Married couples: Do you find this behaviour wrong?

[Nikki Sahagin]

My friend is 23 and married to a 33 year old man so quite a significant age gap. She is incredibly mature for a 23 year old. She used to be heavily into drugs and is the child of divorced parents. Now she has become a complete domesticated housewife. She is very traditional; cooks, cleans and basically serves 'her man.' She has given up a lot and cut ties with her friends and family to move far away to be with him.

 

He is mature on paper, fulfilling his side of the relationship. He works six days a week and brings home the bacon so to speak so they are secure in a very traditional, old-fashioned relationship but they are both happy.

 

One night my partner and I went out with him but not his wife. She wasn't feeling well. We decided to go out to a bar. Whilst there, prior to drinking he said, "I'm going to flirt, dance, touch up a few chicks, get a few numbers...nothing too naughty." To me this is completely unacceptable behaviour for a married man. He is acting like he is single and is going out with the INTENTION of chatting up and touching other women whilst his wife is home sick.

 

Whilst there, my partner went outside for a cigarette and his friend started to touch my butt and told me I was his type. I was shocked and didn't react appropriately. I wandered off and basically shut down the rest of the night.

 

When we see them together he plays the perfect husband role, but I now know that there is this other side of him too. I know some couples are happy with there partner going out and being naughty but I think it's safe to say that most couples would be very upset if there husband/wife behaved like this. For me it would be a deal breaker. I would consider it cheating/the intention to cheat.

 

What do you think? I feel bad for my friend.

[MidwestUSA]

Is this the only instance of this behavior that you've seen from him? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, wondering if he was just trying to get a rise out of you.

 

But, to answer the question, it's completely inappropriate.

[Lois_Griffin]

Your poor friend has gone and married herself a serial cheater. I think it would be terribly naïve to assume he's just acting flirty but would never really step over the line physically.

 

He's probably stepped over the line many, many times.

 

And like your typical serial cheater, he has no boundaries as to who he'll hit on if he thinks he'll get himself some strange (as you witnessed with his little game of grab-ass on you while your partner was having a smoke). Serial cheaters really don't discriminate when it comes to getting tail.

 

I had the misfortune of pairing up with someone JUST like this back when I was 21. A huge serial cheater who acted all devoted to my face, then the moment I'd leave the room to go to the bathroom, he was gaping at everything in the room and trying to get their phone numbers before I came back to the table.

 

Your poor friend is looking at a lifetime of being with a cheater, if she stays with him. Serial cheaters really don't change. They don't. She's already made herself financially dependent on him and followed this creep far away from home to live somewhere else - basically isolating herself from everyone who can support her emotionally and/or take her in.

 

She needs to be told, before this dirt-bag brings home some deadly STD that can't be eliminated with just a shot or a pill. Or worse yet, she'll be pregnant and this pig will infect her with something that will risk the baby's health. I've seen this type of thing played out over and over and over - and it's NEVER ended well for the betrayed spouse.

[salparadise]

Whilst there, my partner went outside for a cigarette and his friend started to touch my butt and told me I was his type. I was shocked and didn't react appropriately. I wandered off and basically shut down the rest of the night.

 

 

In what way did you not react appropriately? I think your reaction was on the mild side of appropriate. If you had doused him with a drink when he touched your butt... that would've been more appropriate. What a cad.

 

Now he's put you in the position of having to either help him keep his secrets from his wife, or tell her what kind of man she's married to. An unenviable dilemma for you. How do you intend to handle it?

[basil67]

A 23yo who basically cooks, cleans and serves her man.

 

Before I make assumptions here.....does she have friends? Go to college? Have a job? Basically, does she have a life outside her man?

[Nikki Sahagin]

A 23yo who basically cooks, cleans and serves her man.

 

Before I make assumptions here.....does she have friends? Go to college? Have a job? Basically, does she have a life outside her man?

 

 

She considers herself to be 'old-fashioned and traditional.' I consider her exploited. She works 2 days a week but he is the big money earner working 6 days a week. If they split she would certainly not have savings or much behind her. She is not continuing education and rarely if ever sees friends or family. She basically only sees him and his friends.

 

 

I remember her husbands brother also picked an early 20's woman. He said he picked her because younger women are easier to mould into the perfect woman which is someone who cooks, cleans and serves him basically. He just sits around and gets drunk all the time. They have 2 children. His wife is miserable and has depression, has no job, education or friends either.

 

 

I think they've both targeted younger women to mould themselves the perfect wife. Neither wife speaks up for herself or anything when her husband is blatantly being a d***. I have in the past but I'm made fun of for not being 'womanly' (basically I work, I don't cook or clean for my partner and I like traveling and don't particularly want kids - I'm definitely not traditional - but I just find THIS particular mould of traditional very strange, potentially abusive).

[Nikki Sahagin]

In what way did you not react appropriately? I think your reaction was on the mild side of appropriate. If you had doused him with a drink when he touched your butt... that would've been more appropriate. What a cad.

 

Now he's put you in the position of having to either help him keep his secrets from his wife, or tell her what kind of man she's married to. An unenviable dilemma for you. How do you intend to handle it?

 

Well I think I should have told my boyfriend what his friend said and did to me. I also think I should have told him what I think of him. But I just let walked away.

 

 

TBH I don't know what to do. I feel I should tell her, but I don't know if she will believe me. They have a house, mortgage, are trying to get pregnant...do I have a responsibility here?

[Nikki Sahagin]

Is this the only instance of this behavior that you've seen from him? I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt, wondering if he was just trying to get a rise out of you.

 

But, to answer the question, it's completely inappropriate.

 

It's the only time we've been to a bar together but I am certain he has displayed this behaviour before. When I went to charge my phone beside his a message flashed on the screen from another girl we all know basically telling him off for touching her and texting her and saying he should tell his wife and he is jeopardizing her relationship with her own bf. I only saw that one message so I don't know the full history.

 

 

Also, he was raised by a mum and dad who had an open relationship. They had orgies and slept with other people in the family home. I asked him why he chose to be married if he was raised to basically sleep around. He said his wife preferred monogamy so he went along with it. I think deep down this is not the lifestyle for him.

[Nikki Sahagin]

Your poor friend has gone and married herself a serial cheater. I think it would be terribly naïve to assume he's just acting flirty but would never really step over the line physically.

 

He's probably stepped over the line many, many times.

 

And like your typical serial cheater, he has no boundaries as to who he'll hit on if he thinks he'll get himself some strange (as you witnessed with his little game of grab-ass on you while your partner was having a smoke). Serial cheaters really don't discriminate when it comes to getting tail.

 

I had the misfortune of pairing up with someone JUST like this back when I was 21. A huge serial cheater who acted all devoted to my face, then the moment I'd leave the room to go to the bathroom, he was gaping at everything in the room and trying to get their phone numbers before I came back to the table.

 

Your poor friend is looking at a lifetime of being with a cheater, if she stays with him. Serial cheaters really don't change. They don't. She's already made herself financially dependent on him and followed this creep far away from home to live somewhere else - basically isolating herself from everyone who can support her emotionally and/or take her in.

 

She needs to be told, before this dirt-bag brings home some deadly STD that can't be eliminated with just a shot or a pill. Or worse yet, she'll be pregnant and this pig will infect her with something that will risk the baby's health. I've seen this type of thing played out over and over and over - and it's NEVER ended well for the betrayed spouse.

 

 

Hi. As far as I know he has never physically cheated but he is certainly veering dangerously close. They have only been together 3 years and she is young, pretty, compliant. STILL not enough for him obviously. Ironically, he has been cheated on in the past.

[central]

I'd say your response is just fine. His actions were not. As to whether his behavior is acceptable when directed at any other woman, you'd have to ask his wife what she expects of him, which means telling her how he behaved. He may be a cheater, or they may have an open relationship - if you haven't asked, you can't know. What you do know is that even if their relationship is open, it's not appropriate to come on to you if you are in a relationship.

[Michelle ma Belle]

I'd say your response is just fine. His actions were not. As to whether his behavior is acceptable when directed at any other woman, you'd have to ask his wife what she expects of him, which means telling her how he behaved. He may be a cheater, or they may have an open relationship - if you haven't asked, you can't know. What you do know is that even if their relationship is open, it's not appropriate to come on to you if you are in a relationship.

 

This.

 

To the poster who said that they would give him the benefit of the doubt and thought he might have been doing these things to get a rise out of you and your partner, I think that is a load of crap.

 

Who behaves like this? Going around flirting, dancing, collecting phone numbers and touching inappropriately including YOU is NOT the actions of someone innocently trying get a rise out of anyone other then himself.

 

It's a tough call OP but I think if the tables were turned and it was your partner out doing these things I would think you'd want your friends to let you know.

[veggirl]

I'd tell her what he did. Of course since she is uneducated, doesn't work, has no money, she will probably defend him because he finances her life but still. It sounds like they are BOTH getting what they want out of this relationship - him a young girl and her a man with money who lets her stay home.

[kgcolonel]

It's the only time we've been to a bar together but I am certain he has displayed this behaviour before. When I went to charge my phone beside his a message flashed on the screen from another girl we all know basically telling him off for touching her and texting her and saying he should tell his wife and he is jeopardizing her relationship with her own bf. I only saw that one message so I don't know the full history.

 

 

Also, he was raised by a mum and dad who had an open relationship. They had orgies and slept with other people in the family home. I asked him why he chose to be married if he was raised to basically sleep around. He said his wife preferred monogamy so he went along with it. I think deep down this is not the lifestyle for him.

 

 

How close are you to your friend. I heard a psychologist once say that you really don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Is there any possibility that they are in an open relationship? Trust me, I am not trying to excuse him if they're not. What he did is deplorable even if they're open, you and your partner don't sound like you are and that is betrayal at least to you and your partner. I would tell your partner though so when you're less than excited about getting together again, he'll know why.

[MidwestUSA]

This.

 

To the poster who said that they would give him the benefit of the doubt and thought he might have been doing these things to get a rise out of you and your partner, I think that is a load of crap.

 

I asked if this was a first. I never said I WOULD give him the benefit of the doubt, I was trying to. And I was WONDERING.

 

Nothing more than initial question to try to get some perspective. Sorry you feel it's a load of crap.

[sandylee1]

Assuming he wasn't joking about touching girls up and collecting numbers....then it's definetly inappropriate.

 

You should have told your BF what he did /said to you as well..even if you didn't do it in the club...you should have done when you got home.

 

The guy is not a one woman man. I know people choose their lifestyles.......but in this day and age, I do wonder why women are comfortable being totally financially dependant on a man. When things go belly up...They feel trapped and unable to leave because they have no money, no education and no self confidence.

Lots of these men know they have the control and feel entitled, knowing their wives are stuck and have to put up with their crap......at least for some time.

 

As he has confirmed she is monogamous, it's not an open marriage. If it were my friend..I'd tell her....but he'd probably say he was just kidding around.

[Popsicle]

I guess he couldn't get any play from the other women in the bar so he resorted to feeling you up.

 

...which makes me think he planned to make a move on you the whole time.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'd tell your friend. even if she doesn't want to hear it. And of course tell your SO.

[Poppygoodwill]

I agree: tell your SO at a minimum. She deserves to know too, but it's much more delicate. Like you, I'm bothered by the apparent lack of equality in power in their relationship. She seems dependent on him while he's out pretending he's more independant that he's supposed to be as a married man. The thing about 'she wanted to marry, so I'm goign along with it' rings very true. You can almost hear his internal thought process and how he justifies his behaviour by saying he's doing the 'right thing' by giving her what she wants, so it's not wrong to go off and do what he wants on the side.

 

You should tell her that you were uncomfortable with what you saw of his behaviour, how he was with women in the bar. If there's evidence on his phone of his bad behaviour, you might just want to plant that seed of knowledge in her mind so she can go and find the evidence on her own. If I were you, I'd try to avoid saying he hit on you becuase that puts you in the middle of hte drama and if she's going to be defensive, she might fix on that and make you the problem as opposed to see the larger problem that he has.

 

Definitely though tell your SO - to protect yourself in case the scumbag comes back later and claims you hit on him, and also to help build the overall pressure on him. If his friend is critical of his behaviour, then it's harder for him to dismiss his wife's criticism. or yours, for that matter.

 

It's tricky, but I think you should do something. You could really help her in the long run.

[TommyGee]

Life is full of hard choices -- difficult to know what is the right thing. Some easy answers here though. Your friend's husband is a complete sh**, regardless of what kind of relationship they have. She it seems is living in a bit of a fantasy land.

 

I can only advise what I would have done when I was 30, and what I would do now (because hopefully I've learned a few things).

 

When I was 30 I would have just let it be, with the thought that we all make our own choices and we are responsible for the consequences.

 

Now, I would refine that to, first, make a conscious decision regarding your friend and how much you care about her, how far you are willing to go to help and support if she needs you. You can't save everybody from themselves. But whatever decision you make, you have to live with those consequences.

 

The right thing to do is tell her. If she already knows what's going on -- fine. If she continues to live in denial, you will have to accept that. If it all blows up, you have to realize you helped to detonate and should be there to help her to get through.

 

If you're not willing to commit to those choices, then the right thing to do is, let it be.

[mrs rubble]

I think you should tell your BF, I recently told my BF about a friend who hit on me not long ago. My BF confronted the guy, gave him a telling off and we haven't seen him since.

I don't think it's your place to tell the friend, she could see you as meddling, she could disbelieve you, or like other posters have said they may have an open marriage.

Your BF is a different story though he has a right to know...he may very well deal with the issue too.

[salparadise]

TBH I don't know what to do. I feel I should tell her, but I don't know if she will believe me. They have a house, mortgage, are trying to get pregnant...do I have a responsibility here?

 

 

That's a tough call. Generally speaking I'm not a believer in interfering. It's pompously presumptuous to think that you know what's best for someone else, or that it's up to you to change the course of the universe. Secrets are an undesirable burden for sure, and most people would consider his behavior despicable... but that doesn't translate to responsibility on your part to take any particular action. Life experience has taught me that the default should be to presume noting and keep my mouth shut. The option remains open until you exercise it; you cannot unring a bell.

[Heatherknows]

Well I think I should have told my boyfriend what his friend said and did to me. I also think I should have told him what I think of him. But I just let walked away.

 

 

TBH I don't know what to do. I feel I should tell her, but I don't know if she will believe me. They have a house, mortgage, are trying to get pregnant...do I have a responsibility here?

 

I'd tell her BEFORE she get's pregnant.

[Keats]

Consider the friendship over...

 

I would tell her. Your involved now. It's like getting robbed and having to hide it because you might hurt someone, or refusing to hold someone responsible for crappy behaviour that affects everyone because - I don't know whatever small reason. Usually fear or non of my business approaches. I don't get those.

 

Tell her and then end the friendship with her yourself.

 

Leave them to it.

 

If the husband wanted to keep a secret he wouldn't have abused you.

 

I don't think this is making moves on women. I think it is sexually harassing women.

 

Since when was it acceptable to randomly touch a woman's backside? "Friends" or no friends it is wrong.

[Lion Heart]

Hi. As far as I know he has never physically cheated but he is certainly veering dangerously close. They have only been together 3 years and she is young, pretty, compliant. STILL not enough for him obviously. Ironically, he has been cheated on in the past.

 

Hi Nikki

 

I think anything you do with a member of the sex you're attracted to should be done AS THOUGH YOUR PARTNER WAS WATCHING. If this sleaze wouldn't ever carry on like that IN FRONT of his W then his behaviour would not be acceptable to her (and her understanding of their M commitment).

 

In my opinion he is ALREADY CHEATING.

Texting OW?

Hitting on OW?

Making it QUITE clear through verbalising his INTENTION of all that with OW?

 

WHAT IN EARTH DID YOUR PARTNER think of it?

I'd ask HIM if he thinks this behaviour is ok for a MM.

 

I'm surprised you didn't slap MMs hand off your butt! I did last weekend. But at least that guy was single (no wonder IMO! Lol). And I told my WH too and I told my male friend who is also the sleazes friend. He** now I'm telling LS! I was incensed TBH. He knew that I was M.

 

Anyway I don't like seeing MM behave like that. I'm 50yo so I've seen quite a bit. Any time I've seen one of my friend's Hs kissing OW, I tell the OW he's M and am around their house first opportunity to tell my friend. It's the LEAST I'd expect from my friends if the shoe was on the other foot.

 

Good luck with your decision making

Lion Heart.

[Els]

She considers herself to be 'old-fashioned and traditional.' I consider her exploited. She works 2 days a week but he is the big money earner working 6 days a week. If they split she would certainly not have savings or much behind her.

 

I don't think this in itself makes her exploited or abused, for if they were to separate, in most legislations she can go after half of all assets acquired during their marriage if she sees fit. Usually that will suffice for her to acquire an education or some skills at the very least. My grandparents and many relatives had such a relationship and were happy. It isn't for everyone but I wouldn't judge based off of this alone.

 

That being said... his actions were completely wrong and THOSE were abusive. What a piece of cheating scum. If you think your friend would believe you, I think you should pull her aside and talk to her quietly about this. At least then she can make an informed decision about what she wants to do next.

 

It's entirely your choice, but you also have the option of reporting him for sexual harassment if he groped you.