Women that state just looking to "make friends"

[SwordofFlame]

On online dating sites and apps. What do you all think of these women? And do men do this as well?

[oldshirt]

They are just saying that so that they have an 'out' to avoid the people they don't want to date in the first place and so that they don't feel like they are on a dating site looking for dates.

 

 

If they only wanted friends and weren't interested in dating, they wouldn't be on a dating site.

 

 

It's just a ruse and a cover story.

[Popsicle]

Admittedly, I've done this at one point, even though I find it utterly ridiculous to be on a dating site looking for friends. I had a brain farc.

[HansonGirl]

On online dating sites and apps. What do you all think of these women? And do men do this as well?

 

I am one of them. I actually realized whilst on a date that I really wasn't sure what I wanted. I am in a new city in which i don't plan to stay in forever, so i feel ridiculous going on a dating website, but on the other hand I like the idea of having something to do on a friday night. I guess i'm a terrible person. part of it is peer pressure - my sister tells me to go on dates because "you never know" - and I suppose the reality is that I would be willing to start a relationship if i really hit it off with somebody. I suppose some of these other women feel the same, perhaps! it's easier to say upfront you just want a friendship than it is to have to tell a guy you're just not interested later on. but I do feel weird about it. I have done a couple things through meetup. but i prefer a one-on-one interaction.

[Male]

They are just saying that so that they have an 'out' to avoid the people they don't want to date in the first place and so that they don't feel like they are on a dating site looking for dates.

 

 

If they only wanted friends and weren't interested in dating, they wouldn't be on a dating site.

 

 

It's just a ruse and a cover story.

 

So true. I have seen this so many times. 99.99% of the women that say they are just looking for friends are doing exactly what you described. Theres only a select few that are actually looking for a true "just friends" situation.

 

So being the inquisitive guy that I am, I have confronted these women that have those profiles, and asked them.... "If you are just looking for friends then how do you determine who you meet on here? Typically we dont judge our friends based on looks, so doesnt that mean you would have to meet really any guy on here that wanted to be friends with you, to see if you enjoyed each others company"?

 

All the women have pretty much ignored my questions, but I did get a few replies. They all said the same thing....they told me that they wanted to get to know the guy as a friends first, and if things clicked, then it would progress into a relationship. So I asked..."If a guy is friends with you, and trying to show you respect, and maintain that status, how is he supposed to know when its OK to cross that line to something physical? They told me "He will just know when the time is right".

 

And that right there is why I am single for soooo long. Because the majority of women, with the way their brains work, just assume that guys are supposed to "know" stuff like this. Its all fairy-tales and romance novels to a lot of women. They think real life works that way. They think the guy is supposed to kiss her at just the right moment, the way it happens in movies. They have such an unrealistic perception of reality at times. Not all women of course, but most. They project this distorted perception onto men, wondering why guys dont notice them, or why the guy doesnt pick up on this signal or that signal. I truly believe that many women live in an altered reality of perception on how communication works, and how people read each other.

Edited October 26, 2015 by Male

[SolG]

I am one of them. I actually realized whilst on a date that I really wasn't sure what I wanted. I am in a new city in which i don't plan to stay in forever, so i feel ridiculous going on a dating website, but on the other hand I like the idea of having something to do on a friday night. I guess i'm a terrible person. part of it is peer pressure - my sister tells me to go on dates because "you never know" - and I suppose the reality is that I would be willing to start a relationship if i really hit it off with somebody. I suppose some of these other women feel the same, perhaps! it's easier to say upfront you just want a friendship than it is to have to tell a guy you're just not interested later on. but I do feel weird about it. I have done a couple things through meetup. but i prefer a one-on-one interaction.

 

I'm one of them as well :-) Absolutely agree with preferring one-on-one interaction as well. I too go to a couple of meetups, but prefer OLD.

 

I'm very clear in my profile that I'm not looking for hookups or romance; just want to meet interesting new people. I'm also open to men and women.

 

I've actually found it to be a really successful strategy. You'd be surprised the amount of people that find it refreshing to simply meet someone new with no pressure. Because I'm not out to find a partner, I don't limit my contacts/matches to that type of criteria. Basically if I find someone I think is interesting, I pursue it. We chat--to ensure we're on the same page--then catch up.

 

I also don't do anything date-ish in the first instance. I'm a fan of a casual post-workout breakfast or brunch. No makeup, no dressing up, no nerves or pressure. If the conversation is robust and interesting and we connect, we continue the friendship.

 

Thus far I've connected with a female academic that specialises in a country I'm passionate about. A local restaurant owner. A photo-journalist who does a lot of volunteer work for NGOs. A couple of musicians. A kink lifestyle couple that have offered me a fantastic insight into their scene (whilst being endlessly tolerant of my curiosity).

 

That's not to say there hasn't been the odd disaster along the way; but even those are interesting in their own way. And it's also not to say everyone I make a connection with will be an enduring lifelong friendship (although some certainly have the potential to be). But I can tell you that I'm certainly meeting wonderful and fascinating people that I wouldn't otherwise have come across IRL. And it's fun!

 

OLD is just a tool; people can use it anyway they want. All that having been said, if you're using OLD exclusively to search for a potential partner... Just ignore profiles like mine! Easy :-)

[salparadise]

I'm one of them as well :-) [...] All that having been said, if you're using OLD exclusively to search for a potential partner... Just ignore profiles like mine! Easy :-)

 

Nothing personal SolG, but I learned to dismiss out-of-hand any woman who seemed confused as to what dating is about, or what online dating sites are for. There are a whole range of red-flag statements that are tip offs to time wasters and people who are not available mentally/emotionally, e.g., super picky, highly selective, any mention of superficial criteria, must get to know you first, and of course the friends first, and friends only disclaimers.

 

I ended up putting the following in my profile because I finally decided that I had no desire to even interact with anyone who wasn't ready to say they were interested in dating and finding a relationship:

 

"I am looking for a great relationship. I'm not interested in demure, reticent types who want to start a guy out in the friend zone and have him try to wine and dine his way out. We're all grown up, so if we're going to date let's be realistic dispense with the disney games."

 

It worked like garlic on vampires! So I think it pays for guys to include some disclaimers of their own to filter out the time wasters.

[SwordofFlame]

So true. I have seen this so many times. 99.99% of the women that say they are just looking for friends are doing exactly what you described. Theres only a select few that are actually looking for a true "just friends" situation.

 

So being the inquisitive guy that I am, I have confronted these women that have those profiles, and asked them.... "If you are just looking for friends then how do you determine who you meet on here? Typically we dont judge our friends based on looks, so doesnt that mean you would have to meet really any guy on here that wanted to be friends with you, to see if you enjoyed each others company"?

 

All the women have pretty much ignored my questions, but I did get a few replies. They all said the same thing....they told me that they wanted to get to know the guy as a friends first, and if things clicked, then it would progress into a relationship. So I asked..."If a guy is friends with you, and trying to show you respect, and maintain that status, how is he supposed to know when its OK to cross that line to something physical? They told me "He will just know when the time is right".

 

And that right there is why I am single for soooo long. Because the majority of women, with the way their brains work, just assume that guys are supposed to "know" stuff like this. Its all fairy-tales and romance novels to a lot of women. They think real life works that way. They think the guy is supposed to kiss her at just the right moment, the way it happens in movies. They have such an unrealistic perception of reality at times. Not all women of course, but most. They project this distorted perception onto men, wondering why guys dont notice them, or why the guy doesnt pick up on this signal or that signal. I truly believe that many women live in an altered reality of perception on how communication works, and how people read each other.

 

Your whole post sums it up pretty nicely why I don't message these women.

 

On an unrelated note the bolded part is something I've encountered when I ask to go out on a date but the woman says I want to get to know you better first instead of rejecting me. I generally ask them out within 3-5 messages. Let's just say for the women that say "I want to get to know you better first" I've never actually gone out with them because I have no idea when they're ready. They will never tell me or ask me out. I've learned to just move on if they're not willing to go out with me after a few messages.

[carhill]

On online dating sites and apps. What do you all think of these women[looking to 'make friends'?

IMO, they can be on any site for any reason they choose and with any preferences they have. If my choices and preferences don't match, then we miss. In this case, I have plenty of female friends and would be looking for a date or a mate so I'd pass over their profile.

And do men do this as well?

I'm sure some do. I never have. Again, plenty of friends in real life and those are easy to make.

[PegNosePete]

What do you all think of these women?

I think that they are looking for friends. As such I avoided them since I was not looking for friends, I already have plenty.

 

And do men do this as well?

I'm sure they do, but probably it's reactionary: ie. because they see women doing it, they think it's a good way to get more women to respond to them.

[serial muse]

I did this at one point in my life, when I had just moved to a new city and genuinely didn't know anybody, felt lonely, and wanted to make some friends. I also put "looking for both men and women" in my profile.

 

At that point I had never done online dating so I didn't realize how many people wouldn't understand or would think it was code for something else. Shrug. It was 100% honest and a genuine way of trying to meet new people, on my part. Certainly never thought it would actively piss people off.

[Mrin]

I avoided women that said this like the plague. I find women who know what they want to be very attractive. The opposite is true. And women who post this on a dating site clearly do not know what they want. On a meet up site? No problem.

[RedRobin]

Sites like OKC allow a range of responses (or used to) from friends, to short term relationships, to long term relationships. I never viewed it as a strictly dating site. I think you can make it anything you want... Although, if you are a woman, a lot of guys tend to interpret things in a way that suits them... Friends does not mean casual. There was a box for that too, and I wasn't checking it.

 

I suspect that some of the people who put that down don't want first meetings and thereabouts to be a grope fest. I did OKC for awhile and put that down along with the long term relationship thing because I really was looking for a LTR, but wasn't on the timetable that most people there seem to be on... I.e. Screwing strangers.

 

So, might be the same way for those people. They aren't having sex on the third date or sooner. So yea, pass if you are the type that prefers to hookup as your means of filtering people. I was always happy to not be in that bin, personally.

 

At some point, I realized that OKC and the other free sites were more about hooking up (no matter what I said, the guys would ignore it) so I only did paid sites after that. I still avoided profiles that were overly sexual or suggestive or is they seemed too eager to get to the intimacy part without getting to know me.

 

That has worked very well for me.

Edited October 26, 2015 by RedRobin

[serial muse]

I avoided women that said this like the plague. I find women who know what they want to be very attractive. The opposite is true. And women who post this on a dating site clearly do not know what they want. On a meet up site? No problem.

 

I mean, it doesn't really matter, because if they aren't looking for a date anyway, then they're not interested, and if they are, they're not your type so you're not interested. What could be tidier?!

 

What I don't get is the people who seem pissed about it, or assume it's gotta be a lie and why can't women know what they want and yadda schmadda.

 

To them I say, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. And if you don't see what you want in a person's profile, you could always just move on rather than psychoanalyzing. Unnecessary anger really only hurts you.

[Male]

I did this at one point in my life, when I had just moved to a new city and genuinely didn't know anybody, felt lonely, and wanted to make some friends. I also put "looking for both men and women" in my profile.

 

At that point I had never done online dating so I didn't realize how many people wouldn't understand or would think it was code for something else. Shrug. It was 100% honest and a genuine way of trying to meet new people, on my part. Certainly never thought it would actively piss people off.

 

The problem of why people dont understand is because you are in the minority for truly looking for "just friends" on a "dating site". Most women that use that phrase have alterior motives and are not actually looking for just friends.

 

Blame all the women that have ruined and took advantage of the situation not the people that are reacting based on the experience of getting burned over and over.

[sambolini]

I take them at their word; that they are just looking for friends. As such, I ignored them. When I was on a dating site, it was not to make friends.

 

If they say they're looking for friends when they're not really looking for friends, then I have no sympathy if they didn't have any luck.

 

Say what you mean. I'm not going to waste time trying to decipher a person's "code" or whatever. If you can't say what you mean, it's your problem if you don't get the desired outcome.

[RedRobin]

The problem of why people dont understand is because you are in the minority for truly looking for "just friends" on a "dating site". Most women that use that phrase have alterior motives and are not actually looking for just friends.

 

Blame all the women that have ruined and took advantage of the situation not the people that are reacting based on the experience of getting burned over and over.

 

 

What ulterior motive would that be? If you were sincerely just looking for a friend yourself, d wanted to take your time getting to know someone, then it would be fine, right?

 

 

I'd think it would be the men's fault for trying to read something into that statement that isn't there... ie, they want to assume it is friends with 'benefits' or casual... even though the woman isn't checking the 'casual' box.

 

 

I got a few emails from men INSISTING this was a dating site only... WTF? Why do they care? oh right.... every woman there has to be DTF ASAP or else you aren't getting your money's worth. Is how I interpreted the comments from those men.

 

 

But it was useful for one thing... I would never go to a free site again. Some people get really bent out of shape when you insist on knowing someone as a FRIEND and someone trustworthy before you have sex with them. In my world, and for a lot of people IRL, they ARE friends first, or have some circle of acquaintances in common, or know each other at work... before they start something romantic. Online, it's a friggin free for all. One of the least favorite parts of OLD when I do it. Also why I agree to meet very few men there. You guys and your fellow men have yourself to blame for that.... treating OLD like your own personal get sex line.

 

 

I'd argue that there are other more legitimate 'get sex' websites too... for guys who think 'dating' = sex ASAP.

Edited October 28, 2015 by RedRobin

[PegNosePete]

What ulterior motive would that be?

Free dinners, ego boost, "proving a point" (eg. men don't read profiles).

 

I got a few emails from men INSISTING this was a dating site only... WTF? Why do they care? oh right.... every woman there has to be DTF ASAP or else you aren't getting your money's worth. Is how I interpreted the comments from those men.

Yes, sounds about right. I have no idea why a decent guy would send a message like that. A decent guy who is looking for more than friends would simply pass you by. Which would account for your lack of success. Put off all the decent guys and only the d-bags and DTF's are left. And as you're aware they will message anyone with boobs and a pulse (even the pulse is optional).

[RedRobin]

Free dinners, ego boost, "proving a point" (eg. men don't read profiles).

 

 

Yes, sounds about right. I have no idea why a decent guy would send a message like that. A decent guy who is looking for more than friends would simply pass you by. Which would account for your lack of success. Put off all the decent guys and only the d-bags and DTF's are left. And as you're aware they will message anyone with boobs and a pulse (even the pulse is optional).

 

 

Actually, I had a lot of success once I got off the free sites.

 

 

And it's too bad for those other guys, since I always pay my share and wasn't there for an ego boost.

 

 

See, if they are looking for a friend, then you don't pay their way, correct? You go do fun things together and get to know them? That's how people get to know each other if you aren't sure how you feel about them romantically and aren't the type to be jumping in the sack with strangers. Anyway, aren't YOU unsure about someone when you first meet them? Why the rush?

 

 

I always saw it as a blessing when guys passed me by for wanting to take things more slowly. I took it as confirmation that THEY weren't really looking for a relationship, and they were on a 'dating' site for something else. Not really dating, lol.

 

But yea, I did come across a lot of d-bags on the free sites. I figured that's where the d-bags go... simple.

Edited October 28, 2015 by RedRobin

[PegNosePete]

I always saw it as a blessing when guys passed me by for wanting to take things more slowly. I took it as confirmation that THEY weren't really looking for a relationship

Why does taking things slowly, mean "friends first"? I don't see the connection. I didn't kiss my partner til date 7 or 8 and didn't have sex til... well we'd stopped counting by then. That is definitely "going slowly" by most people's standards these days. But not once did I consider us as "friends"; we were always "dating". And if she had suggested that we were just friends, or that she was looking for friendship, then I would've bailed. I don't have the time or patience to play "friends". I have plenty of friends already.

 

and they were on a 'dating' site for something else. Not really dating, lol.

But that surely also applies to women who are on a 'dating' site, looking for 'friends'...? Not really dating, lol.

 

But yea, I did come across a lot of d-bags on the free sites. I figured that's where the d-bags go... simple.

Yes d-bags is one drawback of free sites but whether that outweighs the drawbacks of the paid ones, is up to the individual I guess. Well, the free vs paid debate has been done and re-done on here so not much point re-opening it here.

[RedRobin]

Why does taking things slowly, mean "friends first"? I don't see the connection. I didn't kiss my partner til date 7 or 8 and didn't have sex til... well we'd stopped counting by then. That is definitely "going slowly" by most people's standards these days. But not once did I consider us as "friends"; we were always "dating". And if she had suggested that we were just friends, or that she was looking for friendship, then I would've bailed. I don't have the time or patience to play "friends". I have plenty of friends already.

 

 

But that surely also applies to women who are on a 'dating' site, looking for 'friends'...? Not really dating, lol.

 

 

Yes d-bags is one drawback of free sites but whether that outweighs the drawbacks of the paid ones, is up to the individual I guess. Well, the free vs paid debate has been done and re-done on here so not much point re-opening it here.

 

 

You would be unusual then. When I had a 'standard' profile, it was not uncommon for guys to try to kiss me on the first meeting, and try to escalate very quickly. Even when I later added more language to indicate that wasn't my pace, it didn't really change anything. At least not on the free sites (you are right, won't go into another discussion about it here).

 

 

... and I also put 'long term relationship' in my selection as well. It wasn't just looking for friends.

 

 

I think a little empathy would go a long way here. There are only so many ways a woman can get it across up front that she wants to get to know a guy before getting romantic without coming across as a prude or bitter.

 

 

A guy can avoid the time-wasters, ego boosters, and gold diggers pretty easy. Probably won't be amongst the ones looking for friends first.

 

 

More likely among the ones promising the moon... The best fish don't tend to be the ones jumping into your boat, ya know?

[serial muse]

The problem of why people dont understand is because you are in the minority for truly looking for "just friends" on a "dating site". Most women that use that phrase have alterior motives and are not actually looking for just friends.

 

Blame all the women that have ruined and took advantage of the situation not the people that are reacting based on the experience of getting burned over and over.

 

I'm not interested in blaming anyone; I think it's a waste of time, which is kind of my point. I don't see the point in people getting angry over this; I sort of think that those who do ought to consider looking inward on that one. That same anger at people's profiles is very likely an issue in other ways. And as women who said they're looking for "friends" weren't the same ones who took advantage by date-faking (those people would have said they were looking for dates, not friends), this entire argument doesn't make sense anyway. I think people just enjoy getting mad at strangers when they're frustrated; strangers make a verrrrry convenient target. The problem comes, of course, when that unjustified anger is translated onto future dates.

 

I certainly think the responsibility for the reaction lies with those who are irrationally reacting, though. I think it's silly to get mad at women for not doing what you want. I think it's silly to "blame them" for anything at all. That's exactly my point. So you're not a match and you apparently want different things. Hooray! Now you know. Walk on by, the end, full stop. You will never ever ever ever have to actually deal with that person and her bullshxt, so that's the good news! Yay.

 

Also - once upon a time these sites weren't solely identified as "dating sites". Certainly I wouldn't bother looking for friends on such sites now, because I'm well aware that people don't believe you, for whatever reasons of their own. But at the time - I'm talking ten-plus years ago - this was far more nebulous. This was before the era of Meetup, etc.

Edited October 28, 2015 by serial muse

[Odinani]

There is nothing wrong with this at all. As long as they state they are only looking for friends they are not wasting anybody's time.

[PegNosePete]

When I had a 'standard' profile, it was not uncommon for guys to try to kiss me on the first meeting, and try to escalate very quickly. Even when I later added more language to indicate that wasn't my pace, it didn't really change anything.

Absolutely, sorting the wheat from the chaff is one of the biggest issues that women face.

 

You have to understand that the DTF crowd do not read the profiles. So as you found out, adding more and more disclaimers and language and explanations in words of no more than 2 syllables, doesn't help.

 

In my opinion, putting "friends first", is throwing the baby out with the bathwater. In trying to reduce the number of messages from the wrong type of guys, you'll also be putting off the right type of guys as well. As shown by this thread, most of the "decent guys" who have responded have said they would pass by a woman who put "friends first".

 

There are only so many ways a woman can get it across up front that she wants to get to know a guy before getting romantic without coming across as a prude or bitter.

Yes, but what's wrong with simply writing "looking for a relationship"? You can go into more detail in the real-life meeting. If they go too fast you don't see them again. Simples.

 

The best fish don't tend to be the ones jumping into your boat, ya know?

Really? One of the most often-given tips for women on online dating is to not rely on incoming messages from guys (most of which will be the DTF crowd), but rather to search for and message guys they like. Which seems contradictory to what you've written above.

[carhill]

Oh, there was another permutation of the 'friends' thing that I also actively avoided, in keeping in line with harsh lessons from the demographic I dated in and the women in it. That was phrases like 'friends first'. I tried that as a younger man, wasting about a decade in the process, then learned that successful men were lovers and romancers first and became 'best friends' with their partner later and married their 'best friend'.

 

Getting to know a woman as 'friends first' both left her open to the more sexual advances of another man, which she was used to and viewed as normal, as well as provided more opportunities for her attraction to whither on the vine without any fertilizing by emotional attachment from sex. Hence, when online dating first began, and I saw that 'friends first' thing, zoom, right on by those profiles I went. The successes, meaning relationships and marriage, came with women who were lovers first and friends later and didn't advertise anything about friends in their profile.

 

These days, the word 'friends' has been watered down to include a whole range of interactions, from mere acquaintances to people we have sex with, like 'friends with benefits'. Times have changed with regard to the word and how its used.