When new things shed unexpected light on old things

[unexpected]

This is a long story, so get your coffee and get settled in.

 

I've been married for 17 years, and with her for 19. In May, we had an argument that turned into an outburst from her that I should just go and leave her and my daughter alone. This quickly turned into her moving into the guest room in early June. During that time I found out she was talking to an old boyfriend (one she had an affair with 3 years into our marriage). She said nothing was going on but he reminded her of the emotional things she was missing from her life. We started counselling in August and she moved out of the house on September 1st.

 

In counselling she says things like she doesn't think I will ever be emotionally available enough for her and that she's not sure she could ever be intimate with me again. I recently found out that I have minor OCPD tendencies so I have been learning about how some of my coping mechanisms led to my wife's feelings of being unloved. The last time we were together was May. I kept trying to find ways to connect with her but we rarely talk and when we do, it is only about my daughter. We share custody of my daughter splitting time with her 50/50. My daughter is 9. The boundaries of our separation are that we are not to ask each other about our personal lives (what we are doing, who we are doing it with, etc). So, we're living like we're divorced, we just haven't signed papers and nothing legal has been done to this point. I really wanted to save the marriage but then something unexpected happened.....

 

Out of the blue, completely unprompted, my old girlfriend from 20 years ago emailed me. Now, I've heard from her on and off again over the years but hadn't heard from her recently. She emailed me just to wish me a happy birthday but added that she's not sure why I haven't stayed in touch but she wanted to thank me for everything I had given her. Honestly, I always felt that I had failed as a boyfriend. I pushed her away and she cheated on me but in the end, she got burned by getting herself pregnant! That is when I met my wife and moved on with my life....or so I thought. Anyway, she asks how I am doing and I explain my current mess. She is very sorry for me because she always wished I would have found happiness. I ask her about OCPD and she immediately acknowledges that she always knew I had some level of it. But, she said it isn't dysfunctional and it is a bit of what makes me, me! I then find out she has been divorced for a year. And, she offers to come talk to me about my OCPD and to elaborate on the things she felt I gave her in our previous relationship. She lives in the South East, I'm in the Midwest so it's not like were neighbors. However she travels for business and so I decided based on the rules of my separation and her being divorced to allow the visit to happen.

 

So, here is where it gets confusing. The visit took both her and I by surprise. 20 years of distance disappeared in less than 2 hours. We ended up having a wonderful weekend together and she told me how she regretted losing me all those years ago and that she would even be willing to tell my wife that she will regret losing me if our marriage ends. She told me that I taught her the true meaning of friendship, how to handle money, how to stick up for herself and her beliefs, and that I was a great lover (thank you very much, who does't like to hear that?) She erased so much pain and regret from my heart and gave me closure to something that never really ended cleanly. But, more importantly she caused me to see what my wife see's with her old boyfriend. There was an intimate and emotional connection with my old girlfriend that my wife and I have never had together. And, I feel that my wife has an emotional connection with her old boyfriend that I cannot match. I kind of get it now! And, I'm not even suggesting I end my marriage to pursue my old girlfriend. I'm just wondering if all of this really means that maybe my wife and I never should have been together in the first place. Is it crazy to think that you could find you spent 20 years with the wrong person? My wife is not a bad human being. But, I'm beginning to think that maybe I never was the right man for her, nor she the right woman for me. Yet, she is the one that left me and I was hard set on savings things. How do I change gears now? Because, old girlfriend or not, I now know what has been missing. Is it possible that connecting with an old friend can bring back to life feelings you buried about yourself long ago? If that leads to the end of your marriage is it wrong that you saw the old friend? Or, is this just how the murky world of separation goes?

 

really confused right now. Just looking for insight from others.

[CarrieT]

Of course it is possible.

 

There is a reason you two were drawn together in your youth and many times those reasons still exist, even though the passage of time.

 

The biggest hurdle will be not jumping from one relationship to another - if that is your thought - but ending your marriage and having some time on your own; to discover who YOU are, what you want, and what you bring to a relationship.

[mystikmind2005]

Personally i don't put much stock in 'imagery' .... what you 'imagine' with some other person.

 

This is the big problem with people today, it is so easy to imagine the wonderful fairy tale possibilities with someone you have not lived with for 10/20 years. Well, nine times out of 10 it is a mirage.

 

However, it seems like your wife has been taken in....

 

so if you can't beet em, join em! (Definitely go for this new woman)

[Mr. Lucky]

The biggest hurdle will be not jumping from one relationship to another - if that is your thought - but ending your marriage and having some time on your own; to discover who YOU are, what you want, and what you bring to a relationship.

 

Well said. And in this context, what you brought to a relationship 20 years ago, while alluring in the sense of lost youth, isn't very informative.

 

Interesting that you and you wife are both experiencing this re-connection on separate, parallel tracks. I'd ask you, were you marriage thriving, would this "intimate and emotional connection" with an old flame be as real? Your feelings are more about what you're missing now than what was present 20-years ago. CarrieT's advice to find yourself here and now is relevant...

 

Mr. Lucky

[unexpected]

Thank you everyone for your valuable insights so far! The interesting thing being brought up by a few of you has to do with the connection I felt with the old girlfriend and how 'real' it is, or isn't. That is a good question. However, I can say it isn't because of what I'm missing from my current marriage. The problem is my current marriage NEVER had that feeling to it. Whereas, the whole 5 years I spent with the old girlfriend almost always had that feeling. We were just stupid and did very immature things to one another. That is why it ended. The weird thing was that it never seemed like it ended once we saw each other again.

 

But, it is all so fresh that a cool down period is good at this point just to allow me to process what has taken place. The one advantage of the old girlfriend living so far away is that it forces me to take things slow, as I should!

 

On the second hand, I feel like I put the old girlfriend in an uncomfortable situation. She is divorced and moving on with her life. She has every right to pour herself into me if she wishes. However, I'm in the middle of a murky separation that has looked rather hopeless for 6+ months, where it seems like for most of the time, my wife has wanted me to just go. But, we are still married and I have been trying to find a way back (for my daughter) up to this point. I'm beginning to wonder if I should try anymore (for my daughter) because how could a relatively unhappy set of parents be any good for her? Her mother has treated me with a great deal of disrespect and what am I teaching my daughter if I stay? That she can disrespect her future lovers and expect them to stay? My whole point of this thread wasn't about should I stay with my wife or go after the old girlfriend. It was about what I learned about myself while in the presence of the old girlfriend. Things cannot be erased from the mind. And, sometimes, when you learn new things your perspective changes. For example, I spent years eating steak and shaking my head at people that would put ketchup on steak. Then I tried it! Now, I rarely eat steak without it. The point is, it's not about the old girlfriend, its about what I learned from her visit.

 

My wife admitted in counseling that she originally was with me because I provided stability for her, as she is a dreamer who abandons common sense to pursue her dreams. She knew that was bad and she needed someone to counter her 'flightyness'. I on the other hand started my relationship with her because I needed a roommate. Neither of us entered the relationship with love/romance being a big part of the equation. Now, she knows she can support herself and still pursue her dreams and I don't need a roommate to help pay the bills. It seems we both sacrificed true passion in our lives for the sake of safety and stability, which isn't necessarily bad as people are together for all sorts of reasons. But, if happiness is your pursuit, a marriage of convenience tends to run it's course without true happiness being found.

 

So, in short, I have been separated for 7 months. The goal was to find myself and figure out who I am and what I want. The visit with the old girlfriend was just part of that journey and I am just using this forum to help me process my thoughts.

 

Thanks everyone. Looking forward to see if anybody has anything else to add.

Edited October 26, 2015 by unexpected
typos

[mystikmind2005]

I don't know.... it just seems a bit like you are looking for justification to end the marriage?

 

I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, but just wondering if you understand and or accept your true motivations?

[unexpected]

I don't know.... it just seems a bit like you are looking for justification to end the marriage?

 

I am not saying there is anything wrong with that, but just wondering if you understand and or accept your true motivations?

That may be somewhat true. However, the reality is that my wife has cheated on me twice now in our 17 years of marriage. I don't need justification to end the marriage...I already have it!

 

The funny thing is that I think seeing my old girlfriend gave me insight into myself allowing me to remind myself that I don't need any more justification to end my marriage. The question really became whether or not saving it is justified. For what? Save it for my daughter and have her grow up watching two adults 'pretend' to have a relationship? I realized that my marriage was not, and has not been, a 'real' relationship in a long time.

[Clay]

You know the best way to see where your wife is really at. Tell her she can go ahead and keep talking to her xBF. Tell her you found someone that is interested in you and your thinking seriously about taking her up on it. Watch just how fast she reevaluates everything.

 

Other than that if you are really thinking of getting out of the marriage do it for you. Not for a ex that cheated on you in the past.

 

C

[unexpected]

You know the best way to see where your wife is really at. Tell her she can go ahead and keep talking to her xBF. Tell her you found someone that is interested in you and your thinking seriously about taking her up on it. Watch just how fast she reevaluates everything.

 

Other than that if you are really thinking of getting out of the marriage do it for you. Not for a ex that cheated on you in the past.

 

C

That is really good advice, Clay! I haven't thought of trying that approach. I'm not looking at ending my marriage because of the ex. I might contemplate seeing her again or spending time with her if I end my marriage but nothing serious. I don't even know if she feels the same way....and she lives 1,000 miles away. So, I'm not running to anything. I think what I have done is decided to stop running away from something.........the reality that my marriage is dead and has been for quite some time. We just need to admit it.