N2053 Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Hi, I was posting for a while in the other man / other woman sub-forum because I was having an affair with my co-worker. I eventually introduced the affair to my wife and confessed, told her that I wanted to integrate the other woman into our lives. Wife ended up becoming good friends with affair and we eventually embarked on a three-way committed relationship which we've been doing for the past couple of months or so. Anyone else here involved in a multiple-person relationship? There are parts that are great but drawbacks too. . . would love to hear from people engaged in a male/female/female closed relationship. In the meantime I'll answer any questions as well. Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I've been in a few multi-person relationships, all including my current partner/wife. The first was years ago. We each had a secondary love interest for a couple of years, so it was a polyamorous relationship. Our outlook is primarily poly in nature. Our secondaries were friendly when we all got together, which was nice. That was closed for a long time, but eventually the secondaries wanted something different. We've since each had some occasional, casual lovers as we have an open relationship. I've also had a long-term FWB situation, and she and my wife are friends. We often socialize together, and they sometimes go shopping together. It's not a closed relationship - but someday could become one if we all choose that path. The only difference versus your situation is that we entered all these situations openly and consensually. However, if you can all accept it and it works, that's what actually matters in the here and now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Polygamy (multiple wives) is very different from polyamory (more than one romantic interest/partner at a time). I'm bisexual/polyamorous/open, one BF and 3 GFs and any female sexual partners I want. Go team poly! It's interesting (and pretty singular I'm guessing) that your wife responded that way to your AP. Can you elaborate on how exactly that went down? Most women don't get sexually or romantically aroused by the prospect of their spouse's AP. (Unlike some men who are subject to the 'cuckold urge' of sexual arousal at the thought or reality of their wives being unfaithful.) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Hi, I was posting for a while in the other man / other woman sub-forum because I was having an affair with my co-worker. I eventually introduced the affair to my wife and confessed, told her that I wanted to integrate the other woman into our lives. Wife ended up becoming good friends with affair and we eventually embarked on a three-way committed relationship which we've been doing for the past couple of months or so. Anyone else here involved in a multiple-person relationship? There are parts that are great but drawbacks too. . . would love to hear from people engaged in a male/female/female closed relationship. In the meantime I'll answer any questions as well. i remember your thread & i must say - i'm a little surprised at your outcome being this satisfying in only couple of months since you originally posted. people usually need a lot more time, especially when trying to befriend the AP. i did have multiple partners experience and it was fantastic, but not in this kind of situation where i feel like one party compromised by accepting the other. in my situation, the emotions and friendship between the three of us was genuine so the downfalls very VERY rare. i'm not really sure how much can you rely on the authenticity on your wife & AP's relationship which could be problematic in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueDress Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I introduced the idea to my husband when he left to pursue his mistress. He shot it down. It is worth introducing as an idea again. What ground rules do you have? Do you all live together? Are there children? Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Polygamy (multiple wives) is very different from polyamory (more than one romantic interest/partner at a time). I'm bisexual/polyamorous/open, one BF and 3 GFs and any female sexual partners I want. Go team poly! It's interesting (and pretty singular I'm guessing) that your wife responded that way to your AP. Can you elaborate on how exactly that went down? Most women don't get sexually or romantically aroused by the prospect of their spouse's AP. Well, we are a closed relationship, and I am the main romantic partner for each of them. . . but the wife and AP are also intimate and see each other now and then in private. AP and I were emotionally involved for some time but not physically. I knew that if AP and wife met they would hit it off. After I introduced them, AP asked if I thought wife would accept her. Knowing my wife, I had a feeling she would be open to at least trying this arrangement and we approached her with it. Actually, my wife does get aroused at the thought that I have sex with AP - and AP is also turned on by the thought of me being with my wife. . so that helps. In any event, the relationship (as a three-person union) is very new and the jury is still out as to whether it will be sustainable. Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 i remember your thread & i must say - i'm a little surprised at your outcome being this satisfying in only couple of months since you originally posted. people usually need a lot more time, especially when trying to befriend the AP. i did have multiple partners experience and it was fantastic, but not in this kind of situation where i feel like one party compromised by accepting the other. Well, its not exactly a well-oiled machine. The first two months were particularly rocky and the wife at some point called the whole thing to a halt. But then she changed her mind and invited AP back in to the relationship which I think changed her mindset as being one who "compromised by accepting the other" because she was in the driver's seat at that point. Ever since she dismantled it and put it back together, things have been much smoother but I don't think either of us are 100% sure this can work in the long-term. Our commitment is to try it for about a year and see how we feel. If the benefits outweigh the drawbacks then we'd continue, if not, then we'd have to shut it down. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 I introduced the idea to my husband when he left to pursue his mistress. He shot it down. It is worth introducing as an idea again. What ground rules do you have? Do you all live together? Are there children? I'm not sure if it's worth introducing as an idea again because I don't know what his reasons were for not trying it out. If his mistress isn't on board with the concept of sharing then it's not going to go anywhere. Plus, I don't think this works unless the women involved are super compatible with each other. Wife and I live with our two young children. AP lives in an apt nearby with her two small children that she shares custody with. We don't let our kids know, and there's no public displays of affection etc. There are no ground rules. We have a schedule that we follow in terms of who I spend my nights with. And when we can we'll spend our evenings all together (the three of us), but that only occurs when we have sitters for the kids etc. Link to post Share on other sites
BlueDress Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Does everybody get equal or your wife more? Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Well, we are a closed relationship, and I am the main romantic partner for each of them. . . but the wife and AP are also intimate and see each other now and then in private. AP and I were emotionally involved for some time but not physically. I knew that if AP and wife met they would hit it off. After I introduced them, AP asked if I thought wife would accept her. Knowing my wife, I had a feeling she would be open to at least trying this arrangement and we approached her with it. Actually, my wife does get aroused at the thought that I have sex with AP - and AP is also turned on by the thought of me being with my wife. . so that helps. In any event, the relationship (as a three-person union) is very new and the jury is still out as to whether it will be sustainable. Hmmm. Well IME this works best not when two ppl 'share' a third, but when the principals have independent relationships with each other. (Like me forex, we're not a five-some group. I have unique relationships w/each of them, and they might have other Rs as well. We all know each other tho, very well now, and everyone's had sex.) The concept of sharing has to deal with the possibility of envy and jealousy. I'm not saying you should really change anything bc it is what it is, but I'd be a bit more concerned about it all working out bc of that. Does your wife 'love' your AP and vice versa? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Does everybody get equal or your wife more? We try to keep it as equal as possible but Wife gets more time because I live with her. I'd say that I probably spend 3 nights a week with the AP; but on each of those days I also spend time with W before I see AP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 Does your wife 'love' your AP and vice versa? Yes, though I am still the main partner for both. However, if we continue I can only see their love for each other becoming stronger, more evolved. . at some point its possible that it may approach an equal status to what I have with them. Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Yes, though I am still the main partner for both. However, if we continue I can only see their love for each other becoming stronger, more evolved. . at some point its possible that it may approach an equal status to what I have with them. Hopefully it does. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Got it Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I introduced the idea to my husband when he left to pursue his mistress. He shot it down. It is worth introducing as an idea again. What ground rules do you have? Do you all live together? Are there children? BlueDress, for goodness sakes don't actually entertain this idea. You are divorced. He is married to her. He barely talks to you. He is not interested in this arrangment then and he isn't now. You aren't either. This is not healthy for you. Please don't do anything but move on with your life. Please. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 Wife and I live with our two young children. AP lives in an apt nearby with her two small children that she shares custody with. We don't let our kids know, and there's no public displays of affection etc. There are no ground rules. We have a schedule that we follow in terms of who I spend my nights with. And when we can we'll spend our evenings all together (the three of us), but that only occurs when we have sitters for the kids etc. Yes, though I am still the main partner for both. However, if we continue I can only see their love for each other becoming stronger, more evolved. . at some point its possible that it may approach an equal status to what I have with them. It still sounds somewhat tenuous to me for your AP. Still largely a hidden secret at the whim of veto, as opposed to an open paramour. Is she content with this arrangement in the long term? And I too am surprised that your W has seemingly accepted this so quickly. Was she prior to this a staunch monogamist? What specifically did you do/say to get her to embark on this arrangement? What's your vision for the relationship into the future? Assuming you make it beyond the one year mark. Link to post Share on other sites
Author N2053 Posted October 26, 2015 Author Share Posted October 26, 2015 It still sounds somewhat tenuous to me for your AP. Still largely a hidden secret at the whim of veto, as opposed to an open paramour. Is she content with this arrangement in the long term? And I too am surprised that your W has seemingly accepted this so quickly. Was she prior to this a staunch monogamist? What specifically did you do/say to get her to embark on this arrangement? What's your vision for the relationship into the future? Assuming you make it beyond the one year mark. I told her that I loved AP and asked her if we could find a space for her in our relationship. There was a lot of shock and tears and fighting but here we are. We had never contemplated a poly type relationship but I obviously had an inkling that she was capable of doing this and I was, for the most part, right. I say "for the most part" because it's still very new, we're giving it a shot, but there's no guarantee it will work. It helps in a big way that W and AP are very compatible and have embarked on their relationship. But yes, AP is in a more tenuous situation. . . but AP knew it was a gamble going into the relationship, she knew I was married, she knew I would only agree to a poly-type relationship (as opposed to leaving W). My hope is that if, god forbid, it doesn't work out - all three will have a mutual feeling that this "isn't working" but I'm prepared that it could get messy. We picked a year as our marker because of how much things can change over that period of time. Anything shorter seemed like a decision would be made pre-maturely. If we get past the year mark, my vision is that AP moves into a place in our neighborhood so we can all be together more frequently. I don't see - at this point - any realistic options for co-habitation. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 If the benefits outweigh the drawbacks then we'd continue, if not, then we'd have to shut it down. does that mean ending it with AP or ending it with the wife? There are no ground rules. i think communication is the key & you need some "ground" rules. you three should sit down and discuss what works for each one of you, what are you comfortable with and what are your limits & goals for the future. do your AP & wife have a romantic/sexual relationship or is it a platonic type of intimate friendship? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
central Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 In terms of fairness and not using the AP/new love, consider the points in this article: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueDress Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 BlueDress, for goodness sakes don't actually entertain this idea. You are divorced. He is married to her. He barely talks to you. He is not interested in this arrangment then and he isn't now. You aren't either. This is not healthy for you. Please don't do anything but move on with your life. Please. I can take care of what's going on with me just fine. You don't know what's happening here right now. Link to post Share on other sites
SolG Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 In terms of fairness and not using the AP/new love, consider the points in this article: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyforsecondaries.html I'd also recommend Franklin Veaux's books; More than Two and The Game Changer. I recently read the latter and found it really helpful. (I've had the former for ages.) It's really consolidated my view that while I'm good with poly, I personally could never be a confined secondary. I already am experiencing that as an OW--I'm a secret secondary--and it sucks! It also makes me a bit regretful of how I've treated some secondaries in the past now I understand what it feels like. To me it's not about cohabitation or sharing material resources; it's about being free to love the way you love best. And that for me is loving openly and whole heartedly and being free to share the important things in your lives. I'm certainly not saying that my poly preference is what everyone should subscribe to. It's been quite a journey to arrive here. It's ironic that it took a MM to convince me that monogamy is worth considering; and that my A is the only R I've ever been totally monogamous in! Now I'm back where I started. But with the benefit of experience and empathy and growth; now I know how I want to practice poly and know I'll be a far better partner for it. Anyway... just an introspective ramble sorry OP. But I'm curious to know what poly really means and looks like to you. Are you intentvon maintaining a hierarchy? What if in doing so you must acknowledge that your AP may not be able to meet her R needs within the limitations of your arrangement? Would you be willing to allow her to pursue those needs with other loves? If not, why not? You've aready established that you can love more than one person at a time... so this really should not threaten you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 N2053: i have 2 questions if I may ask: 1- how long do you think/intend this relationship will last? 2- would you consider a male partner in a similar setup if your wife introduce a man she wants to have sex with? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Yes, though I am still the main partner for both. However, if we continue I can only see their love for each other becoming stronger, more evolved. . at some point its possible that it may approach an equal status to what I have with them. There was a true case similar to like this, where the 2 women fell in love and wanted the husband out so they could be together. The OW lived with them though. The wife wanted divorce and to be just with the OW. They both stopped sleeping with the husband and were so into each other. In his rage of jealousy the husband killed the OW and it was witnessed by his son. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
BlueDress Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 So it's not really a relationship with the mistress. You aren't involved in her life or the kids. You are with your wife though. It's just a sexual thing where your wife is the partner and the mistress is an outlet for sex? Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 So it's not really a relationship with the mistress. You aren't involved in her life or the kids. You are with your wife though. It's just a sexual thing where your wife is the partner and the mistress is an outlet for sex? from his posts, it is very clear that the OW is much more than just an outlet for sex. if she was JUST that, he would have kept the entire affair quiet. clearly, this kind of relationship is a work in progress & you have to stop pushing your ideals & definitions of what a "real" relationship looks like in order to somehow minimize the importance of the affair partner & the affair relationship. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
OldRover Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Polygamy is one wife too many..... Monogamy is still one wife too many..... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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