MsHopeful0208201689 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I suspect that I've experienced some of my current relationship... There have been several jokes about my physical appearance and when I've expressed it hurt my feelings he'd say "I'm just joking with you", "you're being sensitive", "I'm sorry you feel I am being a jerk, I didn't mean anything by it"... Once after we were intimate & I said "You leaving already?", he said "yep, feed 'em, f**k 'em, forget 'em" ... Again I expressed my dislike of that comment & he said "sorry, if you think I am being a jerk".. There's been other things... Sometimes the relationship is so good... He thinks I pick out the bad things instead of focusing on the good... Is verbal abuse disguised as jokes that belittle or devalue someone? Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Big red flags waving!!! Why is it ok? It's not ok. And why are you still there acting like it's ok? He's not joking - he being a blatant jerk. He's showing you exactly who he is...believe him. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Yes, that's one form of abuse and it can be hard to detect since our brain processes it through our own unique psychology and the process by which we attach to people. If this was just 'some guy with a mouth', you'd tell him to buzz off. Why? You're not attached to him. When I first learned how this process worked, the joke would usually be followed by a fist. Hence, I learned to be quite wary of such 'jokesters', even if a joke was just a joke. Since you've identified this issue, one point of reflection is has it happened before? If so, how did you process that? Also, as a point of comparison, what has been your experience with men who don't joke in such a manner? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I suspect that I've experienced some of my current relationship... There have been several jokes about my physical appearance and when I've expressed it hurt my feelings he'd say "I'm just joking with you", "you're being sensitive", "I'm sorry you feel I am being a jerk, I didn't mean anything by it"... Once after we were intimate & I said "You leaving already?", he said "yep, feed 'em, f**k 'em, forget 'em" ... Again I expressed my dislike of that comment & he said "sorry, if you think I am being a jerk".. There's been other things... Sometimes the relationship is so good... He thinks I pick out the bad things instead of focusing on the good... Is verbal abuse disguised as jokes that belittle or devalue someone? He's playing the coy passive aggressive guy but passive aggressive is still aggressive, and aggression has no place in a healthy relationship. I'd bail on him, bc this won't get better. Generally ppl who behave that way do so based on lifelong conditioning - they've found it works for them and it's thus become a part of their fundamental identity. It's almost impossible to wash that out of a person, even if they wanted to, so yeah, walk away from this one and try one of the millions of guys out there who's not a closet psychopath. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) This might be considered negging ...to undermine your self confidence. Long term you'll feel like your worthless ...some guys do this because they are insecure and want to level you to their level. They might also do it because they think they are better than you and don't want you thinking you're all that ...to keep you down ... So you don't expect too much from them. I don't know all the psychology behind it ...I just know it's not good nice kind or gentlemanly. I find the behavior a bit sadistic. So out of curiosity ...have you asked him what he actually does mean when he says these things? And by the way ...do not ever let anyone tell you you're feelings are inappropriate ..."you're too sensitive" this is what I would do ... Put on a pair of stiletto heels ...stomp on his bare foot with the heel ...when he screams in pain tell him "you're too sensitive" hahahaha yep This guy makes crass callous comments ...he's a rube ... Is this the guy you can take out to a dinner with your boss in the future? No ...you can't trust him. He'd embarrass you. Can you imagine what your boss would think about you? Even if this is only 10% of the relationship ...it would be too much for me ...I'm too old to put up with crap ...come to think of it ...I'd didn't experience it when I was younger ...but a girlfriend's husband used to do this to her ... We felt sorry for her ...you could see her heart break just a little every time he did it. He was some big accountant for one of the big firms ...he thought a lot of himself ...or did he? Edited October 25, 2015 by StBreton Link to post Share on other sites
Wewon Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Its hard to detect because its often said by someone we care about and we try to reframe it to find the "good" in it. Sometimes its hard to detect because the person hit a nerve or a faulty line of thought and we think that the person is giving us some hard truth or maybe we think that deep down we're too sensitive. The whole "its a joke" thing plays on this insecurity. People that aren't concerned with being too sensitive rarely doubt themselves this way. My rule of thumb is, if you can think of 3 or more instances that made you feel bad in the last couple of weeks then that was no accident. This keeps you from reacting to every comment (which may indeed be a joke or poorly worded comment) but it keeps you mindful that empathetic people typically don't have to keep apologizing or explaining that they meant no harm. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 OP ...verbal abuse isn't hard to detect ...if you find yourself cringing at something someone says to you ...it was probably not nice and depending on what was said ...it could be abusive. Reading your threads ...yes your guy is abusive ... Your partner is supposed to lift you up!!!!! At all times. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Taramere Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) I suspect that I've experienced some of my current relationship... There have been several jokes about my physical appearance and when I've expressed it hurt my feelings he'd say "I'm just joking with you", "you're being sensitive", "I'm sorry you feel I am being a jerk, I didn't mean anything by it"... So why say it? You don't insult somebody's physical appearance and "not mean anything by it". At best, the two of you would have a mutual enjoyment of insulting banter - where he "means" to provoke an equally insulting but ultimately jocular response from you, in which case his approach would maybe be fine. Though not necessarily a recipe for a particularly romantic relationship. The fact that he describes you as sensitive, however, tells us pretty much all we need to know in terms of this not being one of those "two people enjoying ripping on eachother" scenarios. In the sort of case you're describing, where one person clearly isn't happy about the comments being made to them, passing it off as a joke just sounds like a way of trying to avoid ownership of an intentionally mean comment. "I'm sorry you feel..." is further evasion of responsibility. "I didn't do anything wrong, but I'm sorry you see it differently." That's pretty cowardly. Is verbal abuse disguised as jokes that belittle or devalue someone? Again, some people do have a rough style of banter between them that they both enjoy - so I don't think it's necessarily right or fair to automatically assume that insults are intended to be abusive. One of my preferred reference points for rougher jokes and banter is the scenario of tiger clubs playing. It might look rough, but they're careful to keep their claws sheathed in order to avoid causing injury. The day a pair of tiger clubs fight with their claws out, the bonds are breaking or have already broken - and they're about to go their separate ways. I don't know if this guy is intentionally abusive or out to hurt you. What is clear is that you do feel hurt and demeaned in the course of this relationship. The message he's giving you (re "sensitive" comments) is that you will have to develop a thicker skin to his more insulting comments if the relationship is to survive. Whether that would be a good thing, or if it would mean you turn yourself into somebody you don't really want to be...only you have the answer to that one. My first boyfriend, when I was 16, was really quite an unpleasant character. I thought that it was my fault. I would show that his behaviour upset me, but it would continue and even get worse. I started to switch from being upset to irritated. Then a guy he was afraid of made it plain he was interested in me. The new circumstances, with the small sense of power that they brought me, brought out a bitchy side in me. I started to be mercilessly unkind to my unpleasant boyfriend. To the point where other people were shocked (especially given that I was generally thought of as too nice). His reaction was to become more and more taken with me. The more taken he was with my new found bitchy persona, the more I despised him. Then I dumped him. I didn't particularly like my bitchy persona, but I decided that it did serve a purpose. There are some people you just have to be that way with, because otherwise they'll take the piss. However, those are usually people who you're best not wasting too much of your time with - especially if they're going to bring out too much of a side of yourself you're not that keen on. I don't know if your boyfriend is an abusive character. He might just be looking for the kind of relationship where he rips on his girlfriend a lot - and gets the same dished back at him. From your post, I think that's maybe not the woman you want to be...and perhaps the fairest thing to do is, rather than accusing him of being abusive, to tell him that the two of you seem to differ in your notions of what constitutes amusing and enjoyable banter. If he can't or doesn't want to quit these insulting little jokes at your expense, then clearly the two of you aren't compatible for the long term and he needs to find a woman who not only enjoys that kind of stuff - but will respond to the insults in kind and with gusto. I would just recommend that you don't get into any "you're abusive" stuff. I don't think it's helpful, and to be honest - it might not be correct or fair. There's always the possibility that he's been brought up in an environment where people who love and care about eachother rip on eachother in a way they all find amusing. But it's evidently not for you. If he starts any "you're too sensitive" stuff then a good response is "with respect, that perception you have is just part of why I think the two of us are basically incompatible." Edited October 25, 2015 by Taramere 3 Link to post Share on other sites
truthtripper Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) It's simply this-if you feel uncomfortable around certain people, no matter how close you are to them, just don't associate with them or try to keep your distance as much as you can, depending on the context. For example, I grew up in an abusive family and haven't seen them now for 20 years. Listen to your gut. Protect yourself. Edited October 26, 2015 by truthtripper Link to post Share on other sites
SammySammy Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 OP ...verbal abuse isn't hard to detect ...if you find yourself cringing at something someone says to you ...it was probably not nice and depending on what was said ...it could be abusive. Reading your threads ...yes your guy is abusive ... Your partner is supposed to lift you up!!!!! At all times. ^^^This. Verbal abuse isn't hard to detect. You know what this guy said is out of line. Don't let him get away with it just because he's doing it in a cowardly way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mmcain Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 In psychology YES because 99 perc of what we say when we are " kidding " is the truth in disguise. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mmcain Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Words we say are processed by thoughts we actually feel. Link to post Share on other sites
losangelena Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 No offense, OP, but how is that hard to detect? Cruelty has no place in a relationship, even as a "joke." If a man is cruel with you, that is your cue to leave. Sure, a guy may be angry at you about something, or upset in general, but if a man ever insults you, belittles you, or says something cruel to you, he is indicting himself, and you turn and walk away—end of story. It doesn't matter if he's "joking" or you're "too sensitive." No, you are not being sensitive enough. I will climb off my soapbox now, but honestly, for me, cruelty in any form is UNACCEPTABLE. I have a zero tolerance policy—one strike and you're out. I will not stand for it, and I advocate that no one else do, either. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 In psychology YES because 99 perc of what we say when we are " kidding " is the truth in disguise. Words we say are processed by thoughts we actually feel. The gut will usually nudge you. Intuition helps to peice it together too. Body language helps if you're one who notices those signals. Using them all is VERY helpful in life. Link to post Share on other sites
Dolfin80 Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 The jokes you described are actually emotional abuse and that can be hard to detect. Read up on emotion abuse then you will be able to smell it a mile away. Link to post Share on other sites
regine_phalange Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Because its often done passive aggressively with a smile. But you get to decide what annoys you and what does not. It can be that someone's abusive or that someone has asperger's or something. Ive been told that I overreact or that I blow things out of proportion or that Im too sensitive. But I wonder why did I have a 4 year relationship with someone who never evoked this kind of feeling in me. He was either a magician or just.. respectful. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
pureinheart Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 I suspect that I've experienced some of my current relationship... There have been several jokes about my physical appearance and when I've expressed it hurt my feelings he'd say "I'm just joking with you", "you're being sensitive", "I'm sorry you feel I am being a jerk, I didn't mean anything by it"... Once after we were intimate & I said "You leaving already?", he said "yep, feed 'em, f**k 'em, forget 'em" ... Again I expressed my dislike of that comment & he said "sorry, if you think I am being a jerk".. There's been other things... Sometimes the relationship is so good... He thinks I pick out the bad things instead of focusing on the good... Is verbal abuse disguised as jokes that belittle or devalue someone? All of the time. Usually when people say they're joking, they're not, it's how they really feel. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Odinani Posted October 31, 2015 Share Posted October 31, 2015 This might be considered negging ...to undermine your self confidence. Long term you'll feel like your worthless ...some guys do this because they are insecure and want to level you to their level. They might also do it because they think they are better than you and don't want you thinking you're all that ...to keep you down ... So you don't expect too much from them. I don't know all the psychology behind it ...I just know it's not good nice kind or gentlemanly. I find the behavior a bit sadistic. So out of curiosity ...have you asked him what he actually does mean when he says these things? And by the way ...do not ever let anyone tell you you're feelings are inappropriate ..."you're too sensitive" this is what I would do ... Put on a pair of stiletto heels ...stomp on his bare foot with the heel ...when he screams in pain tell him "you're too sensitive" hahahaha yep This guy makes crass callous comments ...he's a rube ... Is this the guy you can take out to a dinner with your boss in the future? No ...you can't trust him. He'd embarrass you. Can you imagine what your boss would think about you? Even if this is only 10% of the relationship ...it would be too much for me ...I'm too old to put up with crap ...come to think of it ...I'd didn't experience it when I was younger ...but a girlfriend's husband used to do this to her ... We felt sorry for her ...you could see her heart break just a little every time he did it. He was some big accountant for one of the big firms ...he thought a lot of himself ...or did he? hahahaha I love this Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts