Update on my situation

[NewLeaf512]

I've only been a member here for a few months but I've read many stories in the OW / OM thread because I am an ex OW.

 

An observation thus far believe I've seen 2 posters writing about their amazing life that were in amazing marriages filled with sex, love, and intimacy choose an A, have no intent to see the AP for anything other than sex, and don't mind risking the amazing marriage to the super spouse and risking everything for a shag.

 

The OW take serious verbal knives here quite other and are expected to and do get all if not most of the blame and scorn. The WS are seen to have been lured WS into the A. Nonsense. If you are in love and have respect with your spouse, WS,:::WS usually are in someway unfulfilled in their marriage and they usually are the A initiators

 

Just because I somehow mistyped this:

 

OW are seen to be dangerous vixens who stealth around in the dark looking for MM to prey upon, pounce upon and drag back to the lair of the OW for seduction and brainwashing against their will. That notion in my experience is utter nonsense.

[gettingstronger]

You're doing great! Keep on keeping on!

[Rainbowlove]

You don't know me or what I've had to deal with the past 10 years of my life

 

All that matters is that you know the truth of your situation. You move forward, heal and find happiness in your life, Jos.

 

Wishing you much peace and love in your life.

 

RL

[Krashi]

 

It's typical that, for a lot of people, all other issues go by the wayside because they can't focus on anything other than the affair. So what if there were other massive problems, right? So what if the marriage was an inch from imploding? He's the victim now because you cheated. I would ignore this stuff. People love to believe that if they treat their spouses like crap, or if they neglect and ignore them, they still have no responsibility for their spouse having an affair. It's a way to take the focus off of them and a new way to further beat up their spouse.

 

I say to everyone, treat your spouse like you care, listen when they tell you there's a problem. If you don't, then that's the risk you take.

 

Typically, the WS narrative re the state of the marriage, and especially the responsibility for the state, is untrue, slanted to justify the cheating.

[Krashi]

I've only been a member here for a few months but I've read many stories in the OW / OM thread because I am an ex OW.

 

An observation thus far believe I've seen 2 posters writing about their amazing life that were in amazing marriages filled with sex, love, and intimacy choose an A, have no intent to see the AP for anything other than sex, and don't mind risking the amazing marriage to the super spouse and risking everything for a shag.

 

The OW take serious verbal knives here quite other and are expected to and do get all if not most of the blame and scorn. The WS are seen to have been lured WS into the A. Nonsense. If you are in love and have respect with your spouse, WS,:::WS usually are in someway unfulfilled in their marriage and they usually are the A initiators

 

I have found that , often, WSs have unrealistic expectation re the marriage and that they place responsibility for their happiness on their spouse, vs taking this responsibility themselves.

And, of course, if the marriage was so bad, divorce is readily and easily available in a relatively short time.

So, why not , simply, divorce vs hurt another needlessly?

[Krashi]

Just because I somehow mistyped this:

 

OW are seen to be dangerous vixens who stealth around in the dark looking for MM to prey upon, pounce upon and drag back to the lair of the OW for seduction and brainwashing against their will. That notion in my experience is utter nonsense.

 

Yes, WS is equally responsible. For the most part, rather than dangerous, mu impression is that most OW and OM are naive and immature, essentially cases of arrested development. JMHO.

[ladydesigner]

Yes, WS is equally responsible. For the most part, rather than dangerous, mu impression is that most OW and OM are naive and immature, essentially cases of arrested development. JMHO.

 

I don't think it always naivety. Sometimes it is often when we are at a low point and it is something that makes a person feel good again, the attention. I can see how it happens. Many OW/OM are smart and responsible individuals caught up in bad situations. Then there are others who don't feel A's are that bad.

[Krashi]

Yes, WS is equally responsible. For the most part, rather than dangerous, mu impression is that most OW and OM are naive and immature, essentially cases of arrested development. JMHO.

 

This has not been my experince when associating with them.

[ShatteredLady]

In my experience (friends & family. Not just my H) so, so, so many affairs start with a normal good marriage. The WS just happens to meet someone who creates some butterflies, a bit of fantasy & a complete nightmare builds from there.

 

I've said before, it just takes the wrong person at a low point (work stress or feeling 'less' & unappreciated at work, life passing them by, lack of integrity, morals etc) & it all turns to s**t from there.

 

I've had a couple of friends who had affairs. Left their husbands & later had the honesty to say they lost their best friend, partner, history for nothing more, in many ways less, than they had before.

 

I'm not saying that there aren't a lot of crappy marriages out there. The OP's for example. Most cheaters & BS's don't come to forums. Most actually keep the secret & carry on. By definition people lie when they cheat! Too many OW & OM believe everything they're told. They experience the BS at the worst time in their lives & judge them.

 

I don't know! It's a complicated subject. We only see a tiny percentage of those involved in A's on forums.

[Josmatjes]

 

It's typical that, for a lot of people, all other issues go by the wayside because they can't focus on anything other than the affair. So what if there were other massive problems, right? So what if the marriage was an inch from imploding? He's the victim now because you cheated. I would ignore this stuff. People love to believe that if they treat their spouses like crap, or if they neglect and ignore them, they still have no responsibility for their spouse having an affair. It's a way to take the focus off of them and a new way to further beat up their spouse.

 

I say to everyone, treat your spouse like you care, listen when they tell you there's a problem. If you don't, then that's the risk you take.

 

It's so true! The focus is on that I strayed but what about a sexless marrage or being ignored. So that's ok but me falling in love with someone else is so taboo. I'm not denying my responsibility and my husband owns up to his share too. It takes two to make it or break it as far as I am concerned. I really did do everything in my power to save my marrage. My affair was my last straw. I mean how many years can you live like brother and sister? But anyway we do get along much better now that's for sure. My xmm is still married and miserable. We talk occasionally but I am saddened that he won't take steps to better himself but it's not my life nor concern...

[Josmatjes]

In my experience (friends & family. Not just my H) so, so, so many affairs start with a normal good marriage. The WS just happens to meet someone who creates some butterflies, a bit of fantasy & a complete nightmare builds from there.

 

I've said before, it just takes the wrong person at a low point (work stress or feeling 'less' & unappreciated at work, life passing them by, lack of integrity, morals etc) & it all turns to s**t from there.

 

I've had a couple of friends who had affairs. Left their husbands & later had the honesty to say they lost their best friend, partner, history for nothing more, in many ways less, than they had before.

 

I'm not saying that there aren't a lot of crappy marriages out there. The OP's for example. Most cheaters & BS's don't come to forums. Most actually keep the secret & carry on. By definition people lie when they cheat! Too many OW & OM believe everything they're told. They experience the BS at the worst time in their lives & judge them.

I don't know! It's a complicated subject. We only see a tiny percentage of those involved in A's on forums.

 

I'm not so Sure about that. Most people in good marriages don't cheat. I believe that cheating is a symptom to a bigger problem. I really do. I was unhappy for so long that I thought I would jump out of my skin! I couldn't take it anymore I was so lonely it was unbearable. I love my husband but he treated me like his mom. Yes, when mm started pursuing me I was flattered, but I never ever would have strayed if I'd been having any kind of sex with my husband. I felt like I was single. Say I was out at a meeting that ran late. I'd get home he would be asleep and the house is locked tight and not one outside light left on for me. This happened too many times to count. He didn't put anything into this marrage. It was a sad marrage and I blame him...

[Krashi]

 

It's so true! The focus is on that I strayed but what about a sexless marrage or being ignored. So that's ok but me falling in love with someone else is so taboo. I'm not denying my responsibility and my husband owns up to his share too. It takes two to make it or break it as far as I am concerned. I really did do everything in my power to save my marrage. My affair was my last straw. I mean how many years can you live like brother and sister? But anyway we do get along much better now that's for sure. My xmm is still married and miserable. We talk occasionally but I am saddened that he won't take steps to better himself but it's not my life nor concern...

 

Divorce was the honorable and, relatively easy option.

But, what about yiur AP's wife? Surely, she had done nothing to you that warranted your participation in emotionally abusing her. How do you justify breaching your duth of care for another human being that had never hatmed you.

She played no role i your sexless marriage, yet yiu were willing to hurt her, needlessly.

[Krashi]

You had myriad other options, though. Why hurt your husband and the other man's wife and kids( if he had some).

This is where your justifications fail you. There was absolutely no necessity for going this route. You were not trapped a d could have been free without hurting innocents.

[Poppy47]

This has not been my experince when associating with them.

 

I think as a 60 year old when I had an A it was because of an extremely low point in my life. People of all ages and innumerable situations have affairs.

 

Not everyone is immature.

Poppy

[Poppy47]

Krashi

I think you are getting very judgemental with a narrow point of view. We are here to support others positively whether they are right or wrong.

 

How much experience have you actually had with OW/OM?

 

Poppy.

[lilacwine]

 

Divorce was the honorable and, relatively easy option.

But, what about yiur AP's wife? Surely, she had done nothing to you that warranted your participation in emotionally abusing her. How do you justify breaching your duth of care for another human being that had never hatmed you.

She played no role i your sexless marriage, yet yiu were willing to hurt her, needlessly.

 

WOW, since when is divorce a relatively EASY option???

[Krashi]

Krashi

I think you are getting very judgemental with a narrow point of view. We are here to support others positively whether they are right or wrong.

 

How much experience have you actually had with OW/OM?

 

Poppy.

 

I know approximately 25 relatively well. Some are very bright, but none of them have a high regard for the rights of others based on the way they conduct many aspects of their lives. Additionally, I have noticed they lack empathy, which makes sense when you consider their willingness to inflict pain on innocents, like kids of thei AP or their APs spouse, folks who have never hsrned them.

I know people who cheat, quite often justify it by their own spousss slleged deficiencies. But, I am curious how the deal with this very real issue of their willimgness to harm or cause pain to third parties they have, often, never even met.

Where is their empathy for those folks, the AP's kids or spouse?

[Krashi]

 

WOW, since when is divorce a relatively EASY option???[/QUOT

 

Since it became no fault. Quick, and a relatively uncomplicated area of law. May cause some discomfort but preferable to the extreme pain stemming from the abuse of infidelity. No one is robbing another of choice and precious time, limited time, here on earth by defrauding that person into relying on a sacred contract that is clandestinely being broken unilaterally.

[Krashi]

Krashi

I think you are getting very judgemental with a narrow point of view. We are here to support others positively whether they are right or wrong.

 

How much experience have you actually had with OW/OM?

 

Poppy.

 

Really? We support them if they are wrong? How does that benefit the person? We re-enforce something we believe is wrong, thus helping the person,eh? Makes perfect sense to me:o

[twosadthings]

He'll always be the guy that didn't leave the light on and you'll always be the one who lied and cheated. That can't be a good feeling. Blame him for a bad marriage but don't blame him for cheating.

 

 

You are now at the same place you would have been if you made an honorable choice back before you cheated. Ask yourself if it was worth losing the moral high ground in doing so?

 

 

I can't question where you wound up, I don't agree with how you got there.

 

 

Just sayin',

 

 

Twosadthings

[Got it]

Almost two months now separated.we get along better but he isn't interested in going out alone and he is waiting for me to get another therapist. He doesn't seem to want to change. The more I'm living alone the more I like it.i am a bit lonely at times but it's much worse to be lonely when you with someone...

 

This. Exactly. And a big part of why I have never regretted my divorce for a second. I was so happy alone and the most lonely I have ever been was in that marriage.

[sandylee1]

 

It's so true! The focus is on that I strayed but what about a sexless marrage or being ignored. So that's ok but me falling in love with someone else is so taboo. I'm not denying my responsibility and my husband owns up to his share too. It takes two to make it or break it as far as I am concerned. I really did do everything in my power to save my marrage. My affair was my last straw. I mean how many years can you live like brother and sister? But anyway we do get along much better now that's for sure. My xmm is still married and miserable. We talk occasionally but I am saddened that he won't take steps to better himself but it's not my life nor concern...

 

I understand you didn't want a sexless marriage - is your husband not interested in sex? Are there physical issues or does he suffer with low self esteem?

 

Why didn't you divorce or request an open marriage instead of cheating ?

[Sub]

He didn't put anything into this marrage. It was a sad marrage and I blame him...

You can only take responsibility for your own actions. Your H isn't here to defend himself. You had an A to deal with a choice you made IMO: spending nearly two decades - and having kids - with a man who put nothing into your relationship.

[Rainbowlove]

He didn't put anything into this marrage. It was a sad marrage and I blame him...

 

I think this is a normal thought process when the relationship/marriage comes to an end.

 

We start seeing where all the faults are in the union. We can list all our grievances...one by one. It's called resentment.

 

I know prior to my own affair I had a HUGE list going. I didn't see that internal list of wrong doings committed by my wife as a warning sign that my marriage was in jeopardy. Heck, I didn't even see it as a warning sign that I was extremely unhappy in my relationship.

 

Best to you moving forward.

[Krashi]

I think this is a normal thought process when the relationship/marriage comes to an end.

 

We start seeing where all the faults are in the union. We can list all our grievances...one by one. It's called resentment.

 

I know prior to my own affair I had a HUGE list going. I didn't see that internal list of wrong doings committed by my wife as a warning sign that my marriage was in jeopardy. Heck, I didn't even see it as a warning sign that I was extremely unhappy in my relationship.

 

Best to you moving forward.

 

Typically, ifyou ask the betrayed ifhe or she had a similar list of grievances, you will find they do. Often, it is even longer ( after all they were dealing with a spouse who has demonstrated low integrity, lack of empathy, poor communications and problem solving abilities (( think that might contribute to marital problems?)).

Yet, for some reason ( character and integrity, perhaps?) the betrayed has not cheated.

I am amazed the people accept the cheater's versio of the source of marital problems, neglecting the fact that they are dealing with someon who, by definiton, is practiced in lying and deceit, and, moreimportnastly , extremely motivated to mislead to justify their actions to themselves and others.