Carriages Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 My main story is elsewhere on the site, but this is a question I've struggled with. I think the first answer is "no". If the kids are the *only* thing keeping you in a relationship, then the relationship will probably ultimately fail again, exposing the kids to much conflict and heartache in the interim. The kids would prefer be from a broken home than be living in one. However - there's no doubt - however much we might like to persuade ourselves otherwise - that all other things being equal, separation & divorce definitely harms kids in the short term and most studies would suggest the long term as well. So surely therefore - if there are children present in a relationship - the threshold for leaving should be so much higher than might otherwise be the case. If there are no kids present, it might be a reasonable choice to walk away from a relationship where there might still be some hope for it, but one or both partners would prefer not take the risk. But if there are kids present.... perhaps one should leave no stone unturned. Or should you?? If you would otherwise not go through the process if there were not kids present, are your efforts actually insincere and aimed more at alleviating one's parental guilt rather than producing the honest and true outcome? Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 If the children didn't exist, would the marriage continue? FWIW, staying for the kids wasn't uncommon in mine and my parent's generations. Results? Mixed. It, IMO, depended upon how the parents who stayed dealt with the day to day. Of course, these days, staying is increasingly a function of two disparate and independent points of view, both coming from people increasingly mutually independent otherwise. Marriages are, increasingly, partnerships which are equal in all ways so either partner can choose to dissolve and go their own way with little to no downside, absent of course their feelings regarding impact on their children. As divorce numbers (not necessarily rates) have increased, divorced people with children are more common, hence more examples exist of how things can work for better or worse. Kids increasingly know other kids who have divorced parents. On and on. As a young man, with socialization strong and religion banging around in there, I probably would have fought tooth and nail to stay together for the kids. Now, with my role models dead and being older and seeing how life works, nah, move on. Deal with the co-parenting and live life. It's brief. Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) How old are the kids? What are the reasons for divorce? If abusive partner ...yes divorce. If divorce because one partner isn't feeling the love or isn't attracted to their partner any more ...no don't break up the family. Why do that to the kids. I wish my ex felt the same but he wanted to be with someone else. My kids are still at home and have been through a lot ...they wished it hadn't happened. The difference of which you speak ...kids vs no kids ...is that now it's not all about you anymore ...there are young lives involved and their emotions matter as much as having a roof over their head. Kids from divorced homes have a higher risk of divorce themselves. I'm for keeping the family together unless something egregious is going on. But work on your issues and make the home as happy as possible. How much happier will you be solo? 20% 90% Also ...it's not brief ...the split is a lifetime of dealing with issues. Younger kids are not happy going from home to home ... Edited October 25, 2015 by StBreton 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Carriages Posted October 25, 2015 Author Share Posted October 25, 2015 (edited) How old are the kids? Kids from divorced homes have a higher risk of divorce themselves. I'm for keeping the family together unless something egregious is going on. But work on your issues and make the home as happy as possible. How much happier will you be solo? 20% 90% Also ...it's not brief ...the split is a lifetime of dealing with issues. Younger kids are not happy going from home to home ... Kids from divorced homes may have a higher risk of divorce themselves, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. It could just be that these kids have witnessed first hand that it is not necessary to remain in an unfulfilling relationship, and are therefore less likely to tolerate one themselves. The same could be said of the higher divorce rate in second marriages. The problem is that most of the studies simply lump all marriages in together as being "good". They don't differentiate between those that are honest and fulfilling, with those that are an inauthentic, barely-clinging-on compromise. So if the children of divorce would prefer be divorced than in a compromised marriage....... that's not necessarily a bad thing. Edited October 25, 2015 by Carriages 2 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Kids from divorced homes may have a higher risk of divorce themselves, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. It could just be that these kids have witnessed first hand that it is not necessary to remain in an unfulfilling relationship, and are therefore less likely to tolerate one themselves. The same could be said of the higher divorce rate in second marriages. The problem is that most of the studies simply lump all marriages in together as being "good". They don't differentiate between those that are honest and fulfilling, with those that are an inauthentic, barely-clinging-on compromise. So if the children of divorce would prefer be divorced than in the a compromised marriage....... that's not necessarily a bad thing. Sure carriage. Kids are going to have a preference. Kids live an almost myopic existence ...they want a solid base with which to spring from ...not multiple bases. Kids do not care if their parent's marriage is fulfilling ...they're much more self centered than that. They expect the adults to take care of themselves and figure it out but not disrupt their life. YOU care about how unfulfilled your marriage is. But it's not about you any more ...it's about the family. I stand firm ...work it out and keep the family together. Link to post Share on other sites
Haydn Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 No................... Worked out much better with our own lives. Kids happier, us happier. Link to post Share on other sites
ASG Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 I am forever grateful that my parents didn't decide to stay together. They separated when my brother and I were 6. I don't remember the actual separation, but I do remember the alternate weekends and holidays. My parents made a real effort to be civil and my dad continued to be part of the family. My brother and I have NEVER EVER wished they got back together or wish they didn't divorce. My mom remarried, my dad didn't. Dad and step dad get along just fine. Based on all this, I would never stay together for the kids. Try to make things easier for them, sure. But not stay together. There are ways things can work out for the best for everyone without that kind of sacrifice. Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted October 25, 2015 Share Posted October 25, 2015 Sure carriage. Kids are going to have a preference. Kids live an almost myopic existence ...they want a solid base with which to spring from ...not multiple bases. Kids do not care if their parent's marriage is fulfilling ...they're much more self centered than that. They expect the adults to take care of themselves and figure it out but not disrupt their life. YOU care about how unfulfilled your marriage is. But it's not about you any more ...it's about the family. I stand firm ...work it out and keep the family together. I think the main point you are making that people seem to be missing is the willingness to try to make the marriage work. Obviously if the marriage cannot work after exhausting all the efforts, then end it. But yes, i agree people give up far too easily where kids are involved and are desperate to try to justify it, but it is not justified. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Keats Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 (edited) Maybe stay for the kids if your prepared to force some major changes on both sides. Divorce is a bit like running away. But it depends what your running away from? Because maybe the kids want to run away too. Or maybe they don't. Maybe the parental issues affect them. As they affect you. Maybe the parental issues don't affect them. And it's just your problem. You just have to weight it out. And nobody can weight it out for you. My personal opinion on marriage is that once in while, every married person wants to run away from their spouse and kids. And that's normal. Edited October 26, 2015 by Keats 1 Link to post Share on other sites
mystikmind2005 Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Only stay for the kids if your prepared to force some major changes on both sides. Divorce is a bit like running away. But it depends what your running away from? Because maybe the kids want to run away too. Or maybe they don't. Maybe the parental issues affect them. As they affect you. Maybe the parental issues don't affect them. And it's just your problem. My personal opinion on marriage is that once in while, every married person wants to run away from their spouse and kids. Its normal. Divorce is exactly like running away. What marriage councilors will tell you is that you need to focus more on yourself, and your own faults, not your partners faults. So it is still worth doing marriage counseling, even if you sincerely believe the marriage is doomed, because the process can teach you things about yourself that will help you in your next relationship. It is a win win situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Kids from divorced homes may have a higher risk of divorce themselves, but this is not necessarily a bad thing. It could just be that these kids have witnessed first hand that it is not necessary to remain in an unfulfilling relationship, and are therefore less likely to tolerate one themselves. The same could be said of the higher divorce rate in second marriages. The problem is that most of the studies simply lump all marriages in together as being "good". They don't differentiate between those that are honest and fulfilling, with those that are an inauthentic, barely-clinging-on compromise. So if the children of divorce would prefer be divorced than in a compromised marriage....... that's not necessarily a bad thing. This is exactly right. Link to post Share on other sites
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