blomax Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I'll try to keep this brief so as not to overwhelm people. My wife and I have been together nearly 10 years. I've read a number of threads that remind me of communication problems. Namely, I didn't feel things were wrong, she didn't express what was bothering here, as such, she has left and moved on. By the time she said anything, she was completely over trying to fix it. That's my take now. Anyway, quick backstory. Year ago she told me she wanted to separate. I was in shock. She moved out immediately and stayed with a friend (yes, I asked her to stay --- also offered to move out myself). Found out she signed a lease instead without telling me. We went to therapy, she showed up late nearly every time, and if I asked for anything (communication, time together) she wouldn't commit to it. It broke down to that she wouldn't text with me, or agree to spend time together. After 8 months of getting almost no engagement and communication I broke down. I felt trapped, we weren't talking, going to therapy, spending any time together. I gave it a month, and finally said to myself, "I'm not in any relationship." I constantly expressed my remorse, and willingness to work on things --- but that needed both of us. In our last therapy session I shared my thoughts. I pleaded that I didn't want a divorce, but that if weren't working on things, then what are we in. She just wouldn't file herself. After 8 months, I filed in the hopes of sparking something in her --- I was broken, she had completely ejected, and so forth. When she signed a lease she left everything at home, my mom and I had to pack it up for her, it was as if everything was meaningless and she wanted to forget about our 10 years together (6 together, 3 married). It was really sad. So, fast forward to today. Yes I filed. In that therapy session I asked if she wanted divorce, she said, "You should do what you need to do." I asked her what I could do for her right now and if there was anything I could do to make things work. There was no response. When I left that session I called her that night. She didn't pick up. I texted and called in the morning telling her I didn't want to do this, to give me some sort of sign --- nothing. So I went down and filed with my brother. I let her know, and got a text back. "I didn't know you had made up your mind =(". My marriage ended and the response was a text and emoticon. I will never forget that. Fast forward to today. It's been 4 months since I filed. Nothing has been finalized. I've tried to work with her to finalize things, she has expressed that she wants to move forward with the divorce --- as of now, she won't engage with finalizing things like splitting assets, and signing the last remaining paperwork. If I reach out, I'm ignored. No response to texts, emails, calls. Nothing. It's beyond me. Yes, I still love her. At this point, I'm just trying to do what she wants with compassion. Yes, I'm heartbroken, but I've tried everything to be mature, compassionate, and a good person in this. I'm not perfect, but I've taken a lot of responsibility, and I've be true to my values, and my feelings for her. There are days I want to go down and revoke the papers, and leave it to her. The sad thing is that I don't think it will help. I've been left in this limbo state. Right now I would like her back, to do a full 180. That said, there is nothing that demonstrates to me that will happen. There is also nothing that demonstrates to me that she'll take care of finalizing things. It's as if she's just putting her head in the sand --- if she leaves it there long enough things will get taken care of. No idea what I'm looking for here. It's a bizarre situation. My therapist, and our marriage counselor don't understand it. She wants the divorce, but won't do it. And now won't communicate anything about what she does want. So I'm left beating myself up and just trying to do the right thing, and give her what she would like. I'm trying NC again, the last time I gave her 3 weeks until I broke. This happened throughout our separation and therapy, I would give her space and time, and ultimately, she never reached out. I my eyes, it's not fair to just eject from a marriage and let it linger. I suppose some people can do that, but I can't. Ultimately, I'd like to hold on to her and work on our problems. I never cheated, didn't abuse her, I simply didn't spend as much time with her as I could have (was at work then went to business school at night for the past 3 years). Time was tough, but I was investing in our future. I never got any indication there was a problem (outside of obvious communication issues --- which are obviously big, I get it, hindsight is 20/20). As far as I know there wasn't another person, but I'll never know that. I've asked, she has said no, but I don't feel this process has been given a ton of honesty. Anyway, suggestions here? Do I just give it time and space and wait? Do I force finalizing this when deep down that's not what I want? I haven't reached out to parents / friends (in 6 months) as not to involve anyone else. Should I take that approach? To me, this is bizarre. If someone wants a divorce (and I have friends that have gone through this) the party that wants it, initiates it and leads the charge. Here, my partner has ejected, and simply left me to simmer (IMO). At some point one has to take control of their life, I'm trying to do that in a considerate way, that is also true to my values. Super difficult time. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 What does your lawyer say about moving things forward without her response? In most states, a non-cooperating spouse can slow things down but not stop the eventual process. Do you know if she's retained an attorney? Here's info from one of many websites: No one can stop you from getting a divorce if you want one, with the possible exception of the court. If you don’t follow proper legal procedure, a judge can deny your divorce, forcing you to start over. Your spouse can't stop you, but she can complicate the process. Step 1 Decide what ground you want to use to file for divorce. All states require that you give a reason in your divorce petition for ending your marriage. All states also provide for some version of no-fault divorce. In either case, you have the burden of proof to show the court your ground exists. If you chose a fault ground when your spouse is already resisting the divorce, you'll provide her with an opportunity to contest it by denying the wrongdoing. She generally can't contest a no-fault ground. Step 2 Research the rules for service of process in your state. You can call your county court, a legal aid center, your local paralegal association or consult with a lawyer. Make sure you understand exactly what you have to do to ensure that your spouse legally receives a copy of your divorce petition after you file it. If you err, your spouse can say she wasn't properly served and block your divorce proceedings. You could still get a divorce, but you'd have to start the process all over again. Step 3 Wait out the period of time your state gives your spouse to answer your divorce petition. If she files a response with the court, you’ll probably have to resolve your divorce by trial; she won’t agree to a settlement if she doesn’t want the divorce. Step 4 Call the court again to find out how you can move forward with a default judgment if your spouse ignores your divorce papers and doesn't answer them within the allotted time. In most states, this requires filing a request for default, then appearing at a hearing to testify that you’ve met your state’s filing requirements and to prove your ground. If you chose a no-fault option, your opinion that your marriage is over is usually enough. Otherwise, you might have the added task of convincing the judge that your ground happened, such as by proving adultery or cruelty. Step 5 Prepare for trial if your spouse does answer your divorce petition. If you used a no-fault ground, the trial will only address issues of property division, support and custody of your children. Gather all documentation you can to prove the value of your assets and the extent of your debts and write a proposed parenting plan to address custody and time with your children. If you filed on a fault ground, be prepared to substantiate it, just as you would have to have done at a default hearing. In a trial, however, your spouse can raise “defenses” against your ground, such as that you condoned her behavior. If she's successful, the judge won't grant your divorce on that ground, and you'll have to start over, filing a new petition and using a ground she can't disprove. Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author blomax Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 Thanks for the info, appreciate. The issue is I don't want the divorce. So a bit of a catch-22. She's just living her life, I would like to work on things, and she simply ignores the fact she's still married. Yes, I can force the divorce but it'll be extremely costly for me --- so, it's not worth it. If she wants the divorce, I'd prefer we sit down and talk through things, but that isn't happening. Basically, no idea what she wants to do. Yes, I can force it but there's little financial upside to do that. Link to post Share on other sites
RightThere Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 My advice, if you do nothing, then nothing will happen, ever. She is living her life and probably knows you'll always be waiting in the background for when she's done doing her thing. The "upside" to getting your divorce over and done with is that you'll break free of the chain she's got you on and you can heal and start living your own life. I understand you still love her. But you need to decide if the current life you are living with her is the one you're willing to accept (she uses you only when she needs you, she probably gets to date other men, etc). If you think you deserve something better, then just file your divorce and get it done. Otherwise you'll die of old age before she actually does anything out of her own free will to move the divorce along. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 I'm not sure why it would cost you financially. Your marriage was three years and most jurisdictions don't give a lot of alimony for that short a marriage. Also there is usually not much built up in assets. If you have children then you have a good case for 50/50 child sharing which would reduce your child support--she left the house and this could be considered by the judge as less investment in the children. The longer you wait the more it will cost you in alimony if you are the breadwinner. Look up the book Five Love Languages to see if you can get through to her with different communication. Otherwise, I would just divorce. You can have a divorce without her cooperation but you cannot have a marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 If you think you deserve something better, then just file your divorce and get it done. Otherwise you'll die of old age before she actually does anything out of her own free will to move the divorce along. Well said. I have a few shares of Apple I bought at $200 and the money I spent on my divorce was a much, much better investment. Can't put a price on happiness... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I know this is not what you wanted for your marriage but I do believe you are 100% right in filing and moving the divorce forward. She abandoned the marriage (and abandonment often is a justifiable ground for divorce in at-fault states) and you have not had an actual wife or marriage for quite some time. All the divorce is really doing is letting the courthouse know and letting them get caught up on the paperwork to make it legally recognized. Even though it's not what you wanted, it is still taking charge of your own future and your own destiny. Otherwise you would have this legal brick hanging from your neck forever. You are doing the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Just a couple questions out of my own curiosity - does your wife have any history with any kind of mental illness? ie depresson, mood disorder, anxiety disorder, schizophrenia etc etc etc etc? Does she have a history of just not showing up for work until she gets fired or signed up for school or classes and then just stops going etc? And also is there anything here that you are not telling us on your end such as abuse or alcoholism/addiction or adultery??? do you have any children with her? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blomax Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 All good questions. No physical abuse. No emotional abuse (to my knowledge) --- she didn't say anything in therapy either. No adultry. I am guilty of taking my wife for granted at times? For sure. The past 3 years were tough, both of us were in business school, my dad died, she lost her job. So we drifted, but I was never unhappy and looking back, should have checked in more. What sparked this was her not coming home one night. I asked her to go talk to someone as she was partying a fair bit, and boom --- comes back wants to separate. First I knew how unhappy she was (again, I could have checked in more so I'm guilty there). That night she said she didn't cheat, I have no idea truthfully what happened. I do tend to believe her but know really knows. Didn't seem to be my place to press or hang up on that event when everything else hit. No issues of depression, etc that I know of. My nagging was that I did everything in the house. Cleaning, mail, laundry, taxes, grocery. You name. If I didn't do it, rarely got done. I'm not a high confrontational person, so my nagging is like "hey, can you help me around the house sometime." Its not super pointed, and probably doesn't express how I really feel. Anyway, our marriage counselor has been befuddled as well. That's her word for it. If anything, she thinks theres attention deficit issues as she's too high functioning (school, work) to have other stuff going on y wife definitely has issues expressing feelings, so its why this has been difficult. She just avoids and doesn't communicate. My take is that she got bored, took my nagging and internalizes it, and finally just blew her top and was out. The attention issues mean she'll deal with it when she needs to, and I don't get the sense she's too reflective at the moment in terms of the decision, actions, future impact. Could be all wrong. Maybe she's too smart and went home girl. No idea. She doesn't talk. Her parents didn't know we had separated for 4 months. It took me calling them weeks after I files for them to find out we were getting a divorce. Definitely a weird situation across the board here in my view. Again, trying to provide the details and I'm all for taking responsibility and not coming across like a saint here. Guilty of being neglectful? Sure. Guilty of anything that is just outright mean / abusive? Not a chance. No way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blomax Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Oh yeah, no children. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I'm thinking she probably cheated that night she told you she didn't and is seeing him now on a trial basis. If it works out she'll divorce. If it doesn't she'll come back to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 It does sound like she wants to keep you in a limbo. I think she likes keeping you as a safety net. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 She doesn't want the marriage. A responsible caring wife does not stay the night away like she did. You need to be free of her and move on with your life. It looks like she wants to keep you hanging and hoping. ...when it's dead. Link to post Share on other sites
Tayla Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 believe the actions presented. She is not there. File the divorce, any discovery will be presented to the judge for allocation. You and she have gone the mc route and it did not produce positive reconciliation. Show this to the judge. Normally your counselor will advise as they have heard it all... If your counselor is befuddled... I'd question their professional skills. Most know and are adapt at "knowing" the dynamics and ails of the relationship... Call it professional intuition. Bottom line, you are clinging to a ship that has sunk... its not going to miraculously rejuvenate itself. Be respectful to yourself... you deserve that much. Hold your head up and accept the reality. Link to post Share on other sites
Author blomax Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Thanks for all the advice folks. Much appreciated. I'll reply back and give an update over the course of the next few weeks. I'm heeding much of the advice here. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 My take is that she got bored, took my nagging and internalizes it, and finally just blew her top and was out. The attention issues mean she'll deal with it when she needs to, and I don't get the sense she's too reflective at the moment in terms of the decision, actions, future impact. Could be all wrong. Maybe she's too smart and went home girl. No idea. She doesn't talk. Her parents didn't know we had separated for 4 months. It took me calling them weeks after I files for them to find out we were getting a divorce. Definitely a weird situation across the board here in my view. Much of what you say reminds me of the first relationship I was in some time after my divorce. Very attractive, accomplished in her field, fun to be with but...not one ounce of introspection or the ability to deal with problems. And so when issues occurred, she pretended they didn't exist and ultimately broke it off with me via voicemail. While I wasn't that hurt, it was one of the more befuddling experiences of my life. I can't imagine what it would be like to be married to someone like that and I'd be very tempted to let her be someone else's problem... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
oldshirt Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 All good questions. No physical abuse. No emotional abuse (to my knowledge) --- she didn't say anything in therapy either. No adultry. I am guilty of taking my wife for granted at times? For sure. The past 3 years were tough, both of us were in business school, my dad died, she lost her job. So we drifted, but I was never unhappy and looking back, should have checked in more. What sparked this was her not coming home one night. I asked her to go talk to someone as she was partying a fair bit, and boom --- comes back wants to separate. First I knew how unhappy she was (again, I could have checked in more so I'm guilty there). That night she said she didn't cheat, I have no idea truthfully what happened. I do tend to believe her but know really knows. Didn't seem to be my place to press or hang up on that event when everything else hit. No issues of depression, etc that I know of. My nagging was that I did everything in the house. Cleaning, mail, laundry, taxes, grocery. You name. If I didn't do it, rarely got done. I'm not a high confrontational person, so my nagging is like "hey, can you help me around the house sometime." Its not super pointed, and probably doesn't express how I really feel. Anyway, our marriage counselor has been befuddled as well. That's her word for it. If anything, she thinks theres attention deficit issues as she's too high functioning (school, work) to have other stuff going on y wife definitely has issues expressing feelings, so its why this has been difficult. She just avoids and doesn't communicate. My take is that she got bored, took my nagging and internalizes it, and finally just blew her top and was out. The attention issues mean she'll deal with it when she needs to, and I don't get the sense she's too reflective at the moment in terms of the decision, actions, future impact. Could be all wrong. Maybe she's too smart and went home girl. No idea. She doesn't talk. Her parents didn't know we had separated for 4 months. It took me calling them weeks after I files for them to find out we were getting a divorce. Definitely a weird situation across the board here in my view. Again, trying to provide the details and I'm all for taking responsibility and not coming across like a saint here. Guilty of being neglectful? Sure. Guilty of anything that is just outright mean / abusive? Not a chance. No way. Thanks for answering questions. It's on her. Her choice. If she wanted to be married all she would've had to of done is come home. She kind of walked out of the home and marriage and into a fantasy world if she thought you'd just keep on truckn like it was business as usual. Normally I'd say there is another man involved somewhere and maybe there is. But I'm not sure it really matters either way now. She walked out and left and didn't even bother to close the door behind her. I think it's your job to close it now if you want to live your own life. I know it's not what you wanted for your marriage, but she ended it by just walking away and not looking back. You are fully in the right to pull the plug and move on. And I do agree with the earlier poster that said she may be test driving another man and if that doesn't pan out, she may show up at your door. Don't roll out the red carpet and welcome her with open arms. She did something very egregious here and needs to take accountability. If you welcome her with ticker tape and marching bands, you will have trained her to walk out and live the single life whenever she feels like it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blomax Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 This past week, and coming here, and hearing the thoughts shared has helped me tremendously. It's just been a shocking, and disappointing experience. I have felt such loss (similar to what I went through after my father passed 2 years ago which was incredibly hard). This is perhaps, even harder in some aspects. I've approached the process with a lot of honesty, and compassion. I do want her to be happy. If that is with someone else, then that's OK. It'll hurt. But I'll move on and try to recover. It is impossible to do that when you don't get any clarity or answers. That has been the shocking part, to spend so much time with someone and to wonder how much it mattered --- and if they'll ever go through some self-reflection. Look, divorce happens. I get it. I suppose I'm just really disappointed in the process and how I'm being treated (and perhaps in her eyes I'm deserving of the treatment). Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 As I posted in another thread, at some point the "why" no longer matters, you have to focus on what she's doing. You also need to realize any clarity she might offer you would be colored by her motives and perceptions, selfish though they may be. Someone doesn't give you closure, you get there through your own hard work and emotional recovery. Sounds like you've started on the path... Mr. Lucky 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author blomax Posted October 29, 2015 Author Share Posted October 29, 2015 Thank you. Link to post Share on other sites
Marc878 Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 You've lived in this limbo long enough. Take control of your life. You need to understand that your life is going to be what you make it. No one should live like this. Move on!!!!!! Go dark on her and never look back. There is nothing there. Link to post Share on other sites
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