Affair turned into Polygamy / polyamorous relationship

[N2053]

OP - i think it's important that you all know the rules. i assume you all talked about it but maybe you should sit down and talk about your wishes, expectations and such. and keep talkin about it every once in a while... just checking to see if you're all still on the same page. you have very firm opinions so i think that's a good start - everyone knows what to expect from you in every possible scenario.

 

I'm not really sure what you mean by rules. . . maybe you could give me some examples..? We've mostly been trying to get the right balance in terms of a schedule of time that I spend with AP as opposed to W so that noone is feeling out in the cold, as well as making space for W and AP to have time with each other (by themselves). I'm not sure if making a schedule counts as a rule.

[qubist]

I'm not really sure what you mean by rules. . . maybe you could give me some examples..? We've mostly been trying to get the right balance in terms of a schedule of time that I spend with AP as opposed to W so that noone is feeling out in the cold, as well as making space for W and AP to have time with each other (by themselves). I'm not sure if making a schedule counts as a rule.

 

Man!!!how do you manage to do that ? I bet it's hard to be able to split your time equally between the 2. Do you have a preference in term of the quality of time? Not talking just about sex. Do you enjoy one of them more than the other? If so do they know it ?

So basically you are married to both women just not legally. Am I right?

[N2053]

It’s not easy and there’s a lot of emotional pit falls. We are only just now getting to a smoother place, the first couple of months were really rocky, a lot of ups and downs and there’s probably more to come. . . hence me reaching out here. . .

 

No, there’s no preference.

[qubist]

It’s not easy and there’s a lot of emotional pit falls. We are only just now getting to a smoother place, the first couple of months were really rocky, a lot of ups and downs and there’s probably more to come. . . hence me reaching out here. . .

 

No, there’s no preference.

I personnaly do not see anything wrong with what you guys doing. as long as your W is OK with it and not doing it out of fear to loose you or any other fear, nobody has the right to tell you what's right. it is odd but it is better than cheating, when you were doing it behind her back you were deceiving her, the other woman and yourself. I actually applaud your courage. BUT

I have read about monogamy in some culture where it's allowed including here in America within the Mormons, one of the thing that is mentioned a lot is that the husbands have hard time being fair, in most cases they do have a preferred wife which always bring jealousy to the equation. I think in your case the fact that this is 100% a choice of yours not forced by culture or religion helped all of you sort behave well.

one last advice if I may: even if you develop a preference keep it to yourself it might come back and bite you

[SolG]

I'm not sure there's any answer I could give you that would satisfy you. It looks to me from this and other responses like there's a preoccupation with the idea that if one person is willing to share, than all persons involved must also be willing to share due to the notion of "fairness"

 

The why question isn't about fairness, it's about exploring motivation. Which I think is really important in Rs of all types. I'm not trying to impose a model upon you, but trying to understand why you have chosen the one you have.

 

Rules or expectations are never arbitrary, there is always a payoff. So what's yours from demanding this limitation? What is it you are seeking to both gain and avoid? Is it to preserve your emotional safety, is it possessiveness, is it ego..? I think clarity on the whys of things is always important for all involved.

 

+ to central and N2053 above. I get this question a lot, and like N said, while I can appreciate the principles of consistency and fairness, relationships just don't always work like that.

 

I have contradictory personal standards - I'm a female bisexual, but I wouldn't tolerate male bisexuality from my BF. I'm open on my end of my relationships, and while I allow and encourage that w/my GFs, I don't want my BF to do that. The point is just that no, it's not 'fair,' but I never maintained that it was or that fairness was some sort of guiding principal in my relationship life to begin with. The one thing everyone's free to do at all times is opt-out if they don't like the arrangements (or to not jump in to begin with). That's obvs their trump card that I can't control (and don't want to). But aside from that, my game, my rules, and I don't have any issues or guilt living that way.

 

Jen, I get that. I'm assuming that you find bisexuality in men unattractive? (I'm the opposite btw; a highly masculine bisexual switch is my dream!) Can I ask you also why you don't want your BF to be open?

 

I absolutely understand that all Rs will have their own life. My own experience tells me that what works for one may be vastly different to what works for another; because people are different. But I'll always try to understand the difference and its genesis. It's part of how I love... Through understanding

[jen1447]

Jen, I get that. I'm assuming that you find bisexuality in men unattractive? (I'm the opposite btw; a highly masculine bisexual switch is my dream!) Can I ask you also why you don't want your BF to be open?

 

I absolutely understand that all Rs will have their own life. My own experience tells me that what works for one may be vastly different to what works for another; because people are different. But I'll always try to understand the difference and its genesis. It's part of how I love... Through understanding

 

Yeah - while it may sound odd coming from a bisexual, I find male/male sex personally offputting. I'm not intolerant and I fully support gay rights, it's just not sth I care for in my personal life. If my BF was into guys, that would make him unattractive to me.

 

On the openness question, it's mainly a matter of privilege I suppose.* (Also there tend to be greater risks and higher rates of transmission of STDs with males, so it would be a bit more risky for him to be out there running around like I do. All my open action is girl-girl.) He doesn't want to run around anyway.

 

* (In an ancillary sense, it also plays into our personal dominance kink - I'm completely at liberty to do what I want, he's beholden to me.)

 

And I understand your motivation. Thanks.

[N2053]

So what's yours from demanding this limitation? What is it you are seeking to both gain and avoid? Is it to preserve your emotional safety, is it possessiveness, is it ego..? I think clarity on the whys of things is always important for all involved.

 

Yes, "possessiveness" is probably the best way to sum it up. I'm just way too possessive for that.

[Mycatsnuggles]

curious -

 

do you contribute financially to both housholds? You say its a relationship so you perform half the home care duties in both home and contribute 50% of support for home and maintance.

[SolG]

Yes, "possessiveness" is probably the best way to sum it up. I'm just way too possessive for that.

 

Thank you for indulging me OP. What do you think is at the root of your possessiveness? Is it because you think it would reflect poorly on you if you weren't their only? Or do you think they might not love you as much as you need them to if they were to have other loves? Or is something else entirely?

 

I guess the reason I am asking is if I were your secondary, I would want to know the root reasons for rules such as this. Particularly if I were being asked to make sacrifices such as not being an open and acknowledged part of your life and being asked to live with the veto sword of Demacles always over my head.

 

It would make a difference to me if the one asking these sacrifices of me were loving enough to say it's because I feel scared, or vulnerable, or I love you too much and it would hurt me... Or whatever the real deep personal reason is. And the same for the veto too. What exactly is that protecting, and why? And what does it really mean for the future path of the R?

 

I just think this is a discussion worth having for all concerned.

[sandylee1]

Thank you for indulging me OP. What do you think is at the root of your possessiveness? Is it because you think it would reflect poorly on you if you weren't their only? Or do you think they might not love you as much as you need them to if they were to have other loves? Or is something else entirely?

 

I guess the reason I am asking is if I were your secondary, I would want to know the root reasons for rules such as this. Particularly if I were being asked to make sacrifices such as not being an open and acknowledged part of your life and being asked to live with the veto sword of Demacles always over my head.

 

It would make a difference to me if the one asking these sacrifices of me were loving enough to say it's because I feel scared, or vulnerable, or I love you too much and it would hurt me... Or whatever the real deep personal reason is. And the same for the veto too. What exactly is that protecting, and why? And what does it really mean for the future path of the R?

 

I just think this is a discussion worth having for all concerned.

 

I find your questions and the thought behind them quite interesting.......but my view of anyone wanting an open relationship on one side would simply be selfishness........it's all about them and their needs. They're not really thinking about what the other people want.

 

Now the fact that this relationship has turned into a 3 way thing is by the by. The original intention was for the OP to have the pleasure of having a wife and a GF.

 

It's the desperation of some women to put up with this that amazes me. I can only assume the OP has some truly out of this world qualities and abilities the wife to accept this. This acceptance is more common in my country of origin, where men are highly rated and where they are usually the providers...so if a wife didn't accept this....she would have to leave the house.....without the children............but in the western world...apart from religious groups who live in sects....it's very very rare.

[N2053]

Thank you for indulging me OP. What do you think is at the root of your possessiveness? Is it because you think it would reflect poorly on you if you weren't their only? Or do you think they might not love you as much as you need them to if they were to have other loves? Or is something else entirely?

 

I guess the reason I am asking is if I were your secondary, I would want to know the root reasons for rules such as this. Particularly if I were being asked to make sacrifices such as not being an open and acknowledged part of your life and being asked to live with the veto sword of Demacles always over my head.

 

It would make a difference to me if the one asking these sacrifices of me were loving enough to say it's because I feel scared, or vulnerable, or I love you too much and it would hurt me... Or whatever the real deep personal reason is. And the same for the veto too. What exactly is that protecting, and why? And what does it really mean for the future path of the R?

 

I just think this is a discussion worth having for all concerned.

 

Again, your questions are based on assumptions which I don’t think apply in all situations. If you were the AP perhaps you’d want the ability to keep playing the field and meet other men so as to hedge your bets in the event that sword of Damocles falls. An understandable position. Or - you may be someone who is inclined to date multiple men at a time regardless. Who knows. She, however, is not. She’s not inclined that way, she prefers to be with one man and that man is me. At this time she doesn’t feel inclined to hedge her bets. She may feel differently in the future. I, however, will not.

 

As to why I am possessive. . . why is anyone possessive? Why do some people not want to share their partner with someone else? We could try to delve into the root of a person’s possessiveness and never get to the bottom, who knows how many factors come into play that makes a person not want to share their partner? societal values, psychological factors, nurture vs. nature, etc etc. Frankly, this question could be posed to any person who doesn’t want to share that is involved in a monogamous-type relationship.

 

But you’re asking me. And I believe the reason why you think it’s worth discussing in MY case is because I am not inclined to share, yet I am being shared. The contradiction bothers you. Otherwise, why not ask this question regarding possessiveness to every person who doesn’t want to share? Again, at the root of your question are notions of fairness and equity etc. and I'm not sure its a discussion that can really go anywhere meaningful when you're talking about people's preferences as to whether they want to share someone or not.

Edited October 30, 2015 by N2053

[SusiePie]

 

 

Anyone else here involved in a multiple-person relationship? There are parts that are great but drawbacks too. . . would love to hear from people engaged in a male/female/female closed relationship.

 

In the meantime I'll answer any questions as well.

 

I was in my one and only poly until yesterday. Wish I had a guidebook for it.

 

You started yours OP with an A first. I assume a hidden one that included lying to your wife. Obviously it all worked out but I am amazed your wife got over it so easily.

 

I bring that up because my relationship started with the husband, but he and his wife have had an open marriage since the beginning. They each have their date nights, etc. They are commited to each other fully however (I didnt say sexually exclusive).

 

I am much older than my "bf" and his wife; as time goes on it is more a four way relationship me, them, and her bf. I do not have relations with the wife (I have no sexual desire for females) but we will please him together at times but it usually the two of us or four of us.

 

I dont know what I think really. At first I liked that three ppl had my back instead of just one. And the honesty and directness was unique and awesome. I never felt unstable with those questions of "Where is this going? Does he like me? Is there a future, etc". I was free to simply care about others. Sex was a secondary consideration.

 

I find your questions and the thought behind them quite interesting.......but my

view of anyone wanting an open relationship on one side would simply be

selfishness........it's all about them and their needs. They're not really

thinking about what the other people want.

 

I'm feeling more like this now. I'm not allowed to have needs. I'm not allowed to be #1 ever, in anything. The primary relationship is all they really are emotionally involved with. Me and the other guy are just random sex partners and fun to chat with. They probably do care about us on some level but we are replaceable. I've been warned from the beginning not to "want more" or "expect more." I dont even know what I am allowed to want or need really, I'm too afraid to speak up.

 

If we all lived together it could be different I suppose, but now I'm leaning towards it is all about them. The upside though for me is that I've never felt jealousy towards the wife or any guy my guy is with (he is bisexual). That is a big deal for me really. If I dont get what I need, even if it is too much, I tend to get too demanding and whatnot. But with this I felt secure with things as presented and that sex with me or others doesnt effect anything.

 

Oh well, now that it is over, I'm annoyed that he breezes back into his already happy established life while I get to ruminate and be sad.

[Multiamorous]

Hi Poly.

 

My boyfriend and I have been in a committed relationship for three years. We live together and are still as in love as we were in the beginning. We get along perfectly and I do not get attracted to other men. Our relationship in all aspects is perfect(amazing sex, great conversations and compatibility as well as comfort with each other).

 

Recently we both revealed our fantasy to each other which was surprising and refreshing. We both concluded that even though we are ore than happy with each other and do not feel like we "need more" to be fulfilled (i supposed it is because we are both happy with ourselves as individuals) we would like to add to our relationship.

 

I am definitely Bi and find girls very sexually attractive and before my boyfriend had a few lesbian relationships (I am a very committed person and have never "slept around").

 

This all said- my boyfriend of 3 years and I will love to add a gorgeous, fun loving girl to our relationship. Where we can have amazing threesomes in love and not just lust, where she and my boyfriend can satisfy each other while I'm sick or not in the mood (rarely happens). Where the she and I can go on spa dates and she and him on movie dates (I don't like cinemas and he doesn't like spas).

 

The idea of loving her just as much as we both love each other does not make either of us insecure. We know it won't be all romance but I believe that with a third person loving all parties equally and being loved back equally- can help with sorting out problems objectively (not that we have much problems ever).

 

I guess my biggest concern is where and how to meet her. Obviously she has to be compatible with both of us and be able to love both of us- but since my boyfriend and I never go out to clubs etc. we are not sure how to go about meeting the woman of our dreams.

[lucy_in_disguise]

I dont see any issues with this setup if all parties feel it enhances their lives, but let me ask you a question- what do you tell your kids when you leave the house for the night 3 days a week?

 

It seems like something that would be difficult to hide and also difficult to explain to young children. Theres only so much time to go around and surely they are picking up on your absense, which must be troubling for them.

 

I dont have kids but personally i have a hard time envisioning having a full-time job and having enough quality time left over to care for not one, but two households with children. Most parents struggle with managing just one. If I were your wife I would be kind of pissed to be left at home to care for your kids while you go off to bang the OM. What is she getting out of this deal besides (possibly) some sexual excitement and a new "friend"? Relationships dont need to be "fair" but people usually expect the benefits to outweigh the costs when making decisions - and this setup just doesnt seem like a good deal for your wife, IMO.

 

I also quesion why shes not more angry. Even people who are open to kinky stuff usually object being lied to. It would be one thing if you approached her about this before the affair began, but you made a unilateral decision to bring another party into your marriage by cheating on her. I think that the majority of women (and men) would really struggle to process this, whether or not they may have been open to the idea of polyamory in theorym. Imo, her response seems more in line with someone who is desparate to keep her man at any cost - vs. truly desiring this setup.

 

Just a few more aspects to keep in mind - I hope you are considering your kids' and wife's best interests, not just consent.

Edited December 28, 2015 by lucy_in_disguise

[jen1447]

I guess my biggest concern is where and how to meet her. Obviously she has to be compatible with both of us and be able to love both of us- but since my boyfriend and I never go out to clubs etc. we are not sure how to go about meeting the woman of our dreams.

 

When you think of candidates as regular ppl (which they are) rather than members of a secret cult or sth, it makes it easier. That means you could meet her the same place you meet anyone else and you don't have to look in a 'dungeon' underground community or anything.

 

Srsly, I usually meet my ppl in very mundane circumstances. Just turn on your radar and see what happens.

[Mr. Lucky]

Obviously she has to be compatible with both of us and be able to love both of us- but since my boyfriend and I never go out to clubs etc. we are not sure how to go about meeting the woman of our dreams.

 

One question is this - do you feel the upside of this arrangement is enough to offset the obvious downside?

 

This forum wouldn't exist unless there were many challenges in the dynamics of relationships between two people. Adding a third person increases the potential for jealousy, resentment, communication issues, etc. It could easily fall into the category of 'be careful what you wish for...".

 

Not my thing but if variety is that important to both of you, why not the occasional threesome rather than bringing another person into the heart of your relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

[N2053]

I dont see any issues with this setup if all parties feel it enhances their lives, but let me ask you a question- what do you tell your kids when you leave the house for the night 3 days a week?

 

It seems like something that would be difficult to hide and also difficult to explain to young children. Theres only so much time to go around and surely they are picking up on your absense, which must be troubling for them.

 

I dont have kids but personally i have a hard time envisioning having a full-time job and having enough quality time left over to care for not one, but two households with children. Most parents struggle with managing just one. If I were your wife I would be kind of pissed to be left at home to care for your kids while you go off to bang the OM. What is she getting out of this deal besides (possibly) some sexual excitement and a new "friend"? Relationships dont need to be "fair" but people usually expect the benefits to outweigh the costs when making decisions - and this setup just doesnt seem like a good deal for your wife, IMO.

 

I also quesion why shes not more angry. Even people who are open to kinky stuff usually object being lied to. It would be one thing if you approached her about this before the affair began, but you made a unilateral decision to bring another party into your marriage by cheating on her. I think that the majority of women (and men) would really struggle to process this, whether or not they may have been open to the idea of polyamory in theorym. Imo, her response seems more in line with someone who is desparate to keep her man at any cost - vs. truly desiring this setup.

 

Just a few more aspects to keep in mind - I hope you are considering your kids' and wife's best interests, not just consent.

 

My kids are fairly young so they have a bed time schedule. I am home until they go to bed, then I leave for the night. I return in the early a.m. before they wake up. This isn't always the case, but it is for the vast majority of the time.

 

Re her reaction - it hasn't been smooth sailing. This came about in August and only just now are things settling down into a comfortable space/routine, it's been a lot of ups and downs etc. and in November I was fairly resigned to the fact that this wasn't going to work. However, at the end of Nov. she had some sort of epiphany and it's been working very well for the past month.

 

I took a huge gamble in fessing up to the whole thing and putting it in motion, but at the same time, I knew that she was the kind of person who could engage in this sort of lifestyle. I don't know how I knew, I just did. So in that sense, despite the ups and downs, it's been way more smooth than if this was happening with someone who couldn't understand the lifestyle whatsoever or was fundamentally repulsed by it. This isn't the case for her.

 

Yes, as far as sexual excitement goes it's been very fulfilling all around. She is very aroused by the fact that I enjoy another woman - they both are, actually. They both love having threesomes and they also enjoy being with each other sexually on their own.

 

And yes, they have and are developing a very deep friendship despite the history of it all. We just spent a lovely Christmas holiday all together.

 

Also, I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but there are two different therapists involved in this - AP goes to a therapist and W and I have attended sessions with AP . . and W also has her own therapist and me and AP have attended sessions with her there as well.

 

As far as what she is "getting out of it". . . I think it's too early to definitively say. In a lot of ways our relationship has improved immensely so there's that. She told me the other day that she's felt more connected to me these past 4 months than in the past so many years, and I'd have to say that the feeling is mutual. So there's that. Is that enough? Who knows. I think I'll be better able to flesh this out more when we've put some time under our belt. . . but yes, inherent in this lifestyle is a willingness on the part of the two women to share and with that naturally comes some sacrifice. There's no way to sugar coat that.

Edited December 28, 2015 by N2053

[lucy_in_disguise]

Well - it sounds like you are trying to be upfront with everyone, at least. Your arrangement is not something I could ever see desiring for myself- for practical reasons more so than emotional - i simply dont have the time for 2 full-blown r's - but good luck to u.

[Multiamorous]

When you think of candidates as regular ppl (which they are) rather than members of a secret cult or sth, it makes it easier. That means you could meet her the same place you meet anyone else and you don't have to look in a 'dungeon' underground community or anything.

 

Srsly, I usually meet my ppl in very mundane circumstances. Just turn on your radar and see what happens.

Hi Jen.

 

Lol thank you for your advice. I guess I am afraid of possibly not seeing signals of when someone will be able to be open to do something like this.

 

We will definitely keep our radar on to find her- thank you for your help!

[Multiamorous]

One question is this - do you feel the upside of this arrangement is enough to offset the obvious downside?

 

This forum wouldn't exist unless there were many challenges in the dynamics of relationships between two people. Adding a third person increases the potential for jealousy, resentment, communication issues, etc. It could easily fall into the category of 'be careful what you wish for...".

 

Not my thing but if variety is that important to both of you, why not the occasional threesome rather than bringing another person into the heart of your relationship?

 

Mr. Lucky

Hi Mr. Lucky.

 

We have spoken about it quite a lot now and we believe that obviously problems are a natural part of any relationship. After much consideration we believe that having the girl of our dreams be with us in the same way my boyfriend and I are together now might keep problems the same as the conventional relationship or sometimes even less (we could be very wrong) but if she thinks like us on this matter I believe it would be great.

 

I see it as this: if I love them both equally and as much as I love him now, I would be happy to see them making love, playing games and cuddling. They could be there for each other when I have a busy time at work and vice versa- I just think in love and respect the support (emotional, physical and sexual) will be immense and beautiful.

 

There is a selfish reason too (but if all parties involved are happy, is it really selfish): I am bisexual (she would be too) so the ladies will get to love both their choices in sexual gender preference. My boyfriend has no bisexual tendencies and have a lot of infinite love to give both (when we find her) his women together with support and understanding.

 

The reason why the threesome would not work for us is because we are both committed people and do not care for casual sex. We do not want to exchange intimacy with someone we do not love and trust.

 

I am aware that I might seem overly optimistic but we are planning to go into this very objectively. If we find her and we later realise that the two of us are lesbian then we discovered something about ourselves- m boyfriend will be okay with this as he will love us both enough to want us to be happy. If the two of them realise that they are more compatible and they cannot have me in the equation anymore then I discovered that we were not meant to be and be happy to see that the two people I love are happy. If it does not work out and my boyfriend and I end up as a couple again then we gained experience, learned and grew.

[Multiamorous]

My kids are fairly young so they have a bed time schedule. I am home until they go to bed, then I leave for the night. I return in the early a.m. before they wake up. This isn't always the case, but it is for the vast majority of the time.

 

Re her reaction - it hasn't been smooth sailing. This came about in August and only just now are things settling down into a comfortable space/routine, it's been a lot of ups and downs etc. and in November I was fairly resigned to the fact that this wasn't going to work. However, at the end of Nov. she had some sort of epiphany and it's been working very well for the past month.

 

I took a huge gamble in fessing up to the whole thing and putting it in motion, but at the same time, I knew that she was the kind of person who could engage in this sort of lifestyle. I don't know how I knew, I just did. So in that sense, despite the ups and downs, it's been way more smooth than if this was happening with someone who couldn't understand the lifestyle whatsoever or was fundamentally repulsed by it. This isn't the case for her.

 

Yes, as far as sexual excitement goes it's been very fulfilling all around. She is very aroused by the fact that I enjoy another woman - they both are, actually. They both love having threesomes and they also enjoy being with each other sexually on their own.

 

And yes, they have and are developing a very deep friendship despite the history of it all. We just spent a lovely Christmas holiday all together.

 

Also, I can't remember if I've mentioned this before, but there are two different therapists involved in this - AP goes to a therapist and W and I have attended sessions with AP . . and W also has her own therapist and me and AP have attended sessions with her there as well.

 

As far as what she is "getting out of it". . . I think it's too early to definitively say. In a lot of ways our relationship has improved immensely so there's that. She told me the other day that she's felt more connected to me these past 4 months than in the past so many years, and I'd have to say that the feeling is mutual. So there's that. Is that enough? Who knows. I think I'll be better able to flesh this out more when we've put some time under our belt. . . but yes, inherent in this lifestyle is a willingness on the part of the two women to share and with that naturally comes some sacrifice. There's no way to sugar coat that.

Hi N2053.

 

I think you are a very lucky man to have two woman who love and support you and each other. I wish you had been open with your wife from the start (I believe from what you are telling me that their needn't have been an affair), however it happened and I do not judge you at all.

 

I think going back to your original question: My boyfriend and I are looking to start a triad polyamorous relationship. We have thought about it a lot and we believe honestly and respect is key. Most people do not understand how it is possible to live in such circumstances. The questions I found most was " are both of them okay to receive 50% of your love?"- this is bull****. Love is not finite. You don't love and then stop loving because you are waiting for your lovetank to fill up (this is emotional- physically you'll need a rest ).

 

This is a weird comparison because it is an entirely different love (although I believe all love works fundamentally in a similar way): If you have one child you love them so much you cannot imagine yourself loving anyone more or the same. If you have a second child you don't suddenly love your fist born half of what you used to.

 

I think it is beautiful that three people living in a triad can become a unit in love and lust and support each other in so many ways despite the judgement from society.

 

Make sure to let both your beautiful women know how much you adore each of them, and how much you love that they love each other.

 

Read The Challenges and Joys of a Three-Way Relationship | VICE | United States I got a lot of my ideas about sharing love (even though their situation is a little different) from this guy.

[jen1447]

That's a great point about multiple love targets. Also I can vouch for the 'sharing' the BF thing - my most recent GF and my BF have a relationship of sorts that kinda sprang from necessity and in a way I gifted it to both of them by allowing it to happen. I love it bc it's nice to know that both of them can have some companionship that I know is reliable when I'm not around.

 

Hi Jen.

 

Lol thank you for your advice. I guess I am afraid of possibly not seeing signals of when someone will be able to be open to do something like this.

 

We will definitely keep our radar on to find her- thank you for your help!

 

I can give you a tip - as the woman in the relationship, you'll most likely be the one to detect this new girl. Both bc guys tend to look at all women as possibilities but women don't so we can 'see' those who are interested more clearly, and just your innate intuition as a woman, specifically geared toward judging intent in another woman. You know how we can tell what a woman's up to generally? That. You'll see it in her eyes, but your BF probably won't notice.