How to combat low dating self esteem

[cookiemonster26]

First of all my apologizes if this is in the wrong section.

 

Sometimes I can't help but feel like who the hell is ever going to like me and what's the point of dating. There is always gonna be girls skinnier than me, prettier than me, smarter and younger so why would anyone want me ? I don't know if anyone has ever felt this way, but if you have any tips on how to not be so insecure I could really use some guidance.

 

A little background story, I had a bf in the past who called me fat and worthless and told me.I would never find anyone to love me when I decided to leave him for calling me names all the time, I wonder if this has something to do with it and how to get over it

[preraph]

Because all guys can't get the perfect 8-10. As long as you don't have unrealistic expectations, focus on pursuing your interests and hobbies to ensure you continue to make contact with new people and maybe one will click some day. Despite your low self-image, you should mask that (or deal with it professionally) by setting boundaries and not accepting bad treatment. Set up some ground rules how you'd treat someone and in return want to be treated and run off anyone who doesn't meet the required minimum. At least that way you don't accept bad people due to your feelings of low self-worth.

[SwordofFlame]

Do things to improve yourself so that you are the best person that you can be. I have a good job, work very hard, I'm in great shape, I work out a lot. I do some volunteering in my free time, etc. I know I'm a great person and that's what gives me my confidence in dating.

[cookiemonster26]

Because all guys can't get the perfect 8-10. As long as you don't have unrealistic expectations, focus on pursuing your interests and hobbies to ensure you continue to make contact with new people and maybe one will click some day. Despite your low self-image, you should mask that (or deal with it professionally) by setting boundaries and not accepting bad treatment. Set up some ground rules how you'd treat someone and in return want to be treated and run off anyone who doesn't meet the required minimum. At least that way you don't accept bad people due to your feelings of low self-worth.

 

The thing is I think I'm pretty good at not taking crap from guys but I always attract the ones that just want sex and I'm not sure if it's because I have low self esteem or because I look for them online

[Guyouthere]

First of all my apologizes if this is in the wrong section.

 

Sometimes I can't help but feel like who the hell is ever going to like me and what's the point of dating. There is always gonna be girls skinnier than me, prettier than me, smarter and younger so why would anyone want me ? I don't know if anyone has ever felt this way, but if you have any tips on how to not be so insecure I could really use some guidance.

 

A little background story, I had a bf in the past who called me fat and worthless and told me.I would never find anyone to love me when I decided to leave him for calling me names all the time, I wonder if this has something to do with it and how to get over it

 

From what you describe here, you should be glad to get rid of a guy who treats you like that.

 

My ex wife wasn't the thinnest, in fact she wasn't thin at all. I would never think of teasing her about it. I never did. Unfortunately, she didn't have the personality either (I didn't find that out until later).

 

Some of her very last words to me (after she left me for at least one other guy), was that "I would die a lonely old man".

 

Well, maybe I will. I am not currently dating anyone, and the one I just had also evidently used me too, so I can be negative and "agree" with my ex-wife.

 

BUT< I will not.

 

And neither should you.

 

I believe that everyone has the right to be happy, unless they are some extraordinarily mean piece of s. for a person who seeks to destroy others.

 

You need to work on your self esteem. Get some hobbies, and if possible, lose the weight too (that will improve your self esteem and keep you healthy as well).

 

Get some good nonjudgemental friends around you too.

 

Don't let others decide your worth.

 

After my wife left, I was depressed and combined with the fact I went around on trips for 5+ weeks, eating out each night, I had gained 30+ pounds.

 

Now I lost it all and some on top of that, now fitting into clothes I haven't in a long time. I included long distance cycling into my other physical activities,a nd also work out at the gym at least 3 days a week.

 

It has already made a very big difference.

 

Just some pointers for you.

[cookiemonster26]

From what you describe here, you should be glad to get rid of a guy who treats you like that.

 

My ex wife wasn't the thinnest, in fact she wasn't thin at all. I would never think of teasing her about it. I never did. Unfortunately, she didn't have the personality either (I didn't find that out until later).

 

Some of her very last words to me (after she left me for at least one other guy), was that "I would die a lonely old man".

 

Well, maybe I will. I am not currently dating anyone, and the one I just had also evidently used me too, so I can be negative and "agree" with my ex-wife.

 

BUT< I will not.

 

And neither should you.

 

I believe that everyone has the right to be happy, unless they are some extraordinarily mean piece of s. for a person who seeks to destroy others.

 

You need to work on your self esteem. Get some hobbies, and if possible, lose the weight too (that will improve your self esteem and keep you healthy as well).

 

Get some good nonjudgemental friends around you too.

 

Don't let others decide your worth.

 

After my wife left, I was depressed and combined with the fact I went around on trips for 5+ weeks, eating out each night, I had gained 30+ pounds.

 

Now I lost it all and some on top of that, now fitting into clothes I haven't in a long time. I included long distance cycling into my other physical activities,a nd also work out at the gym at least 3 days a week.

 

It has already made a very big difference.

 

Just some pointers for you.

 

Ya I really want to take a break from dating and focus on fitness and losing weight but alot of people around me tell me time is running out and I have to hurry up n find someone (I'm 25) so that makes it tough to focus on myself when I feel like I should be focused on dating, if that makes any sense

[JuneJulySeptember]

First of all my apologizes if this is in the wrong section.

 

Sometimes I can't help but feel like who the hell is ever going to like me and what's the point of dating. There is always gonna be girls skinnier than me, prettier than me, smarter and younger so why would anyone want me ? I don't know if anyone has ever felt this way, but if you have any tips on how to not be so insecure I could really use some guidance.

 

A little background story, I had a bf in the past who called me fat and worthless and told me.I would never find anyone to love me when I decided to leave him for calling me names all the time, I wonder if this has something to do with it and how to get over it

 

Helping other people helps me.

 

Whenever I get rejected or start thinking about poor me and how people might not like me and think I'm ugly and too short and boring, I go and do something for somebody and I feel better. I got rejected by 8 women this past week online and one that I had hopes for shot me down pretty bad.

 

I went out to go shopping and on the way I saw a homeless guy sitting on a bench. I parked and bought a sandwich and drink and gave it to him. And then I thought to myself "Who gives a **** if women are rejecting me because I'm ugly. That's petty. I'm doing something for this world." It'll make you feel better about yourself. And that's self esteem. That doesn't have to come from thinking you look good.

 

I've just started doing this and it helps a lot. I'm serious, try it next time you feel down like that. It might sound stupid, but it has helped a lot.

 

Getting out and doing things you like helps too.

Edited October 26, 2015 by JuneJulySeptember

[Nikki Sahagin]

OP, just some thoughts.

 

* Words can be powerful but do not turn them into a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are not a victim and you are not powerless. Your ex was cruel, a bully and most likely insecure. He tried to pass that insecurity onto you by treating you badly. You should be very proud of yourself that you broke up with him. Your self-esteem is probably bruised but you can begin working on it now. You did the right thing. Write his words on a piece of paper and burn them. He is wrong.

 

* There may always be someone skinnier, prettier, younger but there will always be a handsomer, more exciting, richer man too.

 

* No-one is everything forever. We all age and change all the time. If we are lucky, we will all one day be 90. We won't all stay as skinny as we were at 15, or as pretty as we were at 26, or as rich as we were in our thirties. This is true for ALL people. Hopefully most people have realistic expectations for what they value in a partner. Some men will always be chasing younger and prettier just as some women are always chasing richer and more exciting. A lot of normal people are looking for a real love connection which cannot usually be found in constantly chasing for something new (not that there's anything wrong with that, but obviously that isn't what you're looking for and lots of men are looking for something more too)

 

* Start to build your self-esteem generally. Not just physically. What are your skills, hobbies, interests? Believe it or not, a lot of men get bored of endless pretty faces after a while if there is nothing more to the woman. Are you funny, kind, loyal, sweet, smart? To the right man, these things matter.

 

* Even if you did not, hypothetically speaking, meet a man this needn't influence your self-worth. We are still valuable, whether single or with someone. It is not others that give us worth. Worth is already in us. The worth others attribute to us may be fickle. 'I'll only love you if you are young and pretty or handsome and rich.' But our truth worth cannot be touched by what another person thinks or says; we are born with worth simply because we are living things who deserve respect and love.

 

* Remember the voice of doubt is a liar. It is ego. It is self-defense. Your esteem will grow. In the meantime, it's okay to wobble and be afraid. Remember you ARE worth it and deserving of love.