is sharing pickups/dropoffs between co-parents fair?

[LifeNomad]

Hello all currently I see my kids Mondays & Wednesdays for a few hours, and Fridays they stay thru Saturdays.

 

 

Over the past year I have been the one picking up and dropping them off at their moms, however just recently I brought up the idea of me picking them up and the mom picking them up to go back with her, basically share the pickup/dropoff.

 

 

Reason for this is it takes me at least 20-25 min each way, and this past week I got out of work late and I only had 1 1/2 hrs to be with them and it all felt so rushed because I had to have them back before 8p.

 

 

So anyways the mom went into a rage and starts threatning me she wont let me see kids till we start a court procedure for child custody (so far everything has been verbal, we had agreed on days and ive been giving her money orders as child support)

 

 

So I have been looking up lawyers here to possibly start as everything we have has just been verbal agreements, so far they have worked out good but lately she seems to be changing.

 

 

So I guess my question is, is it ok to share the pickup/drop-offs? Am I out of line for asking her this? Im only trying to be fair for both of us, if its not something reasonable I will completely back off. Howver in our past relationship and even now, im always the one giving in, always apologizing even when I feel it wasn't my fault, always trying to live and let live, and now im just not sure if still im maybe out of line or what with this particular situation :\

Edited October 23, 2015 by LifeNomad

[Tayla]

Direct answer: Yes its reasonable to ask.

 

Go to the court house, file the paperwork. Get this in writing. Should anything happen to either one of you , you need those documents to secure certain matters.

 

Custody and all the joys that come with it need to be clearly defined. And if you reside in the USA, My tip of advice, DO NOT ALLOW the Opposing Guardian to get all the glory in the Tax Credits. Alternate years is the optimal compromise. Never sign anything without both sides being fairly regarded and the children being the priority.

[eye of the storm]

Fair is fair. So yes sharing pick-up/drop-offs is reasonable and fair.

 

Get a lawyer, now. Tell your lawyer that you want to be scrupulously fair. But to you fair also means equal. Make sure everything is spelled out and iron clad.

 

You can always be flexible later to help the other person out. But you must start out firm. That way when you are flexible it is a nice gesture but not to be expected.

[LifeNomad]

Direct answer: Yes its reasonable to ask.

 

Go to the court house, file the paperwork. Get this in writing. Should anything happen to either one of you , you need those documents to secure certain matters.

 

Custody and all the joys that come with it need to be clearly defined. And if you reside in the USA, My tip of advice, DO NOT ALLOW the Opposing Guardian to get all the glory in the Tax Credits. Alternate years is the optimal compromise. Never sign anything without both sides being fairly regarded and the children being the priority.

 

Thankds for your reply, just wanted to touch up on the tax credits, doesn't the parent with primary custody get to have the tax credits? I thought it was whoever the kids live more than half the time with, in my case, I only see kids Mondays & Tuesdays for a few hours, and Fridays after school thru Saturdays.

 

 

I mean don't get me wrong I would absolutely love to share tax credits but was under the impression I wasn't entitled to that.

[serial muse]

Seems perfectly fair to me. I agree with the others that you should probably outline the exact expectations in writing though, for everyone's benefit.

 

I'm curious about why she'd get so upset at this thought. Did she give any explanation for this? Seems an odd thing to be upset about.

[Michelle ma Belle]

As far as asking to share pick-ups / drop off's, ABSOLUTELY!

 

As for tax credits, I can't really speak in legal terms or legal rights since my ex and I are not like most divorced couples since we still get along and care deeply for one another. We kind of made our own rules when it came to these things. In our case, we have have joint/equal custody and I receive all the tax benefits. That was something we agree on together when we divorced.

 

Good luck.

[LifeNomad]

Seems perfectly fair to me. I agree with the others that you should probably outline the exact expectations in writing though, for everyone's benefit.

 

I'm curious about why she'd get so upset at this thought. Did she give any explanation for this? Seems an odd thing to be upset about.

 

Shes always been "her way or the highway", she could have been on her rag too idk I lost track of her cycle a long time ago.

[Tayla]

Thankds for your reply, just wanted to touch up on the tax credits, doesn't the parent with primary custody get to have the tax credits? I thought it was whoever the kids live more than half the time with, in my case, I only see kids Mondays & Tuesdays for a few hours, and Fridays after school thru Saturdays.

 

 

I mean don't get me wrong I would absolutely love to share tax credits but was under the impression I wasn't entitled to that.

 

Correct, one of the myths is that the Primary guardian automatically gets this credit. That is NOT true. If the Supporting Guardian contributes financially and otherwise, they are also allowed to Utilize the tax credit. Most attorneys will use this as a bargaining chip though and tell you that as the NON Primary That you have to give this up. You do NOT. THus why its highly suggested to use the Alternate Year Credit Dynamic. You take odd years, she gets the even years. that is what is called fair.

[mammasita]

Perfectly fair. I meet my sons father 1/2 way.... all. the. time.

 

I'm a freak of nature though in that we also alternate claiming him on our taxes. OH THE HORROR of a sane ex-wife who is fair

[LifeNomad]

Correct, one of the myths is that the Primary guardian automatically gets this credit. That is NOT true. If the Supporting Guardian contributes financially and otherwise, they are also allowed to Utilize the tax credit. Most attorneys will use this as a bargaining chip though and tell you that as the NON Primary That you have to give this up. You do NOT. THus why its highly suggested to use the Alternate Year Credit Dynamic. You take odd years, she gets the even years. that is what is called fair.

 

thanks I will consider looking into this. really appreciate it.

[Mrin]

We do the pitcher/catcher approach. Whoever is handing off the kids does the driving.

 

My GF does the neutral spot approach where both parents always drive.

 

The main benefit of the neutral spot approach is distance (if the two live more than 30 mins away). The other thing is the neutral spot approach requires people to be on time. Both a blessing and a curse.

 

Personally I like the pitcher/catcher approach.

[LifeNomad]

Thank you, I like the pitcher catcher approach as well as it would seem less coordination/timing is involved. (For example not having to wait at a parking lot for the other parent to show up)

[Miss Peach]

What you're asking for is reasonable. I personally like to avoid contact with the ex at transitions - especially when a divorce is new. Using school or daycare at the dropoff/pick up point can help with that. Our rule is that whoever is getting the time with the child owns the pick up.

 

The exception is my XH moved pretty far away the opposite direction that jobs are so I insist on him doing the extra driving during the weekdays because I can't travel that sort of distance, work, and deal with child care. It's too many travel hours and he was the one who chose to move away. But I do pick up on the weekend. I would have been more flexible on this if he had moved in the direction where my industry is but he moved the opposite direction.

 

The only concern I have is that she is threatening taking the kids away 100% as punishment. I hope you have that in writing. That won't go over well in a court situation unless there is abuse, drugs, etc. involved. Even is your XW is the primary parent they still need to keep access to the child open on a schedule.

 

As far as taxes I wouldn't advise automatically to switch. Either of you can claim them. It's just that you can't BOTH claim them. Where I am it's part of the child support calculation and I am the higher earning parent. So it benefits both of us for me to take the deductions because I pay less in taxes and XH gets more in support tax-free.

Edited October 23, 2015 by Miss Peach

[GunslingerRoland]

That is such a short amount of time for the Mondays & Wednesdays... given the distance maybe you need to look at using those times to do something closer to their Mom's house?

 

Having the mom pick them up, really only solves part of the problem, as it sounds like they are pretty young and probably need to get to bed early.

 

If you only have 2 hours or so, maybe rather than driving all the way back to your end of town, take them to a restaurant or a play area?

[LifeNomad]

That is such a short amount of time for the Mondays & Wednesdays... given the distance maybe you need to look at using those times to do something closer to their Mom's house?

 

Having the mom pick them up, really only solves part of the problem, as it sounds like they are pretty young and probably need to get to bed early.

 

If you only have 2 hours or so, maybe rather than driving all the way back to your end of town, take them to a restaurant or a play area?

 

 

I do and I have but sometimes they just want to go home, actually majority of the time they would rather go home :\

[turnera]

The problem you have is that your ex doesn't want to play fair and even if you get it in writing, she won't comply. Then you'll spend even more money with lawyers taking her back for not complying. Is there anyone in her life who she'll listen to? Maybe you could talk to them and explain why this isn't working, and ask them to talk to her about being more fair. And DO tell them that she flat out said she would refuse to allow you to see them at all.