To all the only children

[turnera]

My DD25 is an only child and she turned out better than most of her friends. She pushed through college when most of them dropped out. She had very high standards for men and now has a great boyfriend. She socializes a lot and throws parties and dresses up for ComicCon, just generally has a great time. I think a lot of it has to do with the parents you grew up with.

[pureinheart]

I also enjoy my own company, am emotionally extremely independent, I'm self-employed as I'm not good at working with other people, I'm not someone who enjoys hugs and physical affection, but I adore my cat and cuddle her to bits. I live alone. I had terrible trouble share-housing with my peers. I didn't have the skills to stand up for myself nor to establish boundaries for myself, but I couldn't move back to live with my parents again. I was really caught between a rock and a hard place back then.

 

If I had siblings to bounce off, argue with, rival against, compare myself to, define myself against, I doubt I would have the same troubles. Since childhood, in the presence of others, I feel like I'm out of focus or blurry, not a defined person. I was very lonely as a child. I would talk to my toys and dolls and hope that one day they would magically talk back to me, hence I can talk at great length but am a hopeless listener, but I continue to work on that.

 

If I wanted brothers and sisters all I had to do was go to a friends house and poof- there they were. I was always happy to go home to my stuff that was the way I left it before leaving.

 

I never got lonely and had lots of friends. Also I have a really big family. Being by myself has not been an issue, but that has only happened a couple of short periods in my life (living completely alone).

 

I'm very independent, but work well with others, in fact management always paired me up with the most difficult because I was easy going. I've had to work with some REAL interesting people...

[truthtripper]

If I wanted brothers and sisters all I had to do was go to a friends house and poof- there they were.

Having lots of friends is not the same as having your own siblings. I've had plenty of friends, we fooled around heaps and had plenty of fun, but then I'd go back home to emptiness. By the time I left home, despite my friendships, I was certainly not prepared for the real world. They didn't equip me with the skills to be able to coordinate with others for example in employment and domestic settings etc.

[turnera]

Having lots of friends is not the same as having your own siblings. I've had plenty of friends, we fooled around heaps and had plenty of fun, but then I'd go back home to emptiness. By the time I left home, despite my friendships, I was certainly not prepared for the real world. They didn't equip me with the skills to be able to coordinate with others for example in employment and domestic settings etc.

I don't think that's necessarily a direct correlation to being an only child. I taught my daughter to handle stuff like that early on. When she had to go to the doctor, I'd have her make the appointment. When she needed a roommate in college, I coached her on how to find one, but left it up to her on getting it done. I showed her how to fix her resume and then sat with her while she applied for jobs and gave her tips on how to make the best impression on the cover letter, but still, she had to do it on her own. So she'd learn how to do things. She grew up knowing that she was what we wanted and we'd be happy to spend as much time with her as she'd allow.

 

Still, she enjoyed her alone time. Still does. She recharges by being alone.

 

I'm just saying that your parents having only one child isn't likely the cause of your unhappiness. Other things, sure. But it sounds like you're using this analysis as a crutch.

[truthtripper]

My DD25 is an only child and she turned out better than most of her friends. She pushed through college when most of them dropped out. She had very high standards for men and now has a great boyfriend. She socializes a lot and throws parties and dresses up for ComicCon, just generally has a great time. I think a lot of it has to do with the parents you grew up with.

There is undoubtedly truth in that. It's just that my mum's father was a paedophile. He not only abused me, but also many of my cousins(my mum has 8 siblings, so I have many cousins). They have all seemed to cope much better than me ie: they were able to secure employment, have families of their own, haven't had the relationship problems that I've had. I'm the only cousin who is an only child. So naturally I've always believed that this has been the reason for many of my problems.

 

Turnera, in one of your other posts(the narcissisitic abuse thread), you mention that your DD25 also has problems, in particular, with her friends and that she has had some counselling about it. I wonder if that is a result of being an only child? I have also experienced the same(what you described) with certain friends. The coping skills required to solve these relationship issues were not innate to me. I had to work hard to develop them.

[turnera]

I can see how you think that, so I'll tell you a little more detail about the friends issue. She always had tons of friends; in 3rd grade, her entire class stayed over at our house for a birthday party. And then my stepmother, who wanted me to divorce my husband, turned my H in to the CPS, claiming he was abusing our daughter, when she was in elementary school. CPS immediately threw it out as unfounded, but one of the women my stepmother talked into signing a letter to CPS (none of whom had ever met me or my H) lived in our neighborhood. Well, she talked to a neighbor, who talked to another neighbor...before you know it, there's a rumor going around that had morphed from him being abusive to him being a child molester who preyed on the neighborhood kids. A neighbor took it upon herself to 'warn' every new family not to let their kids play with our DD, lest their kids get molested. People would literally pull their kids out of the community pool when they saw us coming. She went from dozens of friends to ONE friend. When kids started coming up to her in 6th grade - by which time she had no friends left at all - and asking her what kinds of things her dad was doing to her, we decided we had to give up and move.

 

So we moved, and once again, she was popular and made tons of friends and everyone loved her. Except, just her luck the one girl who introduced her to everyone got jealous at her popularity and started a 4-year smear campaign. It was horrid, the things DD had to endure because of that girl.

 

She got past that, made new friends, and then the same thing happened - a girl who got mad at DD because DD told her she was wrong for dating two guys at the same time (and not telling them). She went on a 'I'm better than DD' thing; she literally even tried to bribe kids away from DD's high school prom party, forcing people to choose sides.

 

In high school, she dated a guy for a couple months who turned out to be abusive, so she broke up with him. This guy then spent the next 10 months of school trying to mess with her, 'befriending' her friends and then getting them to pull away from her...

 

So all throughout her childhood, she's had to endure losing friends, backstabbing, threats, games being played, friends 'choosing' one person over another...just drama after drama.

 

After high school, she met someone who she thought was a great person but was a self-proclaimed 'mean girl' (she literally admitted it to DD), who didn't like that their friends were wanting to spend more time with DD, so she, too, went on a smear campaign and people dropped DD just to avoid the other girl getting mad at them. So once again, she lost a group of friends.

 

Each time she'd find someone she thought she wanted to become best friends with, that person would get caught up in one of those stupid things and once again, she had no best friend. It was madness. I could write a book it was so crazy.

 

And despite it all, she managed to maintain a bright outlook and still kept looking for friends, to make friends. It's just that it is her one Achilles Heel, her one weakness. She knows she's smart and pretty and she treats her boyfriend amazingly well and she has a great future, and I think that has a lot to do with, as I said, growing up knowing she's loved and wanted. She's just always afraid to stand up for herself with her friends, because she's seen them turn on her on a dime. Does she pick the wrong friends? It would seem so. But she keeps trying, hoping to get it right.

Edited October 25, 2015 by turnera

[truthtripper]

I don't think that's necessarily a direct correlation to being an only child. I taught my daughter to handle stuff like that early on. When she had to go to the doctor, I'd have her make the appointment. When she needed a roommate in college, I coached her on how to find one, but left it up to her on getting it done. I showed her how to fix her resume and then sat with her while she applied for jobs and gave her tips on how to make the best impression on the cover letter, but still, she had to do it on her own. So she'd learn how to do things. She grew up knowing that she was what we wanted and we'd be happy to spend as much time with her as she'd allow.

 

Still, she enjoyed her alone time. Still does. She recharges by being alone.

 

I'm just saying that your parents having only one child isn't likely the cause of your unhappiness. Other things, sure. But it sounds like you're using this analysis as a crutch.

I'm reminded of a time when one of my aunts expressed her disappointment to me about my parents' lack of guidance. I can't recall what the particular situation was about, but I do remember her being quite upset. At the time, I didn't understand her reaction as I considered my parents' apathy(how I would describe it now) as normal.

 

I feel that my parents didn't want me to leave home, that I was some kind of buffer or umpire in their endless quarrelling. In fact, a few days before I moved out, my dad said to me and I can quote him word for word: "when you leave, our marriage will fall apart". He placed yet another massive burden on my shoulders, that it would be my fault. If I'd had siblings, I wonder if he would have still said that to me?

[Haydn]

I always thought i was the classic example of an only child until i realised i had an older sister that spent most of her time in her bedroom. When she did emerge there was a lot of `black` clothes.....(And anger)

 

Today she`s a scientist.

[truthtripper]

I'm just saying that your parents having only one child isn't likely the cause of your unhappiness. Other things, sure. But it sounds like you're using this analysis as a crutch.

 

About 15 years ago when I was camping with friends, we were sitting around the campfire, eating our dinner. I noticed that one of my friends had heaped her plate with food, which meant that everyone else had to eat less and I was quite hungry myself. After we'd finished eating, I said to her in front of the others, "you ate the most, that's not fair". Not only she became angry but the rest of my friends were upset at me too. I was so disturbed by this incident, as I didn't know what I'd done wrong. When discussing this with my psychotherapist, she commented that, as I was an only child I didn't have the competitive spirit that siblings would have over food at the dinner table- that it was only normal for one child to have more food than the other(s) if they were quick enough to grab it before the others could. I still don't understand this, as I would imagine that responsible parents would make sure that all their children would have enough to eat and that they would subsequently learn to share fairly.

Edited October 25, 2015 by truthtripper

[truthtripper]

I can see how you think that, so I'll tell you a little more detail about the friends issue. She always had tons of friends; in 3rd grade, her entire class stayed over at our house for a birthday party. And then my stepmother, who wanted me to divorce my husband, turned my H in to the CPS, claiming he was abusing our daughter, when she was in elementary school. CPS immediately threw it out as unfounded, but one of the women my stepmother talked into signing a letter to CPS (none of whom had ever met me or my H) lived in our neighborhood. Well, she talked to a neighbor, who talked to another neighbor...before you know it, there's a rumor going around that had morphed from him being abusive to him being a child molester who preyed on the neighborhood kids. A neighbor took it upon herself to 'warn' every new family not to let their kids play with our DD, lest their kids get molested. People would literally pull their kids out of the community pool when they saw us coming. She went from dozens of friends to ONE friend. When kids started coming up to her in 6th grade - by which time she had no friends left at all - and asking her what kinds of things her dad was doing to her, we decided we had to give up and move.

 

So we moved, and once again, she was popular and made tons of friends and everyone loved her. Except, just her luck the one girl who introduced her to everyone got jealous at her popularity and started a 4-year smear campaign. It was horrid, the things DD had to endure because of that girl.

 

She got past that, made new friends, and then the same thing happened - a girl who got mad at DD because DD told her she was wrong for dating two guys at the same time (and not telling them). She went on a 'I'm better than DD' thing; she literally even tried to bribe kids away from DD's high school prom party, forcing people to choose sides.

 

In high school, she dated a guy for a couple months who turned out to be abusive, so she broke up with him. This guy then spent the next 10 months of school trying to mess with her, 'befriending' her friends and then getting them to pull away from her...

 

So all throughout her childhood, she's had to endure losing friends, backstabbing, threats, games being played, friends 'choosing' one person over another...just drama after drama.

 

After high school, she met someone who she thought was a great person but was a self-proclaimed 'mean girl' (she literally admitted it to DD), who didn't like that their friends were wanting to spend more time with DD, so she, too, went on a smear campaign and people dropped DD just to avoid the other girl getting mad at them. So once again, she lost a group of friends.

 

Each time she'd find someone she thought she wanted to become best friends with, that person would get caught up in one of those stupid things and once again, she had no best friend. It was madness. I could write a book it was so crazy.

 

And despite it all, she managed to maintain a bright outlook and still kept looking for friends, to make friends. It's just that it is her one Achilles Heel, her one weakness. She knows she's smart and pretty and she treats her boyfriend amazingly well and she has a great future, and I think that has a lot to do with, as I said, growing up knowing she's loved and wanted. She's just always afraid to stand up for herself with her friends, because she's seen them turn on her on a dime. Does she pick the wrong friends? It would seem so. But she keeps trying, hoping to get it right.

From what I've learnt from psychotherapy sessions, (and I've been in therapy for almost 20 years), bullies will bully certain people because they let them. Bullies will make the rounds, testing people until they find a suitable victim(s), being someone who lacks the necessary assertiveness skills to stand up for themselves, otherwise, the bully will move on to the next person, continuing their search. But people can also subconsciously be attracted to bullies, if this type of behaviour is familiar to them(whether they like it or not). For example many of my friends were bullies, since I grew up with this treatment, so I naturally gravitated towards them. I would also subconsciously assume a victim persona, which would attract abuse from otherwise very sweet, gentle people(I think this psychological phenomenon is called "transference"). I still find myself doing this, but now I am more aware.

 

The fact that this had been a deep-seated constant in your DD25's life, means she is either picking the wrong friends, or she could be drawing bullying behaviour out of otherwise good people or both. The problem will not dissipate on it's own until she starts doing some serious work on herself. She needs to find a good therapist who can support and guide her through this.

[UpwardForward]

About 15 years ago when I was camping with friends, we were sitting around the campfire, eating our dinner. I noticed that one of my friends had heaped her plate with food, which meant that everyone else had to eat less and I was quite hungry myself. After we'd finished eating, I said to her in front of the others, "you ate the most, that's not fair". Not only she became angry but the rest of my friends were upset at me too. I was so disturbed by this incident, as I didn't know what I'd done wrong. When discussing this with my psychotherapist, she commented that, as I was an only child I didn't have the competitive spirit that siblings would have over food at the dinner table- that it was only normal for one child to have more food than the other(s) if they were quick enough to grab it before the others could. I still don't understand this, as I would imagine that responsible parents would make sure that all their children would have enough to eat and that they would subsequently learn to share fairly.

 

Obviously I've saved myself a lot of money on therapists.

 

A friend of mine 'Sharon' (only child the same as I). We were invited to another friend's house. One of the women had brought a big inventory of shampoos, conditioners, toiletries, etc., and to give us for free. New items that were overstocked or about to be thrown out.

 

I was shocked how Sharon scarfed up the items. There were about 8 of us, and she aggressively took 1/3.

 

Materialistic as I am, I am timid when it comes to the 'grabbing'. So it doesn't have anything to do with being an only child. Just the nature of the beast - or aggressiveness. And yes, could be gluttony as well.

Edited October 25, 2015 by UpwardForward

[turnera]

Upward, you remind me of DD's friend in elementary school. They went to a private school and then switched to public for 3rd grade. This girl didn't live in our area, but they agreed to let her go to school there if she came home with us every day. She was also an only child, to a single mother. This woman was a clean freak, her daughter had to take a bath and wash her hair every single day, even if she was staying out late and we were watching her daughter and they'd go home at 1am, she still had to take a bath. Anyway, she was incredibly strict about what her daughter was allowed to eat. No junk food, no candy, no sweets. We, on the other hand, had decided that because WE had been denied stuff growing up and as adults used food and sweets as a mental treat, didn't want our DD growing up like that, didn't want her to scarf it up if she saw it, like we did as kids. So we always had a 'junk food cabinet' with snacks and candy. DD barely paid any of it any attention, because she knew it would always be there. Her friend's mom let us give her one snack or treat a day.

 

Well, we had a falling out and decided she wouldn't come over any more, so when her daughter found that that day was going to be her last day, I went into the kitchen, and she was sitting up on the counter by the junk food cabinet and her backpack, and she was literally scooping all the stuff in the cabinets shelves into her backpack! I felt so bad for her that she felt the need to do that.

[UpwardForward]

Upward, you remind me of DD's friend in elementary school. They went to a private school and then switched to public for 3rd grade. This girl didn't live in our area, but they agreed to let her go to school there if she came home with us every day. She was also an only child, to a single mother. This woman was a clean freak, her daughter had to take a bath and wash her hair every single day, even if she was staying out late and we were watching her daughter and they'd go home at 1am, she still had to take a bath. Anyway, she was incredibly strict about what her daughter was allowed to eat. No junk food, no candy, no sweets. We, on the other hand, had decided that because WE had been denied stuff growing up and as adults used food and sweets as a mental treat, didn't want our DD growing up like that, didn't want her to scarf it up if she saw it, like we did as kids. So we always had a 'junk food cabinet' with snacks and candy. DD barely paid any of it any attention, because she knew it would always be there. Her friend's mom let us give her one snack or treat a day.

 

Well, we had a falling out and decided she wouldn't come over any more, so when her daughter found that that day was going to be her last day, I went into the kitchen, and she was sitting up on the counter by the junk food cabinet and her backpack, and she was literally scooping all the stuff in the cabinets shelves into her backpack! I felt so bad for her that she felt the need to do that.

 

I had two working parents, so practically on my own - at an early age.

 

No strict mother or lack of sweets, or outsiders to take credit for my upbringing, or their saving me. .

 

Perhaps you meant my friend 'Sharon'. I don't know what her upbringing was - Or what causes people to be aggressive in some ways. I do know her parents were together, not single.

Edited October 25, 2015 by UpwardForward

[turnera]

Sorry, I meant that in terms of what you post reminds me of....

[truthtripper]

Well, we had a falling out and decided she wouldn't come over any more, so when her daughter found that that day was going to be her last day, I went into the kitchen, and she was sitting up on the counter by the junk food cabinet and her backpack, and she was literally scooping all the stuff in the cabinets shelves into her backpack! I felt so bad for her that she felt the need to do that.

That's very sad. Why did you have a falling out? From the way you put it, it seems the girl enjoyed coming over.

[turnera]

That's very sad. Why did you have a falling out? From the way you put it, it seems the girl enjoyed coming over.

Yeah, I wasn't expecting it. What happened was, she was a single mother. So she was dating and trying to find a new husband. So our arrangement at the start of the school year was that she would pick up her daughter at 5pm. After a while, she asked if she could pick her up at 6 so she'd have time to run errands like grocery shopping on the way there; I said sure. Then she started having 'meetings' she had to attend now and then and would show up at 7. Then that became the new norm. Then she started asking if I'd mind watching her daughter so she could go out on a date once or twice a week. By the time I finally said something, she was picking her daughter up around 10 every night.

 

I loved having her daughter there, the girls were really close. I just was getting tired of being taken advantage of, since we weren't able to have any kind of life, so I made a comment about it. I don't know if she was ashamed or mad (I hope she wasn't so selfish that she thought she could be mad about it), but the arrangement ended immediately.

[truthtripper]

Yeah, I wasn't expecting it. What happened was, she was a single mother. So she was dating and trying to find a new husband. So our arrangement at the start of the school year was that she would pick up her daughter at 5pm. After a while, she asked if she could pick her up at 6 so she'd have time to run errands like grocery shopping on the way there; I said sure. Then she started having 'meetings' she had to attend now and then and would show up at 7. Then that became the new norm. Then she started asking if I'd mind watching her daughter so she could go out on a date once or twice a week. By the time I finally said something, she was picking her daughter up around 10 every night.

 

I loved having her daughter there, the girls were really close. I just was getting tired of being taken advantage of, since we weren't able to have any kind of life, so I made a comment about it. I don't know if she was ashamed or mad (I hope she wasn't so selfish that she thought she could be mad about it), but the arrangement ended immediately.

It ended so abruptly. It would have been a shock for your DD. Did she know exactly why it happened?

[central]

Do you feel having no siblings, has had a negative impact on the development of your self-identity and social skills?

 

No. Perhaps my social skills would be a little better, but on the other hand my wife is the third child, also an introvert, and having siblings did not improve her social skills. For us both, we had to do that on our own after high school.

 

Frankly, being an only child has given me numerous advantages in life, and I'm glad I had no siblings. Far too often, I see drama, competition, and conflict between siblings, and I have none of that.

[lollipopspot]

Frankly, being an only child has given me numerous advantages in life, and I'm glad I had no siblings. Far too often, I see drama, competition, and conflict between siblings, and I have none of that.

 

I agree. I think OP is looking at the ideal family and sibling relationship, and thinking that's the norm. It's not. I have siblings and wish I didn't. There are concrete and material ways that my life would have been and would be better without siblings - all resources are shared, that's a fact. Competition and conflict between siblings is the norm in dysfunctional families. There are plenty of seriously screwed up people in the world - and many of them are someone's sibling.

[turnera]

It ended so abruptly. It would have been a shock for your DD. Did she know exactly why it happened?

Yes, we have always been extremely honest with her about everything. I even told her I was sorry for bringing it up, that I never expected her mom to just disappear like that, I thought we'd have a discussion like normal people and find a solution. She was ok, I think they were starting to get on each other's nerves by that time after spending so much time together. And at that point, DD still had a lot of other friends, it was right before the sh*tstorm with the rumors was ramping up. In fact, right about that time, I remember going to a teacher-parent open house (they were in the same class), and the teacher actually came up to the girl's mom and told her she shouldn't let her daughter play with ours, since DD's dad was molesting children...I mean, she already knew all about the whole thing, but at the time, she didn't defend us to the teacher, which really ticked me off at the time.

 

Maybe that was her impetus for leaving and me saying something just gave her a reason; she didn't want our 'taint' to rub off on her and her daughter.

[turnera]

I agree. I think OP is looking at the ideal family and sibling relationship, and thinking that's the norm. It's not. I have siblings and wish I didn't.

I have an older brother who deemed himself responsible for 'raising' me when my dad left when I was 12. Which he did by criticizing me, telling me what all I did wrong, shaming me about my body and sex so I wouldn't have sex, and just generally being a self-righteous jerk. Which has set me up for no end of trauma later in life. I hate being around him; I joke that I can't have a single conversation with him without him turning it around to where I should have done something differently, or better, or the way he wanted. So I just avoid him. I'm working about 10 miles away from him and I never even told him; I don't want him inviting me over.

[truthtripper]

Competition and conflict between siblings is the norm in dysfunctional families..

This is not true. Competition and conflict can be healthy and stimulate positive emotional and intellectual growth with vigilant, sensitive parenting.

 

In fact, competition and conflict form the basis of debate. Without it, humankind may as well cease to exist.

Edited October 26, 2015 by truthtripper

[turnera]

Key words being 'can be.'

[KatZee]

I also enjoy my own company, am emotionally extremely independent, I'm self-employed as I'm not good at working with other people, I'm not someone who enjoys hugs and physical affection, but I adore my cat and cuddle her to bits. I live alone. I had terrible trouble share-housing with my peers. I didn't have the skills to stand up for myself nor to establish boundaries for myself, but I couldn't move back to live with my parents again. I was really caught between a rock and a hard place back then.

 

If I had siblings to bounce off, argue with, rival against, compare myself to, define myself against, I doubt I would have the same troubles. Since childhood, in the presence of others, I feel like I'm out of focus or blurry, not a defined person. I was very lonely as a child. I would talk to my toys and dolls and hope that one day they would magically talk back to me, hence I can talk at great length but am a hopeless listener, but I continue to work on that.

 

Wow, I'm actually the exact opposite of you.

 

No problem defining boundaries, and I'll be the first person to open my mouth in defense of myself, and even others.

 

I'm actually an exceptional listener, and hate talking, unless it's important. I'm not a fan of casual small talk.

 

I'm wondering if our differences are a product of being only children, or just our ingrained personality traits, nature vs. nurture.

[truthtripper]

....And at that point, DD still had a lot of other friends, it was right before the sh*tstorm with the rumors was ramping up. In fact, right about that time, I remember going to a teacher-parent open house (they were in the same class), and the teacher actually came up to the girl's mom and told her she shouldn't let her daughter play with ours, since DD's dad was molesting children...I mean, she already knew all about the whole thing, but at the time, she didn't defend us to the teacher, which really ticked me off at the time.

 

Maybe that was her impetus for leaving and me saying something just gave her a reason; she didn't want our 'taint' to rub off on her and her daughter.

The fact that you also had to move house would have been so traumatising for DD. As she was still a child, it would be expected that the 'rumour episode' would have also naturally created some distrust in her. The distrust element in a person can attract bullying.