lucy_in_disguise Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I have posted here before and gotten some excellent advice about my relationship. I have been dating my boyfriend for about a year, and he is someone I want a future with. My bf is 5 years my junior. There are some poaitive aspects to this age gap and on a day to day basis, i think our maturity levels line up fairly well. However, this does present some challenges since we are not in the same place career-wise and financially. I also believe having the benefit of 5 extra years of experience makes it easier for me to understand what I am looking for from the relationship. Due to the age gap, my approach has been to let him take the lead on moving things forward, since the last thing i want is to pressyre someone who is not ready to make commitments. Thats the background on our dynamic. The current issue is that hes in the process of interviewing for some jobs that are out of town... and we havent talked at all about what the implications would be if he got an offer. He has always expressed an interest in moving outside our city, and these are great opportunitied for him. I have been extremely encouraging/ supportive (edited resume, provided tons of advice, even referred him to one of the positions). However, now that its all becoming more real, and looking like he will end up getting an offer.... I am starting to feel hurt that I have no clue where I stand in his plans. In terms of my perspective... I love him and I want to stay together. On the other hand, I have no interest in having a long-distance relationship. My job is very flexible and I would be able to move almost anywhere. I am interested in trying some place new and would be willing to move to any reasonably interesting location. That being said... i feel like i would need for him to at least be willing to.commit to living together. He has not expressed any interest yet in this and I am not sure hes ready. What shoild I do? Initiate the conversation now? Wait to see how this pans out after he gets an actual offer? Previously, mg thoguht was that without an offer, the converstion was kinda premature, however, I am starting to feel angry/ hurt that I am probably providing support for him to leave me. Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 There is no sense in talking about hypotheticals. I'd wait to see if he gets the job first. Also what do you mean by out of town & how far is an LDR for you? There are a lot of parts to this. Are you really ready to move in together because you love each other? You make it sound like you are only considering this for practical reasons (his new job) as opposed to a desire to deepen your commitment. If he is searching for a better opportunity, don't discount the idea that he is doing so as part of plan to show you he's a good provider. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) There is no sense in talking about hypotheticals. I'd wait to see if he gets the job first. Also what do you mean by out of town & how far is an LDR for you? There are a lot of parts to this. Are you really ready to move in together because you love each other? You make it sound like you are only considering this for practical reasons (his new job) as opposed to a desire to deepen your commitment. If he is searching for a better opportunity, don't discount the idea that he is doing so as part of plan to show you he's a good provider. Thanks donnovian... that was my initial thought with all this- why add unnecessary stress to the situation by talking about hypotheticals. The jobs are out of state - far enough away to require flying. The are great opportunities for him and i totally understabnd why he considering. It is the right next step - for him. As for whether we are ready to move in- I feel like I am ready, and not just for practical reasons, but I dont think that he is, which is why I'm concerned about the implications. I would be willing to move but would need to understand that we're in this together- vs. me packing up my life to follow some guy who is not sure he sees a future with me. Maybe all of this just confirms were in different places right now (figuratuvely and soon-to-be literally) and not compatible. Funny thing is- i had this exact scenario play it in my prior relationship, with the roles reversed. I came across an amazing job opportunity in a different state and my bf at the time essentialy delivered an ultimatum- he was not willing to move or do LDR. I did not take the job and ended up resenting him for it. It was the start of the end. So, I have some anxiety around the situation now, bt hopefully also a more balanced perspective than my ex did. My ex forced me to pick between him and my career, without any willingness to compromise. I want the best for my bf and want to believe it is possible to make it work without those types of sacrifices. At this point, I am just not sure if he is thinking the same. Edited October 23, 2015 by lucy_in_disguise Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 At this point, I am just not sure if he is thinking the same. Not sure why you're so hesitant to discuss this with him. As adults, a one-year exclusive relationship is as least the start of something more permanent and official. An open and honest talk lets you both understand what he's thinking about this specifically and the relationship in more general terms. If he's just passing time with you, wouldn't you want to know? And if he thinks you're the "one" wouldn't you also want to be aware of that? Talk to him about this... Mr. Lucky 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Well, I have to be honest. If I was with someone exclusively for a year now and they started applying for out of state jobs - without even talking to me first or asking me if I could possibly see myself living in another state - I'd assume I wasn't part of the future picture in his mind. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 you can't do someone's resume, help them network, and hand-hold them into their next job and not ask wtf is going to happen to the relationship if he scores a position. it's time to talk about his long-term goals and plans, and how you fit in. "Hey Joe, what if you get this job? Should I be looking for a job there too, or were you interested in a ldr situation?" Speak up. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
acrosstheuniverse Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 I find it strange that you can't talk to him about this. Surely after being exclusive for a year, you have spoken about a future together? Not necessarily marriage/kids at this point unless one of you is gunning for either of those asap, but at least where you see yourselves next year, the year after, whether you want to be together permanently or not? If I was with a guy a year and he started job hunting far away without actually asking me to move with him or asking if I'd have a LDR, I would presume we weren't serious for him and be so turned off the relationship it'd be hard for me to continue. I'd speak to him about it sure, but I can't help but think if he wants you to move with him, he'd be speaking to you about this already, so you can both decide on a location together rather than it being just his choice. I worry this is part of a bigger picture, your differing maturity levels or differing levels of interest in or commitment to the relationship. You mention the age gap but I know plenty of people who are in relationships with a gap of that amount, even much more, where the younger partner is so sure of the relationship they're ready to commit and don't want to risk losing the relationship. So I wouldn't necessarily blame it on him not being 'ready' in a maturity sense... I would try to ignore the gap and see how his feelings are for you, in this relationship. You want a future with him, but he doesn't seem concerned whether you're in his future or not. I hate to be such a pessimist but it just seems so weird not to talk over a cross country move with your partner. I think you have nothing to lose by bringing it up and everything to gain. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Poppygoodwill Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) I agree. YOu're in a committed, exclusive relationship. You are entitled to ask these questions. and asking it when the job offer comes in, is too late. It also sets up the situation where there is no chance to compromise, so it's more likely he'll take the job no matter how you feel. Leaving you in the position of following along or staying behind, without much control of things. BUT if you talk now about the possibility of going together, then, for instance, you could be focusing his job hunt on places that would work for you as well, where you both would want to live. You can solve the question of 'where is this going' - whether he gets the job or not - by talking about the idea of living together. You can build compromise into the job hunt, as opposed to try to ask for it in the final instance, when a job offer is on the table. Sounds like you have erred too much in favour of quiet support due to your past bad experience. But if you're serious about this guy, then now is the time to show your cards and find out what his say. Otherwise, I think it's safe to assume that if he hasn't talked about NOT wanting to leave you behind, then he's not that bothered by the idea. Edited October 25, 2015 by Poppygoodwill Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 To be honest, with the way a lot of guys are commitment phobic, I understand why the OP is hesitant to broach the issue with him. You don't want to be seen as pushy and there have been people in relationships for a lot longer than a year, that haven't discussed the future. The thing for me is the age difference. I had just a year age gap with a guy and we got on really well, but we were at different stages of study/career - and I estimated it would be at least 5 years till he was able to commit. He expressed a future, but the timing was too long for me to wait. As you are helping with his resume though, I'd ask how he sees things working out if he gets a job out of state. He might just be assuming you'll come with him (as your work is flexible), without even asking you. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Has he come out and asked you if you would be willing to move with him? If not I don't think he is as serious about your relationship as you are. Definitely find out where you stand by talking to him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Well, I asked, and the conversation went exactly as I expected. He was unable to give me any kind of answers. He said he figured wed cross thst bridge when we got there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
newmoon Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Well, I asked, and the conversation went exactly as I expected. He was unable to give me any kind of answers. He said he figured wed cross thst bridge when we got there. it's good you asked but why be so passive? you don't have any desire to steer your own course and make an active choice? he gets to decide for you both? communication is expressing what you need as well... doesn't sound like you did that part:( Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Well, I have to be honest. If I was with someone exclusively for a year now and they started applying for out of state jobs - without even talking to me first or asking me if I could possibly see myself living in another state - I'd assume I wasn't part of the future picture in his mind. This. I would see it this way. You've only been dating for a year and you're not married. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lucy_in_disguise Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Some additional context that may be relevent: we have always both expressed an interest in moving away from here. I encouraged him to seek these jobs. At the start of the job search, he did express concern re: our relationship, but I assumred him we would figure it out when it was less hypothetical. So, I dont think that all this is coming as a surprise. I am just nervous/ anxiois because it is becoming less hypothetical and im not sure what his thoughts are (not sure he knows either). Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Sometime between now and when he's loading the moving van, you'll have to lay your concerns on the table. Between us and him, I'd choose him to talk to... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
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