Have I got a chance with my (ex) gf of six years who broke up over text?

[NiGHtS21]

Hi, so long story short my gf of six years broke up with me just under a month ago...via text. Yeah.

 

Now before you all jump on my back about her not being worth it, that I shouldn't even bother etc, I'll give you some backstory.

 

In July we were perfect, our six year "anniversary" went by without a hitch, she told me she was thinking seriously about marriage plans (we are 22, we've broken up once before for a while during University, which was fun, but we realised we truly do love each other after a few months), told me she was so happy to have found the perfect partner etc etc.

 

Around the same time however...we both had serious health issues enter our lives. She went blind in one eye due to her Masters Course at University, she's never been good with stress and she has some psychological issues where she is unable to talk about her problems to people (barring me, and even then that's a stretch at times), and she likes to keep things in because in her own words, if she can't see a solution to a problem then what's the point of talking to people. Also...when she is alone, she pretends her life is happier and that the people she likes in her life are still there even if they aren't, and she plays out situations where they are there. Yeah she's a bit kooky, but I love her for it.

 

But we've always worked because we've never really had serious problems as a couple, in fact it's been a pretty amazing six years.

 

On the other hand I started to have problems with depression and anxiety due to some issues from my past resurfacing, and I began to have therapy and was put on anti depressants around this time. I decided not to tell her this because well, she was stressed enough already without my stress, and I decided I'd be there to support her instead. Her masters was ending in a few weeks, so I would tell her at the end of August no biggy.

 

My antidepressants were giving me some nasty side effects, like being on edge and making me feel very irritated and very anxious, and on her birthday in August we had a bit of an argument where I did something that really hurt her emotionally, and a week later she told me that after I did that she "felt nothing for me" and wanted time and space to get those feelings back. I accepted her request and we went on no contact for a month. I realise that this was her bottling her feelings up and once it all came out it came out in spades.

 

I decided to use the month to work on my problems, and thankfully during this time her eyesight came back, which is great. When NC ended I finally told her about my problems and the medication etc. etc. and she was naturally quite frustrated that I hadn't told her before as if I had things may have different and we may not have fallen out. But at the same time she told me we're both very complex people and she can't handle the stress and pressures of a relationship at the moment (we've been long distant for a year and I was admittedly pressuring her to see me more once she came back home), or support me, as she is afraid of going blind again and my problems stress her out. This hurt of course as she never went blind because of me in the first place. She said she knew this was selfish and practical but she wants to sort her psychological issues out alone, and all she could do is

offer me friendship. I said to her we can rebuild things organically, and it was sad that we became victims of circumstance, she said she just wants to be alone and not involved with people.

 

This was when she broke up over text, it was all over very quickly, I didn't put up much of a fight, because honestly I knew there wasn't much point at the time, she even told me not to try and change her mind because "she knows what she's doing". For the record she did it over text because she wasn't sure of when she would be in the same city as me for the next few days/weeks, but still a phone call or something would have been fine. I found this very cowardly, as she is the sort of person who would find it VERY difficult to say any of this to my face.

 

All i said to her a few days later was it would be great if we could meet up and talk about us, to which she told me she'll "think about it". After a few days we talked again and I told her that this was all a very sudden change, that she was head over heels for me only recently and I feel as if six years mean nothing to her. Her response was it's "not about the last six years it's about the situation now, and we both have issues we need to deal with."

 

That was when she said to me "To be honest you just need to move on, I've moved on and I'm very happy we have our own lives."

This was the point where things jumped the shark and I was beginning to get really confused, if she had moved on already she must have begun to do so months ago, but I know this wasn't the case due to the very, very raw things she had told me only a few weeks ago. (Heck she was ready to marry me and talked about kids etc.) We had a bit of an argument, where she said things like "This is all just a pointless discussion." "I don't want to argue with you." (continues to argue) etc.... I just decided to go back into NC again.

 

After a week or so she began to like posts on my facebook, which I found bizzare, as this was not helping me move on at all. These hot and cold signals were beginning to really, really annoy me and I contemplated showing her some tough love by deleting her, but remained patient. Fast forward to now, and I sent an Across the bow text to her which got a decent response, and asked her if she had thought about meeting up or not. She said she was able to in the next week or so, which is great, after a short conversation it was back to NC.

 

I'd like to point out that in all of this, not once has she discussed any of these problems with me, and to me it feels as though she has rushed to the conclusion of a break up because of the fear of her eyesight, and these external problems. She's clearly still upset about me hurting her emotionally, and hasn't been able to forgive me.

 

I know there's a lot of psychological issues at play here, and I know she's showing me mixed signals, but I'd like to put up a fight for her. Maybe many of you will think I'm in denial, but this push or pull behavior of hers coupled with what I know of her psychology makes me feel there is a chance and right now she's listening solely to her head and not her heart. A brilliant six year relationship over via 20 minutes of text? Blasphemy. We haven't actually talked face to face once, and she tends to melt like butter in person, even in an argument, but is a real tough nut behind the screen.

 

For the record I've sorted out my issues just very recently (no more therapy!) and have been going to the gym, going out, having fun etc. and she's well aware, and possibly surprised, that I haven't blown up and chased her desperately, and am getting on with things. I have this forum and the internet to thank for that, but of course she's on my mind a lot of the time.

 

I'm just making sure when we meet I don't come across as the problem riddled and needy man I was a few months back, but instead the confident go-getter she fell in love with in the first place, thoughts?

Edited October 26, 2015 by NiGHtS21

[d0nnivain]

Yours started out as a teen romance. You got together when you were 16. Most young loves don't survive the transition to college, or from college to adulthood. You two had many extra challenges along the way.

 

 

You already said she has a habit of acting like everything is good even when it's not. She down plays her problems. I suspect that she has been pretending your relationship was stronger than it was for some time. This latest break proved to her that she could be OK without you so that is what she is doing, ending a relationship that hasn't been working for her.

 

 

The fact that she did it over text after 6 years shows a lack of character IMO. After all that time she couldn't even talk to you like a mature adult. You deserved better than somebody who treats you so cavalierly.

[NiGHtS21]

Yours started out as a teen romance. You got together when you were 16. Most young loves don't survive the transition to college, or from college to adulthood. You two had many extra challenges along the way.

 

 

You already said she has a habit of acting like everything is good even when it's not. She down plays her problems. I suspect that she has been pretending your relationship was stronger than it was for some time. This latest break proved to her that she could be OK without you so that is what she is doing, ending a relationship that hasn't been working for her.

 

 

The fact that she did it over text after 6 years shows a lack of character IMO. After all that time she couldn't even talk to you like a mature adult. You deserved better than somebody who treats you so cavalierly.

 

Phenomenal answer.

 

Yes, many people have told me about how strange it is we lasted so long through everything.

 

But that's a really interesting take on the downplaying problems part of things, you could be right that maybe she was thinking that our relationship was stronger than it was, although the last time we met in early August we had an incredible time together, and I can generally tell when she's being..."off". But again, realistically I do need to take that into serious consideration, do I want this sort of person to be who I spend my future with? People can change though, there is that.

 

Also yeah, I'm not impressed by how she's handled the situation at all, my friends have told me time and again she's acting like a 16 year old, and honestly she is.

 

You're completely right I do deserve someone better, and I know my worth hence I haven't begged for her back. But as I said I'd like to put up one last fight for her because there must be a reason we lasted so long and overcame so many growing challenges together, and heck, I truly do love her. She has mentioned that we "clearly aren't working together", but I doubt she is going to "work" with anyone else if she herself cannot begin to discuss problems and find solutions. I'm hoping that when we meet I can get her to open up and talk about the problem, for the first time in her life probably, and see if that makes a difference to her; actually talking.

 

I understand that my posts carry an optimistic approach, but at this point in time I feel I have to look on the brighter side of things, rather than have my head in the sand, so I can use that hope as determination to getting her back. I guess I've already grieved losing her enough as it is, when she asked for time and space it was pretty obvious what that meant, but I let her have it anyway.

 

Thanks

Edited October 26, 2015 by NiGHtS21

[kendahke]

But as I said I'd like to put up one last fight for her because there must be a reason we lasted so long and overcame so many growing challenges together, and heck, I truly do love her.

 

Fight for her? Ugh! That is so pointless. You can't win someone who doesn't want the fight to even ensue.

 

She's already told you she feels you two are better off in your own lives. You can love her til times get better, but relationships require both parties to do the heavy lifting, not just one whose heart is so into it they can't see daylight and the other who is indifferent to what is required to stay together.

 

She has mentioned that we "clearly aren't working together", but I doubt she is going to "work" with anyone else if she herself cannot begin to discuss problems and find solutions. I'm hoping that when we meet I can get her to open up and talk about the problem, for the first time in her life probably, and see if that makes a difference to her; actually talking.

 

IF it hasn't worked in the past when she was somewhat receptive to being with you, why do you think this will work now when she's told you to go you own way?

 

I understand that my posts carry an optimistic approach, but at this point in time I feel I have to look on the brighter side of things, rather than have my head in the sand, so I can use that hope as determination to getting her back. I guess I've already grieved losing her enough as it is, when she asked for time and space it was pretty obvious what that meant, but I let her have it anyway.

 

Your head is in the sand. It's optimistic sand, but sand nevertheless.

[NiGHtS21]

Fight for her? Ugh! That is so pointless. You can't win someone who doesn't want the fight to even ensue.

 

 

She's already told you she feels you two are better off in your own lives. You can love her til times get better, but relationships require both parties to do the heavy lifting, not just one whose heart is so into it they can't see daylight and the other who is indifferent to what is required to stay together.

 

 

That's a very good point, and I understand that. At the same time when we broke up 4 years ago the roles were reversed and it was her who did the heavy lifting and ended up opening my eyes. Ironically at that time it was me who actually had her hanging on to me for some time before we reconciled. I suppose in the scenario right now, my logic is this; this break up...it just sort of, happened. I knew there was no point of fighting over text, but in person if I can reach out to the emotional side of her, as opposed to the practical, maybe I can open her eyes to the way forward, IF she is then willing to do so...forcing her will only make her feel pressured. Love isn't a switch at the end of the day and as I say, she only recently told me some very, very raw and heart warming things before the breakup. (which makes the situation all the more painful for me unfortunately!)

 

IF it hasn't worked in the past when she was somewhat receptive to being with you, why do you think this will work now when she's told you to go you own way?

 

Because a face to face discussion makes a big difference to talking over text message, where she can have full control of the situation? When someone goes from one extreme to the other, something doesn't make sense clearly, and by the time we meet up she'll have had the time and space to herself, I've sorted my issues out and who knows, she may be willing to give things another go, or if not at least I get the satisfaction of; well, I tried my best.

 

 

 

 

Your head is in the sand. It's optimistic sand, but sand nevertheless.

 

Haha, this gave me a good chuckle. I guess you are right though, but let's face it; if I begin to force myself to ignore hope then this is probably going to reflect when I meet her. I think maybe a balance is required, a balance of moving on but using the shred of hope as motivation in getting her back.

 

There will of course come a point where I'll stop validating her ego and show her some tough love (delete off facebook, return her things, make it clear we can't be friends etc.) if she continues this push or pull behavior, or cancels our meet up. Some of her actions are all too familiar to my own from our first break up, when the excitement of University made me want to explore life on my own for some time, but I still kept her hanging on to me. (Which I'm not proud of) But that's the problem with posting your love life on the internet, people can only comment on as much information you give them.

Edited October 26, 2015 by NiGHtS21

[shyguy3543]

I'm sorry for your situation, man. I've been there! My first relationship was with a girl that I dated for 7.5 years, starting at age 15.

 

Looking back on it, I realized that it was a good thing that we split. We were very different people than we were when we had started dating. We weren't really the most compatible anymore, even though we were perfect for each other for just about the entire relationship. The age you're at now is an age where people change dramatically and expand their horizons. If we hadn't broken up, I would've been a very different person than I am today.

 

I know that it isn't what you want to hear right now, and it probably doesn't feel as if it's possible, but this could be an incredibly great thing for you. Right now, just give yourself time to focus on yourself.

[kendahke]

that's the problem with posting your love life on the internet, people can only comment on as much information you give them.

 

Human nature doesn't change just because of the communication medium one uses. What you've written has been written by countless others on this and thousands of other romance message boards and it comes down to basic human nature: when one is done with an ex, unless they're not emotionally whole or are messy to begin with, they won't go back and stay. They'll stay long enough to verify that they were right to leave it and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

If her psychological issues are as you described, then she's simply not in the right place to be in a relationship. As someone else mentioned, she probably started emotionally detaching a while ago. Those raw and heartwarming things she said before? Apparently she didn't actually feel them deeply enough to stay in the relationship. You said she sometimes makes up scenarios in her head involving people who aren't there (what does this mean, exactly?) so it's possible she was doing the same imagining when she talked about marriage and children with you. She sounds a bit off, to be honest. And she went blind in one eye because of her studies? No. If she really lost her vision in one eye, then it somehow was restored, then hopefully she sought medical attention for that because it indicates a health issue.

[HansonGirl]

yes, I think you need to just give it time. Good luck!

Edited November 1, 2015 by HansonGirl
accidentally typed a post, thinking i was starting new thread!