Struggling

[Sunburst]

Hello everyone,

 

I've sent a few posts here and done a lot of reading. Now I feel I need an advice very badly. Or at least some comforting.

I will put my story in the shortest way I can. I have an exMM. We fell in love starting as friends, soon after we told each other about how we feel he left his family. I was struggling very badly with the fact it all happened for me, though they had problems for years and everyone around knew about it. I asked for time to get over everything, cause he didn't let any dust settle or deal with any break-up issues. I was in love and scared to death it all could be true. I was coming to terms we will get through this together. Everyone in his family knew about me from the first day. He was the nicest person I've ever known, I felt my life had a direction it was lacking, real love and happiness.

Suddenly he decided to go back to check if it's really over. He turned cold in one day. I felt like I was ripped apart completely. After some time we started seeing each other again and he left to be with me again and my hopes went up. Said now it is over completely. His whole family informed, I met some of them too.

In a blink of an eye it all fell apart again, he couldn't deal with the hurt he's caused. Said he loved his wife and kids. Treated me as if I was a random person. I don't know how I survived that, I felt my heart literally stopped beating, I felt sick and dead. I felt like I was in a false reality, played by a psycho, who can love you on tuesday and not even give you a glimpse on wednesday.

Two weeks go by and he changes his mind. Bit by bit we start talking and get close again. I agree to see him, he promises this time he will do it right, just don't know how. Yes, I got my heart broken again. One day I was just told he won't do a thing and I knew that.

After all of this he still wanted to keep in touch. Made me feel as if I'm finishing it. Made me feel as if I cannot understand anything, because he has a wife. Made me feel as if I'm not letting him help me and stay in my life (in case something goes wrong). Every time I would finish it he would attack me and tell me how he will fix things at home and how I don't get it. Made me feel like I've imagined everything and he just went to live his happy life. I was left with absolutely nothing, no job, no health, no hope, no place to go to feel alive.

On top of it... His wife constantly contacted me asking for answers. She knows he left for me, but he lied to her to go back to his old life. Pretended nothing happened. I didn't say a thing by his request. I thought I cannot tell and be a bad person. I thought I have to leave it to them. But it's haunting me. Sometimes I feel I carry this on my shoulders and I cannot take it anymore. I'm the one left stabbed and bleeding after treating everyone with consideration and kindness. I took all this weight on me.

Please advise me how to stop hurting. Please tell me how to stop thinking about their life. How do I forget I haven't told her the truth, so he can live like he used to? What about me? How do I go on? I feel so damaged I cannot see myself healing ever and it scares me so badly. I've decided to start taking antidepressants to stop my mind going round.

[Patrice]

I would block both of them. Do not keep in contact with him, as he will keep doing this until he decides what he wants. Your first priority right now, is this.

WHY are you letting this person dictate your happiness and your life? I was in a push/pull relationship several years ago. He STILL tries to contact me. I have not seen him in over 4 years. He senses I am moving on with my life, and tries to string me back in. The distrust alone, at this point is unbearable.

Like most women here, I am a kind and good person. He is miserable with his life but, evidently not miserable enough to do what he needs to do. His new message is, that he needs me to save him. I cannot save him or take any responsibility for the choices he has made about his life.

[privategal]

If their life was so happy he wouldn't have needed a mistress and left her twice. This is a cake eater, a fence sitter, he chose the less of two evils as far as the guilt HE would have to carry and thought of himself first and what would be easier for him. He hopes and prays you forgive him.

DONT.

Make no mistake his happiness is an illusion and even if he had stayed with you and gone back to her...he would've needed a long time out with you to sort himself and let the dust settle and go to IC and you never would've trusted him or felt secure.

I think down the road you will see he did you a favor and now she is STUCk with him and you are FREE to move on.

You will need to heal first and your still clearly in the fog otherwise you would be celebrating. The holidays are coming, you can get your spirits up through the joy of the season, maybe donate some toys or volunteer and make your heart feel better. Trust me you are better off but it might take some time to recognize that. Hugs!

[bathtub-row]

The truth is, he is a psycho and you'd be nuts to ever let him into your life again. Do yourself a favor and stop torturing about his idiotic marriage. His marriage is a joke. He knows it and his wife knows it.

 

But the way he treated you was inexcusable and you would do well to develop some serious boundaries and never let him hurt you again. What he did to you was horrible and there's no reason on earth why you should take the blame for it, nor should you be little Ms Understanding about it. Anytime anyone hurts you to this degree, they don't deserve any more chances. I hope you'll keep that in mind. Your feelings of love toward him have nothing to do with it. Love is not a reason to be abused.

[Bufo]

You need to stay in touch with this guy about as much as the ocean needs more water. He communicates for his own interests--keeping you in the mix as a Plan B alternative in case his wife wises up and kicks him out.

 

I don't know how old you are or how many times you've been in dead end relationships before, but it's time to recognize the classic cake eater who cannot stand the thought of being without an adoring woman. Don't facilitate that role. There's nothing in it for you except future heartbreak when--assuming you two end up together without current wife in the picture--he decides the grass is greener elsewhere.

 

Face it. Affairs are easy in one respect. Neither affair partner has to deal with kids, bills, illnesses, chores, fights about which family gets to see you for which holiday and the myriad of other obstacles to marital bliss. And IMHO that's a major reason for the "grass is greener" syndrome so many MM fall for.

 

Way back when, JFK popularized a Chinese saying: a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Take that step for you now and cut him off from your life. Focusing on him means you'll miss other opportunities. He's not worth it.

[Mount]

I don't understand why you don't focus on your life, were you 100% dependent on him for daily living?

 

Especially you were knowing well he was back and forth, you should have treated his words 30-40% authentic then continue on your normal life as usual.

 

Why did you put 100% of you into his "words"? I do not understand.

 

Hello everyone,

 

I've sent a few posts here and done a lot of reading. Now I feel I need an advice very badly. Or at least some comforting.

I will put my story in the shortest way I can. I have an exMM. We fell in love starting as friends, soon after we told each other about how we feel he left his family. I was struggling very badly with the fact it all happened for me, though they had problems for years and everyone around knew about it. I asked for time to get over everything, cause he didn't let any dust settle or deal with any break-up issues. I was in love and scared to death it all could be true. I was coming to terms we will get through this together. Everyone in his family knew about me from the first day. He was the nicest person I've ever known, I felt my life had a direction it was lacking, real love and happiness.

Suddenly he decided to go back to check if it's really over. He turned cold in one day. I felt like I was ripped apart completely. After some time we started seeing each other again and he left to be with me again and my hopes went up. Said now it is over completely. His whole family informed, I met some of them too.

In a blink of an eye it all fell apart again, he couldn't deal with the hurt he's caused. Said he loved his wife and kids. Treated me as if I was a random person. I don't know how I survived that, I felt my heart literally stopped beating, I felt sick and dead. I felt like I was in a false reality, played by a psycho, who can love you on tuesday and not even give you a glimpse on wednesday.

Two weeks go by and he changes his mind. Bit by bit we start talking and get close again. I agree to see him, he promises this time he will do it right, just don't know how. Yes, I got my heart broken again. One day I was just told he won't do a thing and I knew that.

After all of this he still wanted to keep in touch. Made me feel as if I'm finishing it. Made me feel as if I cannot understand anything, because he has a wife. Made me feel as if I'm not letting him help me and stay in my life (in case something goes wrong). Every time I would finish it he would attack me and tell me how he will fix things at home and how I don't get it. Made me feel like I've imagined everything and he just went to live his happy life. I was left with absolutely nothing, no job, no health, no hope, no place to go to feel alive.

On top of it... His wife constantly contacted me asking for answers. She knows he left for me, but he lied to her to go back to his old life. Pretended nothing happened. I didn't say a thing by his request. I thought I cannot tell and be a bad person. I thought I have to leave it to them. But it's haunting me. Sometimes I feel I carry this on my shoulders and I cannot take it anymore. I'm the one left stabbed and bleeding after treating everyone with consideration and kindness. I took all this weight on me.

Please advise me how to stop hurting. Please tell me how to stop thinking about their life. How do I forget I haven't told her the truth, so he can live like he used to? What about me? How do I go on? I feel so damaged I cannot see myself healing ever and it scares me so badly. I've decided to start taking antidepressants to stop my mind going round.

[anika99]

Hello everyone,

 

I've sent a few posts here and done a lot of reading. Now I feel I need an advice very badly. Or at least some comforting.

I will put my story in the shortest way I can. I have an exMM. We fell in love starting as friends, soon after we told each other about how we feel he left his family. I was struggling very badly with the fact it all happened for me, though they had problems for years and everyone around knew about it. I asked for time to get over everything, cause he didn't let any dust settle or deal with any break-up issues. I was in love and scared to death it all could be true. I was coming to terms we will get through this together. Everyone in his family knew about me from the first day. He was the nicest person I've ever known, I felt my life had a direction it was lacking, real love and happiness.

Suddenly he decided to go back to check if it's really over. He turned cold in one day. I felt like I was ripped apart completely. After some time we started seeing each other again and he left to be with me again and my hopes went up. Said now it is over completely. His whole family informed, I met some of them too.

In a blink of an eye it all fell apart again, he couldn't deal with the hurt he's caused. Said he loved his wife and kids. Treated me as if I was a random person. I don't know how I survived that, I felt my heart literally stopped beating, I felt sick and dead. I felt like I was in a false reality, played by a psycho, who can love you on tuesday and not even give you a glimpse on wednesday.

Two weeks go by and he changes his mind. Bit by bit we start talking and get close again. I agree to see him, he promises this time he will do it right, just don't know how. Yes, I got my heart broken again. One day I was just told he won't do a thing and I knew that.

After all of this he still wanted to keep in touch. Made me feel as if I'm finishing it. Made me feel as if I cannot understand anything, because he has a wife. Made me feel as if I'm not letting him help me and stay in my life (in case something goes wrong). Every time I would finish it he would attack me and tell me how he will fix things at home and how I don't get it. Made me feel like I've imagined everything and he just went to live his happy life. I was left with absolutely nothing, no job, no health, no hope, no place to go to feel alive.

On top of it... His wife constantly contacted me asking for answers. She knows he left for me, but he lied to her to go back to his old life. Pretended nothing happened. I didn't say a thing by his request. I thought I cannot tell and be a bad person. I thought I have to leave it to them. But it's haunting me. Sometimes I feel I carry this on my shoulders and I cannot take it anymore. I'm the one left stabbed and bleeding after treating everyone with consideration and kindness. I took all this weight on me.

Please advise me how to stop hurting. Please tell me how to stop thinking about their life. How do I forget I haven't told her the truth, so he can live like he used to? What about me? How do I go on? I feel so damaged I cannot see myself healing ever and it scares me so badly. I've decided to start taking antidepressants to stop my mind going round.

 

I think sometimes it helps to be honest with ourselves about who we are and to take responsibility for our choices. I know you are hurting and I'm sorry but speaking honestly, you did not treat everyone with kindness and consideration. The pain you are feeling is the pain he left his wife and kids in every time he left them. You didn't mind him causing pain to his wife, you thought he was fabulous as long as you weren't the one being hurt. I've never been able to understand how come the OW sees the MM as prince charming while he's lying and cheating and hurting his wife and kids but then suddenly he is psycho when he treats the OW the same way.

 

You assisted him in damaging his family and you were okay with that. You might be a very nice person but when you desire to break up a family that does not come from a place of kindness and consideration. I say this because I think you need to realize that you made the choice to become romantically involved with a married man and you made the choice to risk all this pain being felt by both you and his wife. I have empathy for your pain but I don't see you as an innocent helpless victim and I think sometimes the way to finding our own power is by accepting responsibility for our own destructive choices.

 

All that being said, this is a very toxic man. He is likely the cause of the problems in his marriage and he would only bring the same problems to you. He is no prize and once enough time has passed you will see that. Right now you just have to go through the pain because there is no shortcuts through heartbreak. You can prolong it though, if you continue to speak with him and entertain the idea of starting up with him all over again. Stop talking to him, stop listening to his empty promises and start focusing on your own life. Waiting on a man to make you happy is a recipe for disaster. Start on your own self improvement journey. Get a job, take up a hobby, meet new people. Whatever it is that you feel is missing in your life.

[Sunburst]

He is miserable with his life but, evidently not miserable enough to do what he needs to do. His new message is, that he needs me to save him.

 

This. When he went back for the first time and was miserable he told me I knew he's asked me not to let him go there. In his mind I had to save him, but I didn't trust my feelings because of his ''I cannot be alone'' attitude. He wanted me to fix it all and he thought you can transition from one relationship to another without feeling any heartache if it's right.

[Sunburst]

If their life was so happy he wouldn't have needed a mistress and left her twice. This is a cake eater, a fence sitter, he chose the less of two evils as far as the guilt HE would have to carry and thought of himself first and what would be easier for him.

I think down the road you will see he did you a favor and now she is STUCk with him and you are FREE to move on.

You will need to heal first and your still clearly in the fog otherwise you would be celebrating.

 

He has told me himself he chose what was easier and tries not to compare and just go with the easier route.

I am still in the fog, I recognise I am. It's hard to let go of the idea I had of him and the image he made out of himself. The perfect man image. I still blame myself like I made a mistake somewhere and lost my chance. Yes it sounds crazy stupid. But it was the first time in my life I felt I wanted it all with someone. It wasn't a sudden feeling, it grew over a long time.

I do realise after all he's done I'm probably just wishing for the real thing and the fear makes me build this everything would've been fine with him fog. Everything you say is very true.

I have to think of something to do over holidays, so I wouldn't end up sitting home crying. I am trying to break the cycle, constantly thinking about how I should give my energy to someone who needs it, not someone who couldn't care less.

[Sunburst]

The truth is, he is a psycho and you'd be nuts to ever let him into your life again. Do yourself a favor and stop torturing about his idiotic marriage. His marriage is a joke. He knows it and his wife knows it.

 

But the way he treated you was inexcusable and you would do well to develop some serious boundaries and never let him hurt you again. What he did to you was horrible and there's no reason on earth why you should take the blame for it, nor should you be little Ms Understanding about it. Anytime anyone hurts you to this degree, they don't deserve any more chances. I hope you'll keep that in mind. Your feelings of love toward him have nothing to do with it. Love is not a reason to be abused.

 

At first I was just hurting, now I am starting to have feelings of disgust and disappointment quite often. Especially for him staying and not telling the truth. He would twist things and make me believe he is perfect and he's there because of how good he is and he's never lied before. That I am wrong for even feeling the thing he's doing is not ok. That he went back and because he decided so my feelings are invalid, though when he wants to and changes his mind it's all ok again.

It all comes to me not understanding what kind of right thing he's doing. And I'm so tired of it. I want to scream there's no way on earth to understand his games. He wants to come out as a good guy at any cost. I wanted to forgive to be free. Just to let go and be free. But it is very hard, cause I want it to be completely true, not pretending.

[Sunburst]

You need to stay in touch with this guy about as much as the ocean needs more water. He communicates for his own interests--keeping you in the mix as a Plan B alternative in case his wife wises up and kicks him out.

 

I don't know how old you are or how many times you've been in dead end relationships before, but it's time to recognize the classic cake eater who cannot stand the thought of being without an adoring woman.

 

Face it. Affairs are easy in one respect. Neither affair partner has to deal with kids, bills, illnesses, chores, fights about which family gets to see you for which holiday and the myriad of other obstacles to marital bliss. And IMHO that's a major reason for the "grass is greener" syndrome so many MM fall for.

 

I had a dead end relationship and realised I cannot stay out of habit. It was very hard to leave anyway. I know what bills and chores are and holidays apart from my family etc., but if there's closeness between people I would never consider it a problem, it's just natural everyday life. There's no way it would make me look for someone. I was loyal even when I shouldn't have been any more. He wanted very much to keep me as a plan B. When he left he was still keeping his wife as a plan B for some time too out of fear to let go.

The thing is he was an incredibly loyal man for many many years. He's not a cake eater. Always doing what he's been told to do, never allowed to even look at other women and he didn't. Never allowed to even comment about women on TV or talk about work colleagues or get a better job if there are women he needs to interact with. Not allowed to go out with friends or dress nice for work otherwise facing days of silence after. Facing anger bursts and blaming out of blue. He was a family man sacrificing his interests and self respect for everyone. I think he's used to being abused constantly. For the first time ever he changed and said no. Maybe he just couldn't live without his old ways and control after so many years. Have I made him a cake eater? It would be easier if was one, but he was a completely different kind of man, the reason I felt close to him and never imagined he would have feelings for me.

[Sunburst]

I don't understand why you don't focus on your life, were you 100% dependent on him for daily living?

 

Especially you were knowing well he was back and forth, you should have treated his words 30-40% authentic then continue on your normal life as usual.

 

Why did you put 100% of you into his "words"? I do not understand.

 

I was strong and independent at first. I was very very cautious and kept my distance as I never imagined loving a married person. It was a shock it was happening. I also never imagined he would leave so sudden. Slowly I started to depend on his feelings for me and trusted him completely. I trusted his decision. I trusted the way he was as a person. When I finally gave in and believed he can be the one I could have my life with it turned out to be a curse.

[Sunburst]

I think sometimes it helps to be honest with ourselves about who we are and to take responsibility for our choices. I know you are hurting and I'm sorry but speaking honestly, you did not treat everyone with kindness and consideration. The pain you are feeling is the pain he left his wife and kids in every time he left them. You didn't mind him causing pain to his wife, you thought he was fabulous as long as you weren't the one being hurt. I've never been able to understand how come the OW sees the MM as prince charming while he's lying and cheating and hurting his wife and kids but then suddenly he is psycho when he treats the OW the same way.

 

You assisted him in damaging his family and you were okay with that. You might be a very nice person but when you desire to break up a family that does not come from a place of kindness and consideration. I say this because I think you need to realize that you made the choice to become romantically involved with a married man and you made the choice to risk all this pain being felt by both you and his wife. I have empathy for your pain but I don't see you as an innocent helpless victim and I think sometimes the way to finding our own power is by accepting responsibility for our own destructive choices.

 

All that being said, this is a very toxic man. He is likely the cause of the problems in his marriage and he would only bring the same problems to you. He is no prize and once enough time has passed you will see that. Right now you just have to go through the pain because there is no shortcuts through heartbreak. You can prolong it though, if you continue to speak with him and entertain the idea of starting up with him all over again. Stop talking to him, stop listening to his empty promises and start focusing on your own life. Waiting on a man to make you happy is a recipe for disaster. Start on your own self improvement journey. Get a job, take up a hobby, meet new people. Whatever it is that you feel is missing in your life.

 

I understand your point, but he didn't cheat and he left before anything serious happened between us. I never showed a single sign of my feelings out of respect of his situation. I never pushed him. At first he said he would not go back even if I'm not with him. When he left I asked for ten times is he sure he can do it. I didn't jump in, I was feeling guilty and lost. I nearly told him to go and just stay. Of course in the perfect situation I should've told him I have no feelings for him, but that wasn't true. I'm human. Many people have even told me I sacrifice too much for others.

They had serious problems before for years. I was the last drop I think. Yes you can blame me for this, I should've run away. I felt horrible it happened and when it happened I came to peace with myself that divorce is a part of this world and sometimes people make bad choices marrying someone. But he has a right to do what he wants and it was a risk.

Thank you for your advice I know I will have to build my life from scratch, I just wish I could feel like myself again.

[Lois_Griffin]

I think he sought you out and wanted you to be his exit affair.

 

He didn't have the cajones to man up and admit his marriage wasn't working, and instead, chose to have an exit affair so he'd have a 'reason' to leave his wife.

 

It's a cowardly - yet fairly common - thing some married people do. Having someone waiting on the other side for them gives them the incentive to finally do what they didn't have he guts to do before.

 

But because he didn't leave the RIGHT way, he went running back to what was familiar to him.

 

I'm truly amazed you even gave this coward a SECOND chance after he screwed you over so badly the first time. And I certainly don't understand your loyalty to this snake and lying to his wife for him so he could run back home AGAIN like the sniveling little coward he is.

 

Where the hell is your ANGER? Once you find that, you'll be amazed at how much control you finally start to have. Wallowing in self-pity because you allowed this con man to screw you over multiple times is sadly, no one's fault but your own.