Obsessive thoughts and temper tantrums

[NoMoreJerks]

I think this is where this thread belongs..

Here it goes...

I have been in a relationship that ended recently (broken up with twice). One of the things that led to worsening of things between us and ultimately to the break-up, I think, was the fact that I was having something I have never experienced before, and I am not sure what it was due to, and whether it was just a matter of being very frustrated and not knowing what to do about the relationship not satisfying me, or because of previous experience with a very *sshole ex who broke up with me 3 times, and used (physically) and abused me (emotionally), which meant that something was broken inside me after I got over that break-up, that messed up my relationships with other men. OR I have developed some sort of mental health issue.

 

I keep having temper tantrums. Like, really bad ones, sometimes over minor issues and at other times, because there was a real issue that most healthy people would also find problematic and get frustrated by, but not necessarily have temper tantrums as a result of.. What I mean by temper tantrums : it can be anything ranging from yelling, storming in and getting my stuff and basically breaking up, only for me to break down and cry and apologize; to something like, sitting in the corner and brooding because I didn't get to do what I wanted us to do, like, go to my favorite restaurant that I had set my mind on, because it was fully booked (the problem was that I had told my ex that we needed to book it ahead of time because it is a very popular restaurant and he hadn't confirmed his availability until last minute, as usual). The frustration was normal, I think, but not the way in which the frustration manifested itself.

 

I am wondering if someone has experienced this, in general or in relationships... or if your partner was exhibiting this sort of behavior, and how you dealt with it / managed it. I ask because in my case it really destroyed our relationship (it was not the only issue/problem, mind you) and his respect for me.

 

Also, another thing that I am having that is very recent as well, is obsessive thoughts. This can be related to the relationship : for example: if he had said something -- a comment about me or what I had done, usually a negative one or a criticism -- that got stuck in my head, and I kept thinking about it all day long and it got bigger and bigger in my head, and I got more and more upset about it, and then blew things out of proportion, created a huge fight about it.

 

OR: non-relationship related: I got the idea in my head that I wanted/needed an ipod. We had other plans for the day, we had rented a car, wanted to go to the zoo, but I wanted to first pass by Best Buy to buy an ipod even though it was totally a last minute idea I had had, and I didn't want to go to the zoo before I got the ipod. We went to several stores and they didn't have the one I wanted, so we went to one even further away, and finally got it, turned out it didn't have the feature I thought it had, so we had to return it later on that day. But in the meantime, we had spent so much time chasing ipods that we had gotten delayed to go to the zoo and got stuck in traffic, then he said he didn't feel like going to the zoo, and I said OK let's go back, but I was upset that we ruined our trip for that obsession, and had to return it to the store ANYWAY. So nothing got done all because of that silly obsessive thought about getting an ipod. Out of the blue. WEIRD.

 

I feel so bad. I feel my ex-partner was very patient with me at times, but no longer knew how to deal with this, or just didn't have the patience for it. It scares me, because I am not sure if our relationship got to that point BECAUSE it was messed up in the first place (because he wasn't as invested in it as I was, there were other issues, etc.) and that my behavior was the product of my unhappiness (partly anyway), OR: my behavior is what led to most of the problems and ultimately the breakup. I'd like to believe that it's the former , not the latter... because it is scary to think that I ruined it and that I will never be able to have a normal relationship anymore. Note: i Never did this with my previous ex, who never treated me right. Could it be that once I was treated well by a boyfriend, I started taking him for granted and was acting spoiled? I hope that's not the case. I keep second-guessing myself, wondering if that's what happened. But at the same time ,I don't think that was "normal" spoiled behavior... It's like, when it happened, I KNEW what was happening, I WANTED it to stop, I consciously told myself I HAD to stop, but I couldn't.

 

Anyone know what this might be? Is there some sort of condition ? Has anyone dealt with this? What can I do to help feel better / control these emotions /thoughts / behavior? I was never like this before.

[Downtown]

NMJ, given that your temper tantrums and loss of emotional control is a recent event, the most likely explanation is a recent hormone change. How old are you? How long ago did this loss of emotional control start? I ask because it is common for such flareups to occur during early adolescence -- and during adulthood when hormone surges are caused by pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, and perimenopause. (Another common cause is a new medication or drug abuse, neither of which you mention.)

[carhill]

IMO, if it's a recent and relatively sudden change, I'd suggest getting a physical performed and sharing your issues with your physician and asking them to order tests which can rule in or out organic causes, of which there can be many.

 

As an example, when I was caregiving, psychosis appeared to strengthen, meaning the frequency and clarity of delusions and hallucinations increased, when the patient was improperly medicated for their hypo (slow) thyroidism (hypothyrodic). The thyroid gland produces hormones and those hormones affect brain function. The patient was on pig thyroid, which varies in potency, so the doctor switched to a synthetic hormone with better results.

 

I'm not saying you're hypothyrodic or have any other organic malady but rather to rule such maladies in or out first before moving on to any psychological analysis. A medical doctor IMO is the most efficient means of doing that.

[NoMoreJerks]

NMJ, given that your temper tantrums and loss of emotional control is a recent event, the most likely explanation is a recent hormone change. How old are you? How long ago did this loss of emotional control start? I ask because it is common for such flareups to occur during early adolescence -- and during adulthood when hormone surges are caused by pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, and perimenopause. (Another common cause is a new medication or drug abuse, neither of which you mention.)

 

Hi Downtown. Thanks for the reply! I am 32. I am not pregnant or post-partum... I used to take birth control pills a few years ago; had to change my pills a year into taking them, to get on a stronger one because the previous pills led to severe bleeding, and then eventually got off them (been off them for the past 2.5 years). Since then, things have gradually gone downhill, but there are a lot of overlaps between 1) my ex cheating on me and me breaking up with him ; 2) me starting feeling useless in my studies and career prospects; 3) stopping birth control pills; 4) then getting into a relationship that was characterized by things that I had no experience dealing with (single dad, etc.). So I have a hard time pinpointing the source of the problem.

 

I have not noticed if the tantrums happen at particular times of the month (so not sure they are PMS-related). I have definitely noticed that they are more intense just before my periods, with random crying fits, needing to watch sad movies just to cry, etc. I did not have this sort of thing until fairly recently. I would say it started some time in the past 6 months (around April), a year into our relationship. I also felt like I had changed a bit: I was extremely introverted before, he sometimes had to drag words out of my mouth if I wanted to bring up an issue I was unhappy about. He had to keep guessing, because I just couldn't express the words. Then, all of a sudden, after a few times of this, after which he made me promise to from now on make an effort to talk to him, I started being less introverted. I lost any and all inhibition, but went from one extreme of introvertedness, to extreme temper tantrums when I was unhappy. It's like I still could not express myself and my unhappiness in a normal way, but this time I did express it and he knew loud and clear that I was unhappy and why. But I did it in a very destructive fashion. I have no idea how and why I went from one extreme to the other. It was not a conscious choice. Could it be that I had an overload of stress and frustration? And I don't know how to deal with it? There was definitely a lot that I was unhappy about in the relationship, or things that I found difficult to deal with / accept / cope with. The fact that I wanted to see him more, the fact that I felt he was not making as much effort as I wanted him to make, the fact that his son was not very accepting of me, the fact that I found it difficult to cope with the idea that he had a son, as much as I liked his son and wanted to accept the situation, the fact that he told me that he already had a child and didn't want one with ME, etc.

 

Maybe it was too much for me to handle? I generally do not do this sort of behavior around my friends though, but then again, I have very minimal interaction with my friends (who are not close friends, and who do not hang out much with me). Sometimes I do have these sorts of obsessive thoughts/feelings when I am alone, but they are related to the relationship (obsessive thoughts about what he said, perceived snubs from his friends or his son, etc.), or otherwise happen when I am with him (e.g. the ipod thing), but for no obvious reason (unrelated to the relationship). I am at a loss as to why this has happened.

 

Sometimes I wish I had kept things to myself. Things were much better when I kept them in and left him wondering why I was not in a good mood. I don't know. I mean, he seemed to respect me more, to have more attraction for me... I also have a lot of stress and feelings of incompetence regarding my career prospects. I am 32 and still a student and having a hard time progressing on my doctoral degree. So I have a lot of stress about where I am going with my life, never having had a job outside of academia, and not very hire-able at this point if I choose to quit my program. I think part of it might have to do with that -- frustration, and the need / desire for someone to comfort and encourage me. He has been supportive, saying that I am brilliant, intelligent, etc., we have worked together, so that he would encourage / motivate me to work, him doing his work at the same time as I did mine, etc. but that has not lasted for a long time. I also felt like I was getting him down with my constant brooding about my career, etc., so I started keeping it to myself. I had a few panic attacks and crying fits, when I had a deadline from my supervisor, to send my work, and I couldn't finish it, so I called my bf/ex and started crying, and he was at his place, having drinks with his friends, and asked me to come over. It made me feel slightly better, took my mind off things, but not for a very long time. I still felt guilty about escaping from the work. Also, I feel like I got very clingy to him, when I needed to use my time alone to work, etc., because I did not want to face my dissertation work. So it was an excuse to procrastinate -- a subconscious need to see him, frustration that I wasn't seeing him enough, etc. (though it was true that we weren't seeing each other that much, but I feel there was more to it than that ; partly it was an excuse for me to procrastinate as well). Overall, I have been feeling rather sh*tty. Have self-esteem issues. That I am not smart enough, good enough, etc. I have always had these issues, but they have gotten worse with the PhD. I once told my bf/ex that I didn't love myself. I guess it's no wonder that I managed to push away someone who loved me, because maybe on some level, I couldn't believe how someone could love me? I don't know. And then again at times I felt like he didn't really love me, otherwise how could he have broken up with me twice, the second time in the most cruel manner? Or were my tantrums responsible for that? I have no idea. What a mess.

 

I also have wondered if I am BPD to some extent. I have abandonment issues and panicked every time I felt like he wasn't living up to my standards of contact/seeing me, etc. I have also in the past 2 years, been an impulsive spender. So much so that it has gotten out of control and I have wasted a lot of my savings, and now worry what will happen if I can't find a real job. Sometimes I also alternate between expecting/demanding respect because I feel I am entitled to it, and feeling like I deserve to be walked on.

[NoMoreJerks]

IMO, if it's a recent and relatively sudden change, I'd suggest getting a physical performed and sharing your issues with your physician and asking them to order tests which can rule in or out organic causes, of which there can be many.

 

As an example, when I was caregiving, psychosis appeared to strengthen, meaning the frequency and clarity of delusions and hallucinations increased, when the patient was improperly medicated for their hypo (slow) thyroidism (hypothyrodic). The thyroid gland produces hormones and those hormones affect brain function. The patient was on pig thyroid, which varies in potency, so the doctor switched to a synthetic hormone with better results.

 

I'm not saying you're hypothyrodic or have any other organic malady but rather to rule such maladies in or out first before moving on to any psychological analysis. A medical doctor IMO is the most efficient means of doing that.

 

Hi Carhill,

 

Thanks for the reply! I have not talked to a Dr. about this particular issue, but I did have a physical around the time it started -- in April. I went to the Dr. to get checked up, because I was feeling very tired all the time,

felt sleepy, and was gaining weight for no good reason, etc. I was wondering if I had thyroid issues, so that was something I got tested for, alongside a full physical / blood examination. The results came back normal, except for Vitamin B12 deficiency, which is hereditary. The Dr. prescribed B12 vitamins. I took them until recently and didn't notice any change, and I was putting on a lot of weight still, even more than before, so I stopped taking them. But that's about it. I don't know if they can do tests on particular issues that a regular physical might not include. I hadn't mentioned my mood issues/tantrums/obsessiveness to the Dr., so maybe there were other things I could've been tested for if I had told her that? I don't know.

[carhill]

Here's another example from the annals of how little things can make big differences....

 

Scar tissue on the temporal lobe caused both restricted image processing as well as seeing images which weren't there. Imagine some scar tissue like you'd have from a cut that healed over, except on your brain. In journaling and discussions with a neuropsychometrist, I discovered that a developing blood mass on the brain had occurred, forensically, at nearly the same time as the observed behavioral changes, generally outbursts of temper, obsessive thoughts and general agitation.

 

In another case, this with a female friend, both she and we (people who knew her well) observed behavioral changes which were remarkable in her. She went in for comprehensive tests and was found to have a number of small cancerous tumors on her brain. They were removed surgically and she's currently under treatment and her personality has returned to it's prior and historically stable state.

 

These are examples of how disparate organic causes can affect the brain. Most of what I learned about this stuff came from brain specialists, not general practitioners. Neurologists, psychiatrists, nueropsychometrists and similar. They were the ones who examined body chemistry, environment, genetics, age and psychological factors to come to conclusions and, yep, did all that expensive stuff like MRI's, CAT scans, PET scans and similar.

 

My rule now is, if an observed change in health doesn't resolve in a few weeks, get it examined until a definitive diagnosis is found. I doubt your issue is anything serious or life threatening, rather something annoying to you and possibly interfering with your relationships.

 

Since you didn't mention your observed mood changes to the doctor, perhaps revisit the issue if it hasn't resolved and get a referral for more brain-focused analysis.

 

Some quick and dirty everyday stuff:

 

Changes in:

1. Diet

2. Consumption of chemicals that affect the brain, like nearly any drug, alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, etc.

3. Blood sugar

4. Environment at home and work. This can be air, fluids, solids. Use a new cleaner or laundry detergent? Sounds far fetched, right? Heh.

 

Anyway, my bet is it will resolve, one way or another. The human body is a pretty amazing machine, though it sometimes does need some help.

[Downtown]

I also have wondered if I am BPD to some extent.

Yes you are, NMJ. We all are to some extent. That's why BPD is called a "spectrum" disorder. At low levels, BPD traits are protective ego defenses and are essential to our survival. They become a problem only when they are so strong and persistent that they undermine one's ability to form and maintain close LTRs. And, of course, the behaviors you describe -- lack of impulse control, lack of self esteem, temper tantrums, black-white thinking, and inability to regulate emotions -- are classic BPD symptoms (i.e., BPD warning signs).

 

Yet, when these traits have greatly worsened in the past year or two in a 32 year old woman, you are NOT describing a persistent, lifetime problem (i.e., that caused by childhood trauma and an inherited genetic predisposition). Rather, you are describing a temporary flareup of your BPD traits.

 

Significantly, it is common for mentally healthy people to be at various points on the BPD spectrum at various points in their lives. When we are young children, for example, we behave like BPDers 24/7 due to our emotional immaturity. Most of us start behaving that way again for several years during our early teens, largely due to the hormone surge. And we can experience other temporary flareups of these traits -- lasting a year or two -- during pregnancy, postpartum, PMS, or perimenopause. Although much less common, such BPD flareups also can result from the hormone effects of a drug or, more rarely, a head injury.

 

Overall, I have been feeling rather sh*tty. Have self-esteem issues. That I am not smart enough, good enough, etc. I have always had these issues, but they have gotten worse with the PhD. I once told my bf/ex that I didn't love myself.

Well, anything is possible -- and the stress certainly isn't helping. But let's face it: you are an amazingly gifted woman to have flourished in an academic setting. As to the PhD program, the hardest part usually is getting admitted into the program, not completing the program. If you were not capable of handling it, they would never have let you in the door.

 

Hence, before concluding that you have a lurking emotional issue uncovered by your recent stresses, please take the advice that Carhill and I gave you about seeing a doctor regarding your hormone levels. Because your general physician has already given you a physical exam and a few standard blood tests, I suggest you bypass him and go directly to an endoctrinologist.