e4u Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I’ve always been anything but controlling in my relationships. If my gf wanted to go hang with her friends (male or female) without me or because I couldn’t go, I never said no and always wanted her to truly have fun while I wasn’t there. I didn’t want to put a leash on her as I know that is a suffocating thing to do. This thinking has backfired one me serially-so, with multiple ex’s meeting guys they would cheat on me with while they were out without me. They knew fidelity is important to me, I trusted them 100% to be adults, they cheated. I’m tired of being cheated on by all these women. The only relationships I know of that have lasted a very long time, with absolutely no hint of infidelity, have been couples who would NEVER allow one another to be in the company of a member of the opposite sex (married or otherwise) without their presence, let alone permission. I know several such couples. Both the men and women in these relationships follow this rule to the core and both, without fail, expect their partner to always be with them when a member of the opposite sex is around. I always thought this was a very controlling thing to do and never dared come near that. But I’m now beginning to think that this is the only way to have a healthy, trusting, cheat-free relationship. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
almond Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I’ve always been anything but controlling in my relationships. If my gf wanted to go hang with her friends (male or female) without me or because I couldn’t go, I never said no and always wanted her to truly have fun while I wasn’t there. I didn’t want to put a leash on her as I know that is a suffocating thing to do. My boyfriend and I are both like this. Almost eight years together now...both still happy and in love, and no trust issues at all. Not once have either of us ever felt that the other was inappropriate in any way when it comes to members of the opposite sex, because we're not. I don't think I could have it any other way to be honest. Sounds like you're choosing the wrong girls. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
basil67 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 It's the "allowing" thing which is controlling. However, if you find a partner who is in agreement that limited socialising with opposite sex is the way forward, you're probably onto a winner. It's about finding someone who is on your wavelength - it's not about putting reigns on someone who doesn't have the same outlook as you. Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) I would question healthy....i would question trusting...because you arent really allowing trust or healthy to exist.....or in fact realistic i would also question.... realistic is because life is full of temptation and challenge.........and i know you say you know several such couples......several such couples who dont face temptation by making sure that MOST opportunity for temptation never arises...like an ostrich thing...... ostriches do eventually have sex though.....they take their head out of the sand just once enough to see a handsome opposite sex member ...and voila...baby ostriches.... you can be vigilant and loyal to a relationship without having your partner there...you just pretend they are right beside you or that your parents are right in front of you watching.....would you say or do something with them there no...... it should be that way in a relationship without your other half there......that is putting others aside always in any situation with any temptation and also any challenge to the relationship that crops up you have to be able to think about what is important to you both and make the right choices in the absence of your partner...because they arent available for their input...and a relationship is two sided.... relationships dont last in the absence of issues...relationships last because you know how to weather the storms.......you know hwo to distance yourself from harmful situations.......how can you know how to sail in stormy seas if you dont allow yourself off drydock......one day you or your partner will have to push off dry dock and test the metal of your relationship....test the strength face the waters .....the sharks in the bay..... my honest opinion is you dont feed sharks and throw yourself aroudn int eh water like a caught fish ,sharks they go away........you certainly dont piss in the water.......i do also have a theory though that if you dance like a spanish sea slug and wear really really bright colors like red stripes and yellow underbelly when trapped in the water with a shark it might think twice about biting into you.....or they might not give a damn.......and take your leg anyways..... the point of the diatribe above is to say....if you see a shark fin in the water....whether your partner is there or not...you dont get in the water in the first place.....thats just easy and safe i remember being at this party with a bf.....he left me for a little while...five minutes later a guy was hard at it trying to crack on to me.....opportunity arises to cheat.......it always will in life............you just dont accept it...you steer clear...distance yourself...find your partner or do what you have to do to remember there are two of you involved not just yourself in a relationship.......think your partner is with you...think your mum in her spectacled glory is looking right at you....you do what you have to do in the face of temptation.......and if you cant do it alone........i would be pretty sure to say.......theres going to be issues in the relationship regardless of babysitting tactics.....its not clever strategy to think you can avoid all temptation....its a better strategy to remember what to do when it does....because it always will...its inevitable ....and its in the nature of the beast to make sure temptation is there..... there are women who believe in monogamy...as there are men who do ...you just have to find one who is right for you......deb. Edited October 25, 2015 by todreaminblue Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I’ve always been anything but controlling in my relationships. If my gf wanted to go hang with her friends (male or female) without me or because I couldn’t go, I never said no and always wanted her to truly have fun while I wasn’t there. I didn’t want to put a leash on her as I know that is a suffocating thing to do. This thinking has backfired one me serially-so, with multiple ex’s meeting guys they would cheat on me with while they were out without me. They knew fidelity is important to me, I trusted them 100% to be adults, they cheated. I’m tired of being cheated on by all these women. The only relationships I know of that have lasted a very long time, with absolutely no hint of infidelity, have been couples who would NEVER allow one another to be in the company of a member of the opposite sex (married or otherwise) without their presence, let alone permission. I know several such couples. Both the men and women in these relationships follow this rule to the core and both, without fail, expect their partner to always be with them when a member of the opposite sex is around. I always thought this was a very controlling thing to do and never dared come near that. But I’m now beginning to think that this is the only way to have a healthy, trusting, cheat-free relationship. Thoughts? This isn't living in the real world. How about self control, no matter what the situation/temptation...? Some of us have it. Give us some credit for being decent. No, trying to control everything isn't realistic or even remotely 'normal'. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Lois_Griffin Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 The only relationships I know of that have lasted a very long time, with absolutely no hint of infidelity, have been couples who would NEVER allow one another to be in the company of a member of the opposite sex (married or otherwise) without their presence, let alone permission. I know several such couples. With all due respect, just because you don't know of any of these couples having dealt with infidelity DOESN'T mean they haven't. It just means they may not have chosen to share that information with you. Secondly, unless you're attached at the hip to all these people, you don't know WHAT they're doing 24 hours a day. For all you know, one of them is having quickies in the supply cabinet at work and going home every night to their spouse with no one the wiser. In short - you only know what these couples WANT you to know. Both the men and women in these relationships follow this rule to the core and both, without fail, expect their partner to always be with them when a member of the opposite sex is around. That's such a ridiculous premise. That'd be the DAY my husband called me in a panic because the realtor lady dropped by and he 'can't be alone with her.' Am I supposed to drop everything and leave work suddenly, get in my car and drive home like some disordered maniac just so my husband - God forbid - isn't left alone with the realtor lady? What's she going to do - eat him? That is so utterly pathetic. I'm not living like that and I pity anyone foolish enough to police their spouse like that. Your problem is you keep picking bad choices for girlfriends. You must have a 'type' that you keep picking - and keep getting bad results. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 If you mutually and willingly agree to rules for the relationship, then there is nothing wrong with that. If you try to impose rules or insist on rules that the other does not want, then it is controlling. Negotiate, agree, and also agree on consequences if the rules are broken - intentionally, or not. For example, breaking the rule of not spending time alone in private with someone of the opposite sex usually means having to permanently give up that relationship. I have never had anyone cheat on me in a monogamous relationship, even though we've always allowed opposite sex friendships with few constraints. Presently, we are consensual non-monogamists (open relationship), but even we have rules and boundaries. We agree that we can see other people alone in a variety of circumstances, but always tell each other in advance, and we can veto anything if we feel the need. If we choose to have a polyamorous relationship, then different rules would apply - but the minimum needed to assure mutual comfort and respect. Link to post Share on other sites
Friskyone4u Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 e4u Whoever comes up with a "fool proof" strategy to prevent cheating will be so rich so quick it will be a true wonder of the world. The best chances to avoid infidelity are to have open communication and dialogue with your girlfriend or spouse. And that includes HONEST and truthful conversation about how you feel about infidelity. Most folks of both sexes would probably state that infidelity was a "deal breaker', but in fact most people DO NOT immediately leave upon discovery and just move on. We are all impacted by past experiences. In your case of having been burned a few times, there is nothing wrong with you having a discussion with a girlfriend you are getting close to on what YOUR definition of exclusivity in a relationship is. you cannot lock her in the house and keep her away from all men. But there is nothing wrong with having the opinion and expectation that your girlfriend will not make a habit of going out hanging out and drinking in mixed company with out you. Does that make you assured that it could never happen again. no it does not. But is does reduce the chances that your girlfriend is going to be in an environment where the opportunity and temptation present themselves and where she is surrounded by others who are not attached. no one has a crystal ball, and there are no guarantees you can get that are ironclad no matter what you do. Cheating unfortunately has been around since Adam & eve, and ain't going away anytime soon. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 The only relationships I know of that have lasted a very long time, with absolutely no hint of infidelity, have been couples who would NEVER allow one another to be in the company of a member of the opposite sex (married or otherwise) without their presence, let alone permission. But I’m now beginning to think that this is the only way to have a healthy, trusting, cheat-free relationship. I suppose this strategy assures that there is no cheating but it's not healthy or trusting. Your original approach was far better. Unfortunately you picked partners who were not worthy of that trust. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 People with integrity & good morals don't cheat on their spouses, no matter what. Be that type of person & only date those type of people and you don't have to worry. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Stepping on the slippery slope is what having opposite sex friendships. So many affairs start by having opposite sex friends. Example so many affairs have started with mixed sports and mixed recreational activities. Going to "meet markets" aka bars, clubs, places where people go out to with single friends places you in a position to get hit on and or tempted to do some hitting of your own. Good fences makes good neighbors. Good boundaries makes good relationships. People that play the controlling game are people that do not want to be able to be held accountable. As with those that have nothing to hide hide nothing. Those that are not doing anything wrong do not have problems being held accountable. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
LookAtThisPOst Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I wouldn't want my g/f to spend time alone with a member of the opposite sex without my present. I wouldn't wish for her to do so, as there are boundaries when it comes to this kind of thing. Link to post Share on other sites
GunslingerRoland Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Where are your girlfriends going without you that they are meeting all of these other guys? Are they hanging out at the bar? If that's the case, I wouldn't say it's a case of saying no you can't go, it's a matter of stop dating women who hang out at the bar. The bar is for people under 25 or single. I know lots of couples where the two people do separate things, but it's a matter of the type of activities it is. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 There is absolutely no chance of me cheating on my boyfriend if I were to hang out with someone of the opposite sex without him there. Why? Because, I'm loyal, love and respect my boyfriend, and I'm not a cheater. We are long distance so there are many instances that we go out without each other. It's typical to be around people of the opposite gender, although it's always in a group. It comes down to trust and choosing someone whom you trust. Obviously, the girls you have chosen were not trustworthy. Rather than look at your approach to "allowing" them to go out, I would look at your standards and how and why you're choosing girls who would cheat. Because, a cheater will cheat regardless of the parameters chosen for them by their boyfriend/girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
kjohn Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 It's definitely not the only way to have a healthy, trusting, cheat-free relationship. I would recommend that you spend some time examining the "type" of women that you have been choosing to get into relationships with. If they are willing to cheat, they are not trustworthy or loyal people. A healthy, trusting, cheat-free relationship would start with two health, trustworthy people who are capable of being around friends of the opposite sex without ever having the though of cheating enter into their mind because it is an immoral thing to do. Maybe you have a tendency to choose women who cheat. Try to find a different type of woman next time. You don't have to be shackled to your significant other every second of every day to prevent cheating. Cheating is a choice. Date somebody who chooses loyalty instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 There is absolutely no chance of me cheating on my boyfriend if I were to hang out with someone of the opposite sex without him there. Why? Because, I'm loyal, love and respect my boyfriend, and I'm not a cheater. This. I've been in both types of relationships. No cheating in both. The restricted one that insecurity led to our breakup. After awhile it wasn't just socializing with the opposite sex. He didn't feel comfortable with me socializing with anyone. His logic is that I could be a closet lesbian after all so I shouldn't have any friends. I've also been on one where the guy didn't care what I did as long as he knew I was safe. He was quite the flirt too but it never bothered me. We had a lot more open discussions that made me feel more secure. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 You just need to draw a line and have a no tolerance policy towards cheating. If a woman cheats on me once it is over and I mean it. When they know you are serious about it things tend to fall in place. Link to post Share on other sites
JustGettingBy Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 The only relationships I know of that have lasted a very long time, with absolutely no hint of infidelity, have been couples who would NEVER allow one another to be in the company of a member of the opposite sex (married or otherwise) without their presence, let alone permission. I know several such couples. I think you must be forgetting plenty of relationships, simply because if someone's relationship is 'going good', they seldom talk about it. Confirmation bias is also likely playing a role in your viewpoint. Link to post Share on other sites
Author e4u Posted November 1, 2015 Author Share Posted November 1, 2015 Ok, please indulge me...several of you have said something very similar to: "Maybe you have a tendency to choose women who cheat."... What do you mean by this? How can you possibly tell from the start? When this happened to me, we both verbally agreed from the very start of our dating (by date 3) that fidelity was important to both of us...so that's not it. None of these girls were dressing like skanks, or clubbers, or flirts (in front of me), or etc....none of that stereotypical Hollywood "she's definitely the type to cheat" stuff... So, please tell me, what am I missing? What is the secret to NOT choosing women who cheat right off of the bat so that I don't waste time finding out later they are the type that cheat. Because it seems to me that unless you try it out, you just won't know, in which case I must be having horrific luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Clarence_Boddicker Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 Ok, please indulge me...several of you have said something very similar to: "Maybe you have a tendency to choose women who cheat."... What do you mean by this? How can you possibly tell from the start? When this happened to me, we both verbally agreed from the very start of our dating (by date 3) that fidelity was important to both of us...so that's not it. None of these girls were dressing like skanks, or clubbers, or flirts (in front of me), or etc....none of that stereotypical Hollywood "she's definitely the type to cheat" stuff... So, please tell me, what am I missing? What is the secret to NOT choosing women who cheat right off of the bat so that I don't waste time finding out later they are the type that cheat. Because it seems to me that unless you try it out, you just won't know, in which case I must be having horrific luck. Keep your eyes wide open. Don't get blinded by your infatuation & lust. The precursor to cheating is always lying. Cheating & lying is a symptom of a lack of moral turpitude. It's not hard to accurately assess someone's moral character, once you get to know them. In my opinion you're having issues, because you want to cake eat. You want an easy sex partner, yet demand fidelity. That almost never works out in real life. Most people that have sex early in a relationship, end up cheating or ending the relationship soon, to move on to their next partner. If a person has a history of having short relationships & being the dumper, why would you expect a LTR from them? Link to post Share on other sites
No Limit Posted November 1, 2015 Share Posted November 1, 2015 There is no strategy. The person you are with has to genuinely not want to have sex with others. They need to want to be faithful themselves, everything else is futile. Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 You've just been unlucky. I really can't stand being stifled in a relationship. I'm married, but my H and I don't smoother each other. I see those couples who go everywhere together..in fact a colleague of mine and her husband never go out without each other. She won't go to a hen night and he won't go to a stag night. I couldn't live like that...but it seems to work for them. Being in a relationship shouldn't mean you can't talk to a member of the opposite sex. I hope you being easy with them hanging out..didn't make them think you didn't care. It's always good to be vigilant. Link to post Share on other sites
hippychick3 Posted November 2, 2015 Share Posted November 2, 2015 Ok, please indulge me...several of you have said something very similar to: "Maybe you have a tendency to choose women who cheat."... What do you mean by this? How can you possibly tell from the start? When this happened to me, we both verbally agreed from the very start of our dating (by date 3) that fidelity was important to both of us...so that's not it. None of these girls were dressing like skanks, or clubbers, or flirts (in front of me), or etc....none of that stereotypical Hollywood "she's definitely the type to cheat" stuff... So, please tell me, what am I missing? What is the secret to NOT choosing women who cheat right off of the bat so that I don't waste time finding out later they are the type that cheat. Because it seems to me that unless you try it out, you just won't know, in which case I must be having horrific luck. I don't think there is a fool-proof method. However, there are questions and topics that can be discussed on a first date that will give you some kind of insight. In a matter of fact way (not accusatory), ask about previous relationships she had and how they ended. Ask if anyone cheated in that relationship and what her overall views are about infidelity and if or when it is ever justified. Her answers along with good intuition will give you a lot of good info to decide if she is good relationship material. I did this on all my first dates if I thought the guy had potential. I have great intuition skills and that, along with his responses to my inquiries, gave me a lot of useful information. I'm sure some guys didn't appreciate it, but it didn't stop them from asking me out again (including my current bf of 2 plus years who later told me he was a little put-off by those questions but certainly didn't stop him from wanting to see me again). The end result is I'm with someone whom I totally 100% trust. Link to post Share on other sites
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