Haven't spoken to boyfriend in two days

[itsdinaah]

So my boyfriend and I had issues with communication before we started dating (he didn't text or call for days or sometimes weeks). I spoke to him about it and he said he would work on it (to his credit he has gotten significantly better).

 

We've been dating for almost a month now and he's getting distant again. These past few weeks have been busy for him due to religious reasons. However, his communication has gotten worse. I feel like he doesn't include me in his life. It's great when we see each other but when we don't, I'm left wondering where we stand. I understand that he's busy but I already told him I needed him to contact me at least once a day or that was a deal breaker for me. Am I overreacting?

 

He also never follows through on things he promises. Like when he's busy he says "I'll text you later tonight" and he never does. He doesn't ever call me unless I ask him first because he's not a "calling kind of guy."

 

We haven't spoken in two days but he has time to view things I've posted on my social media. I'm just wondering if there's even a point to our relationship anymore.

[hippychick3]

That would not work for me either. You two have vastly different communication styles when you're apart. He may change a little temporarily, but it's unlikely those changes will be significant enough and lasting. I don't understand how two people in a relationship can stay connected and grow closer without some kind of daily communication.

[Eternal Sunshine]

You don't have different communication styles.

 

He is not interested enough to communicate more often.

[Redhead14]

So my boyfriend and I had issues with communication before we started dating (he didn't text or call for days or sometimes weeks). I spoke to him about it and he said he would work on it (to his credit he has gotten significantly better).

 

We've been dating for almost a month now and he's getting distant again. These past few weeks have been busy for him due to religious reasons. However, his communication has gotten worse. I feel like he doesn't include me in his life. It's great when we see each other but when we don't, I'm left wondering where we stand. I understand that he's busy but I already told him I needed him to contact me at least once a day or that was a deal breaker for me. Am I overreacting?

 

He also never follows through on things he promises. Like when he's busy he says "I'll text you later tonight" and he never does. He doesn't ever call me unless I ask him first because he's not a "calling kind of guy."

 

We haven't spoken in two days but he has time to view things I've posted on my social media. I'm just wondering if there's even a point to our relationship anymore.

 

First of all, dating a man for a month, doesn't make him your boyfriend. And, a man who doesn't call you for days or weeks, isn't even good boyfriend material and likely isn't interested in being a boyfriend. That's not even a casual relationship.

 

Did you two ever have a discussion about what each of you was looking for out of your dating experiences? In other words, is he/was he wanting a real relationship with someone at all or does he just want casual?

 

I already told him I needed him to contact me at least once a day or that was a deal breaker for me -- When you explain to someone that there is a dealbreaker for you and what that dealbreaker is, and they don't accommodate you, then you enforce your dealbreaker. You don't keep letting it slide. Either someone wants to meet a need you have or they don't. If you let it slide, they will give you lip service everytime you bring it up again (and view that as nagging) and then go back to their usual ways because there are no consequences and/or they just don't care.

 

Just wait for this guy to contact you again no matter how long that takes. He'll likely fade away or he will call you after some time passes and he starts to wonder what happened to you. And, if he does contact you, you tell him you've moved on and not to bother calling you again.

Edited October 23, 2015 by Redhead14

[itsdinaah]

We've had a relationship talk. I was actually the one who was wary to get in a relationship with him. He saI'd he wanted a relationship and not anything casual like Fwb or an open relationship. We went on dates for a month before we had a talk.

 

He always tells me he's looking for someone he can have everything with.

 

This is the first time he's done this after I told him it was a dealbreaker. I haven't mentioned it more than once.

 

Does the fact that he's busy with his religious duties change anything?

[Redhead14]

We've had a relationship talk. I was actually the one who was wary to get in a relationship with him. He saI'd he wanted a relationship and not anything casual like Fwb or an open relationship. We went on dates for a month before we had a talk.

 

He always tells me he's looking for someone he can have everything with.

 

This is the first time he's done this after I told him it was a dealbreaker. I haven't mentioned it more than once.

 

Does the fact that he's busy with his religious duties change anything?

 

Well, he sure as heck doesn't know how to develop a relationship then . . . If he's so busy with anything as to prevent him from keeping in touch with a woman he's really interested in, he's not going to be able to have a relationship.

 

Two days isn't so bad, but if he goes another couple of days without reaching out to you, I'd move on. He's not putting effort into this.

[itsdinaah]

Well, he sure as heck doesn't know how to develop a relationship then . . . If he's so busy with anything as to prevent him from keeping in touch with a woman he's really interested in, he's not going to be able to have a relationship.

 

Two days isn't so bad, but if he goes another couple of days without reaching out to you, I'd move on. He's not putting effort into this.

 

He's had a lot of girlfriends before and he lived with one for almost a year. I told him if he's this bad at communicating how did he ever have a girlfriend lol.

 

Today is day two so I guess I'll wait. I also haven't seen him for about two weeks :/

[fitnessfan365]

If a woman tried to make it a "requirement" for me to contact her once a day, that's way too high maintenance for me. It's one thing when you want to reach out because you have something meaningful to say or for logistics to finalize plans. But trying to keep a guy on a leash like you're doing is clingy behavior IMO.

 

You say it's great when you spend time in person. So isn't that what matters? I think the real problem is that he has a life outside of you, and you don't have enough going on to occupy yourself. So you're latching onto him. But I will say that something is going on if you haven't seen him for two weeks. Even if you two aren't talking every day (which isn't a huge deal if you're both independent) he should be making plans w/you.

[itsdinaah]

If a woman tried to make it a "requirement" for me to contact her once a day, that's way too high maintenance for me. It's one thing when you want to reach out because you have something meaningful to say or for logistics to finalize plans. But trying to keep a guy on a leash like you're doing is clingy behavior IMO.

 

You say it's great when you spend time in person. So isn't that what matters? I think the real problem is that he has a life outside of you, and you don't have enough going on to occupy yourself. So you're latching onto him. But I will say that something is going on if you haven't seen him for two weeks. Even if you two aren't talking every day (which isn't a huge deal if you're both independent) he should be making plans w/you.

 

I don't think it's too high of a demand. All of my exs have done that. We don't see each other regularly which is why I want contact every day. Not like I'm telling him to text me every minute of the day.

 

Idk I'm just not sure about this relationship.

[fitnessfan365]

I don't think it's too high of a demand. All of my exs have done that. We don't see each other regularly which is why I want contact every day. Not like I'm telling him to text me every minute of the day.

 

Idk I'm just not sure about this relationship.

 

Well as I said, him not trying to actually see you more often is the red flag, not the communication frequency IMO. Personally, I have no desire to date my phone and have never been into daily communication. But I've always showed my interest by staying in a woman's orbit making plans w/her regularly. So if you're going to end it, I'd end it based on you never seeing him. However, isn't this a guy you've only been seeing for a month? If so, then it's not that big of a loss.

[kpl]

OP how old you and your bf, if you don't mind me asking?

[kpl]

OP asking your bf contact you once a day is not clingy. It is really normal. I like a lot of communication and 1x wouldn't be enough to hold my attention. So I don't think 1x a day is bad. I would put this in his court. Let him contact you, chances are he will and then gauge the situation then when he does. See how he reacts to having had to reach out to you first. I wouldn't "nag" him about it, but I wouldn't stop my life for him either. After 1 month he should be missing you when you don't hear from him.

[itsdinaah]

Well as I said, him not trying to actually see you more often is the red flag, not the communication frequency IMO. Personally, I have no desire to date my phone and have never been into daily communication. But I've always showed my interest by staying in a woman's orbit making plans w/her regularly. So if you're going to end it, I'd end it based on you never seeing him. However, isn't this a guy you've only been seeing for a month? If so, then it's not that big of a loss.

 

I think my boyfriend feels the same way about communication as you and for me I need it for my relationships to thrive. I think we have different communication needs as someone said earlier. Yeah I'm going to see what happens over this week. See if anything significant happens.

[itsdinaah]

OP asking your bf contact you once a day is not clingy. It is really normal. I like a lot of communication and 1x wouldn't be enough to hold my attention. So I don't think 1x a day is bad. I would put this in his court. Let him contact you, chances are he will and then gauge the situation then when he does. See how he reacts to having had to reach out to you first. I wouldn't "nag" him about it, but I wouldn't stop my life for him either. After 1 month he should be missing you when you don't hear from him.

 

I'm 21 and he's also 21. He's the first guy I've dated that's my age in a really long time. I also like constant communication but I think once is reasonable. He always comes back with "I miss you" blah, blah, blah. I don't like feeling alone in a relationship.

[katiegrl]

You don't have different communication styles.

 

He is not interested enough to communicate more often.

 

^^This.

 

 

When a guy is into you, he will WANT to call you once a day, you won't need to ask.

 

 

When we're into someone, it's human nature to WANT to talk to them and spend time with them.

 

 

If he's not doing that ON HIS OWN, then he does not want to and no amount of asking, or pleading with him about it is gonna make him WANT to do it.

 

 

He may do it for awhile, but his heart WON'T be into it.

[itsdinaah]

^^This.

 

 

When a guy is into you, he will WANT to call you once a day, you won't need to ask.

 

 

When we're into someone, it's human nature to WANT to talk to them and spend time with them.

 

 

If he's not doing that ON HIS OWN, then he does not want to and no amount of asking, or pleading with him about it is gonna make him WANT to do it.

 

 

He may do it for awhile, but his heart WON'T be into it.

 

This makes me sad but I know it's true. I deserve better. Thank you

[joseb]

If a woman tried to make it a "requirement" for me to contact her once a day, that's way too high maintenance for me. It's one thing when you want to reach out because you have something meaningful to say or for logistics to finalize plans. But trying to keep a guy on a leash like you're doing is clingy behavior IMO.

 

You say it's great when you spend time in person. So isn't that what matters? I think the real problem is that he has a life outside of you, and you don't have enough going on to occupy yourself. So you're latching onto him. But I will say that something is going on if you haven't seen him for two weeks. Even if you two aren't talking every day (which isn't a huge deal if you're both independent) he should be making plans w/you.

 

Yes i agree that not seeing you for so long is the red flag for me.

 

I dont think that daily communication is too much, but if someone started making it a requirement then that would really piss me off, even though chances are i would probably contact daily generally (or she would).

As ff says, i dont want to date my phone.

 

Not seeing you for two weeks is out of order though unless he is overseas or something. What are these religious obligations of his?

[fitnessfan365]

I dont think that daily communication is too much, but if someone started making it a requirement then that would really piss me off, even though chances are i would probably contact daily generally (or she would).

As ff says, i dont want to date my phone.

 

Exactly. She's never gave him a chance to work up to wanting to talk to her daily. She basically told him from the get go that it's a requirement he contact her at least once a day and if he doesn't, it's a deal breaker.

 

When two people are in a relationship, it should be based on things you want to do. Not things someone tries to force you to do.

 

^^This.

 

 

When a guy is into you, he will WANT to call you once a day, you won't need to ask.

 

 

When we're into someone, it's human nature to WANT to talk to them and spend time with them.

 

 

If he's not doing that ON HIS OWN, then he does not want to and no amount of asking, or pleading with him about it is gonna make him WANT to do it.

 

 

He may do it for awhile, but his heart WON'T be into it.

 

This is actually a really good post from Katie. Based on the preface of a guy WANTING to do something of his own volition I agree with her. Even though I've never usually been a fan of daily communication, I do love talking to my current GF daily. But this developed naturally over time based on the two of us wanting to. It was never a requirement that she tried to force me into. If she'd told me from the get go that I had to contact her daily as a requirement of dating her, that would rub me the wrong way. There's a difference between someone wanting to, and someone being forced into it.

Edited October 23, 2015 by fitnessfan365

[KatZee]

I think you should be with someone who wants to communicate more with you.

 

You've stated your needs, he is not filling them. This means you are not fundamentally compatible.

 

The way he's going about this "relationship" is very immature. He's acting like he's the only one involved, and that's not the way a "couple" works. A couple is made up of two people, not just one making everything revolve around him, his life, his goals, dreams, wants, needs, plans, etc.

 

Being in a relationship takes compromise, it's not just one person taking, taking, taking, and giving nothing back.

 

You're not just his lackey going along for the ride, you're an actual human being with your own needs and wants. He's clearly unconcerned with providing those to you.

 

Free yourself to be open to the RIGHT guy, he is not it.

[itsdinaah]

So we broke up today. He finally contacted me after I posted something passive aggressive online. He was going through a rough patch this week and some really awful things happened to him this week. I asked him how was I supposed to know that if he never told me and this wasn't the first time hes ignored me.

 

I told him relationships are about sharing when you're going through a hard time, not shutting the other person out. I also told him that I couldn't be his girlfriend until he understood the importance of communication.

 

I offered him friendship but I don't think I can be friends with him.

[MovingOnIsHard]

So we broke up today. He finally contacted me after I posted something passive aggressive online. He was going through a rough patch this week and some really awful things happened to him this week. I asked him how was I supposed to know that if he never told me and this wasn't the first time hes ignored me.

 

I told him relationships are about sharing when you're going through a hard time, not shutting the other person out. I also told him that I couldn't be his girlfriend until he understood the importance of communication.

 

I offered him friendship but I don't think I can be friends with him.

 

Dont bother being friends with him. Even friends communicate with each other on a regular basis. You dont have to be friends with every guy u dated. Sometimes walking away is healthier.

[itsdinaah]

Dont bother being friends with him. Even friends communicate with each other on a regular basis. You dont have to be friends with every guy u dated. Sometimes walking away is healthier.

 

Yeah I can't be friends with him after finding out how little he values me. Just sucks that we were friends for almost a year before dating.

[thecrucible]

So we broke up today. He finally contacted me after I posted something passive aggressive online. He was going through a rough patch this week and some really awful things happened to him this week. I asked him how was I supposed to know that if he never told me and this wasn't the first time hes ignored me.

 

I told him relationships are about sharing when you're going through a hard time, not shutting the other person out. I also told him that I couldn't be his girlfriend until he understood the importance of communication.

 

I offered him friendship but I don't think I can be friends with him.

 

Good on you. It's really frustratingly immature when your partner in a relationship expects you be psychic and shuts down as a game just to get you to come to them, even though they could just tell you what's up. However that could not be the case also. Sometimes certain people like to deal with problems by shutting themselves a way (I know I do that). But yeah I agree with you. Your needs weren't being met and there's no sense in being miserable in a relationship. There are great things ahead for you.

 

Also to comment on another part of this thread, I don't think it's too heavy a requirement to communicate every day. Even if it's just a text to say "goodnight", it only takes a few seconds and lets the person know you are thinking of them. But if it begins to feel like a chore, then it doesn't feel very good.

[itsdinaah]

One thing I don't understand about asksing him to contact me at least once a day (unless he was busy with something) is that he didn't have to get in a relationship with me. If this was too much for him he should have left. I tried to nag him about and encourage him to contact me more like saying things like "I love hearing from you", etc. And I explained why I wanted to hear from him at least once a day and why it was important to me in a relationship.

 

I guess in the end he has issues that he needs to deal with. The thing though, I'm just scared he'll text me in a few days or a week.

 

When we were friends I used to like him and I told him that it was too hard to be friends with him and I would contact him when I was ready to talk to him but he texted me like a week later.

Edited October 24, 2015 by itsdinaah
Adding more details

[Eighty_nine]

If a woman tried to make it a "requirement" for me to contact her once a day, that's way too high maintenance for me. It's one thing when you want to reach out because you have something meaningful to say or for logistics to finalize plans. But trying to keep a guy on a leash like you're doing is clingy behavior IMO.

 

You say it's great when you spend time in person. So isn't that what matters? I think the real problem is that he has a life outside of you, and you don't have enough going on to occupy yourself. So you're latching onto him. But I will say that something is going on if you haven't seen him for two weeks. Even if you two aren't talking every day (which isn't a huge deal if you're both independent) he should be making plans w/you.

 

Keeping him on a leash because she'd like to stay connected to him by texting once a day?! Hardly. Her expectations are totally normal. And she says they're together officially, not just dating. He definitely should be contacting you more, OP.