We're both in relationships and I can't stop thinking about her

[pushforward]

This girl and I used to work together. She quit recently. We always had some sort of chemistry and I never really acted on it. We would go to lunch together and playfully flirt. We didn't cross the lines physically but there were numerous occasions where lots of tension was built and left me with a lot of questions.

 

She is generally a flirt so I didn't think anything of it at first; but as time went on I started to notice she treated me differently. I was hoping she liked me and loved the attention I was getting from her.

 

We're both in relationships and I felt like I was just making up stories in my head about her having feelings for me.

 

Fast forward to this week, we went to a bar with other coworkers. We drank, played games, and had fun. She was flirting with me all night. Making sexual jokes, making sure I was noticing her, being close to me whenever she had the chance, so I took those as good signs. We left the bar and I walked her to her car.

 

I had to know if she liked me and I asked her. She said let's talk later because we're both drunk. Her body language was showing that it was very receptive and she said she's happy that I told her. I wasn't sure if I was reading things correctly so I asked for a kiss. She said no. We left.

 

The next day at work we talked and she told me that we're both in relationships but she does have feelings for me but wasn't sure at first. She said she wanted me to kiss her but I should have taken it instead of asking.

 

I told her that I was happy to hear that she does have feelings for me and that I'm interested in her.

 

I know what I'm doing is wrong and I'm going to end it with my girlfriend because I'm into my ex coworker. I can't stop thinking about her.

 

I know it's a bad idea because she's in a relationship but I do want to pursue her. We were supposed to see each other this weekend but she ended up having to cancel out because of her boyfriend and their plans.

 

She said she wanted to see me too and I asked to reschedule but she hasn't really answered.

 

I'm really confused because I know this is a terrible idea but I feel like something is there and I want to see this through.

 

I'm feeling really insecure because she hasn't responded to rescheduling. So I'm left wondering what the heck is going on and if she's really interested in me.

 

Has anybody gone through this? What do you guys think is going on in her mind?

-I won't follow up with her because the ball is obviously in her court. I just can't stop thinking about her and I don't know what to do at this point.

Edited October 24, 2015 by pushforward

[loveboid]

I would tell her that you'd like to date her if she's no longer dating her boyfriend, that you want her to be happy and if she's happy with him you're happy to let her go. That you don't share. That you'd break up with your girlfriend too because you don't expect her to share either.

[privategal]

Nahhh...

This is normal flirting, ego, feel good chemicals in the brain that mimic the same feelings as falling in love.

Its not real just tension, curiosity, build up....its not the real deal but this is what happens when your own relationship isnt new anymore and a fresh person with the baggage, fighting, normal relationship issues....its just new and fun.

new and exciting.

Your heads in the clouds and your in a fog. Its nice to feel wanted.

But the insecurity you feel now will be mixed with pain, sleepless nights, loss of self esteem and regret if you allow yourself to get deeper in and feelings to grow.

If you were meant to be the universe will see that she is single and you get an honest chance.

For now, break up w/ ur girlfriend and work on you and don't contact this girl at all.

Your feelings are out there...now do what you need to do to distance yourself and sort yourself...and if she is single and reaches out, you'll know then.

You cant know now...its against guy code...she is in a relationship and said so right after you divulged feelings

Look just because you like someone and there's chemistry doesn't mean u have to act on it as this will happen over and over in life. Shut it down.

Its likely just flattery for her. Girls love attention, it boosts their ego too.

And if she breaks up with her bf...you can know for real.

For now, stop texting and out of sight, out of mind and emotions back to normal will take over for you. Let it die down now.

Give this a break.

[Morro72]

Think how her bf would feel about this situation.

 

Then think how you'll feel when she does the same thing to you. Because she will.

[Popsicle]

What the heck is going on is that she probably has plans with her boyfriend at the time you want to reschedule. Or, maybe it has occurred to her that you probably rescheduled because you need to be with your girlfriend at that time.

[pushforward]

You guys are right. This is very unhealthy and I just can't get her out of my head. I've always hoped/wanted her to like me because all of the times we hung out but nothing happened. So it's driving me mad that I missed out on those moments. I'm beating myself up for not taking the chance that I wanted.

 

Now that I know she likes me, I want to ask her out but we are both in relationships. I can see that what I'm doing is entirely selfish and I'm going to break up with my girlfriend when I see her next weekend.

 

I need to distance myself from this girl because I can't trust myself around her and it's not fair to her boyfriend. I feel so conflicted because I have this strong desire for her and know this isn't right at all.

 

How should I play this and express my interest in the girl? We won't have an opportunity to meet in the near future since she quit. And we were supposed to meet last Friday but she ended up having to cancel because her boyfriend coming home early from work.

 

We both expressed that we were looking forward to seeing each other and I asked to reschedule but she hasn't answered me. Am I being naive here?

[privategal]

Be glad nothing happened because its going to get messy and you will likely end up hurt.

You already expressed interest. And you did make a move for a kiss and she said no.

This is one of these girls that likes the attention but means nothing by it. She cancelled because shes into her bf.

She's not rescheduled because shes not into it like you are thats my gut.

You just said its not fair to her partner then in the next breath as how you can make it work.

 

You have gigs...she has a boyfriend and simply flirted and your making too much of it.

Like I said your gonna run into the same scenario over and over in life. Firm up your boundaries and morals now. Attached means do not proceed.

You wont see her now so the stars aligned to help you move forward. Dont invite bad karma by going after someone elses girl.

[sandylee1]

Breaking up with your GF is the right thing to do ....well done for (hopefully) doing that. If you loved your GF enough you wouldn't want to see the other girl. If your GF wanted to kiss another guy, I'm sure you wouldn't be too impressed.

 

Have you wondered if she quit because of her feelings towards you? Maybe she's trying to keep her distance and avoid temptation. I can see you becoming the OM here. If she responds and is agreeable you'll go for it.

 

If being the OM isn't your thing, don't even meet her unless she's finished with her BF. Otherwise, you'll become the secret lover, who gets squeezed in if time permits.

[pushforward]

Be glad nothing happened because its going to get messy and you will likely end up hurt.

You already expressed interest. And you did make a move for a kiss and she said no.

This is one of these girls that likes the attention but means nothing by it. She cancelled because shes into her bf.

She's not rescheduled because shes not into it like you are thats my gut.

You just said its not fair to her partner then in the next breath as how you can make it work.

 

You have gigs...she has a boyfriend and simply flirted and your making too much of it.

Like I said your gonna run into the same scenario over and over in life. Firm up your boundaries and morals now. Attached means do not proceed.

You wont see her now so the stars aligned to help you move forward. Dont invite bad karma by going after someone elses girl.

 

The grass isn't greener. I was lacking something from my relationship for a very long time. This was just the catalyst to really open up my eyes. I don't care for my girlfriend in the way she deserves and I emotionally cheated on her. She deserves better.

 

As for the excoworker, she knows how I feel and ball is in her court if/when she's ever single. It's a shame because of my own perceived connection to her. I don't know why she matters so much or has this type of emotional pull on me. I've been thinking about her all weekend and can't shake the thoughts of what if. Maybe because I've had so many fantasies involving her and they could have became a reality had I acted but you're right. Glad nothing physically happened and this could have been extremely messy.

 

I guess I go no contact from here with her or talk to her and declare my intent of if she's ever single, I'm interested.

 

Breaking up with your GF is the right thing to do ....well done for (hopefully) doing that. If you loved your GF enough you wouldn't want to see the other girl. If your GF wanted to kiss another guy, I'm sure you wouldn't be too impressed.

 

Have you wondered if she quit because of her feelings towards you? Maybe she's trying to keep her distance and avoid temptation. I can see you becoming the OM here. If she responds and is agreeable you'll go for it.

 

If being the OM isn't your thing, don't even meet her unless she's finished with her BF. Otherwise, you'll become the secret lover, who gets squeezed in if time permits.

 

I'm breaking up with my girlfriend in person. I won't tell her why other than its not working for me. I wouldn't want her to bare the knowledge of me being interested in someone else and telling her so I may relieve my conscious.

 

As for my excoworker, she had a better opportunity presented and took it.

[pushforward]

**update**

 

So I broke up with my girlfriend. I told her that I didn't feel the same anymore and it had nothing to do with her. I realized we wanted different things in life and I don't want her to wait around on me because she wants children. I don't.

 

 

Needless to say, she was very hurt and we left it on good terms. I didn't tell her about my emotional infidelity as it would just add salt to her injury. She said she has known for a long time about me not wanting children but was too afraid to let me go and is happy that I ended things before she was committed any further.

 

 

My excoworker has gone silent on me and I'm pretty much in no contact because she's in a relationship and she doesn't attempt to keep in touch. My ego is pretty hurt because I thought we had something and I can feel myself pining for someone who clearly isn't interested. It's odd how I think of my excoworker and feel more of a break up there than my actual relationship. It's pretty messed up I think.

 

 

So now that I'm newly single, I won't be rushing into any relationships for awhile. I'm reflecting on my actions and dissecting my attraction to my excoworker. I feel pretty foolish over the whole thing because now it just seems like she didn't like me. She just liked the attention. Once again I know my ego is hurt and realized I let my feelings grow for her and foolishly I might add.

 

 

I can't stop dwelling on the what ifs and just need to get this girl out of my system.

[privategal]

This feels like rejection to you I know, but its really not.

Theres girls out there who like the chase and the whole cat and mouse game.

I think you haven't had butterflies in a long time, new attention can up your libido and have you fantasizing but aren't you glad you took your time, didn't act desperate or jump om opportunities with her?

Because that would have felt worse.

She sounds both emotionally unavailable and lilely flirts around on the side often for attention.

Shes not a stand up girl, but you ARE a standup guy cause you did the right thing by your girlfriend.

This all was meant to happen to have you take stock in your future.

You are in a good spot.

You wanted a crush to maybe be more but you've got this girl on a pedestal and lets face it...it was lust..and exciting.

But it wasn't very deep or real. Shes just a girl, a flake cause if she were sincere...before she went silent she would have said she felt she crossed the line by flirting and was recommited to her boyfriend.

She wasn't mature or respectful and if she contacts you again its because shes immature and feeling insecure so shes gonna use your attention to boost her.

You deserve better.

It will fade...try to have fun being single now.

Find a new job..hobby..meet new people, take a vaca...just start thinking positive.

Outside looking in, this girl is not girlfriend material at all.

[yodelwithyu]

Hey PushForward,

 

I am sorry you are feeling so...everything. I just wanted to stop by and say that I think you are an upstanding human for doing right by your (ex)GF. A lot of people in your position might have stayed with the GF until the crush reciprocated to break up, while others would have kept both women.

 

You seem very self-aware, and yes, you were confused for a bit juggling feelings for the co-worker and your relationship. But honestly, I wouldn't beat yourself up for it too much, as everyone has lapses in judgement once in a while. You put an end to your relationship despite the fact that the co-worker has not gotten in touch, and that is commendable and brave. I think you knew your relationship was over on some level, as you said NC with the co-worker felt more like a break up. So maybe that is why you allowed yourself to have feelings for this woman before you were out of your R.

 

I hope you can get over this girl, for yourself, and because even if she is interested, there might still be drama ahead as she is still in a relationship and might have been sending you mixed signals anyway.

Edited November 5, 2015 by yodelwithyu