Jekyl and Hyde-- Is it worth it to marry a man like this?

[klutzgal]

Hi all~

 

Okay, I'm just going to dive in here since i don't know how to begin this thing. I'm not one to often talk about my feelings or problems with others... doing so makes a little nervous now.

 

Anyway, on with the story. I've been dating my fiance for 5.5 years and engaged for 3 of those years now. I've been putting off the wedding for those years because I've never been entirely sure about our relationship. we come from different backgrounds and have different interests, tastes, and moral conduct codes. However, we are very compatible in other ways-- we like our cuddling and intimacy, we are very comfortable around each other, and have enough in common to be able to have pleasant conversations. Although not stimulating, the relationship is mostly a pleasant one.

 

We recently set a wedding date. It was sort of an impulse of mine to set the date, and I had told him and our families about it before I could really back out. Although I had felt uncertain since first setting the date, i figured that he really was the best person for me and all was well.

 

Then about three weeks ago, we have an impromptu confession night. He told me that before we had gotten engaged he had cheated on me multiple times with women friends of his. Two of these women were people who I really liked, and I had even encouraged James in his friendship with them. One was a very good friend of mine at the time. stupid me, but whatever. The last time was three years ago-- a long time, and I should forgive and forget.

 

But since he told me, his other dishonest actions keep coming to mind. He has been caught with a profile on one of those internet dating things (albeit, it was a year ago and we were going through extremely tough times), he has lied to me about a porn addiction, i often catch him lying to other people as easy as he breaths, and he steals little things (pens, toiletries, et cetera), not to mention that he has been lying to me all this time about how he would never, ever cheat on me.

 

I don't know how I feel about this character flaw. Is it important enough that I should back out of the marriage? I have often stayed with him solely because I thought he was generally trustworthy and would eventually be a good husband and father. He is very gentle with me and understands my unstable temperament. I sometimes go into deep depressions, and he will always cook dinner for me, give me a massage, or run me a bubble bath. Its just like he has these two personalities-- i want to marry the good personality, but I hate the scheming and lying bad guy personality. Is this something that strong couples should just work through?

[swirlingdaisy]

I haven't read anything to indicate that you have been "in love" with this guy. I read about "pleasant conversations", "pleasant relationship".....you picked a wedding date merely on impulse and couldn't "back out of it." Seems you've remained with him because it's "comfortable"........but it doesn't sound like you've had the feelings that should be there if making the decision to commit your life to someone.

 

You are clear that you're both very different in many ways, doesn't sound like you're passionate about this guy, that you've been "in love" with him, he's got definite issues with "truth" and fidelity.......................doesn't sound like you 2 have the foundation that's necessary for a life together in marriage.

[westernxer]

Originally posted by klutzgal

Is this something that strong couples should just work through?

 

I don't think you're a strong couple.

[moimeme]

You sound like a couple of chums - maybe roommates but certainly not 'a strong couple' and in fact, not really a 'couple' at all. You appear to be trying to talk yourself into marriage because - you want to be married? If the thought of his constant company doesn't fill you with happiness (not just 'comfort'), then you are making a huge mistake.

[Debster]

You admit to the fact that you have different morals and values. He's already admitted to cheating on you. IMO, there's no future in this relationship. Sometimes you just need to let a dying dog die.