After 7 yrs, I'm still looking for evidence of a 2nd offence

[loveislost]

Hi... Need your help... it's been 7 yrs since my H's affair (been together for 14, married for 4, we're in our mid-30s) and I keep thinking that I've forgiven him but I still find myself checking emails just in case I find something suspicious. What's wrong with me?

 

I trust him that he won't ever cheat on me again (as he knows that if he does, we're completely thru). Plus, I've had other women that I hardly know tell me that he's had the opportunity but has never shown any interest.

 

So why do I keep looking for evidence? Is it because I'm weak that I can't let it go? Or am I looking for an excuse to leave? Our marriage is on the rocks from my perspective - long story (http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t62860/) - but I'm thinking that this has something to do with it.

 

It doesn't help either that he still goes to strip bars - but he says he only goes because that's where his friends always want to go.

 

Note: He had an affair with a dancer/stripper in Las Vegas during a weekend stag party. But he ended up staying for almost a month under the pretense that he wanted to stay and write (he's a writer). He didn't admit to the A until I found proof. And even now, he doesn't call it cheating since in his mind we were over.

 

I figure if I haven't stopped looking for proof after 7 yrs, I'll never stop. That doesn't sound healthy does it.

 

Does anyone else feel compelled to invade his privacy? I normally respect his privacy, i.e. I don't read his work until it's done. I have trust issues don't I? Can it be fixed in this marriage or should I find someone else without a cheating record?

[JadeStar]

I think you are still hurt, however there comes a time when you need to stop with the checking and give him the benifit of the doubt. I'm sure its hard. 7 years is a long time to still be checking which says that 7 years later after the affair, you have taken those 7 years of your life and wondered, probably drove yourself crazy looking for eveidence. Sounds like a bit obessed with the situation. I think if you really truly wanted the marriage to work you would do your part by not continuing to check to see what you may or may not come up with.

 

"Is it because I'm weak and I can't let it go." That might be part of it.

"Or am I looking for an excuse to leave?" That might be part of it as well. However, I understand your concern since the affair he had was with a stripper from a club and that he still goes there. However, if hes had an affair once, I would think if he was gonna do it again, you might would reconize the signs a little better. Stop trying to find something that may not even be there. You will drive yourself nuts! If hes gonna do it again, I think you will probably know without even having to look to hard.

 

 

Jade

[whichwayisup]

He didn't admit to the A until I found proof. And even now, he doesn't call it cheating since in his mind we were over.

 

Does that mean you two were having problems or at the time of his cheating on you he may have thought the relationship was over?

 

Marriage councilling could help alot if he is willing to go. Also, he maybe should reconsider going to strip joints. Does he go every time he's out with his buddies? Once in a while is OK, but if this is a weekly routine that they do - That's too much.

[loveislost]

Thanks Jade... I guess I am a little obsessed about it - and I have given him the benefit of the doubt - and you're right, I would know if there was something going on as I had a suspicion then due to his body language and the look he had in his eyes. I think that I still hurt because (1) I'm not satisfied with his answer, and (2) because we never really talked about it much since he always got upset everytime I brought it up.

 

Thanks whichwayisup... At the time, I had no idea that our relationship was in trouble. Obviously , lack of communication there - and he laughs at the idea of a marriage councellor - and I don't like to make him do anything he doesn't want to or stop him from doing anything he want to. He says he goes (2-3 times a month)only because the boys do (they're either single or in a 'kinky' relationship) and that to not worry because he loves me.

 

oh well... lots to think about... I appreciate your help so much.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by loveislost

Note: He had an affair with a dancer/stripper in Las Vegas during a weekend stag party. But he ended up staying for almost a month under the pretense that he wanted to stay and write (he's a writer).

 

I didn't know Vegas was such a writer's heaven.

 

Maybe she was acting as his muse.

[MiChick43]

I trust him that he won't ever cheat on me again (as he knows that if he does, we're completely thru).

 

 

 

You really DONT trust him, not at all. But that is normal. He has lied to you. Lying is more unforgivable then the actual sex in an affair, to me. Not true for everyone. Its difficult to trust again when youve been lied too. Listen to your gut feelings.