Life on the other side

[ZHguy]

It's just sexual. Well, rarely.

Other than that, we occasionally have decent emails about our day/week.

We meet, rarely.

 

I have a world full of problems, and eyes full of tears, and so much to bitch about, to talk about.

He's much older than me. I'm an eighteen year old bisexual male. We met for sex at first. I'm not out.

He's married. The equivalent of married, he's been in a partnership with a younger male for several years. Which means I'm the other man. They don't have sex anymore.

It hurts that I can't have something more, which is what I want. It can't go further. Whenever I need to pour out my emotions, in the tiny gaps of time we're allowed to meet, his stoicness (? is that a word) dominates the tone of the conversation, like he forces it down on me. Suddenly, all of my worries fade away. But when he's out of my sight, the problems start stacking right back down on me, again.

 

It's not like I want an affair with him, just something in between being flesh for whenever he's ready, and his significant other. I can't even properly say 'I'm the other man', because I'm something even less than that. It hurts. That close connection is what I want. Intimacy. I don't have it in my life. My life is cold. I just need a friend, a something.

 

I'm in a heterosexual world where I have to be with a woman. I want to be. I want that woman. That woman that never came to me. But, whenever I'm around them. I have to act different, I have to make my posture more bold, pretend to be the alpha, without the cockiness of course. Act cool. Be confident. Be.... . And then the looks, I'm a nice 7 to 8/10. But not enough for women. They want the biceps loaded, and the height stretched. But with men, I can be me. Men understand my value, if they get to know me. Even just as a friend. My value that's not understood anywhere.

 

I like feeling like I'm worth something. Like I exist. Like I matter to somebody. I don't currently, because even still, there isn't anybody. Man or woman. Friend or relationship, or something in between.

 

Is there anybody there that understands me?

 

Sometimes I feel like reversing time to ten and a half years ago, when everything was fine. When I was a kid, so I could just roll into my blanket and not come out.

[cocorico]

If you're not happy with your relationship, end it. You owe this guy nothing, and you don't have to make yourself available to him.

 

If you want a relationship - with a man, or a woman, or both - where you're valued, you need to value yourself more. You're only 18 - don't beat yourself up that you haven't found your perfect fit yet. You still have so much growing and changing to do. Don't rush things.

 

Get to know people you respect, whose values you share. Hang out with good friends and make good memories. You're more likely to meet the kind of person you'd want to have a relationship with while you're living authentically, having fun, letting others see what you have to offer in a low-pressure setting.

[SolG]

ZHguy, You have so much going on here in your life. Adolescence is a challenge for many; and moreso for boys and girls like you dealing with your sexuality.

 

Your MM sounds to me like a predator taking advantage of your youth and isolation. He is exploiting your vulnerability and manipulating you for sex. As a mature gay man, he should know better given that he more than likely would have been in your shoes once; struggling to understand himself and his place in the world, and fearful of coming out. Frankly, I feel like slapping him!

 

I recommend you get in touch with well meaning people that are, or have been where you are. Perhaps through the It Gets Better Project, or other like organisations. You're not alone in your struggle and there are people out there who care and can help. And amongst them you should be able to find some that will truly connect; unlike your douchey MM.

 

I hope you find the strength to ditch this guy, and to truly be yourself.

[Popsicle]

I think that you have more than one issue going on here, besides the affair. I recommend that you NOT be with a woman or a married man, and find a single man.

[Popsicle]

I wonder why these married men stopped having sex with each other...

[ZHguy]

Your MM sounds to me like a predator taking advantage of your youth and isolation. He is exploiting your vulnerability and manipulating you for sex. As a mature gay man, he should know better given that he more than likely would have been in your shoes once; struggling to understand himself and his place in the world, and fearful of coming out. Frankly, I feel like slapping him!

 

I know, but in the end these men don't think they have that responsibility. I feel like I should clear his name up. The sex part is rare. This man is very humble and honest. Most of our interactions are through words. I want sex, and as a man, so does he. But our relationship mostly is sort of in between stranger and friend. The stranger part hurts. But, he's not a predator, nor is he manipulating me for sex.

[ZHguy]

I don't owe this guy anything, which also hurts. But I have to grab every opportunity I can, of getting close to somebody. He's an opportunity. I wish there was somebody.

[gettingstronger]

Are you still in high school or attend college- if so there are usually on campus groups for gay and bi-sexual students of your age- I think its a combo of being 18 and being bisexual-its a confusing time- maybe people of your own age bracket could give you some clarity-

 

On the subject of adultery- you should probably end it with the married man- you are adding another layer of difficulty in your life by being with someone who is not available-

[anika99]

I don't owe this guy anything, which also hurts. But I have to grab every opportunity I can, of getting close to somebody. He's an opportunity. I wish there was somebody.

 

Does his partner know that he is having sex with you? If not then he is not an honest man.

 

It's fine to chase your opportunities but it's dangerous to look at every situation as an opportunity. This man is not an opportunity. Somebody who cheats and who wants to use you as their bit on the side is not an opportunity. You think the guy isn't preying on you because you likely think you are not that naive and that you would know if someone was preying on you. That's exactly the thinking that makes young people attractive to predators.

 

I think you need a friend or a relative to talk to. You need to open up to somebody in a safe relationship that is nonsexual.

[Rainbowlove]

I hear your pain and I have been there as an open lesbian.

 

Getting to who we really are on the inside, finding the courage to be that, may it be a gay male or bi male, takes deep soul searching, pain and guts.

 

In our lives, we need to live with honesty. Without self-pride and confidence, we are swallowed up alive.

 

You cannot live in a heterosexual world, if you are not heterosexual. Just as a straight man or woman cannot live in a gay world.

 

If you are bi - you are between worlds. You need to find the honesty in that with everyone you are with. No hiding. No pretending to be anything that what you truly are on the side, or you'll never find happiness.

 

This is no easy task.

 

You need support. Get a LGBT counselor. Join a youth LGBT organization. Become part of the community. Embrace it little by little.

 

I did this in 1992. I didn't know one single lesbian. I found the gay bars, that were only underground and built friendships and community. You can do this, too.

 

You deserve more than being someone's 2nd. You deserve to have someone by your side. But before you get to finding someone to be with, you need to fix the inside of you or you'll not be good for anyone.

 

Please seek professional help and support from the community. You can easily find LBGT organizations online. Stay away from bars.

 

Stay away from unsafe sex.

 

You are looking for love in all the wrong places.

 

It starts with loving thy self.

[goodyblue]

This just makes my heart ache. You are really young. I know you feel like an adult and you are but even as adults we grow and change so much. I am 46 and still learn and grow all the time. I am telling you right now the one thing I know is that being mired down in an unhappy relationship (is it even a relationship?) Its not where you want to be. A little pain walking away now to find a better match is worth it.

 

Take life at your own pace and don't let him run you. You have a voice. When the pain exceeds the pleasure it it's time to walk.

 

Take care of YOU.

 

OMG and what rainbow said... safe sex!!!

[ShatteredLady]

Quote - "But I have to grab every opportunity I can, of getting close to somebody. He's an opportunity. I wish there was somebody."

 

Only the last sentence doesn't break my heart! Please don't start your 'romantic' life like this! Find organizations & groups in your area. You're NOT alone. There are so many young men in your situation.

 

As others have said, you need some deep soul searching. Are you gay or are you bi? Please live your life authentically. I'm sorry that you're in this situation & I'm sorry that you're confused but that DOES NOT give you the moral rite to screw with other peoples lives. Does your MM partner know about you? Is he ok with it? The agony of betrayal isn't something you should ever be complicit in.

 

Do the women you adopt your other persona with know the truth? Your description of what you think women want is WAY off base. There are many HONEST, loving, compassionate men & women in this world who would love to grow & share with you. They're who you should be looking for.

 

Please don't use your sexual orientation/confusion as an excuse to lower yourself to be used. PLEASE don't use it as an excuse to hurt people & mess with their hearts. Be a man of substance!! You think your life is hard now, it will be a million times worse with no self esteme & crushing guilt piled on-top!! Treat others as you wish to be treated yourself.

[ZHguy]

No, he's an opportunity I don't even have. Because he's not even mine.

I live in a heterosexual world because the place I study at is made up of ethnic minorities who are very traditional and generally homophobic. I have friends here and it doesn't bother me. But no one close.

He's not 'preying' on me. Would it be relatively bad if he did though?

There's basically no one. I don't mean something to somebody. I wish I did

[MsHopeful0208201689]

It's just sexual. Well, rarely.

Other than that, we occasionally have decent emails about our day/week.

We meet, rarely.

 

I have a world full of problems, and eyes full of tears, and so much to bitch about, to talk about.

He's much older than me. I'm an eighteen year old bisexual male. We met for sex at first. I'm not out.

He's married. The equivalent of married, he's been in a partnership with a younger male for several years. Which means I'm the other man. They don't have sex anymore.

It hurts that I can't have something more, which is what I want. It can't go further. Whenever I need to pour out my emotions, in the tiny gaps of time we're allowed to meet, his stoicness (? is that a word) dominates the tone of the conversation, like he forces it down on me. Suddenly, all of my worries fade away. But when he's out of my sight, the problems start stacking right back down on me, again.

 

It's not like I want an affair with him, just something in between being flesh for whenever he's ready, and his significant other. I can't even properly say 'I'm the other man', because I'm something even less than that. It hurts. That close connection is what I want. Intimacy. I don't have it in my life. My life is cold. I just need a friend, a something.

 

I'm in a heterosexual world where I have to be with a woman. I want to be. I want that woman. That woman that never came to me. But, whenever I'm around them. I have to act different, I have to make my posture more bold, pretend to be the alpha, without the cockiness of course. Act cool. Be confident. Be.... . And then the looks, I'm a nice 7 to 8/10. But not enough for women. They want the biceps loaded, and the height stretched. But with men, I can be me. Men understand my value, if they get to know me. Even just as a friend. My value that's not understood anywhere.

 

I like feeling like I'm worth something. Like I exist. Like I matter to somebody. I don't currently, because even still, there isn't anybody. Man or woman. Friend or relationship, or something in between.

 

Is there anybody there that understands me?

 

Sometimes I feel like reversing time to ten and a half years ago, when everything was fine. When I was a kid, so I could just roll into my blanket and not come out.

 

First and foremost, I feel for you hun. I think if the relationship is making you this unhappy then you need to end it, go NC. Be single for a while, start loving yourself more & the right person will come along whether it be male or female. Value yourself more than to let someone treat you this way. Put yourself out into the world, make friends, or at the least meet new single friends online. There is someone out there that will see your worth. If you need a friend feel free to send me a private message. Good luck!

[ZHguy]

First and foremost, I feel for you hun. I think if the relationship is making you this unhappy then you need to end it, go NC. Be single for a while, start loving yourself more & the right person will come along whether it be male or female. Value yourself more than to let someone treat you this way. Put yourself out into the world, make friends, or at the least meet new single friends online. There is someone out there that will see your worth. If you need a friend feel free to send me a private message. Good luck!

 

After consideration. I'm trying to go NC. I don't know how, but it's worth a start. On the other hand, I have another option just to keep it sexual. You're so right.

 

If I do go NC, I'm back to square one (which is late 2012 to late 2013, cause I was very lost and confused then) . Confused. Lost. I feel like I have a lot more knowing of myself to do. Same with how it was then. The silver lining is. Like there was an outcome after the first time I was in a similar state to this (which was sex, men, and me claiming that i'm my own man and don't need a father), I'm know there's gonna be another outcome after the end of this dark tunnel. It's exciting. Let's just hope it's not unstable and ****ed up like the last one