Wife had 6 month affair with coworker

[Dyeinghere]

I really wished I had packed her up took her to her parents and let her know that she needed to decide if our kids and I were what she truly wanted then we would talk so that at least she would have known there was ramifications for her choice to have the affair. Maybe she would have run to him I don't know but if she had sooner or later his wife would have caught them or she would have gotten tired of being the third wheel. I don't know for sure but I don't feel he was willing to leave his wife and daughter for her. He was just getting to have his cake and eat it too. Then when and if she asked to come back I would have at least gained back some of my self respect. Although I know in my own mind I would have been afraid she wouldn't want to come back and despite the betrayal I did love her

[Dyeinghere]

I don't think it was his first affair as I've stated before. I have a question for anyone how do cheating spouses get past if he/she is cheating now won't they cheat on me at some time even while they are in their current affair? After all they are doing it with no problems. Also it hurts to think they might have been laughing about how big a fool I was being by knowing they were being together although I was told for supposedly innocent reasons. How did he explain to his wife the messed bed that he and his wife shared and possibly the smell of sex in the sheets just wondering.

[Jonah]

Also it hurts to think they might have been laughing about how big a fool I was being by knowing they were being together although I was told for supposedly innocent reasons.

I missed that part, if you did say that you knew they were friends, or even hanging out together. Certainly even more of a kick in the teeth I can relate. For the months they were entangled, somewhere in there they were at least joking about it... used the in-your-face deception as an aphrodisiac.

 

Why are you saying the "take her back home to moms to decide"? From what you type, she did decide and like you said, push comes to shove her lover was trash. But I do understand because when I read your words I think, yes me too, yes every BS on this board... would love for her to discover her lover is scum and have her crawling back... so I can kick her in the face like she did me. Or better, lead her on like a dog for months and months, or better yet... just forget her.

 

You were a bigger man then than you are now. She said she was sorry, you forgave and you enjoyed her love ever after. What more are you asking? How do you know that it wasn't effects from her affair that killed her in the end? Perhaps justice is paid. Everything effects everything.

[drifter777]

You have brought up "comparisons" a few times in your posts and let me tell you that, in my opinion, people are always comparing their current lot in life with what they think another path might provide. For most married men this has to do, primarily, with their job and with their wife's ability to raise the children and make a good home for all of them. Women, in general, are pretty much the same in that they are comparing their husband's ability to provide for them and their family. Both are continuously comparing their mate against others as far as desirability and sex. At the time she decided to have sex with another man she compared her options and then hopped into bed with him. The fun & excitement she was having outweighed what she believed the consequences to be. She probably thought that you would never find out and, if you did, she could patch things up and get a pass from you. Or maybe she thought that you simply weren't worth the sacrifices she had to make in order to stay faithful. Starting over with a new man was something she thought might be a better life for her and her kids. In her comparison you came up short in some area.

 

As far as the sex itself, of course she compared you and the sex the two of you had with the affair sex. I can't know how you measured up in reality or in her fantasy state of mind. But I do know that she found the whole experience to be worth the risk of losing you.

 

Now she's dead and you can never get honest answer's to any of these questions. Guess what? You were never going to get the truth anyway. And even if she was one of the very rare BW's who actually tell you every sordid detail, you would never believe that she's told you everything. So some of the things you are looking for that can't be validated because she died are things that would have never been validated in your heart anyway.

 

There's a great book on forgiveness that I always recommend. The primary theme of the book is that you cannot truly forgive without active participation from the betrayer. When that is not possible - like when the betrayer dies - it focuses on how to reach a state of acceptance. This is one level short of forgiveness but is as far as many people can get even when the betrayer is alive and doing all they can to help the betrayed reach forgiveness. The book is "How Can I Forgive You?" by Janis Springs. It's an easy read and should resonate with you because of where you are right now.

 

Any professional counselor should be able to help you begin to resolve these feelings to some extent. The most important thing is to simply pick one, make an appointment, and go see them.

[Dyeinghere]

She died of illness she first got MS then year later lung cancer stage 4 everyone tells me it was her penalty and maybe it was but my loving her so much made it a hard thing to watch. My daughter said she talked a lot about me on her death bed told her watch after me help me find someone even suggested a few. As bad a time as I'm having now I did love her my anger now truth be told is more aimed at AP and wishing I knew what his life was like did he pay in the long run I know he was on mess for Angina and if he was close to her age and I think he was he was about 30. I really want to move past this and remember the good times. Think if I knew more about him I could but just can't remember his last name to even try to find out. All I can say is HELP

[qubist]

Dyeinghere: you are letting these toxic thoughts control you, it gives you negative energy and will only depress you more. you have to find a way to start thinking positively, you can't change the past, so focus on what is the best you can do at this moment. It will be a process that would take time but you have to start now. you might also need professional help. if you don't do that you will be ruining your current life too

[Dyeinghere]

I know and I am trying but I think it is effecting more than it did on DDay why I don't know like I said we made a life for ourselves for 17 years after and for the most part good years thinking on getting hypnosis to better remember maybe I can put myself back in that frame of mind. I have appointment with counselor next week.

[nightmare01]

There's nothing you can do in the present that will change the past. IMO the most important place to get to mentally is acceptance. It happened.

 

You will never know the truth about everything aspect of her affair. No BS ever gets the full truth IMO because we can't know what is really going on in the mind of our WS. And no doubt many of our WS soften the truth. My WW is still with me - and I know that I will never get all the answers I want. But would those answers really help? Do I even need to know them? No.

 

I just have come to accept that what happened, happened. There's nothing you can do to make it un-happen. In the end, whether we stay with our WS or not, we have no other choice but to accept our past.

[Jonah]

There is a reason that you keep thinking about this. If it didn't help you feel better on some level then you wouldn't be thinking about it. This dwelling of yours is like impetigo. The more you scratch the worse it gets. You keep on this and soon you will be bleeding from your every pore. It probably feels that you are already.

 

The treatment for impetigo includes "stop scratching". It'll itch, but you just have to love thyself enough to not scratch. You found others here that suffer the same as you... consider that the balm for your injuries.

 

The itching will go away if you leave it alone. But in the mean time, instead of following the imaginary storyline of a past that no longer exists, search for the soul that is genuinely injured and get to know that person. Following a storyline will just take you around in circles. Nurturing your soul will lead you to peace.

[66Charger]

Do you have no concept of reality?

 

You had better get it together man and quickly.

 

Your ex wife is dead.

 

And if you continue with your inability to see the damage you are causing,

 

You marriage will be dead too.

 

I have heard and witnessed many a ederly still in love with a dead spouse, but this is just ridiculous.

 

Its time to call you out, and I dont care what anyone says. You had better look at your ALIVE wife in the eyes and apologize. Stop acting like you have no control over your thoughts and actions.

 

BURY THIS ALONG WITH YOUR DEAD EXWIFE. ...TODAY

 

Or don't and continue to OBSSESS in it until you die...alone.

[Dyeinghere]

Harsh isn't it yes she is dead and yes we had years after but that doesn't mean the questions and feeling I have are not real. Yes I know what reality is been there and done that

[66Charger]

Not saying what you feel isnt real, but how many years do you have left on the planet Earth? I certainly hope by the time I am your age I have learned the meaning of forgiveness and have gifted it to all those deserving.

[Dyeinghere]

Oh I think I have forgave her not him I feel she paid the ultimate price years after the fact I know she Loved Me when she died. I feel he was a sort of preditor and took advantage of her vulnerability and her addiction to the attention and effect ion all be it probably fake just to have sex with her and keep her coming back. I truly believe she was relieved when she was caught because now she could end it and have a reason without having to break the addiction herself. After he didn't put up argument to keep her I think she knew he was a preditor. I know she was embarrassed because she wanted no one else to know. My biggest problem right now is still with him and the mental images. I think she thought she might love him at the time but soon realized what he really was.

[Jonah]

Oh I think I have forgave her not him I feel she paid the ultimate price years after the fact I know she Loved Me when she died. I feel he was a sort of preditor and took advantage of her vulnerability and her addiction to the attention

 

You are probably right, your w ran across an experienced snake. they show up in life and it really bites to be had by one.

 

So ask yourself, is the rest of your life worth retaliation? If not, move on. If you were to take action there would surly be blowback. He isn't worth it. An in all actuality, he only exists in your mind.

 

For me, the OM was nothing. You called it that way too... in actuality, no competition at all. ...not even worth thinking about ...just a fading cloud of smog on the read horizon that you have to look for to notice.

[Jonah]

Your ex wife is dead.

 

 

 

Or don't and continue to OBSSESS in it until you die...alone.

 

well said... she's dead.

OM probably dead too.

[ladydesigner]

(((Dyeinghere))) my heart breaks reading this thread. Your wife absolutely did what she did for selfish reasons. If the M was struggling BOTH of you were in it and YOU did not cheat...SHE did.

 

IMHO I would talk to a counselor. It may even be a symptom of PTSD. The note triggered you and you are experiencing effects from that. I'm so sorry these triggers are horrid and life altering.

 

Peace be with you.

[Dyeinghere]

Thank you lady designer and every one else. I truly hope karma come back to bite him in the but as it did her. She and I had 32 years together and then you have to say 20 because basically we had to start over. And I don't really want to do anything to him now would just like to know if karma came to visit him. I know he didn't do it by himself it takes 2 but really he took advantage of her and whatever she was needing over road her clear thinking I think it took him awhile and she may have resisted for awhile but the need got the better of her and yes our marriage must have had problems I didn't see until it was to late so I'm not shrugging off my inadequate approach to her needs. And my current wife was cheated on numerous times so she knows all about it and is totally supportive gonna talk to councillor next Monday try to get started on healing and understanding why it is haunting me now 12 years after he death

[Jonah]

She died of illness she first got MS then year later lung cancer stage 4 everyone tells me it was her penalty

 

I read this and wonder, if everyone was telling you it was her penalty, do you mean to say that many people knew of the affair and it was such a dominant topic that it was believed to be her karma to have the disease and death befall her?

[Jonah]

Harsh isn't it yes she is dead and yes we had years after but that doesn't mean the questions and feeling I have are not real. Yes I know what reality is been there and done that

 

Those that have been through some treatment can tell you to expect harsh at times. You can take it with a grain of salt, (think, devils advocate) and remember: when when one talks they are usually talking from experiance. For my part in this harshness, I am reminding myself that it's in the past, all an illusion that only exists between my ears.

 

To say "suck it up and move on" is probably useless on a support group and I suggest when reading the posts, just use what is useful and ignore the non applicable.

[BetrayedH]

A couple of thoughts:

 

(1) Your wife's decision to have an affair was not caused by you or the marriage. Period. If there were marital problems (is there a marriage without problems?) then her logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices were to either fix the marriage or leave it. It's completely illogical to think that an affair will fix marital strife. It's complete unethical to play single while keeping your spouse faithful to the marriage. It's unhealthy to drop a nuke on the marriage. And I'd bet your exwife would say that having an affair goes against her personal standards, which makes it immoral for her.

 

So, why on earth would your wife makes such an illogical, unethical, unhealthy, destructive, and immoral choice? After being thru this ans being here for a long time, I see the choice to have an affair stemming from one of three things: (1) An excessive need for external validation - for some people the love and affection of others is irresistable due to low self-worth and they'll take the validation wherever they can get it (2) Severe conflict avoidance - instead of resolving issues, they avoid them until resentment builds; unresolved resentment will kill a relationship (3) An overdeveloped sense of entitlement - some people believe that they deserve everything that life has to offer, even if it means risking that someone else may get hurt.

 

Sometimes there's a toxic combination of these traits. What's interesting is that NONE of these have anything to do with the betrayed spouse. They have everything to do with the wayward. Many would argue that these traits were developed during childhood via their family of origin. Perhaps they never felt love and acceptance, perhaps the family was full of conflict-avoidance, or perhaps the family fostered a sense of entitlement. Much like the use of drugs or alcohol, having an affair is an unhealthy coping mechanism.

 

My point here is that you need to stop beating yourself up over your wife's piss-poor choices. You didn't cause it. She had more logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices but she repeatedly for six months chose poorly. That's on her. You didn't get a vote. You could have been a perfect spouse (if there is such a thing) and she may still have been unfaithful because she was a broken person. Her affair is a reflection of her, not a reflection of you. So stop with the feelings of inadequacy. If anything, I think you saw your wife was broken and chose to forgive that offense and cherish her. That was a noble effort and one that paid off well for you. The OM certainly has nothing on you.

 

(2) I agree wholeheartedly with Drifter's suggestion about "How Can I Forgive You?" By Janis Spring. I'll respectfully disagree with his assertion that your wife made a comparison and found you lacking. Waywards are notoriously good at compartmentalizing. They don't spend tremendous amounts of effort to make rational decisions. They make selfish ones and push any thoughts of their spouse to the back of their mind. And the way that they really rationalize it is by deciding that what you don't know will never hurt you. They think they are clever enough to keep it all secret so they're not really risking anything. In their minds, they aren't risking you or the marriage at all.

 

(3) As for the mind movies, I think Dichotomy had a good suggestion about redirecting your thoughts. The mind movies really do you no good whatsoever and allowing yourself to engage in that thinking is probably very detrimental to your current marriage. When they enter your mind, I suggest you envision a stop sign and make a choice to stop entertaining those images. And then force yourself to redirect your thoughts to your current wife. Commit to spending the next five minutes or so to things like sending a flirty text, or planning a stop for flowers, or planning a weekend getaway. Don't allow yourself to wallow.

 

Ok, enough rambling from me for now. Hopefully something in there helps.

[Dyeinghere]

No one knew except our best friend she confessed in after being caught the rest where family after this came back. To haunt me that I talked to they also suspected it but never mentioned it or could have ended it earlier. We she confessed to our friend(female) she admitted she loved me and hoped to ended it without me finding out then cried like a baby but didn't want friend ask question. Said she had not had contact since she told him it was over

[Dyeinghere]

Jonah that is some of the best advise I've had Thank you. I still think I'm took advantage because nurses are noted for talking about their personal lives and I mean everything. My labido was rather low during that time so didn't meet her needs very often she wouldn't start it it was always up to me pride kept me from visiting a Dr. That's my opinion of what happened she wanted to be wanted and needed as she told our friend. If OM was as I think he was a preditor he knew what she was feeling and used it with his actions and words to get to her mental distress. Probably agreeing telling her she was a very desirable woman and started basically for play and she was high on it followed through got affected to the high and I knew nothing so guess I didn't change at home we still were intimate just not very often she even marked it on calandor so she could show me from now and then I still didn't change thought it was weird she would keep score.

[Dyeinghere]

Sorry should commented to BetrayedH sorry but that resonated with me thanks

[BetrayedH]

Jonah that is some of the best advise I've had Thank you. I still think I'm took advantage because nurses are noted for talking about their personal lives and I mean everything. My labido was rather low during that time so didn't meet her needs very often she wouldn't start it it was always up to me pride kept me from visiting a Dr. That's my opinion of what happened she wanted to be wanted and needed as she told our friend. If OM was as I think he was a preditor he knew what she was feeling and used it with his actions and words to get to her mental distress. Probably agreeing telling her she was a very desirable woman and started basically for play and she was high on it followed through got affected to the high and I knew nothing so guess I didn't change at home we still were intimate just not very often she even marked it on calandor so she could show me from now and then I still didn't change thought it was weird she would keep score.

 

You can certainly take responsibility for 50% of any marital problems. If you weren't attentive to her needs, then you need to own that. I hope you did own that and make positive changes. And I hope you've learned to be more respectful of your partner's needs. That's on you.

 

But you own your sh*t and she owns hers. You don't own her decision to have an affair. She gets to own that one. And she had other choices. She could have demanded counseling. She could have given you an ultimatum. She could have asked for an open marriage. Or hell, she could have filed for divorce. Any of those would have been logical, ethical, healthy, and moral choices. They would have been honest and respectful and she could have maintained some sense of integrity throughout. Instead, she chose to cheat. That's on her.

 

This is not to say that she was the antiChrist or that it's unforgivable. I think most people are broken to one extent or another. And for your wife, her coping mechanism was to seek out attention outside her marriage. It's not always some evil plot to betray us. And I think she probably paid a heavy price for her actions, even with your forgiveness.

 

It also sounds like she was happy with her choice to ultimately stay in the marriage and she loved you until the end. I'd actually say that's pretty good closure compared to what a lot of us get around here. I'd hope that her concern for you at the end of her days would really say something to you.

[BetrayedH]

As far as the OM being a predator is concerned, you may be right. He's certainly a low-life if he's knowingly getting it on with another man's wife while cheating on his own.

 

At the same time, your wife knowingly betrayed her marriage. She's the one that had vows to you. The OM would have gotten nowhere with her if she'd just kept her legs closed. That was her job. He was just some random dude that was happy to get laid. He's not blameless but he's also not the source of the problem.

 

In the end, I suspect that you'll just have to accept that he 'got away with it' all those years ago. Although, I also suspect that his household was quite different after you made his wife aware of his infidelity. Unless you're going to go on some extensive search for this guy, I think you'll have to leave this aspect alone. To be honest, this is an injustice that many of us just end up having to accept.