Pandora's Box... To Snoop or Not?

[eye of the storm]

It is possible to be happy and in love with someone, but know they have a closet full of skeletons and a penchant for lying.

 

It is possible to be in love with someone who lies. But you will never be happy.

[deadelvis]

You are both lying and deceiving each other.

 

Why not call it like it is?

 

You have, however, reached a point of complacency that you either accept or don't.

 

Right... I'm complacent, and she's complaisant. You've got us all figured out. I'd bet my next paycheck every one of these posters who keep painting me as a villain are middle aged woman. Tell me I'm wrong.

[SammySammy]

Right... I'm complacent, and she's complaisant. You've got us all figured out. I'd bet my next paycheck every one of these posters who keep painting me as a villain are middle aged woman. Tell me I'm wrong.

 

You're wrong.

 

I said you were mentally ill and abusive months ago.

[eye of the storm]

I'd bet my next paycheck every one of these posters who keep painting me as a villain are middle aged woman. Tell me I'm wrong.

 

Not quiet sure what middle aged would be. But you do love trying to stuff women into boxes. Prostitute, middle aged... I'm starting to see another pattern from you.

[RecentChange]

Are you really HAPPY in this relationship? Like you both bring each other immense joy, you feel like you are walking on a cloud, found your best friend and you can't believe the universe sent you someone that you click with so well?

 

Do you both flurish in each others presents? Feel more joy, energy, health and happiness?

 

Because from what you have posted (time and again), you have described this woman in ways that I would not bestow on a hated ex! (Actually I don't hate any of my ex's).

 

I can't imagine describing a loved one the way you have described her.... It would hurt ME to belittle them that way, and see them in that sort of light.

 

Your posts do not convey love for this woman, but rather entanglement in one of the unhealthiest relationships I have read about.

[lil hoodlum]

She lies to me. I don't believe her. Who is the one perpetrating a deception in that scenario? Certainly not the person being lied to.

 

This is not healthy and happy.

 

 

Your relationship with this girl is so disfunctanal in so many ways it would be hard to make a list of everything. Please understand I am not saying you are disfunctanal, you sound like you are very smart, intuitive, and more or less articulate.

 

The dynamics of your relationship is so unhealthy. Why can't you see this? (Can you not see the forrest for the trees?) I think you are blinded by love for here and just don't want to admit defeat. I can understand that, you have really put forth a good amount of time and effort into this relationship.

 

I personally think you should open up this pandora's box so maybe hopefully you can have some peace about this womans past. I believe you need to see the truth of whatever it may be. Don't you think you have been tortured enough about this allready?

[deadelvis]

Not quiet sure what middle aged would be. But you do love trying to stuff women into boxes. Prostitute, middle aged... I'm starting to see another pattern from you.

 

Here are some definitions for you.

 

Prostitute - a person, typically a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment

 

Middle-age - the period of life from about 45 to about 64

 

See those are terms that have a definition.

 

Abusive -

1. extremely offensive and insulting.

2. engaging in or characterized by habitual violence and cruelty

 

(so by that definition, the interactions we have on LS are more abusive than any relationship me or her has ever been in)

 

Mental Illness - any of various disorders in which a person's thoughts, emotions, or behavior are so abnormal as to cause suffering to himself, herself, or other people

 

I guess maybe it is mental illness to stay with a woman who habitually lies to me. But her mental illness is supported by a whole file cabinet of documentation, so I guess that's like the pot calling the kettle black.

[lil hoodlum]

It is possible to be in love with someone who lies. But you will never be happy.

 

I once was with a woman for several years who was a compulsive liar. It got to the point I couldn't ever trust anything that came out of her mouth. I knew when it reached that point that this relationship wasn't going to work out, not for a lack of me trying though.

 

If you don't have trust for someone, what do you really have?

 

This same woman cheated on me twice and withheld sex from me. The second time she cheated on me, I was out the door.

 

I couldn't see it at the time how disfunctional the relationship was. I kept hanging on for so long hoping for things to improve. They never did.

[deadelvis]

This is not healthy and happy.

 

 

Your relationship with this girl is so disfunctanal in so many ways it would be hard to make a list of everything. Please understand I am not saying you are disfunctanal, you sound like you are very smart, intuitive, and more or less articulate.

 

The dynamics of your relationship is so unhealthy. Why can't you see this? (Can you not see the forrest for the trees?) I think you are blinded by love for here and just don't want to admit defeat. I can understand that, you have really put forth a good amount of time and effort into this relationship.

 

I personally think you should open up this pandora's box so maybe hopefully you can have some peace about this womans past. I believe you need to see the truth of whatever it may be. Don't you think you have been tortured enough about this allready?

 

I can appreciate that. I probably am blinded by love, otherwise I would have left the moment I realized she was lying. I guess I just wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know most women lie about the number of people they've slept with or the number of ONS and things of that nature, so I tried to just give her that margin of leniency. But when I started seeing all the red flags that she might be a former prostitute it put things into a new perspective.

[deadelvis]

Are you really HAPPY in this relationship? Like you both bring each other immense joy, you feel like you are walking on a cloud, found your best friend and you can't believe the universe sent you someone that you click with so well?

 

Do you both flurish in each others presents? Feel more joy, energy, health and happiness?

 

Because from what you have posted (time and again), you have described this woman in ways that I would not bestow on a hated ex! (Actually I don't hate any of my ex's).

 

I can't imagine describing a loved one the way you have described her.... It would hurt ME to belittle them that way, and see them in that sort of light.

 

Your posts do not convey love for this woman, but rather entanglement in one of the unhealthiest relationships I have read about.

 

We do feel that way when we are together, but I've become so tormented by her secrecy and dishonesty regarding her "past life" that, like many others, it's driven me to this forum, looking for advice. I vent here and say things I can't say to her or to anyone else.

[eye of the storm]

Mental Illness - staying with someone you think so little of.

 

I constantly tell my kids that word choice is a powerful thing. Sometimes you can tell how a person feels about someone just from their word choice. It is almost unconscious.

 

You may say you love this woman, frequently. If you notice thought, it is almost always followed by a "but". Using that word invalidates what went on before it. You also call her names and talk very degrading about her.

 

You may say you love her. But how you talk about her and the words you use say something totally different. This is about control and being "right".

[deadelvis]

Mental Illness - staying with someone you think so little of.

 

I constantly tell my kids that word choice is a powerful thing. Sometimes you can tell how a person feels about someone just from their word choice. It is almost unconscious.

 

You may say you love this woman, frequently. If you notice thought, it is almost always followed by a "but". Using that word invalidates what went on before it. You also call her names and talk very degrading about her.

 

You may say you love her. But how you talk about her and the words you use say something totally different. This is about control and being "right".

 

That's fair. But I also don't see any point in trying to use flowery language to obscure the meaning. I listed those definitions above for a reason. If people pay you for sex, you are a prostitute. There are many other terms for a prostitute, and all of them equally represent the same definition. I don't see much difference in using the word w**** vs "sex worker". It's the same exact thing. Similarly, the word promiscuous has been used in place of the more common sobriquet. But we all know when someone say's "promiscuous girl" what they are really saying... A rose by any other name...

 

And even "sugar baby" is another way of... well, sugar coating, the oldest profession there is.

 

People apply meaning based on their own experiences. Many young gay men call each other fags and black people call each other nigga. I'm a slut. So is my GF. She may have also been a whore. Words only have the power you give them.

Edited October 27, 2015 by deadelvis

[jen1447]

These two things are directly and explicitly contradictory. (And only a sentence apart.)

It is possible to be happy and in love with someone, but know they have a closet full of skeletons and a penchant for lying.

 

We actually have a really healthy and happy relationship.

 

She has no idea that I'm suspicious.

 

Suspicion ≠ happy in the rational world. And unfamiliarity with a partner's feelings ≠ healthy.

[lil hoodlum]

I can appreciate that. I probably am blinded by love, otherwise I would have left the moment I realized she was lying. I guess I just wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt. I know most women lie about the number of people they've slept with or the number of ONS and things of that nature, so I tried to just give her that margin of leniency. But when I started seeing all the red flags that she might be a former prostitute it put things into a new perspective.

 

 

I feel for your situation deadelvis, I really do.

 

It seems pretty apparent that you love and care for this woman or else you wouldn't still be trying to salvage things. She has a strong attraction that pulls you.

 

Seems that you are hung up on certain qualities this woman has and you are struggling to accept them.

 

I hope that you can come to peace and acceptance about who this woman is that you love.

 

I still say that the two of you have a unhealthy dynamic but if you are ok with it, so be it?

[RecentChange]

We do feel that way when we are together, but I've become so tormented by her secrecy and dishonesty regarding her "past life" that, like many others, it's driven me to this forum, looking for advice. I vent here and say things I can't say to her or to anyone else.

 

Secrets are the only problem?

 

What about her getting fat and gross, and you being turned off by her body? The farting thing? What about the bad sex, disconnect on who wants what, and her inability to provide for your needs, due to her mental issues? Her flirting with past dudes she slept with? What about the fact she doesn't sound mentally capable of a true loving relationship at this time.

 

Its all bliss?

 

What BENEFITS does she bring to your life? What benefits do you bring to hers?

 

And I am NOT a middle aged woman (younger than your age span), I have been in a few relationships, all of them pretty damn healthy (thats why I have no problems with my ex's) and have been in a 14 year relationship now, I feel like I have an idea of what makes a relationship work.

 

In 14 years, we have had some ups and downs, but even the BIG issues (like cheating) didn't cause me as much angst has you have shared here.

 

Your relationship sounds like a nightmare to me.

 

And PS. I would have an issue if my partner had a sexual past like you describe... my past was much more colorful than his... and I told him EVERYTHING when he asked...

[MightyPen]

Secrets are the only problem?

 

What about her getting fat and gross, and you being turned off by her body? The farting thing? What about the bad sex, disconnect on who wants what, and her inability to provide for your needs, due to her mental issues? Her flirting with past dudes she slept with? What about the fact she doesn't sound mentally capable of a true loving relationship at this time.

 

Its all bliss?

 

What BENEFITS does she bring to your life? What benefits do you bring to hers?

 

And I am NOT a middle aged woman (younger than your age span), I have been in a few relationships, all of them pretty damn healthy (thats why I have no problems with my ex's) and have been in a 14 year relationship now, I feel like I have an idea of what makes a relationship work.

 

In 14 years, we have had some ups and downs, but even the BIG issues (like cheating) didn't cause me as much angst has you have shared here.

 

Your relationship sounds like a nightmare to me.

 

And PS. I would have an issue if my partner had a sexual past like you describe... my past was much more colorful than his... and I told him EVERYTHING when he asked...

 

I feel like you just gave the late-arrivers the Cliff Notes version of all the prior threads on this topic. Gracias.

 

 

And to the OP, I previously mentioned using an objective pros and cons to try to drag yourself away from the emotional aspects here...if RecentChanges's summary is anywhere near accurate, how do you avoid an objective conclusion of "For the love of God, end this relationship!"?

[deadelvis]

Secrets are the only problem?

 

What about her getting fat and gross, and you being turned off by her body?

 

It turns out she has hypothyroidism, and that's why she's been gaining so much weight. She has gained an average of 5 pounds per month in the 7.5 months we've been together. You can do the math. But I still think she's beautiful and it doesn't change my attraction to her. But now that she's on thyroid medication her weight has stabilized and she's starting to eat healthy and go to the gym with me.

 

The farting thing?

 

The farting thing was actually a joke. I'm surprised people took that so seriously. But we do eat a lot of tempeh... I actually don't mind the farting at all. It's a sign of being close and comfortable with someone.

 

What about the bad sex, disconnect on who wants what, and her inability to provide for your needs, due to her mental issues?

 

This was a big issue, but she's gotten onto different medications which has helped with our sex life, and she's made more of an effort to be keep me satisfied. I've also come to realize that the "wild and crazy sex" she had with her previous flings was actually the result of bipolar mania and alcohol. She's been making a genuine effort in that regard. And I've tried to accept her as the person she is now, rather than expect the wild kinky sex she had when she was off her meds, drinking and going home with strangers.

 

Her flirting with past dudes she slept with? What about the fact she doesn't sound mentally capable of a true loving relationship at this time.

 

She actually stopped this a long time ago. We had a long talk about appropriateness and interacting with past lovers, and I was able to convince her that keeping in contact with her past lovers and texting them all the time was not very respectful. She agreed and stopped doing it. That made a huge difference in our relationship. Occasionally she gets a text from other guys and sometimes she replies, but she has effectively resolved that issue on her own.

 

Its all bliss?

 

What BENEFITS does she bring to your life? What benefits do you bring to hers?

 

It's hard to express it in words, but we really love each other. We've both been in numerous relationships, and something about this is just different. After falling in love with her, the love I felt for other women in the past pales in comparison. It's hard to explain, but when we're together the feeling we have for each other is unreal. It's the kind of love that only exists in movies and harlequin romance novels.

 

And I am NOT a middle aged woman (younger than your age span), I have been in a few relationships, all of them pretty damn healthy (thats why I have no problems with my ex's) and have been in a 14 year relationship now, I feel like I have an idea of what makes a relationship work.

 

In 14 years, we have had some ups and downs, but even the BIG issues (like cheating) didn't cause me as much angst has you have shared here.

 

Your relationship sounds like a nightmare to me.

 

It certainly has it's challenges.

 

And PS. I would have an issue if my partner had a sexual past like you describe... my past was much more colorful than his... and I told him EVERYTHING when he asked...

 

Boom. Exactly. That's what it comes down to. You told him the truth. And like you said, if you were in my position you would have an issue too. At least one person thinks I'm not crazy for wanting to know if my GF used to be a hooker, or feeling disgusted by that possibility.

 

 

Responses in bold

[RecentChange]

You said she ate 2 pints of ice cream in one sitting and blasts nasty gass in bed

 

But yes, I would not be comfortable dating someone who was a sex worker or F'ed triple digits. Not my thing.

[deadelvis]

You said she ate 2 pints of ice cream in one sitting and blasts nasty gass in bed

 

But yes, I would not be comfortable dating someone who was a sex worker or F'ed triple digits. Not my thing.

 

Yep, thats my baby! 2 pints deep and busting ass like a truck driver!

 

I don't even care that she's been with like 50+ people (if that's really the truth) but I just don't want to date a prostitute. I knew some skeezy-ass-hoodrats from the neighborhood, and I know what type of women get involved in prostitution and sex work. It's not at all like "pretty woman" more like "hustle and flow"...

Edited October 27, 2015 by deadelvis

[MidwestUSA]

If you 'open the box', I think it's only fair that you then direct her here, where she can read everything about herself that disgusts you.

 

She may be shocked that ten pounds extra is 'fat', and that passing gas (a completely natural function, btw) is unacceptable. Oh, yea, there's the sex life, or lack of, the ice cream, her drug use..........

[deadelvis]

If you 'open the box', I think it's only fair that you then direct her here, where she can read everything about herself that disgusts you.

 

She may be shocked that ten pounds extra is 'fat', and that passing gas (a completely natural function, btw) is unacceptable. Oh, yea, there's the sex life, or lack of, the ice cream, her drug use..........

 

You misread that. She has gained 40 lbs since we started dating

 

But that's honestly the least of my worries.

Edited October 27, 2015 by deadelvis

[eye of the storm]

Deadelvis, I will tell you what I was told while I was clinging desperately to an unhealthy relationship.

 

Why.

 

I tried to explain the "love", I tried to explain the 18+ years I had invested, I tried to give all the reasons we are constantly told about hanging in there.

 

I was told that I could not answer the question until I stopped looking outward and started looking inward. To the only person I could change.

 

Why did I want to stay with someone who I didn't trust. Why did I want to stay with someone who kept me constantly stressed out. Why did I want to be with someone I could not be at peace with.

 

You, Deadelvis, spend alot of time discussing her. But you refuse to look in a mirror and figure out why you are clinging so hard to a relationship that causes you to constantly be looking for "outside opinions". In a healthy relationship, you would not need outside opinions except for an occasional toilet seat up/down, my family or hers this holiday type of stuff that could easily be resolved with loving communication.

 

You will never find the answers you are looking for from her. You will only find them within yourself. But to do that you will have to be very honest.

[William]

Thread reopened after review with the reminder that nobody is required to reply to a thread. If you find the topic distasteful, there is no reason to voice that opinion. If you are reading a topic that you cannot post respectfully to, then I'm sure your advice would be appreciated elsewhere. ~Thank you

Edited October 27, 2015 by William

[beatcuff]

i have read this entire thread, but not his others:

 

...We talked things through and decided to give it another chance. We actually have a really healthy and happy relationship. She thinks I've swallowed everything she's told me at face value. She has no idea that I'm suspicious. She's happy and oblivious...

 

so some/you THINK she is lying.

 

it is obvious to all you ARE lying.

 

...We talked things through and decided to give it another chance...

 

no you did not. how can you expect the truth when you are busy lying yourself.

[Maddieandtae]

I'm an middle aged woman and I hope she moves the "box" to a place where you can't find it to search through its contents! As an middle aged woman reading your thoughts on your girlfriends past I feel that you have not truly accepted your fears of what she may have done in her past. Usually if a person has a deal dealer and is being lied to that person would leave the situation. Your fear of what the lies means in how others view you is what I feel drives you even though nobody knows about her past.