At my age should i worry

[MIKEB1950]

Having made it this far what can i expect; married 40 years five children not all are independent but had great educations. I was a very high earner so my wife stayed home for first 25 years of marriage. Now she never was that into sex in a way that would be considered normal for someone with her looks and body which she kept in great shape. I should add at this point that a few months before we tied the knot when she was 18 she had the hottest[her term] of affairs with a guy 20 years her senior. I knew nothing of it i was somewhat naive and inexperienced virgin. Her description of her affair was to her brothers wife who she lived with this woman warned me with "you are not her first and i thought you might be her last but be careful".

 

Well i was so naive i thought we'd get over it - it sucked at the time but i was determined in work and love back then and felt i could conquer the world and this was a glitch.

 

During our marriage sex was not high on my now wife's agenda she did not work out of the home and i found myself doing loads in home as well as out of it and she would always say she was tired. the kids all went to high ended paid for schools and were dropped off and collected until two of them boarded.

 

i would reckon that we were intimate twice a month on good months and often never and if i initiated anything and my wife was not in the mood shed say oh DIY and turn round. When we did have sex it was pretty perfunctory and gave me the impression that she just did it to keep me from saying any more. it was always with her back to me and never any different. I tried everything to add some spice, toys, vibes foreplay; she did not like oral either way. I know what some are thinking five kids i must have been fertile and no i never ever got any of then checked.

 

now 10 years ago i sort of dropped out of mainstream working and started my own consultancy with a view to being at home so we could spend more time enjoying the fruits of previous success. No sooner had i done this when my wife said she was going to University she was brilliant did her degree then took up big job. She is hardly ever in - and weekends are spent with a couple of her chums, she joined a gym, she is having treatments [cosmetic] sunbeds and just returned from a holiday in the sun with her friends in a spa centre enjoying in particular massages from male therapists which she delighted in telling me about.

 

Look i am happy for her but just would like to share a little more of that in the bed department - however we have not been intimate now in anyway shape or form for 6 years and she has her own room.

 

Were I am now is at that stage of reflection of years wasted and it is not good, she will never talk about the past since there is nothing that can be done about it we need to deal with today so we enjoy the future and i am certain she will - oh and this week she bought a new two seater sports roadster she says her and her friend will enjoy trips in the warmer weather with roof down.

 

she is a young 59 and me well i am feeling like a very very old 66. I do not think she is having an affair but how would i know i dont snoop or ask for info i simply find most things out after they happen.

 

the point of this post - well good question - one might say i should have read the signs much earlier and took on board her brothers ex wifes comments and maybe got out but maybe and should's are simply not good enough.

[spanz1]

it is hard to comment. from those few items you mentioned, it sounds like she never saw you as a good sexual partner. And you put up with the infrequent sex without complaint. Now in the autumn of your life you somehow think you can turn that all around. you have some sort of dream of you two being all lovey dovey at home.

 

But she does not see you that way at all. she does not want more contact with you. dislikes being at home with you.

 

 

Is she having and affair, or multiple affairs with other men/women? Or is she just good looking but asexual? hard to tell. But I think the woman that you thought you were married to all these years is not the woman she really is. in this case, you trying to be around her more now is too little, too late

 

 

at this point, after years and years of this, the only hope you have is some professional couples counselling. Obviously you will not be able to discuss this truthfully amongst yourselves, or it would have happened by now.

[Poutrew]

From the way you have written about her, I'd say she has some anger issues. She doesn't love you at all. You were just a safe, dull male she attached to for social approval. The bad part of all this is how many years you put up with all this. The good part of all this is that you are starting to wake up. In order to get a more full appraisal of her true condition, you will need to get Charlie Browns dog, Snoopy, on her ass. Key log the computer, and use voice activated recorders, although in a two seat sportster, you probably wont pick up anything but engine noise. It sounds as though you can afford to hire a private investigator: do so. I think you will be simply astounded by the results you obtain. Then, separate finances and divorce her. Then spend the rest of your life having FUN> You truly deserve it.

 

 

Good luck, my friend.

[Lois_Griffin]

Well, she got a taste of an experienced older lover when she was 18 and that probably set the bar way too high for a young virgin such as yourself. Unfortunately, it sounds as though she set you up for failure before you even got a chance to hit the floor running. By the same token, I couldn't imagine having 5 kids or the internal damage that must do to a woman's body, but something tells me she was probably MORE than done with sex after having that many kids.

 

Sadly, I have to go with the other poster who said she went with the safe, financially secure option (you) back when she was 18.

 

Please don't feel remorse now for marrying her 40 years ago. It would be awfully sad for you to regret an entire lifetime of memories and family and shared goals and grandchildren and on and on just because sex wasn't the hot focal point of your marriage.

 

Your wife seems to be having a late in life crisis rather than a mid-life crisis. After 25 years of being married to a house and children, she simply wanted to see what more she was capable of doing. She's doing now what you did back in your youth - getting educated, moving up the corporate ladder and enjoying the fruits of her labor. You're both just doing it at different stages of your lives, is all.

 

I really don't get the affair vibe from your post. But I do feel badly for your sadness.

[MIKEB1950]

thanks to all who took the trouble to read my position - its food for thought to get other perspectives as if i might have done too much thinking in recent past. It is correct to say that there are joys at this time in my life and most of that is shared time [i get lots] with my grandchildren eight of them [we lost one very young] but they range from 20 right down to expected in /february. Gosh i hope they keep what they bring me for a long time.

 

Lois hit a few areas - I never wanted to consider the events too much at 18 but my wife did flirt with facebook looking up the guys name she did tell me and i reminded her he would be 80 if still here.

 

But truly thanks for writing what you did - i will not get a divorce that would seem pointless and as for finances well we are lucky I guess and able to almost live separate lives under the same roof but we need to ensure that does not reflect in any way against the wider family.

 

appreciated all your thoughts

[sandylee1]

As 6 years with no intimate has passed - it would appear that you have accepted it to be normal.

 

Is this how you're going to live the rest of your life?

[Candice Luna]

I'd like to add that many women close to your age are looking for love and companionship.

 

I understand you don't want to divorce, and it's great that you have a rich family life with grandchildren, etc. But consider convincing your wife to go to couples counselling together. The goal would be to have a honest dialog with your wife and eventually, both of you could have companions, while staying in the marriage. She clearly doesn't want to spend time with you, but that doesn't mean that you should feel alone! You deserve to have companionship, and at 66, that very doable. In fact, at any age, it's doable

I hope things work out for you.

Edited October 25, 2015 by Candice Luna

[Popsicle]

Escorts have hundreds of clients like you. I'm sure at least half of their job is listening to the men vent about the marital situation they are in.

[mystikmind2005]

I want to thank the OP for his story.

 

My ex moved out last January after 6 years of marriage and a 3 year old daughter.

 

But the OP's story, has such huge similarity too me, it is a massive 'what if' heads up regarding where i would most likely have ended up if it had not ended.

 

Some women are just determined not to make an effort in the bedroom or work on solving whatever issues they are having. They have decided you are not worth it. In my case, that happened even before we got married but i did not understand at the time.

[MIKEB1950]

wow you know when i first posted my situation what did I expect - if I am honest some ridicule for staying in a relationship that seemed was not meant to be. For harboring a sort of grief without doing anything about it [i am in business a doer].

 

I am so humbled and empowered that firstly people read what I had written and took the trouble to make empathetic, reasoned and honest replies and to now have someone "thank me" for my post is remarkable.

 

I am certain that at all ages people in and out of relationships struggle to believe that anyone else is "at this place" and when you find that the world is awash with issues being handled in all sorts of ways it sure puts my position in perspective.

 

so thank you again for taking the trouble to reply - i might now just book that skiing holiday i was going to miss -

[Siquijor]

She doesn't love you at all. You were just a safe, dull male she attached to for social approval.

 

Sorry Mike but I have to agree with most of this, although I won't label you dull as I don't know you properly. I also think her main attraction to you was your high earner status.

[oldshirt]

Escorts have hundreds of clients like you. I'm sure at least half of their job is listening to the men vent about the marital situation they are in.

 

If you simply refuse to divorce and make a life for yourself, then I also reccommend obtaining the services of professionals.

 

Look, you have already been supporting and paying the way for a gold digger that didn't love or have any sexual desire for you for 40 years and you didn't get any good sex in that whole time.

 

With a professional, you pay cash up front and then get whatever you want on your terms.

 

You've already been dealing with one form of prostitution for 40 years and have not even came close to getting your money's worth. This is simply paying up front and getting every pennies worth and then some.

[oldshirt]

Also if I may offer some wisdom here, the only thing worse than being yolked to a cold, sexless, gold digger for 40 years, is being yolked to her for 41.

 

If having proof and finding out that she has been unfaithful will help you decide to leave, then hire a PI that specializes in infidelity. I guarantee you from the bottom of my heart that she has not been anywhere near as sexless throughout your marriage as you have been.

[PinkInTheLimo]

I think she likes life you offer her. The stability, the money. But she does not feel passion for you. She probably likes you but not more than that.

 

When you makes arrangements to spend more time with her, she finds something that takes her away from you.

 

This woman is capable of passion, proof is her affair. She does however not feel any passion for you. If you love a guy, you want to have sex with him, take if from me.

 

My advice: divorce her. As a man of 66 who has been a loyal husband to his wife, you will find plenty of women who are interested in you, women your age, women older, women younger. And if you happen to find a woman that is really passionately in love with you, you will finally know how it feels to have a woman that loves you with her heart, soul and body. You've been on a diet of crumbs and you will finally be able to get a full meal. Do it before you die.

 

Whenever I read a topic like that, I want to scream. Because I have been single for quite a while now and I know I can give a lot of love. But somehow it is always those selfish women who leave their men hanging for some affection and sex that are in relationships. And I know these women: always complaining, looking with contempt to the single gals.