affair...recovery...how ?!?!?

[Spacewoman1414]

My husband had a long term affair, 6 months. We have been reeling from the devastation of all of this. He was extremely vile and vicious in his affair. I found out about the affair 3 months ago and for the past 3 months he has been lying and lying and lying about the details/specifics of the affair.

 

Well... a few days ago out of the blue the mistress contacts me and begins sending screen shots of all their relationship details. It is during this time I learn just how vile my husband was. Pages and pages worth of emotional details about how her body is the best he has ever felt or seen, how much he loves her, and can't wait to move out/kick me out of the house so they can be together, how he has never felt so good blah blah blah etc.

It is also now been brought to my attention, that he didn't just have an affair with her..... him, his mistress, and a THIRD girl joined in. So now I am now dealing with the devastation that my husband had two mistresses/affairs.... and a threesome as an affair.... I am so so sick to my stomach and can't get the images out of my head of what that threesome looked like. I have been sent all the nitty details about the threesome and made the mistake of reading them......

 

 

As an FYI since the affair was busted 3 months ago, there has been ZERO contact between he and either affair partner. Full disclosure to all friends and family has been done and I even took the liberty of telling the affair partners friends and family. Since I found the affair 3 months ago my husband has continually professed how much he wants us to work will do anything it takes etc.

 

BUT... he did lie over and over about what exactly the affair relationship was. He lied about never having sex or inappropriateness with anyone else in our marriage etc.. now I find out the second partner/threesome partner.. He lied saying he never told her he loved her or that he was leaving his family for her. He now claims they are all lies and never meant any of it.

 

So, I am beside myself. How do you process not only one affair....but a threesome affair is it possible to recover from this...... how?!?!? This doesn't even then get to all the emotional, deep level sharing etc that occurred....

[Lion Heart]

Spacewoman

 

I'm so very sorry for your pain.

Personally speaking I think you've done so much right so far in the aftermath of your shock, devastation (and maybe fury).

With cheaters of this degree at least I'm a total advocate of full exposure. You are the Queen of full exposure in telling OWs families too. IMHO WELL DONE.

 

I'm a BW also. 10 months out from D Day Number 1 - 1 OW.

About 6 weeks out from D Day Number 2 - MANY OWs over many years. BTW we have 3 children from this M. 6 decendants altogether and 16 years of M / relationship.

 

Many things helped me through

1. Loveshack members

2. Friends who love me

3. Work

4. Planning my exit immediately

5. NC

 

Nothing could help WH UNTIL he

1. Accepted full responsibility for his As (this took 9 months)

2. Being completely transparent in ALL things

3. Psychologist

4. Psychiatrist

5. Meds from the GP

6. Focussed working

 

I have made myself EXTREMELY clear about a number of things

1. I am and will always continue to get my ducks in a row to exit this M for when the time comes; move all finances, separate all finances, move mortgage to my name only (he's signed it over), change Will to exclude him with appropriate codicils.

2. I will NEVER completely trust him again.

3. He agrees to a surprise Lie Detector test. One lie / deception I'm done & NO LOOKING BACK. This forced my D Day Number 2.

4. Continued psychologist appointments made and kept by him.

5. He meets my needs as a normal H should. My list.

 

Preparation, preparation, preparation.

 

Get help IC / Life Coach wherever you're at.

 

NO ONE DESERVES to be treated like this.

Be strong.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy for you.

 

Sorry but R with a Serial Cheater is NO SUMMER PICNIC.

 

Much love and more power to you.

Lion Heart.

[BetrayedH]

Whether you choose to try to reconcile is entirely up to you.

 

I tried, in a situation somewhat similar to yours. Well after Dday, I also discovered that my wife had engaged in a threesome.

 

The problem wasn't even so much the sex (although that is a hurdle that can't be ignored) so much as the continued lying AFTER Dday.

 

My opinion is that you can find a better partner in life than one that clearly has no problem lying straight to your face, even after you've offered forgiveness for such a heinous offense. It should really tell you something about your husband.

 

I'd suggest you're still in love with who you THOUGHT he was. He's not that person. He's shown you who he is. And you should believe him.

 

There's only one logical approach to dealing with such a person...you detach from them. Staying is an emotional decision (an understandable and normal one, for what it's worth) but right now you should really be making decisions with your head instead of your emotions.

 

I could ramble more but I'll refrain for the time being. It's a rough situation all around. I hope you stick around. You'll keep growing. And you'll be ok.

[Popsicle]

xOW speaking here, and I would say that considering that he chose to stay with you, I think that the person he was lying to, in terms of where his heart really lies, was the OW, not you. So, believe him and take him back, if you really want to keep him.

[flowergirl14]

As a spouse of a serial cheater who has stayed thus far. Leave him. Dont waste your life with someone so vile. It just isnt worth it. Trust issues will be pervasive. Self loathing will be to. You will question why you chose to stay with someone who lied so often to your face and who treated you so poorly. Use this anger you have now to get out. The ow wants him thats why she sent you the texts. She is hoping you'll kick him to the curb. Don't fall into thinking that she will win and you lose. He is a serial cheating jerk to say it nicely. Some ws just don't deserve a second chance.

[Artie Lang]

in all honesty, only you can answer this. the big question being- are you capable of forgiving and letting go of resentment? many times it's just a total deal breaker. your are in the very early stages of this, so it's only normal that you feel hopeless about recovery. it's been said that it takes 2-5 years for recovery. are you willing to stick it out?

 

 

what did you ask of him? has he demonstrated that he's willing to do anything and everything for a shot at winning you back? he has to earn it.

 

any children involved?

 

any counseling?

[bathtub-row]

Honestly, I can't imagine why on earth you'd want to stay with him. You will never trust him again, nor should you. Did he really use those words -- that he can't wait to kick you out?? That alone would be enough for me. Except I'd kick him out.

 

And, btw, I'm an OW and a BW. I've been down this road in different directions. Knowing what I now know, I'd never forgive an affair. And, the truth is, you really don't know for sure that he has stopped contact with the OW, or if they're just laying low for now. The trust has been shattered and I believe that way too many damaging things have been done and said in this situation.

[Lois_Griffin]

We have been reeling from the devastation of all of this.

Well, quite honestly, 'we' haven't been reeling. You have. He chose to do what he did - you're left to deal with it. He's just dealing with having been caught and trying to keep from being thrown out to the curb.

 

He was extremely vile and vicious in his affair. I found out about the affair 3 months ago and for the past 3 months he has been lying and lying and lying about the details/specifics of the affair.

Of course he has. Pretty much all cheaters do. It's all about DAMAGE control for them once you find out what they've been up to. They'll claim they were protecting 'your' feelings by minimizing their crap behavior, but they were really just attempting to save their own sorry asses.

 

Pages and pages worth of emotional details about how her body is the best he has ever felt or seen, how much he loves her, and can't wait to move out/kick me out of the house so they can be together, how he has never felt so good blah blah blah etc.

It is also now been brought to my attention, that he didn't just have an affair with her..... him, his mistress, and a THIRD girl joined in.

Well, he's an equal opportunity cheater, isn't he? Go big or go home, I guess.

 

So now I am now dealing with the devastation that my husband had two mistresses/affairs.... and a threesome as an affair.... I am so so sick to my stomach and can't get the images out of my head of what that threesome looked like. I have been sent all the nitty details about the threesome and made the mistake of reading them......

Unfortunately, you now have clear vision of exactly who he really is.

 

As an FYI since the affair was busted 3 months ago, there has been ZERO contact between he and either affair partner. Full disclosure to all friends and family has been done and I even took the liberty of telling the affair partners friends and family. Since I found the affair 3 months ago my husband has continually professed how much he wants us to work will do anything it takes etc.

Well of course he does. It was never his intention to divorce or he wouldn't have hidden his sick little triangle from you. He was just banking on you never finding out so he could have his fun on the side while you sat in ignorant bliss cooking his meals, doing his laundry, adoring him and providing all his creature comforts for him.

 

BUT... he did lie over and over about what exactly the affair relationship was. He lied about never having sex or inappropriateness with anyone else in our marriage etc.. now I find out the second partner/threesome partner.. He lied saying he never told her he loved her or that he was leaving his family for her. He now claims they are all lies and never meant any of it.

Of course he lied. All cheaters do. Their first order of business is to protect their lying asses at all costs. This type of person wouldn't know what honesty IS anymore. He's so used to lying to everyone and manipulating them in order to get what HE wants that he wouldn't even know HOW to be honest at this point. Anything that comes out of his mouth right now shouldn't be believed.

 

So, I am beside myself. How do you process not only one affair....but a threesome affair is it possible to recover from this...... how?!?!? This doesn't even then get to all the emotional, deep level sharing etc that occurred....

How would I process it? By making an appointment with a very blood-thirsty lawyer.

 

I'm not one of those 'reconcile at all costs' types, but there are infidelity sites out there with Reconciliation boards that will blindly encourage you to stay no matter HOW much crap your husband has done or continues to do.

 

Good luck to you.

[Mrs. John Adams]

Unfortunately in infidelity...the right answer is not always black and white...and what might be the right answer for me is not necessarily the right answer for you.

 

There are certainly books and forums that spell out the "proper" procedure towards healing....but these can only be followed if you have two willing partners....and often times, unfortunately....you don't.

 

I think reconciliation takes time and love.....how much time? As long as it takes.

 

One of the first steps has to be complete transparency....without it....you cannot begin to rebuild trust. So in my opinion...if your wayward spouse...does not supply you with all accounts and all passwords....it should be a good indication they they still have something to hide. They should be willing to tell you their whereabouts...without resentment for doing so. Again...any hesitation would certainly be a signal that they are not on the same page.

 

Counseling is important to help you both sort things out...feelings, actions...etc. If a wayward shuts down the possibility of researching the break down of the relationship...you have to ask yourself why?

 

This list gets longer....but i do think these things should be a good indicator of the mindset of the wayward....

 

At this point....the wayward has to turn the reigns back over to the betrayed....his fate....now lies in your hands.....exactly where it should be. After all....he took all control...all power...all say so....away from you when he made the decision to cheat. Now.....he gets to see how that feels...

Take back your power.......

[oldshirt]

you are under no obligation to remain with someone that has treated you so bad.

 

 

Sometimes the best way to "process" it is to go on and live a good life with the people that have betrayed you fading rapidly in your rearview mirror.

[Spacewoman1414]

Honestly, I can't imagine why on earth you'd want to stay with him. You will never trust him again, nor should you. Did he really use those words -- that he can't wait to kick you out?? That alone would be enough for me. Except I'd kick him out.

 

Hi...thanks for the reply, to all who have replied. Let me respond to the questions. Yes..those were just the beginning of the words. There were dozen of dozens of text saying similar things such as: It should be you I am waking up to every day, I can't wait for that day.

-This is the easy part, the hard part will be when I move out

-I'm about to tell her I met someone and we are over and she doesn't need to know any fing thing else except we are over

-I can't stand being married to my wife anymore, can't wait to be with you

-Picture of our bed saying this is your spot....

-he met some of her friends told them that he was moving here for her

-multiple texts stating that if I go through his phone one more time and question something he is going to tell me to stop going through his fing phone and he would go get his own line

 

 

We have kids... AND we moved here.... we just moved here 1500 miles away for what I was told was an incredible job opportunity. I am now learning that the affair started before we moved here.... so while he denies it, it certainly looks and feels as though we were moved here for his affair?!?

 

 

I found the affair out because of a chance coincidence in which she texted his phone and I saw the text. I haven't really told him what I need at this point because I don't know what in the world to need to even start to get over this.

 

Passwords, emails etc none of it matter. I had full access to all known emails and phones etc. I had all his passwords etc to the stuff I knew of. It was all the secret apps and emails that he did a great job of deleting and hiding that I didn't know about that was the issue.

 

When I first learned of the affair, I was hopeful that we could work past this but now that I learn he has lied about the details and specifics of the affair for 3 months post discovery AND THEN BAM I get all the screenshots that prove exactly what it is was and BAM I learn they brought her friend into the action and so he really screwed two woman and made it a threesome... I just don't know how in the world do you recover from this?!?! I mean a grown married man with kids, not only having an affair but taking it to such extremes.... ack.

Edited October 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fix quote

[carhill]

 

So, I am beside myself. How do you process not only one affair....but a threesome affair is it possible to recover from this...... how?!?!? This doesn't even then get to all the emotional, deep level sharing etc that occurred....

 

Indeed, and please accept my sympathies. IMO, now would be a good time to get some alone time and space to process out the shock and decide on next steps for the family. If this wasn't your legal partner and father to your children, he'd be erased in a moment for such betrayal, yes? OK, with erasing him off the table, the next healthiest option is creating some thinking and feeling space. Since retaining continuity for the children is paramount, boot his butt out. Hard to do? Sure! However, in general, women are expert at exerting pressure so this is one time to get your toolbox out and throw all the tools at the job. Get him out and you get some breathing room. What happens later happens later. Deal with the now, now.

[minimariah]

I just don't know how in the world do you recover from this?!?!

 

with time, with focusing on yourself & the kids and your life. your marriage doesn't necessarily need to be saved - i was just writing about that on the other thread, sometimes things are past the point of salvation. not every marriage needs to be saved and healed from the affair - sometimes you absolutely need to walk away and leave that behind.

 

he was lying during the affair, he lied about it after the D-day... so he wasn't really serious or ready about reconciliation. honestly, this is a really huge amount of disrespect. i'd think about separation at least if i were you.

 

you can heal and move on but that doesn't mean that you gotta keep him in your life. you can heal and move on WITHOUT him.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I agree with minimariah....

 

Your husband has continued to lie....therefore...he does not care about helping you with reconciliation

 

It takes two to reconcile...you cannot and should not try to do it alone.

[oldshirt]

what are you really asking when you ask how to 'recover' from this?

 

 

Are you asking how do you forgive and continue to be married and share a life with this horrible person?

 

 

Or are you asking how you get back up on your feet and move on with your own life without him as marital partner?

[boltam]

My husband had a long term affair, 6 months. We have been reeling from the devastation of all of this.

 

He's not reeling from the devastation. He might be missing all the secret sex including the 3some but he's not reeling from any devastation. He doesn't care enough to reel, he's just bummed that it had to end.

 

I just don't know how in the world do you recover from this?!?! I mean a grown married man with kids, not only having an affair but taking it to such extremes.... ack.

 

You don't. It's impossible.

Edited October 24, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[bathtub-row]

I understand about having kids but do you really think it's wise to stay with a man who has treated you in such a way? What kind of example is that to your children? Stay at all cost, no matter how crappy you're treated? This is NOT the message that you want to send your kids. You should be teaching your children that they have options, that they should never stand for this kind of thing.

 

This is even worse if you suspect that he uprooted you and the kids for this affair. If I were you, I'd move back to where I came from, or move back where family is, and get a really good lawyer. This man would be toast as far as I'm concerned.

[Spacewoman1414]

Thanks for all the responses. Lots of very valid points brought up.

 

 

As I was reading them I couldn't help but think how for years I have pleaded for all the things he gave her....

 

I have made him move out. He is now not living in the same house. I don't know what the future holds but what I can say is that for some sick reason I just can't picture us not being together but in the same sense...I have been so lonely and miserable in this marriage for years, so for him to turn his back and not just have an affair but take it to the extremes he did...I just don't know how or why one would stay.

 

For now he has moved out.... I am looking for a job away from the state I was brought to for his affair so I can get me and the kids the hell out of here ..

[understand50]

Thanks for all the responses. Lots of very valid points brought up.

 

 

As I was reading them I couldn't help but think how for years I have pleaded for all the things he gave her....

 

I have made him move out. He is now not living in the same house. I don't know what the future holds but what I can say is that for some sick reason I just can't picture us not being together but in the same sense...I have been so lonely and miserable in this marriage for years, so for him to turn his back and not just have an affair but take it to the extremes he did...I just don't know how or why one would stay.

 

For now he has moved out.... I am looking for a job away from the state I was brought to for his affair so I can get me and the kids the hell out of here ..

 

Spacewoman1414,

 

Looks like this is for the best. Maybe your husband will realize what he is going to lose, and find a way to really truly reconcile. Lion Hart and Mrs Adams posts show what is absolutely needed for this to happen. I also agree with minimariah, sometimes there is nothing left to save.

 

But,

 

As you break up, what must happen is for you and him to forge some type of working relationship so you both can parent your children. This will be harder then you think, but something you must do. Boys need a father, and they also need to know from their mothers, that men can be decent, loving and faithful. Girls need to know that not all men are like their fathers, and they can expect to find a man who will love and cherish them. I always tell friends that are breaking up, who share children, that on some level they are still married. So, they and find some common ground with him. Try and not say a bad word in front of the kids, and remember, they need help and support with this as well.

 

This will be a hard thing to do, maybe the hardest thing in your life, but in the end it will pay you back, and your children will benefit.

 

I wish you luck.

[Lion Heart]

Spacewoman1414

 

Excellent work! Looking for a job, getting independent of him. THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT YOU DO NOW!

 

Congrats on kicking him to the curb. WH has NO IDEA what's coming and too bad. Some WSs never wake up anyhow!

 

Time for Number 1 (that's you!) Then the kids.

Do whatever you KNOW is gonna get you on your feet as quickly as possible. Close to YOUR family and friends is the BEST medicine for you. Do it. Naysayers are gonna try to guilt you into staying in a place your WH MOVED you ALL to FOR HIS AP & 3somes?

 

Sorry but you have far better reasoning for YOUR move! For the love and SUPPORT you will get and desperately need. Your justification is VIRTUOUS.

 

Sure if WH / wayward father wants to see his children then ofcourse he can. Not your problem to solve HIS dilemmas anymore.

 

And no children do not NEED two parents to grow up healthy, strong and independent! Though they DO do better with ONE HAPPY PARENT who engages with them about their lives. The role models can be from your family and friends. G** knows your WH is NO GOOD ROLE MODEL!

 

Best wishes

Lion Heart.

[Captivating]

Lion Heart,

 

It is understandable that you are heart broken ! If you guys cannot regain trust in the relationship - which would be also understandable--- then move on. Treating/punishing your cheating husband as a kid, signing over the mortgage to your name, lie detector test etc is OVERDONE. With this move you demolished the slightest chance of marriage survival. You feel humiliated so in return you humiliate your husband back. Are you any better? What did you achieve ? Financial security?

[Captivating]

Spacewoman,

 

I'm sorry that you had to go through this and that you are heartbroken. However, can you tell me why the full disclosure of this event was necessary? If you feel humiliated, why do you feel the need to go to battle mode and humiliate your husband in return? This is what I told to Lion Heart as well, that with this move the slightest chance of survival is demolished. How are you any better than him if you guys mutually humiliate each other? I understand your frustration though.

[katielee]

Lion Heart,

 

It is understandable that you are heart broken ! If you guys cannot regain trust in the relationship - which would be also understandable--- then move on. Treating/punishing your cheating husband as a kid, signing over the mortgage to your name, lie detector test etc is OVERDONE. With this move you demolished the slightest chance of marriage survival. You feel humiliated so in return you humiliate your husband back. Are you any better? What did you achieve ? Financial security?

 

umm, how did SHE humiliate HIM? How is a lie detector test overdone when someone is a proven liar? I would say sometimes a polygraph is necessary for marriage survival.

[Captivating]

katilee,

When you expose your husband's infidelity to the whole family is humiliating. Cheating on your wife is humiliating as well for the wife.

If he is a "proven liar", then you break the relationship off and move on. Making him taking a lie detector test seems ridiculous, will make everything worse.....if you tell him that i don't trust you at all, why stay in the marriage?? He cannot even try to mend the relationship if you don't believe that things can get better and demolish him in the process. People do make mistakes, he needs to prove himself if he wants to stay in the marriage and regain his wife's trust. If the guy; however, is ridiculed mentally, financially and this event is kept rubbed into his face, he will leave or cheat again. We need to look at what the goal is, saving the marriage.

[flowergirl14]

I honestly think your making the right choice seperating from him. I wish I'd found LS right after dday. This site and chump lady have helped me and can support you too.

Your h may likely have had previous affairs. Usually, down the line you find out this isnt their first rodeo.