Author StepMom001 Posted November 3, 2015 Author Share Posted November 3, 2015 Oh boy, you might want to tread lightly on the grandchild thing too. The son is probably hurting over not having his mom be there to be his baby's grandma. He's probably not going to see you as a grandparent. I know this likely all feels unfair to you, like you are being treated as an enemy when you haven't actually done anything wrong, but life isn't fair. It's not fair that this boy lost his mom as teenager, it's not fair that he's never going to be able to introduce his sweet newborn baby to his mom. He's hurting and he needs time to come around on his own terms. If he lets you meet the baby don't refer to yourself as the baby's grandparent, unless the son does it first. If you are patient and understanding the son will warm up to you and you will get to be a grandma to that baby. Don't force anything, don't rush, be gentle and patient. I worded that wrong, It is my Husbands Grandchild and i haven't ever referred to myself as Grandma or anything of the sort and nor would I unless he thought of it himself or called me that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted November 5, 2015 Author Share Posted November 5, 2015 Did you know your H before his wife died? Were you friends or acquaintances? How did you meet? No, We met passing by each other regularly because we both work in the same building in Seattle. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 5, 2015 Share Posted November 5, 2015 How long after his wife died did you guys first talk? Was he in pain? How did he seem? I'm just trying to figure out what his son's experience was like, to see if we can find anything your H could approach him about. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 How long after his wife died did you guys first talk? Was he in pain? How did he seem? I'm just trying to figure out what his son's experience was like, to see if we can find anything your H could approach him about. A Few months, yes obviously he was in pain. But buried it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 (edited) Wow. No wonder his son was blindsided. So it looks like what happened was that your H was hurting and vulnerable and you filled a need for a female companion, a soft place to land. And instead of bonding with his son over the loss and relying on each other, after only a few months the father went off in a different direction and left the son, well, basically high and dry. The father was suddenly getting his needs met by a woman (and probably sex?), while the son had to reach out to friends or just retreat inward. Sounds like he went inward. And found his anger at being abandoned by BOTH parents in his time of need. And then he steeled himself and, while your H was doing just fine, the son moved on and made a NEW life for himself BY himself, since he couldn't trust his dad. And, yes, I'm sure he blames half of it on you for allowing it to happen. Kind of like a 'you don't screw a drunk woman' kind of thing; it would have been better if you two had realized he needed time to grieve and taken it more slowly. Yeah, I'm not really hopeful. For their relationship OR for your marriage. Eventually, when the PEA chemicals (lust) are gone from y'all's relationship, and he looks around and realizes what he sacrificed for it, he's going to start resenting you. I hope not, but I've seen it go that way FAR too many times in a situation like yours. Best I can suggest is keep putting out feelers for the son and his girlfriend, try to apologize, and never ever say a harsh word to your H about his son. And maybe have your H, if he gets another chance, to explain that more personal side of it, on why he gravitated toward you, needed that support, so his son can see the human side of his truth. Edited November 10, 2015 by turnera Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted November 10, 2015 Share Posted November 10, 2015 I think it has to do with the son seeking righteousness. I know of a family where the husband began dating a month after his wife's death. He then had a stroke, and the girl friend took him directly to the Justice Of Peace for marriage. His daughters were in shock, but stayed close to their father, because they needed him (even though relationship between the girls and 'step mother' has been terrible, these years). It seems to happen more often than not. How long was Natalie dead when Jill moved in with Robert. Men seek sex for comfort. This young man just doesn't like the situation, and will stand by it. Getting him and girl friend to come for dinner, just seems to be a means of seeking approval, thus smoothing things over. Time can heal, or perhaps not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author StepMom001 Posted November 10, 2015 Author Share Posted November 10, 2015 We have had our rough patches but he hasn't started resenting me now and I don't think he would start now. His son reached out and invited him back this weekend. So he will be flying out there again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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