person, that the marriage crumbles.

 

Are you looking to go on dates with the person as well?

[road]

This, this was on the path of what I was looking for. I came to that conclusion at one point myself, but maybe I needed that to be said from a third party. This is the state of mind I think I should be in.

 

 

 

 

That may or may not be true, you never know until you try. Life is whatever you make it, so I tend to not think everything in a black and white. So no, emotion and sex is on point or I would never consider this. What you call a unicorn and compare to marriage is maybe too simplistic. As a matter of fact, I would say that I want to know enough about a person, that not only I'm comfortable with having sex with them, but not too comfortable that a friendship bond develops so strong that sex would be the last thing I'd want to do with them. Also, maybe that would also be the case if, open indefinitely was the plan, it's more a vacation from the norm. When vacation ends, back to the usual, with the addition of sharing our experiences with it. It's things like this that annoys me about dealing with people, I say I'm going to build a house does anyone have experience with this? The only thing I hear is how you don't want to do that, there's storms and fires, you can lose it all, but when you want to know is about problems installing dry wall and plumbing. I think longer and harder than most people, so if you woke up never considering the thought, and decide you will bring your own theories, just think, I already thought of that. More or less looking maybe for more professional opinion on the subject, or pointed toward a source.

 

 

If you have been on infidelity and relationship forums for enough years you will not of have personally done a three some, swing, swap, open marriage to know of how these acts have destroyed so many marriages.

[INTJlg]

I apologize if wasted anyone's time. I don't feel I am receiving the information I'm seeking. We are currently having a discussion, in it I have utmost confidence that she said, if I'm not out there neither shall she. This was giving another year before we would had a trial of this. We are both still on board for the bdsm events in several years. I will continue to work on my socializing, if something materialize, then it's happening. If nothing does, I trust her in the fact she also won't proceed.

 

For the nosey folk

 

I was curious asking what would be interesting to a person to have a threesome

For over fifteen years we joked about it, then we started having serious discussions about it, she asked, I said this intrigues me.

 

Affairs are different stories all together, they involve lying and deceit.

We both know what to expect on the affair front, we are armed to teeth, neither one of us would get away with cheating for very long. Before anyone want to counter that...

For five years and more we've both read through front to back,

Surviving Infidelity

Talk About Marriage

Doc Cool

PForum 1, 2, and the current 3

We have read stories from both the wayward and betrayed alike,

and if it pleases the court of peer judgement, I know this is playing with fire, but all I get are the same statistics, let me say by statistics we should not have been married, together for long at all, I should not be working, probably not have a roof over our head, and even such shouldn't be alive. We have overcome every odd thrown at us, and the thing about me, naysayers only drive me further to those book of matches.

 

So, if you have nothing positive, I'm going to assume you are no more experienced than I am, and I more than likely have more experience in research. If you do have negatives from your own experience, I am welcome to hear it.

[smackie9]

Why don't you seek out advice on a sex/kink forum that is specific to your query????. Obviously we are not telling you what you want to hear. If you have read all those books, you shouldn't have any doubts, and have all the info you need or is it that you just don't have any confidence in what those books tell you either......

[Darren Steez]

Lol you can tell this will all end in tears..

 

Sheesh.

[NewLeaf512]

This situation isn't what I understand open marriage to be. This seems like a pseudo bigamy

 

Open relationship isn't supposed to be a group of people all intimate and hanging out together.

 

For my part, I barely survived an open marriage. I highly suggest you do not undertake your endeavour. The irony that seems likely is that it will have been initially your idea and you may end up being the most badly hurt. Please reconsider.