How did I become the OW

[OWinLove]

I started working with a man a little over a year ago. Immediately there was an attraction. 5 months after we started working together, which was about 9 months ago we started a friendship outside of work. I found out he was married and had 2 children.

 

We began developing this very close relationship and fell deeply in love with each other. I told him about my own divorce and custody battle issues that happened a couple years earlier and he told me about his unhappy marriage. We grew very closely together to the point where we knew everything about each other and would stay on the phone talking for hours about our childhood, our life goals, our day, everything! I had to get surgery and he was there for me the entire time. He has been my rock, my support, my best friend, my soul mate.

 

Things never became intimate until about 3 months after we started talking and then at 4 months he had a talk with his wife and told her how he felt and they talked about a divorce. She moved in with her parents taking the kids. They remained seperated for about 3 months but she just recently moved back into the house (he says they're sleeping in seperate rooms) because he said his plan is to have her live there with the kids so that he can move out. He said he's going to start looking for an apartment so that he can move out and we can be together.

 

But I'm so scared because after reading so many of these posts I don't want to end up like the typical OW who is wasting her life waiting around for nothing. Am I just being niave in believing everything he is telling me? He said he loves me and wants to be together and whenever I ask him why it's taking so long he just said he needs to make sure he has everything in place. I think at this point finances is a big issue and leaving his kids scares him because he talks about his responsibility to them.

 

But everything he tells me seems so similar to the things others are being told on this forum so now I'm doubting everything. It's just that he talks about a future and makes plans for us that I don't think he would do if this wasn't real. We live 45 minutes away from each other and he wants me to move down closer to him which I don't think he would have me uproot my life here and do if he wasn't planning on leaving his wife right? Also he's been talking about meeting each others kids soon which I don't think he would want if this wasn't going to be something long term because he knows how I feel about introducing my daughter to anyone...it has to be serious.

 

I love him so much and he's the first person I've really had a relationship with since getting my own divorce which was 4 years ago. Because of what I went through with my divorce I had trouble letting anyone in and he broke down the walls I had built and has been here for me as I have been for him while he's going through things. I just don't know how long to continue waiting.

 

I need advice from others who have been in a similar situation.

Edited October 24, 2015 by OWinLove

[Popsicle]

Firstly, Do not move or rearrange your life in any way until he is officially divorced. Secondly, yes, your story sounds like everyone else's but there is no reason why you can't cool things off until he figures himself out. In other words, tell him that you'll be there for and with him 100% once he divirces but not while he's still married. Tell him that you feel guilty as well as insecure and want to do the right thing for now, then for your own good start seeing other single men.

[OWinLove]

Thank you so much for your reply. I have told him that I do not plan on moving closer to him or introducing our kids until he is officially divorced. We had a talk last night about things and I told him that I need space and I think we need to pull back a little and just remain friends until he completes everything he needs to do so we can be together without these feelings of guilt or anyone getting hurt. This is why I came on here for support because the past few hours have been so difficult.

[anika99]

Does his wife know that he had her move back into the house just so he could move out? If she moved back thinking they were reconciling then you know he is a liar and manipulator and his wife maybe not as much a victim of his lies as you are.

 

You wouldn't be the first OW we've seen here who moved hundreds of miles away based on promises made by the MM only to have nothing transpire. The OW ends up alone, without friends or family, sometimes without a job, waiting and waiting on the MM.

 

Even if he does leave why would you be in such a hurry to jump right into a relationship with a man who is newly separated. Even in the absence of an affair, newly separated men are usually poor relationship material. They need time to grieve their marriage, to learn how to live alone and to enjoy their newfound freedom. I wouldn't move to be with this guy until the divorce is final.

[carhill]

Usually one becomes a OM or OW at the point they are cognizant of a verifiable relationship and choose to continue with intimacy that is otherwise deemed inappropriate by either the person's spouse or partner or their lover's spouse or partner.

 

Scanning your milieu, the easiest indicators of the man moving on versus the typical MM patter would be:

 

1. Filing for divorce and you being able to see his name as petitioner at the court.

 

2. Living separately, meaning he has a separate domicile and you've been there personally.

 

3. Open and obvious association, meaning he openly and without qualification dates you and you and he are visible to any and all in public.

 

Of course, as you well know, marital ends are a process. Most of us who've been divorced know how it goes, or at least how it went for us. It's pretty easy to tell when one is getting divorced versus 'talk'. Heh, darned easy.

 

Up to you how you want to process this. You're single. Lots of men out there and, IME, very few women go without offers. Try taking up some other offers without expectations nor pressure to drop any walls and simply socialize in a pleasant manner. This guy will still be around and you can change your mind about any person at any moment for any reason or no reason at all. Good luck!

[S2B]

Read your first two paragraphs - that is how anyone becomes an OM/OW.

 

You knew he was married yet you overstepped a clear boundary (continuing to share private and intimate info).

 

And now he has allowed HER to be back in the house and likely his daily life.

 

They are married! He hasn't filed for divorce. It's not final.

 

Until his divorce is final - he ISN'T available.

 

 

You can work on boundaries. No one allowed this to happen to you except you.

 

 

Think about it. You became personal and intimate with him. You knew he was married. You kept communicating with him. You slept with him. He says he's not really with her now but it looks like he is, again.

 

 

When do you stop being in contact with him? Decide - hopefully it's today.

 

Then don't contact anymore in any way.

 

 

He will either get his divorce finalized or he won't.

 

 

Until its final - start seeing available men.

[OWinLove]

I guess I should've worded the title "Why did I allow myself to become the OW?" Because I know I am the reason it happened. I allowed this to happen and everything that has happened up to this point was due to my own choices. I am accepting full responsibility for that and I know what I did was wrong. I feel that guilt everyday but if you ask me if I regret any of it....no I don't. Because I have developed something and experienced a love like nothing I've ever had before. All the moments we shared was worth all the sadness I might be feeling right now.

[Dancewithme]

When you decide to pursue an inappropriate relationship with a man committed to another, and seek your own happiness at the expense of someone else's (BS). That's how you allowed yourself to become an OW.

 

As my mom used to say, there are plenty of fish in the sea, so why develop a relationship with someone else's husband?

 

You have to really look deep within to answer your question. I think the fact that you asked it shows some tuggings of conscious on your part.

 

Your Mm is still married, and his family is still in his home. You don't know what's actually going on there, and yes, your situation could end up like the countless other OW's who were future-faked.

 

I agree to halt the relationship until this man is officially out of his marriage. Maybe you can use that time to explore your question of how you became/allowed yourself to become an OW. Meet other single men, go on dates. Maybe you will find being a OW isn't really your cup of tea.

 

I'm also concerned about your job. You've been in an affair with a man at work, his home life sounds like it has blown up. Juicy scandal for water-cooler gossip. Is there a possible repercussions, or resentment from other work colleagues? I'd be wary of having an illicit relationship of someone at my job. As they say, " don't s**t where you eat.

[loveboid]

It's too much for him to ask you to move closer to him. That's a red flag. If he is intent on seeing you permanently then 45 minutes wouldn't be a problem because he would plan to only do that for a little while and eventually move in with you.

 

If he is ready to divorce then there's no reason for you to move closer. He would divorce, make the 45 minute trips for a while and then propose and set up house with you.

 

45 minutes just makes it harder not impossible for him to see you. It's just more incentive to go ahead and divorce if he wants to spend more time with you.

[carhill]

I guess I should've worded the title "Why did I allow myself to become the OW?"

My supposition would be that your emotional attachment content and style superseded any boundaries you otherwise had regarding infidelity. That happens.

I feel that guilt everyday but if you ask me if I regret any of it....no I don't. Because I have developed something and experienced a love like nothing I've ever had before. All the moments we shared was worth all the sadness I might be feeling right now.

IMO, the guilt is the boundaries kicking back in. It's OK to process it out without regret and move on. The grief of relationship loss can be similar to any other relationship loss. You can make that choice.

 

What I've noticed in life is, because we as humans live life in a linear fashion, no two points in time or life are the same or can be compared from the standpoint of our psychology. We are, literally, different people at each moment along the continuum of our life. Hence, statements like 'a love I've never had before' are entirely accurate, from one person's perspective, because their life is linear and indeed they've never had that love before, as the person feeling, the milieu and the object of that love can never be the same at two points along the timeline. We feel what we feel when we feel and how we feel it and each is unique. The good news is, when this is resolved, you'll have the opportunity to experience love like you've never experienced it before again, and again, as long as you live. It's the beauty of being human and having choices.

[Sassy Girl]

Him asking you to move closer to him means he has no intention of going anywhere. He's not moving .... That's why he asked you to.... To uproot you and you kids, so he and his kids can have stability. Nice huh? Does that sound like someone who'd make a good stepfather to your kids? Doesn't sound like he cares about their wellbeing much.

 

Then again, you're hoping he walks out on. His kids, so reality is that no ones actually thinking about the kids are they?

 

And everything that dancewithme said.

Edited October 24, 2015 by Sassy Girl

[OWinLove]

The reason I'm moving closer to him were for a variety of reasons. One being it's a nicer area than where he lives, it's more suburban and quieter, the schools are better, neighborhoods are better, etc. I live in a more city area with a higher crime rate and have been looking to move out of my small apartment for awhile. The plan is he will move out as soon as he finds an apartment (which he said he hopes to do asap but we'll see) and then I was going to move down there after my daughter finishes this school year. Another reason is because he lives closer to my ex so the commute for weekend pickups would be easier. I don't think he's having me move because he is trying to get me closer to make things easier for him. It's mostly for my benefit and if we move in together it would be better to look for something by him because it's nicer.

[carhill]

As a landlord, I know there are hundreds to thousands of apartments for lease at any time in nearly any community of any size. Finding an apartment takes basically an afternoon; a house a couple days at most. Yup, even in a 'good school district', if that's important for the kids. It's nothing. A deposit and first month's rent, credit check that takes a minute and sign here. Done. In the time this thread has existed, the man could have an apartment leased and moved some of his stuff in there or picked it up cheap. Guys usually have male friends who contribute 'stuff' when such a move happens. We help each other out.

 

That's the difference between talk and do. I've been a MM. Heck I bought my exW a house and fixed it up for her. It's nothing. If a guy wants to move, he moves. If he doesn't, he doesn't. It's all outside of your control. IMO, every minute one spends wondering about what another person will or won't do has wasted a minute of their life they'll never get back. Yup, spend enough of those minutes and one can definitely become a long-term OW or OM. Been the latter too, decades ago. Wasted a lot of precious life. My advice? Try something else.

[anika99]

Again, does his wife know he had her move home just so he could move out?

[OWinLove]

I'm not really sure what the plan was and what she knows. I know they've talked about divorce in the past but when she moved back in recently I don't know what happened.

[Susmay]

Again, does his wife know he had her move home just so he could move out?

 

I'm not really sure what the plan was and what she knows. I know they've talked about divorce in the past but when she moved back in recently I don't know what happened.

 

Hmm... to me one of the biggest single indicators of an impending separation or divorce is that both of the spouses know about it, and that both know that it is actually happening not just a maybe.

 

As his future full-time partner you should not be left wondering about the state of a marriage he is claiming to be leaving.

[Sassy Girl]

I'm not really sure what the plan was and what she knows. I know they've talked about divorce in the past but when she moved back in recently I don't know what happened.

 

Don't you think you should know? You're investing your and your kids' future with him. You should know the details.

 

Honestly, are you going to put your kids through this when you don't even have any certainty? Or details? Or a plan. Why are you settling for so little from him and gambling yours and your kids futures on this?

[S2B]

I guess I should've worded the title "Why did I allow myself to become the OW?" Because I know I am the reason it happened. I allowed this to happen and everything that has happened up to this point was due to my own choices. I am accepting full responsibility for that and I know what I did was wrong. I feel that guilt everyday but if you ask me if I regret any of it....no I don't. Because I have developed something and experienced a love like nothing I've ever had before. All the moments we shared was worth all the sadness I might be feeling right now.

 

That's all fine but what if he doesn't move now?

 

What if they stay living together and get back together - and what if YOU move only to realize you're still his OW?

 

It happens - it happens a lot!

 

I wouldn't move and I wouldn't see him again until he moved and filed for divorce (papers you see).

 

Have a boundary and stick to that healthy boundary. It's possible he may not change a thing now...and you may find yourself stuck being with a man that has no intention of becoming available.

 

Ask him! Be upfront - this is your future and you have every right to see evidence that he is taking action to leave her.

 

But do not change your life for him unless he shows solid proof that he's getting divorced. Even still, many men go back to the marriage before its finalized - so it's still a gamble if you change your life to suit him before his D is finalized.

 

 

Be wise in your decisions - he could just stand still for years and you could be left being foolish over him...

 

 

I think a better question now is: How can I stop being his OW now?

 

If you're afraid to ask him how she ended up back in the house and why he hasn't moved yet - then your relationship isn't built on openness and honesty.

 

He should be OFFERING you those answers! Why isn't he being forthcoming about how their change transpired?

 

Has he kept in constant contact with you since she moved back in or does he seem to be communicating less than before when she was gone?

 

Is there that possibility that they are reconciling and he's afraid to tell you the truth?

Edited October 25, 2015 by S2B

[Poppy47]

I believe I have been in a somewhat similar situation to you.

 

My late husband had Alzheimer's disease for about 10 years. I had no other close relationship during that time.

 

MM and I met through an interest and immediately became friends and later lovers. He met my need for an intimate relationship at that time. I was not ready for a full time partner and have now decided I don't even want another one.

 

If Mm hasn't told his wife yet, I would hold very little hope of a divorce ever happening.

 

Don't disrupt your children or yourself without more evidence than he has given you. If his intentions are true, you should be full aware of what has happened.

I would ask him straight out... if you can't, a future relationship seems doomed to me.

Poppy

[goodyblue]

Just speaking from what happened with my h and me here so take from my experience what you wish. We were involved in an affair for a relatively short time, less than a year. We, from almost the beginning, had a concrete plan in place which included a timeline of how long I was willing to wait. Along the way I watched for progress, forward movement from him to be sure he was serious.

 

We agreed that When he left (we were 1700 miles apart) he would live in his own apartment and handle the divorce. We did this and at about that time I made the move with my kids to where he lives and he rented us a house while he stayed in his flat. Here,we dated with the understanding that I either of us could walk if things were not working. During this time we also went through some therapy to help ourselves with the guilt and to move on in a full relationship without the idea of being an affair couple following us in our minds. It was a lot of work.

 

BUT... We were serious. We knew where we were supposed to be and who we were meant to be with. We did the work.

 

If you want to stick this out and see if he is serious, then make sure to look for forward movement and have a timeline for yourself and be prepared to walk if he does not show you in actions that he is changing his life to be single and date you openly.Be prepared to walk if he is not following through.

 

This his not an easy road but for us It was worth it. I would make sure your kids don't attend the same schools, or have the same social circles. Of you move say far enough away that if things go south you don't see his wife at the grocery. And don't introduce your daughter for a good while yet.

 

If he leaves, plan on a messy couple of years and the possibility that he will just want to be single.

 

I have been married to my h for some time Now and we are happy. Just a normal couple and the fallout wasn't too bad. But it took planning and work. And honestly we both wish our relationship didn't have the tarnish of beginning from a not so great place. Also, it doesn't happen all that often. But it does happen. All about the work you put in.

 

If you plan on seeing this through, buckle up... It's about to get bumpy.

[sandylee1]

Why did neither file for D in the 3 months?

I agree you should not move until he's divorced. 45 minutes is not that far at all.

 

The thing you really don't know for sure. ..is has he actually discussed divorce with her.

 

And finally...as soon as possible can mean anything. He can find an apartment easily.

 

He can be divorced and still be a responsible committed father.

 

...One for the future...never make another woman's husband your confidant and solemate. It's wrong and you overstepped the mark.

[goodyblue]

Why did neither file for D in the 3 months?

I agree you should not move until he's divorced. 45 minutes is not that far at all.

 

The thing you really don't know for sure. ..is has he actually discussed divorce with her.

 

And finally...as soon as possible can mean anything. He can find an apartment easily.

 

He can be divorced and still be a responsible committed father.

 

...One for the future...never make another woman's husband your confidant and solemate. It's wrong and you overstepped the mark.

 

My h and his ex didn't file for almost 7 months. But, as I have stated previously, she wanted him back so that is why she never filed. Definite red flag. When I divorced we separated and I filed within the week.

[sandylee1]

My h and his ex didn't file for almost 7 months. But, as I have stated previously, she wanted him back so that is why she never filed. Definite red flag. When I divorced we separated and I filed within the week.

 

I can see why she never filed, but your H knew he wanted to D, so why wait 7 months to do so? It just delays things from moving on. If I were the OW, I'd be wondering if he was having second thoughts about it.

[goodyblue]

I can see why she never filed, but your H knew he wanted to D, so why wait 7 months to do so? It just delays things from moving on. If I were the OW, I'd be wondering if he was having second thoughts about it.

 

 

Part of the time he was travelling on business, the latter part he was getting his finances in order. We were all very aware their marriage was over. Everyone knew about me, we made no secret of it and we moved forward with our plans as we had them laid out. The d itself took another year. The houses and lproperty needed to be sold etc.

 

Our timeline went according to OUR plan. That is what mattered to us. And making sure his ex was taken care of financially at that time also was important. Because his daughter was in college at this time and only working part time, he was paying for four households. Lots to work out.

 

Progress. That wasvparamount to our moving forward. I would not have stayed had I not seen steady progress toward the end we envisioned.

[MissBee]

In any relationship you have to watch the words and actions of the person you're with and check it against what's happening in the relationship and against your own feelings, desires and life plans.

 

Listen to your own gut and try to check and verify as much as possible if the things he's saying are true and if his plans seem to be things he's actively working on, i.e. you see VISIBLE progress and actions or if they are things you cannot verify, cannot pin down, it's all ambiguous and you can't actually see any progress.

 

I agree with slowing down. You feel how you feel but you have control of how engrossed you get in it . You have to protect you first. That said, it would be wise to explain your feelings to him and explain why you're going to need to see positive forward actions before being all in, because you don't want to end up bamboozled. Quick story: a couple months ago I came here with a story about how I met a guy and he ended up being a cheater. Long story short he confesses the usual story which is that he is in a relationship and is in a "transition period" where it's ending, now what he said was believable for many reasons, however, that wasn't my problem. I had been an OW before and I knew that it was easy to just ignore the SO and believe what they're saying, invest your feelings anyway and hope for the best. I refused to do that. His relationship dramas were his business to sort out and I had to make the decision to put myself first, which meant extracting myself from it and telling him he could find me when he sorted that out but I wasn't willing to play OW regardless of how bad things were with them. It wasn't easy, because I really liked him and of course felt the pull to just believe it's bad and continue seeing him, but my good sense kicked in and I decided I couldn't do that.

 

All that to say, you have to put yourself in a position where you make sure you take care of you and where you have good boundaries. If you do this, if he ends up doing what he says he will you win, and if he ends up not doing what he says he will, you won't lose as badly as when you're neck deep, fully enmeshed and have allowed him to sell you a bill of rotten goods. You can still love him and have hope, so long as you also apply good sense and boundaries and check what he is saying against the actions, check for progress and have boundaries (not to force his hand, but for your own self worth) about what you will and won't allow.