katielee Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) I've been feeling a bit unconsidered lately, and I talked to my IC about it. See, two weeks ago we went to visit his family and they simply made the arrangements about where we would stay when I thought we should do that. But, that's how his one sister is and my IC encouraged me to be '"part of the planning" and that it's not controlling of me to ask. So, SIL and her DD wanted to visit us at our lake home this weekend. Hubby wisely asked me the best time and I said I'd like some time to ourselves Friday night and they should come SAturday morning. So, that was ok and here we are an hour before we leave and hubby tells me his Mom is coming with the SIL. So, that means, after I already went grocery sh opping, more meal planning, different things to do, etc (more vodka for me). I wanted to wait until all our renovations were done before she came down. I'm actually embarrassed by how primitive it is and it's a MIL/DIL issue. His sister just decides these things herself, not having a clue, and it makes me furious. Hubby wants to see his mom and keep the peace. I get it. His dad died in April. So, if I say anything about it I will be the bitch. Last weekend I was downtown with my friends and I get a text from hubby - BIL left at 4 pm to come down to see us. He'll be here at 11 tonight. I told hubby I was going to throw the phone. Who does this? Let's ppl know hours in advance of an overnight visit? WTH? I will say something to his sister, I know hubby won't nor will he want ME to but I cannot have resentment build up. But, what the heck would the rest of you do? Edited October 23, 2015 by katielee another sentence Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) I'd say "Well, my pushy in-laws strike again" and let it go. You made your wishes known, so did the husband, they showed up anyway. If they wanted food, I'd have just said "we weren't expecting you until tomorrow so I don't have a lot of food ready. You guys are on your own for dinner and sorry about the mess." If they are in a twist over it, I'd say again "Didn't know you were coming, didn't have time to clean up." As for her setting up the accommodations on a trip, if she's paying and you don't have special requirements (fridge for meds, easy access for disability, non-smoking room, whatever), again... Not worth getting in a crank about. If you're paying, cancel the arraignments and book your own. Who comes down to visit with only a few hours notice? Family. All part of the experience, Clark. My rule of thumb with mine is "you show up without telling me, I'm not responsible for anything you see or the state of the house." Edited October 23, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 I just would never do this... He just called and I told him I was mortally embarrassed by the downstairs bathroom and that I have the katielee code - high standards when ppl visit me (like home cooked meals and very clean) and with short notice I can't meet those standards and I get frustrated. He understood. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) I think the better thing to do would be relax your standards a bit than alienate your husband's family or worse, make him confront his family in a battle that seems very much like picking sides... His wife or his family. Those battles never turn out well. You're a person and you live in a house. If they want hotel standards then direct them to a hotel. If they want a gourmet meal, they can find a restaurant and get it themselves. But flipping out on your husband for the not really unrealistic expectation of being able to blow by one's family's house without waiting for a formal invite/announcement days ahead of time seems a bit much. I mean really, several hours notice they're coming isn't really unrealistic or like they're springing it on you. Do you have kids? Edited October 23, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 23, 2015 Author Share Posted October 23, 2015 I disagree red. Would be ok but this is the third weekend in a row. I have 4 kids, although we are empty nesters. I will not be getting mad at hubby. I WILL be thinking they are very inconsiderate Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 (edited) I disagree red. Would be ok but this is the third weekend in a row. I have 4 kids, although we are empty nesters. I will not be getting mad at hubby. I WILL be thinking they are very inconsiderate If the issue is that they're coming all together, then that's something to be addressed. Have your husband say that you need family time, that the weekend is already spoken for, or whatever. If you don't care that they're coming, just that they don't give you enough head notice so that you can have the house shaped up and a home-cooked meal on the table, then I say that's something you need to relax on. A few hours notice before close family drop by isn't rude or ungracious. It gives you time to clean up if you feel you have to, or it gives you a chance to say "no." I think on that, you may be a bit overzealous on your expectations. And telling your husband you're going to throw the phone... That's yelling at your husband for the behavior of his family. Can't do that stuff. I get the Type A personality that wants everything perfect and wonderful. Story of my life. But if you were told at 4pm that he was coming at 11pm, that's 7 hours notice. That's more than a decent amount. Tell him where the spare key is and where he's sleeping or leave your husband to deal with it and go about your life. It's not the violation of the century to show up at a close relative's house with 7 hours notice. Edited October 23, 2015 by Redheaded Mistress Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Personally, I'd hate short notice overnight guests and worse would be if it wasn't discussed with my SO first. Some exceptions would be the kids. However, I rarely have that problem. If I did, it would be addressed with my SO so that we would agree on it, whatever the visit is. If it didn't work out, I'd say you can't come until..... Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Yea, I know these types of people - if you had done this to them you can bet they'd be scorching your ass on an open fire. My advice is to just take an extra valium and not say too much - just remember in the fullness of time, most of these people, specially if they are older like the MIL, will be dead and out of your hair. You probably can't see this right now, but there will come a time when you will actually miss these types of things... Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 It is too late to do anything about it now. For future visits....let them know your rules....and what you expect before they come. If you can't do that....suck it up and do the best you can...they only stay a couple of days. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 I think you are up tight. I always enjoy family and friends visiting. Not enough food? There are many easy and fast ways to stretch what you have. And, they are not visiting too see the food. Clean house? Your house should always be clean. Does not take much to tidy up the bathroom, clean out the sink and empty the drain board before they get there. Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Well, it sounds as though YOU'RE the one stuck doing all the work for these last minute guests. I notice that YOU'RE the one who did the food shopping, the meal planning and everything else. Your husband likes to appear to everyone as the gracious host of the fabulous lake house while you're reduced to being the scullery maid and cook. Make your lazy ass husband do all the work instead. Then we'll see how many last minute guests he happily takes on. It's no sweat off his back since he's doing NOTHING. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 I think you are up tight. I always enjoy family and friends visiting. Not enough food? There are many easy and fast ways to stretch what you have. And, they are not visiting too see the food. Clean house? Your house should always be clean. Does not take much to tidy up the bathroom, clean out the sink and empty the drain board before they get there. How can my house always be clean if i don't live there full time? Hubby is helping. Link to post Share on other sites
Mrs. John Adams Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Remind yourself that they are coming to see YOU...not your house...You have described a beautiful lake house with a wonderful view. Make them feel welcome to enjoy the peace and tranquility....RIGHT ALONG WITH YOU. You are not there to serve anyone. Make it as easy as you can on yourself. Sandwiches and chips and veggie trays...donuts and pastries... can be picked up at a local grocery store. Set the food out and let everyone help themselves. It really does not have to be complicated and stressful. Enjoy them 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 Currently cleaning toilet. We have a renter here monday through Thursday. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 24, 2015 Author Share Posted October 24, 2015 It will be ok. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 Me personally, I would ignore it because they'll get bored of visiting once they see the new stuff, and then it'll be over. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 24, 2015 Share Posted October 24, 2015 I would let hubby know that he can handle the cleaning, shopping, cooking, bedlinens, and towels, and also MC the entertainment of/socializing with his family members so you can relax. If he starts looking frazzled, offer to "help" him but do the bare minimum and don't make it too easy for him! May sound a little passive-aggressive, but it may also be a learning experience for you as you observe another style of family visit....the casual, catch-as-catch-can approach. It's as valid as yours. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 How can my house always be clean if i don't live there full time? Hubby is helping. Can't get dirty then if people are not there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 Road- we have a renter there Monday through Thursday Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 So everything went ok for 24 hours. I can handle that. But the little girl, 9, brought 60 stuffed animals strewn all over the house, cried for an hour because Her mom forgot her favorite one at home, tooted her fart gun at the supper table and insisted we watch monsters university. Hubby and I did not raise our kids that way. My sister does the same thing. It is sick. So while 24 hours of this frustrated me, an entire week of this would be impossible. And They said they'll want to come down next Summer. When I mentioned a couple things hubby was dismissive. I'm just gonna tell him 24 hours is all I can take and we'll have to make other arrangements next summer. Many of you kniw this lake house is my place of peace, for various reasons. I'd like to keep it that way. They loved the place, I was a gracious hostess. But they get one day of that. Mind you, it has never been done for me. MIL is an OCD hoarder and she had never invited me to Her house or had us for a meal or a holiday. I guess I'm a bitch about it. I just WAnt to be appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 So everything went ok for 24 hours. I can handle that. But the little girl, 9, brought 60 stuffed animals strewn all over the house, cried for an hour because Her mom forgot her favorite one at home, tooted her fart gun at the supper table and insisted we watch monsters university. Hubby and I did not raise our kids that way. My sister does the same thing. It is sick. So while 24 hours of this frustrated me, an entire week of this would be impossible. And They said they'll want to come down next Summer. When I mentioned a couple things hubby was dismissive. I'm just gonna tell him 24 hours is all I can take and we'll have to make other arrangements next summer. Many of you kniw this lake house is my place of peace, for various reasons. I'd like to keep it that way. They loved the place, I was a gracious hostess. But they get one day of that. Mind you, it has never been done for me. MIL is an OCD hoarder and she had never invited me to Her house or had us for a meal or a holiday. I guess I'm a bitch about it. I just WAnt to be appreciated. Ha, sounds like my kids Your H needs to support you. It's his job to enforce boundaries with his family. If he won't, the problem is him--not them. It's reasonable for you to want to enjoy your lake house in peace. Are there typically family holidays where everyone gets together? Can you suggest spending those at the lake house as a sort of compromise? I can understand him wanting to host his family sometimes, but certainly not times that are supposed to be just the two of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author katielee Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 We never get together for holidays. They live 350 miles away, we're on the upper Midwest, and we reserve that time for our kids. I would be open to him hosting without me. I need to go home to my parents(Alaska) sometime next summer. Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Is there a chance he's allowing them to come up to keep from spending one-on-one time with you? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 We never get together for holidays. They live 350 miles away, we're on the upper Midwest, and we reserve that time for our kids. I would be open to him hosting without me. I need to go home to my parents(Alaska) sometime next summer. Ok, brainstorm stuff like that. Do you never get together with his family at all? If you do have a yearly get together, is there a reason you can't have it at the lake house? And if you don't have a yearly get together, it's not unreasonable that he'd want to host one! One. Link to post Share on other sites
Poutrew Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 So everything went ok for 24 hours. I can handle that. But the little girl, 9, brought 60 stuffed animals strewn all over the house, cried for an hour because Her mom forgot her favorite one at home, tooted her fart gun at the supper table and insisted we watch monsters university. Hubby and I did not raise our kids that way. My sister does the same thing. It is sick. So while 24 hours of this frustrated me, an entire week of this would be impossible. And They said they'll want to come down next Summer. When I mentioned a couple things hubby was dismissive. I'm just gonna tell him 24 hours is all I can take and we'll have to make other arrangements next summer. Many of you kniw this lake house is my place of peace, for various reasons. I'd like to keep it that way. They loved the place, I was a gracious hostess. But they get one day of that. Mind you, it has never been done for me. MIL is an OCD hoarder and she had never invited me to Her house or had us for a meal or a holiday. I guess I'm a bitch about it. I just WAnt to be appreciated. Ummm...Katielee...do you really want to spend time at the kind of house you just described? Really? My childhood friend's parents were just like these people, well, maybe the term today would be white trash, but in an affectionate way. The mom was baking brownies one day when I was playing at the house with my friend. She set the dish of uncooked brownie batter down on the table to answer the phone. Their cat jumped onto the table and, you guessed it, landed right into the batter. Miss kitty proceeded to jump out of the batter and proceeded to lick it off her feet and tail. Mom's reaction? She just smoothed over the rumpled part, picked out some cat hairs/ dust bunnies, and put it into the oven to cook. Even as a 9 year old, I was glad I wouldn't be there to eat any of it... what you trade away by being the host you gain back tenfold in the form of control over the situation... Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts