Back with the ex but still feeling troubled in my head!

[reconstruct]

Hello everyone!

 

First time poster here. I chanced across this forum while looking for other people's experiences regarding a situation I'm facing right now. While some of the threads have been very helpful in providing me perspective, I still wanted to put my experience across and see what responses I can get. So here's my story:

 

I was dating this girl for almost 8 years. Then she broke up with me a year back when she left for her Phd in the US(I'm in India). She came back to visit 3 months back and about a week before she left, we hooked up and she told me that she really loved me and wanted to get back with me. I was starting to get over her just before she came back but seeing her and hanging out with her reignited all my feelings and I knew I was still in love so I agreed and we got back. Anyway before I get into the current scenario, let me go back into our history a bit. Let me apologise beforehand for the long story that's going to follow

 

She and I met randomly in high school when we were 16 and became really good friends instantly even though we rarely met(different schools) and most of our conversations were on the phone. After finishing high school, she told me that she had always liked me and we started dating. Initially, the relationship was great, but in about 2-3 years I started having second thoughts because she was really clingy and emotional and while I really cared about her, I was dealing with my own life which had taken an uncertain turn after I dropped out of college to pursue music. I also felt like I wanted to try out other women and ended up breaking up with her. However, when I even tried talking to any of these "other" women, I realised that I really cared about her and wanted her back in my life. About 6-7 months later, we got back. I was a bit of a recluse and a huge stoner back then and even though she wanted me to meet her friends and family, I refused and we would mostly hang out alone or at my house. This was pretty much what our relationship was like for the next 3 years. After that, there was an incident in her family with her father which professionally screwed him over. This really messed with her head but she suddenly became highly assertive and strong(and angry) from being clingy and emotional. While I really respected this change in her(which i had been trying to instigate for a while now), i somehow turned the other way and became a bit emotional and clingy myself. Since about 1 and a half years before she broke up with me, I had completely flipped my mindset and I had started doing all the things I hadn't done before like meeting her parents and friends etc. Also, during this time I was struggling with my career as well and was really broke which took a bit of a toll on our relationship. She used to get really angry a lot(because of the situation at her home) and I would have to bear the brunt of it. But I took it because I knew that I really cared about her and tried to be understanding since I knew she was going through a tough time.

 

There were certain incidents which also increased her anger towards our relationship and things that were happening in it. For example, we were supposed to go for her friend's wedding which was in a beachside town and we were both really looking forward to it. But, right before I was going to book my tickets, I had a car accident and the money I had saved for the trip had to spent on getting my car repaired. She went alone and even got hit on by some white dude at the wedding(about which she told me later). But in general, she was really upset about how our relationship was going nowhere and how it can't go on like this. Post that incident I felt the first sign that things were really going downhill for us. I started becoming jealous and clingy and acting really insecure after that which I'm sure must've been annoying for her to deal with. Anyway, to put it briefly, all this turmoil ended up in her eventually breaking up with me a couple of months before she left for the US. She gave me a lot of reasons for it like: how I would be visiting if I had no money? and how she needed to do this, and how she wanted to be alone for a while etc etc. But she said that she really wanted to stay in touch because she did love me and that I was a very important part of her life etc. I ended up agreeing because i felt that she's going to go away and do something very difficult(living so far away from home and on her own) so i might as well be nice. We would meet often and I was always there for her. We even hooked up once before she left. But the relationship was pretty much over and I was devastated.

 

While she was there, we would stay in touch but it was really sporadic. She kept telling me to call her and be in touch and even would say things like "I had a rough couple of days, I really miss your face" and "I love you". It did throw me off quite a bit but I suppose in a ****ed up way it kept some glimmer of hope alive in me. I really did love her and wanted to be with her more than anything else. Although in hindsight(worst superpower ever ) I kinda feel that following the no contact rule would've been a wise idea. There were times when she would ignore the hell out of me while she was there and even got angry at me for no reason many times which i just attributed to her adjusting to a new life there. Anyway, when she came back to visit, she started calling me almost everyday and we would talk the way we used to talk when we were dating(including her calling me right after she woke up). I was a bit surprised by this behaviour but I didn't mind because I did enjoy talking to her and we had always been very close since we were best friends before we started dating. I didn't think too much into this and I was happy talking to her and I never thought that we would get back together. Then this one time, we were talking about something and I just mentioned our break-up in relation to how much time people can take to get over a relationship(we were talking about a couple of other friends) and she said something like "do you still feel the same about me" and I replied saying "Kinda but I respect your decision and eventually I know i'll get over it" she said, "I'm starting to think that i should re-think the decision I made about us". That was the first time that I felt that she wanted to get back with me. And I was right. One thing led to another and we hooked up and then about 3 days before she left, she told me that she loved me and wanted to get back with me. She even told me things like she wanted to get engaged to me soon etc etc. But since we had only 3 days before she left and she was busy with her sister visiting for those 3 days, we never got to talk much about it. Eventually she went back and things were back to how it was before. One time we were talking and I casually pursued the topic about whether she was with someone else during the year. She tried to avoid it completely but I managed to get it out that she had slept with this childhood friend of hers when he was visiting her city and stayed with her for 2 weeks. I was devastated. I didn't know what hit me. To be honest, because of the way she was talking to me even when we were broken up, I actually didn't think that she could be so affectionate towards me and still have slept with some one else. The worst part is when she tells me now that I should meet her friend(who she slept with) and that he's really nice etc etc. And then I see her promote his movie(which she really liked) constantly on Facebook referring to him as her "beautiful friend". The thing is, both of us were each other's firsts and I hadn't been with anyone after she broke up with me because I was still reeling from it. I asked her how she could be so inconsistent with her thoughts and behaviour? I just couldn't get my mind around it! She told me that she was really confused at the time and was going through a lot of turmoil in her life with her course-work etc. And that we were not even in touch(so not true, because I actually called her once and talked to her on whatsapp a few times when the guy was actually visiting her. She told me then that she'll call back but never did) She also told me that we were not dating each other so it shouldn't bother me so much. Anyway, I just felt really manipulated. Although part of me understands that I should've just deleted her from my real and social media life after the break-up instead of being "nice" and being there for her. That was such a stupid decision! Ah well.

 

Coming back to the point, one of the main things bothering me about the current scenario is: how could she be fluctuating in her thoughts so much over such short periods of time. I mean, 12 months back she told me how we couldn't be together because she couldn't do long distance and how she can't wait for so long just to get a hug and a kiss from me; or how I would come there when I had no money; or how she needed to be alone etc etc. Then she continues to be affectionate towards me right before and after she slept with someone for 2 weeks(Actually a week after he left, it was my birthday and she wrote a huge status on Facebook about how I'm her favourite person in the world and how much she loves me etc etc). 4-5 months after that she wants to get back with me, get married etc etc.

I mean, I want to be with her, I really do, but am I just setting myself up for another heartbreak in the near future? We're both 27 and I would really like to start looking for a meaningful relationship rather than be in a similar situation 4-5 years from now. Also, we're in a long-distance relationship, which itself is a very difficult thing to go through and while I'm ready to do this because I do value our relationship a lot, how do i know that she won't change her mind soon and leave me in the dust. We have discussed plans of how one of us will have to make a move eventually so that we can be together in 4-5 years but I'm not sure, given her current "self-enhancing" view of life, that if push comes to shove, she'll sacrifice anything for me.

Another thing bothering me a lot is that she actually left me at a time when I was going through some tough times in my professional life. Being a musician, something like this can happen again. Also, I'm doing my undergrad in psychology while also being a professional musician. Thankfully, doing music, I've managed to pick myself up financially(actually doing pretty well for myself in that regard. Looks like the whole "money" thing that she told me while breaking up clearly had an intense subconscious impact on me!). However, I want to study further and when I do my masters, I'll be in a similar financially-broke situation. How do I know that when that happens, she won't leave me? While she has stuck with me through some tough times in the past, that was the old her. She has changed a lot since then and I can't predict what's going to happen.

 

At present, we are together and while I don't doubt her commitment at this moment, these thoughts keep coming into my head every now and then and it really ****s with my mental well-being. I would love to hear the opinions of people who've been in a similar scenario and also those who feel that they might have some advice for me. Thanks for reading through such a long post!

[reconstruct]

No one?

[AdamantyumKrystal]

Hello mate! What an delightful day to help folks on loveshack :3

I've read your entire post and i can tell that you love this girl but you're not entirely sure if she feels the same about you.

Perhaps u have grown up since you had that GIGS period and wanted to try other women. Maybe she still remembers that happening and she is not entirely sure sure about you ,too.

Is it possible that she tried to revenge/punish you when she broke up with you? How well do u know this woman?? Is she vindictive? Does she hold resentment for a long time? Or maybe she was not even that hurt when you tried pursuing other women since she wanted to do the same and you had no clue about it? I'm not saying it happened like this but it's just a possible scenario.

 

I quote "some white dude at the wedding(about which she told me later)" , why did she told you later? If my girl would get hit on by some dude and she wouldn't tell me the same day then i would get suspicious, like alot, haven't u asked her why it took her so long to tell u about it?? and i see you have used the term "white dude", i assume u are black? (just curious)

 

I noticed that -" She gave me a lot of reasons for it like: how I would be visiting if I had no money? and how she needed to do this, and how she wanted to be alone for a while etc etc. But she said that she really wanted to stay in touch because she did love me and that I was a very important part of her life etc. I ended up agreeing because i felt that she's going to go away and do something very difficult(living so far away from home and on her own) so i might as well be nice. We would meet often and I was always there for her." - you started to become a doormat for her? None of those are valid reasons to end a loving relationship, no matter what would happen i would still try to fight and to wait for my loved one,no matter how far they would go, that is called loyalty

 

"To be honest, because of the way she was talking to me even when we were broken up, I actually didn't think that she could be so affectionate towards me and still have slept with some one else. The worst part is when she tells me now that I should meet her friend(who she slept with) and that he's really nice etc etc. And then I see her promote his movie(which she really liked) constantly on Facebook referring to him as her "beautiful friend".- Again manipulative behaviour detected, and why the heck doesn't she feel remorse at all for what she has done? I mean she is brushing it in your face and you are doing nothing about it??

 

I see red flags everywhere across this post and i feel sorry for you bro. Again at some moment you said she came back and started calling you alot and asking what's up!. Well since she came back and is kinda lonely (in other words the other guy she is away from) you are already her security blanket, being there for her whenever she needs it. You fel manipulated???? bro, YOU WERE manipulated

 

Also, you said you are studying psychology right now, well after doing this, is it still hard for you to see how she is playing with you? Well i cannot blame you man.. Love makes us blind,honestly i did more mistakes than you with my ex and was the ultimate fool so i cannot judge you for loving her.But what i can do, is to try and open your eyes to not make the same mistakes.

 

Try to put yourself in her shoes right now, Would you treat her the same if u would be in her place?? Sleeping with another girl, calling her when u want to, telling her u love her but she should meet your current FWBuddy , awww such a nice scenario , ha?? Wouldn't she feel hurt by your choices??? You think she doesn't know she is able to hurt you and you are accepting it?? She won't do all of these things unless you LET HER to, she will go as far as you allow her.

 

Perhaps she grown up a little where she went and smashed her head against the wall a few times and now is better , or maybe not. but are you ready to go thru all the **** again, if she changes her mind again???

 

I hope i helped you a little and did not upset you with my opinion, so until a more experienced poster comes by to give better advice, i hope you will think about what i've said

 

Sorry for novice english:p

[drseuss]

While in haven't read all of this I've read enough to see your predicament, ypu two have a lot of history and it it obviously hard to just forget about all that

 

But this is my opinion, you two are in a huge cycle of breaking up , missing each other , getting back together , having doubts and breaking up , repeat

 

I often think relationships that have this cycle are based on habit and familiarity, I don't doubt you love each other but you could you could end up like my ex and she's been doing it for 12 years and is no further foward ..