StepMom001 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 My step son is 25 and Lives in Florida with his fiancee because he went to the University of Florida with his now Fiancee well she is 7 months pregnant and my stepson hasn't been home since he moved away for college and stayed because he got a job offer right out of College and his fiancee is a RN. Well his stepson hasn't come home because he is angry at his dad and me for getting married about a year and a half after his mother was killed by a drunk driver. Well his dad made this kind gesture and his son hasn't given him a straight answer and i know his dad wants to see him as well as his fiancee who is about to deliver there son. Well we just found out he was in a wreck from his fiancee on his Crotch rocket and is fine aside from a broken leg that is broken in two places. And now his son is using this along with his fiancee being so pregnant as an excuse to not come home for another thanksgiving. Basically i need some advice on how to reach out to him and maybe try and apologize or something. Anything to try and get him on that plane in a month and get him home so the family can see him and his fiancee as well as my husband seeing his son. Any advice would be of great help. Link to post Share on other sites
TaraMaiden2 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 This isn't your issue. You can't force something like this. If there is anger, resentment, hostility, all you can do is to continue being supportive and let your step-son make a move when he feels ready. Why do you think you need to apologise? What for? They're just about to have a baby - AND he suffered a serious break to his leg. I wouldn't move far from home in those circumstances either. What's stopping you guys going there? Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Well maybe it really isn't a good time for the son and his fiancé to travel if she is really close to her due date. Also when there are fences that need mending sometimes the first couple of meetings are best carried out in neutral territory rather than on one parties home turf. Perhaps dad should fly to his son and spend some time with him alone. It is commendable that you want to help. How long did you know this man before you married him? Did you meet him before or after the death of his wife? Did you and he purchase a new home or did you move into the family home? Does he support you or are you financially independent? You don't have to answer those questions here but the answers probably figure into the stepson's feelings. He is still grieving the loss of his mom and he probably feels alone in his grief since dad seems to have moved on so quickly. It's nice that you care but I don't think the son will be open to any suggestions from you. This is between him and his father. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ufo8mycat Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 He has a badly broken leg, she will be 8 months pregnant. Why would you expect them to get on a plane!? Why don't you both go to them, book a restaurant and a hotel near by. Get a rental car and pick them up. I understand there is a back story, but just the above alone would mean no travel for most people. Don't make it all their problem - you guys are might be a lot more mobile! 9 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Agree. If he has a broken leg & she's pregnant, expecting them to come to you is crazy. If you want to patch things up, offer to go there when the baby is born. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 This isn't your issue. You can't force something like this. If there is anger, resentment, hostility, all you can do is to continue being supportive and let your step-son make a move when he feels ready. Why do you think you need to apologise? What for? They're just about to have a baby - AND he suffered a serious break to his leg. I wouldn't move far from home in those circumstances either. What's stopping you guys going there? He doesn't want us to go. And for thanksgiving we simply can't everyone is here except for him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 Well maybe it really isn't a good time for the son and his fiancé to travel if she is really close to her due date. Also when there are fences that need mending sometimes the first couple of meetings are best carried out in neutral territory rather than on one parties home turf. Perhaps dad should fly to his son and spend some time with him alone. It is commendable that you want to help. How long did you know this man before you married him? Did you meet him before or after the death of his wife? Did you and he purchase a new home or did you move into the family home? Does he support you or are you financially independent? You don't have to answer those questions here but the answers probably figure into the stepson's feelings. He is still grieving the loss of his mom and he probably feels alone in his grief since dad seems to have moved on so quickly. It's nice that you care but I don't think the son will be open to any suggestions from you. This is between him and his father. Met him afterwords and yes I am financially independent. His father sold the family home and we bought a new one jointly. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I went through something like this with my friend. My friend being in the shoes of your stepson. Now that you've bought with your husband, what does his will look like? Are you the recipient or will the house be sold and his share given to his kids upon his death? Are you aware that your stepson is probably grieving and is unbearably angry at his father for moving on so quickly? Why is your husband unwilling to travel to see his son? I would think that given how much his actions have hurt his son, he'd be reaching out over and above to try and make things better. And yes, expecting a couple who are heavily pregnant and with a broken leg to fly is ridiculous. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I commend you for wanting peace for each side. My step mom was that way. She translated many misunderstandings... and stepped back after she said her peace. Nothing is written in stone, plans can be changed. The Opportunity is there, make the best of it. Go. Listen, make the efforts to mend the fences. And congrats on the impending grandchild. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 I went through something like this with my friend. My friend being in the shoes of your stepson. Now that you've bought with your husband, what does his will look like? Are you the recipient or will the house be sold and his share given to his kids upon his death? Are you aware that your stepson is probably grieving and is unbearably angry at his father for moving on so quickly? Why is your husband unwilling to travel to see his son? I would think that given how much his actions have hurt his son, he'd be reaching out over and above to try and make things better. And yes, expecting a couple who are heavily pregnant and with a broken leg to fly is ridiculous. Will splits it between the 3 evenly I told him I wanted no part of that and wasn't going to get into the middle of that. He isn't unwilling to go his son has simply told him do not come through his fiancee. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Well his stepson hasn't come home because he is angry at his dad and me for getting married about a year and a half after his mother was killed by a drunk driver. Your husband has to work this out with his son, you can't be the one to do this, he has to reach out and talk to him. Unfortunately his son thinks his dad should still be grieving the loss of his mom, not move on yet. He is in pain and feels his dad moved too quickly to get married again. Right or wrong, it's how the kid feels and it's hard for him to accept you as his 'step mom'. You can be his friend and maybe later in life he'll see you as step mom, maybe he won't, but for now don't even go there with him. He's 25, engaged and soon to be a father so I doubt very much he wants parenting from either of you. His fiancee may be too far along to travel by plane and also the accident and his broken bones. You and you H can fly to see him another time, after the holidays. But before that you H has to talk to him one on one. Link to post Share on other sites
chapter44 Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 I was in a similar situation as your husband (although I have never remarried). My son lives in Seattle where his mother and her family live and hasn't been back to visit me in Michigan for years. He is 25 now and has established a life there for himself and recently had a baby. I was there for the birth and go to visit him usually twice a year. Given your situation and your step son's resentment my suggestion would be for your husband to visit his son alone initially and work on repairing that relationship. It is his son after all. Your step son is at a tough age, yes he should be more mature but unfortunately something is preventing him from accepting his father's new marriage. If your husband works at repairing his relationship with his son eventually he will be accepting of you as well but it is going to require some sacrifice on your part. I do commend you for being supportive of your step son and encouraging your husband to rebuild that relationship. You are just going to have to take a back seat while your husband rebuilds that relationship - it's really out of your control. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 You have many years ahead of you with his son, so try to help your husband understand that it will take time and it will take humility on your husband's part to break through to his son. Maybe not this Thanksgiving, maybe future ones. If he can afford those tickets, he can afford to fly by himself SEVERAL times for the price of those tickets, and keep trying to get his son to talk to him. Even if his son says no, and your H has to return emptyhanded, he needs to KEEP going back there, trying to get an audience with his son. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 His son's fiancee called today and basically said its going to take his dad flying out and apologizing but I don't feel he has anything to apologize for. And his fiancee said we aren't welcome at the wedding. I mean this seems to be going a little Far. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 His son's fiancee called today and basically said its going to take his dad flying out and apologizing but I don't feel he has anything to apologize for. And his fiancee said we aren't welcome at the wedding. I mean this seems to be going a little Far. so the son is willing to meet with his Dad and discuss each others view points. Consider that as an opportunity. None of us here can fully grasp all the challenges the son may need to convey to his Dad. The son sounds willing though to hash it out. You're spouse may well be surprised that certain things do need mended if he is willing to put forth the effort and listen. Unless you were physically there during this mans' upbringing... its hard to surmise what needs ironed out. The sons' mate is equally vested in her man as you are to yours. Sides will be chosen, i just hope its the side of respectfull resolutions.. Encourage your husband to go, this isnt about his pride... its about two adults resolving and moving forward. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 His son's fiancee called today and basically said its going to take his dad flying out and apologizing but I don't feel he has anything to apologize for. And his fiancee said we aren't welcome at the wedding. I mean this seems to be going a little Far. This is a good start - it's communication. Has your stepson said what your husband needs to apologise for? While you may not agree that an apology is required, your opinion is actually irrelevant here - this is between your husband and his son. Apology or not, what IS required is for husband to listen to his son and try to build bridges. It's quite likely that your stepson just needs to be listened to and receive some empathy from his father. As for not being welcome at the wedding, it's not going too far if your husband isn't willing to listen to his son and put some empathy out there. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 It sounds to me like you and your husband have a little too much pride for your own good. And it's going to keep your husband from having HIS OWN SON in his life. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 It sounds to me like you and your husband have a little too much pride for your own good. And it's going to keep your husband from having HIS OWN SON in his life. OP. It sounds like the issues run deeper than you getting married quicker than your stepson would have liked. Stop trying to push your stepson, it seems that you and/or your husband aren't willing to listen to or validate him, just correct him. That never works.....with anyone. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 OP. It sounds like the issues run deeper than you getting married quicker than your stepson would have liked. Stop trying to push your stepson, it seems that you and/or your husband aren't willing to listen to or validate him, just correct him. That never works.....with anyone. sounds like it's time for Dad to step up, be the bigger man (and the parent) and reach out to his son. situations this entrenched don't happen overnight. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 This is a good start - it's communication. Has your stepson said what your husband needs to apologise for? While you may not agree that an apology is required, your opinion is actually irrelevant here - this is between your husband and his son. Apology or not, what IS required is for husband to listen to his son and try to build bridges. It's quite likely that your stepson just needs to be listened to and receive some empathy from his father. As for not being welcome at the wedding, it's not going too far if your husband isn't willing to listen to his son and put some empathy out there. Fiancee said for him marrying so soon and his father not willing to let him grieve afterwords. His fiancee has honestly been the only reason we have received updates and she has been pushing my husbands son to try and settle this before the baby comes along with the wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Fiancee said for him marrying so soon and his father not willing to let him grieve afterwords. His fiancee has honestly been the only reason we have received updates and she has been pushing my husbands son to try and settle this before the baby comes along with the wedding. Ok. I've seen some children who are glad to see their widowed parent move on quickly and I've seen some who were greatly hurt by it. I don't think there's a right or a wrong because we experience grief in different ways. I think your husband needs to acknowledge the hurt that a quick remarriage caused his son. I really think he probably just needs to sit and listen to his son and nod his head. To hold him, make peace with him and remind your son that nobody will ever replace his mother. In short, he needs to empathise in a way which makes his son feel understood. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 So his son has been living in Florida this whole time, right? While his mom died and after? So he basically had to grieve on his own, by himself, with maybe an occasional visit by his dad or a trip to see his dad? So he wasn't around to see how his dad handled it, he wasn't there to see you two meet and start to meet each other's needs...he was just alone down there. So he hasn't been able to understand the generic creating of y'all's relationship - to him it's just placing Woman B in Woman A's slot, with no humanity involved. I hope that makes sense. The only solution here is for your husband to start pushing for more communication. For him to grease the wheels of communication so that they feel safe talking to each other, and so your husband can start explaining just why you two came together. His son needs to be able to put a human experience on it, to understand it, let alone accept it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 So his son has been living in Florida this whole time, right? While his mom died and after? So he basically had to grieve on his own, by himself, with maybe an occasional visit by his dad or a trip to see his dad? So he wasn't around to see how his dad handled it, he wasn't there to see you two meet and start to meet each other's needs...he was just alone down there. So he hasn't been able to understand the generic creating of y'all's relationship - to him it's just placing Woman B in Woman A's slot, with no humanity involved. I hope that makes sense. The only solution here is for your husband to start pushing for more communication. For him to grease the wheels of communication so that they feel safe talking to each other, and so your husband can start explaining just why you two came together. His son needs to be able to put a human experience on it, to understand it, let alone accept it. No his Mother died when he was about 17 and then we got married the year he graduated and he was accepted into UF. And he hasn't been home since. I know there is more going on then his fiancee will say for her to have started pushing this. She hasn't gotten involved before. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Wait, so his mom died when he was in high school and by the time he graduated high school you two were married? No wonder he's pissed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 After the death of his mother, and your marriage - it seems the son was trying to establish himself as far as he could get from it. And begin a new life for himself with fiance and beginning a family. With the fiance's contacts to you, it would seem he still has inner unrest about the situation. Your husband going there, when convenient for all - does seem like a good plan. Link to post Share on other sites
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