marriedornot Posted October 26, 2015 Share Posted October 26, 2015 I need help -- my fiancé and I have been living together for about a year now....and I need advice. Lately, we fight all the time. Maybe you could give me some advice on how to get through to her. She initially told me that she wouldn't move in with me, unless we were married. I eventually convinced her to do so -- even before we got engaged. But, it was clear she wanted a ring. She got it. Things seemed fine until she started a new job. (She quit her previous job when she moved across the country to live with me). She initially told me that it was okay if I handled the finances. (In order to get her to move here, I told her I could support her and her bills until she found a job). As soon as she found a job (first month)...she balked at the idea of putting all of her paycheck in my account. I am paying the bills! I promised her that she could just spend normally and I would handle it. Well, she obliged and then when I started seeing her manicures and hair styling - I hit the roof! She is making 90k a year, but I have to pay off all the debt I incurred traveling to see her when we were dating. She has (now) scaled down her spending. But, then there was an issue with healthcare. My company is cheaper than hers...so I told her we could put it on my work plan. (That required a county "informal" marriage document). It's basically common law marriage. We are married in the eyes of the state. We would have to get a divorce if we seperate...so she says that means i should wear a wedding ring and actually be married to her.... http://www.divorcenet.com/states/okl...ge_in_oklahoma And after we filed the documents at the courthouse ...she was angry that I didn't treat it as a "big deal".... she was very weird about the whole thing. Yes, it was my idea...but I made it clear even though the state thinks we are "married" ...I do not believe we are..... and we shouldn't tell people. She agreed to this "quiet" marriage ... to save 200 bucks a month. (We are going to get married anyway!) But, as soon as we did that -- now she is angry because I told her we aren't REALLY married. I don't want our family to know we did this and apparently she doesn't get that! She wanted to list herself as married on FB! When I told her that I felt she was trying to frame me -- she went nuts. She started sobbing and screaming at me -- telling me I ruined her life - because I apparently don't REALLY want to marry her. That's not true - but I don't like how she's demanding this now... Well, this woman doesn't understand ceremonies cost money! She says that her family is not happy that she is "living in sin" and she wants a wedding...or she's leaving. I told her that she has a fancy ring and that's going to have to suffice for awhile. She asked how long....and then had the nerve to ask for separate bank accounts! I make FAR more than she does ...and while she is supplementing my income -- it's weird that she wants to separate now. What is that about? I have gotten her health insurance -- and she is not grateful (obviously). She is constantly looking unhappy around the house. She says nothing is wrong...but I sense that there is. Her family dislikes me now and says they don't approve of our living situation. They won't even come to visit for the holidays because she's not married to me. She says that she expected that we would be married and I want a REAL ceremony... not just some court house thing. What do I do to get through to her? PS -- She used to be ALL over me and now she will hold my hand and have sex only every other day. I feel there's distance from her. She says that she is not distant and that she is fine....But, seriously we used to have sex 2 times a day.....Now, if it's once a day -- I'm lucky. She drinks at least 2 glasses of wine a night and says it's her "desert" but I just don't know what to do. I can't stand the fact that I think she's hiding money from me... Link to post Share on other sites
BLND Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Where to begin. You really brought this on yourself since YOU suggested you get married for that health insurance. Which by the way, means, you ARE married. This is gonna be a whole mess if you want to separate. She has the right to want a separate account, and yes hair and manicures cost a lot. If you liked the way she looked up until today, why would you complain about that all of a sudden. I think her reaction is perfectly normal for a woman, you can't blame her really. You brought this whole thing on her. And if you are going to get married anyway, like you mentioned a couple of times, why is it such a big deal for you to wear a wedding ring? Again,you ARE already married. Those monthly 200$ are so not worth all the hassle you brought upon yourself. 13 Link to post Share on other sites
mortensorchid Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I'm sorry. Really I am. But then again, this is what happens. You are, after all, now in this for the long haul and this is what the adjustment to being together is all about. Either you are going to do this or you aren't. Decide, then live with those consequences. Whatever your decide, don't be afraid. Link to post Share on other sites
bettermistakes Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 So she moved in with you (moving across the country) with the expectation you would be getting married. A year later you're kind of married and don't want to tell anyone? And there's no date for the "real" wedding? Is that right? I'd be mad, too. 11 Link to post Share on other sites
menyou Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Boy oh boy. People get crazy when it comes to marriage. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I don't know where to start either. You guys have so many issue to sort out it's unreal. When were you planning to get on same page about finances? I don't agree with what she or what you are doing. Honestly, you sound a little bit like a miser. I don't like her actions either but she is clearly rebelling. Why "pretend" to be married to save money when it brings real life emotional and financial problems on you that are bigger than the $2400 you will save this year. Jesus. If she makes $90K and you make way more than her, how cheap can you be that you need to fake marriage to save $2400. O.M.G. The blessing in disguise is that you have now discover how NOT on the same page when it comes to THINGS! She shouldn't be trying to blackmail you, post your fake but real status on fakebook nor disregarding compromising with you about finances and discussing things calmly. You aren't doing those last two either. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriedornot Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 Her main complaint is that she wants to split finances...if we aren't publicly married. She is demanding that we are civilly married PUBLICLY by New Year's... we had casually said fall of 2015 and she's angry this has come and gone. The problem is her family won't come because they don't like me now...and our fights have caused a lot of trouble with her friends. I doubt really any of her old friends would come. I want to know what is fair...should I really give in to a formal ceremony by New Year's? We were supposed to do it by this fall...and she's been sending me emails from different locations...I just don't like her pushiness... is that fair? Link to post Share on other sites
Maggie4 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 No woman should have to demand marriage from a guy. If she does, what's the point. Even if he goes through with it, it is already messed up. This is awful. I don't think you really want to marry her. You say you do, then you don't do it. She should separate her finances from you. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
xcupid Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 What makes you think you're right in all of this? Seems to me you're digging a deeper hole every time you do something in this relationship. You're alienating her and her family and that's no way to have a relationship even if it's not a true "marriage." You need to mend fences with her and her family - and fast. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
casey.lives Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 If you love her.. you should have a real wedding!! Marriage is an act of nobility. It's no joke... Don't bestow honor and you reduce her... Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 (edited) You guys do have so many issues ...a lot of tit for tat going on. I think too many issues for this forum ...I recommend you guys go to a counselor ...your relationship is salvageable if you resolve your differences. I will say that, as a woman, if I had moved across the country to be with my guy ...I wouldn't be happy about him dragging his feet when he's already asked me to marry him. Why are you delaying? Why are you so worried about your fiancée's family ...they're really just looking out for her. They're expecting honorable behavior from you and you're not displaying it. If your fiancé is making 90k ...how much of a dent can manicures and hair have on that income?? Edited October 27, 2015 by StBreton 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Redheaded Mistress Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Honestly, I'm with her on this one... You're behaving shady as heck. You want access to her finances to pay off your debt incurred while travelling to see her? You're legally married, but refusing to acknowledge that means anything at all, then wonder why the woman who's been beating into your brain how badly she wants to be married to you is irritated at you? Her twice-a-day intimacy has dwindled to a tragic every day or every other day? I mean really, for real? This is you, dude. The woman's "sketchy dude" radar is going off like mad and you're doing nothing to fix it, just make it worse. You should have made a big deal of what happened at the courthouse. Her wanting to make it a big deal isn't weird, you thinking it's nothing is weird. Oh, and FYI... I mean seriously... You're married. You can "not want to count it" because there was no pomp and circumstance, then go turn around and refuse to get the ceremony, but that doesn't change the fact that you... You, right there... You're married. To her. Legally. In all ways one can be married. Sticking your fingers in your ears and saying "no I'm not, no I'm not" doesn't change the fact... You're hitched. 12 Link to post Share on other sites
bathtub-row Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 You convinced her to do something that went against her principles and now you're paying the price. Granted, she should've never agreed to this arrangement but you need to take responsibility for it also. It is always a bad idea to coerce someone into doing something they're profoundly against. While I disagree with her current behavior, I can tell you what's going on in her mind. She feels tricked and coerced. She believes in her heart of hearts that if you really wanted to marry her, you would've done so by now. And that you would find a way. But this whole issue only moves toward because she makes an issue out of it. This does not make a woman feel loved. Seriously? Between the two of you it seems you make around $200k a year and you can't afford a wedding? If you want the girl back who loved and felt cherished by you, you're going to need to prove to her that you aren't just dragging your feet because you're having doubts. Few things will turn a woman's heart cold like the belief that her man doesn't truly love and value her. 8 Link to post Share on other sites
S2B Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Her main complaint is that she wants to split finances...if we aren't publicly married. She is demanding that we are civilly married PUBLICLY by New Year's... we had casually said fall of 2015 and she's angry this has come and gone. The problem is her family won't come because they don't like me now...and our fights have caused a lot of trouble with her friends. I doubt really any of her old friends would come. I want to know what is fair...should I really give in to a formal ceremony by New Year's? We were supposed to do it by this fall...and she's been sending me emails from different locations...I just don't like her pushiness... is that fair? Life isn't fair. You're already married! She knows that - and if you decide it's over you have to divorce. You.are.married.now! Let her put "married" on fake book - she's so worried about what others think and perceive that she's ruined the union already. Wear a ring for gosh sakes = you're married. Did I say you ARE married? Lol I'd be MORE concerned that she's betrayed you to her family and friends by presenting the real marriage as a lie by not stating freely that you are indeed already married. It's HER who has talked trash about you. I'd be angry at her for that! If you don't like it then divorce her. Try explaining that to her friends and family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriedornot Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 Well the other problem is she told me during dinner the other night that she needed 5k worth of dental work. I told her this was insane and to pick a problem. We can't be planning a wedding and paying down debt when she is wracking up more bills. The fight ended with me telling her we were done. Mainly because she told me she would take a better paying job (with more travel) to support our bills better. Slap in my face! I told her if she did that...she could pay for her own new house then! She ran for the door screaming that she ruined her life moving to be with me. I told her if she walked out the door she could never ever return. Of course she didn't leave, but I was so mad I told her we were DONE! She begged me not to be so mad. She was drunk....after hours of fighting. She says all she wants is peace. But telling me she will support ME? That's a slap in the face. Link to post Share on other sites
travelbug1996 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 you guys need counseling that wil buy you more time since that seems to be what you're doing. You don't really want to marry her and she can feel it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Well the other problem is she told me during dinner the other night that she needed 5k worth of dental work. I told her this was insane and to pick a problem. We can't be planning a wedding and paying down debt when she is wracking up more bills. The fight ended with me telling her we were done. Mainly because she told me she would take a better paying job (with more travel) to support our bills better. Slap in my face! I told her if she did that...she could pay for her own new house then! She ran for the door screaming that she ruined her life moving to be with me. I told her if she walked out the door she could never ever return. Of course she didn't leave, but I was so mad I told her we were DONE! She begged me not to be so mad. She was drunk....after hours of fighting. She says all she wants is peace. But telling me she will support ME? That's a slap in the face. Please get counseling ... I think you have an issue of not being able to "read" situations for what they really are. She isn't saying she's supporting you ...she wants to make more money so she can get hair nails and dental work done without having issues between the two of you ...actually she has a very responsible attitude about that ...most guys would be impressed 8 Link to post Share on other sites
Author marriedornot Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 I just don't feel she believes in me or sees me as this amazing man that she initially met. She has doubt and she is not trusting me with the money. I see that she's unhappy and I don't think she is going to last... She says she loves me with all her heart but I just don't buy it. If she did...she wouldn't question the money situation and she would follow my lead. She just throws things in my face...like unexpected day trips to visit her kid or last minute "tutoring expenses" for her. She says I'm cold if I can't understand the tutoring payment...but I say...that's what child support is for! And she's mad because she doesn't see her daughter on certain weekends. Ok let me ask here. The girl has volleyball. She loves with her dad. In order to come with us..on my finances "weekend" she would have to travel and skip the game. I refuse to pay hotel and stay there just for volleyball weekends. So my fiancé gives up those weekends because I don't think we can afford all this travel. Am I wrong for that??? She thinks that she should be able to visit despite the cost. Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 OP I seriously want you to go through your messages here and highlight each and every time your fiancé has "bent" in your direction -co mingled finances -health insurance -moved to your local before engaged That's just a start!! Now what has she asked of you? Get engaged ...you did but dragged your feet Get married...partially but still dragging your feet. You need to look at the man in the mirror. You're causing the rifts here ... Please get counseling. You're a "my way or the highway guy" 5 Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Wow you are not even married yet and money is already tearing you apart. Don't marry her. You two have very different ideas about money so it isn't going to work. You say how do I get through to her, but I bet she is saying the same thing about you. The number one reason for divorce is money....looks like you got a head start. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
StBreton Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 (edited) I just don't feel she believes in me or sees me as this amazing man that she initially met. She has doubt and she is not trusting me with the money. I see that she's unhappy and I don't think she is going to last... She says she loves me with all her heart but I just don't buy it. If she did...she wouldn't question the money situation and she would follow my lead. She just throws things in my face...like unexpected day trips to visit her kid or last minute "tutoring expenses" for her. She says I'm cold if I can't understand the tutoring payment...but I say...that's what child support is for! And she's mad because she doesn't see her daughter on certain weekends. Ok let me ask here. The girl has volleyball. She loves with her dad. In order to come with us..on my finances "weekend" she would have to travel and skip the game. I refuse to pay hotel and stay there just for volleyball weekends. So my fiancé gives up those weekends because I don't think we can afford all this travel. Am I wrong for that??? She thinks that she should be able to visit despite the cost. Again ...more "my way or the highway" It's difficult when you don't see yourself for who you are. I'm a very logical person ...I personally couldn't deal with your way of thinking ...you have a lot of fuzzy logic How can you bemoan time and money spent on her child/visiting her child? Especially in light of her apparently moving away from her child to be with you? You are aware they come as a package deal? Has she no say in how she spends her money? You're very controlling. Edited October 27, 2015 by StBreton 12 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Her main complaint is that she wants to split finances...if we aren't publicly married. She is demanding that we are civilly married PUBLICLY by New Year's... we had casually said fall of 2015 and she's angry this has come and gone. The problem is her family won't come because they don't like me now...and our fights have caused a lot of trouble with her friends. I doubt really any of her old friends would come. I want to know what is fair...should I really give in to a formal ceremony by New Year's? We were supposed to do it by this fall...and she's been sending me emails from different locations...I just don't like her pushiness... is that fair? Listen NO ONE responds well to ultimatums. I think you are in the right to not marry because you've been given an ultimatum. I think if she really thinks about it she wouldn't want to marry you in an ultimatum situation either. What a romantic story!!! "Oh we got married because I threatened him if he didn't I'd leave him for good. Yeah I didn't know what else to do." That certainly isn't the story either one of you wants to be telling for the rest of your lives. So why are you dragging your feet? Why didn't you keep your promise? You know how insulting that is, right? It probably hurts her to the core of who she is, that you didn't follow through on your promise to marry her. Now it's like she's dragging you to the alter. What joy! You made her feel like such a prize and vice versa. Well she obviously knows exactly where to hurt you. Money. You feel like she owes you because it cost you to date her with long distance. So? And you don't like how she spends her money. I can see why she'd want to keep it separate now. There is no reason to combine if you are not a real couple. She's reached the end of her limit because you are not giving her "real" coupledom. I'm just curious--when were the both of you going to figure this out. I don't happen to think hair and manicures are that princess-y but obviously you do. Did you think they are free? Don't you know who it is that you are marrying? BTW, most girls get these things done! How is she supposed to pay for them if you don't really approve and your finances are combined. You are not her dad or her banker--you are her partner. Do you think she's frivolous with money in general? Why did you propose to someone who is frivolous if it's a HUGE source of discontent for you? Wait, correction, why did you fake-marry, real-marry this person? I don't understand why you really don't want to get married. Just the pushiness? I agree with you there. Are you discovering you still have a lot to discover about one another? There are so many unanswered questions about the state of your union, I can see why you don't want to make it more official until those questions are answered. I have to say though it's VERY odd that the biggest thing you are worried about by your statement is that she doesn't want to combine finances. It's almost like you want access to the money because you think she owes you. I don't think she's being pushy about that. She is just saying if you don't want to really marry me we are not going to live as marrieds live financially. But with both of you so stubborn and you cheap, I can see it being a constant source of conflict the rest of the marriage. Her right to draw that boundary. It's like you want your cake and eat too. You're not really married (well only to save money on paper), which you don't want to do for real for whatever reason, yet you want combined finances like marrieds in advance of what both of you consider real marriage. She's leveraging with that because she knows it's the only thing you care about. Listen lots of people who are newly living together (ie much newer, less serious couples) combine finances. Usually there is a paragraph at least or much more discussion about that between them. How you've gotten to this stage of being of couple without at least being somewhat on the same page is beyond me. Link to post Share on other sites
katiegrl Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 (edited) Again ...more "my way or the highway" It's difficult when you don't see yourself for who you are. I'm a very logical person ...I personally couldn't deal with your way of thinking ...you have a lot of fuzzy logic How can you bemoan time and money spent on her child/visiting her child? Especially in light of her apparently moving away from her child to be with you? You are aware they come as a package deal? Has she no say in how she spends her money? You're very controlling. ^^This ..and controlling is an understatement! You say she won't follow your "lead"? More like she won't follow your "orders." Bless her heart for lasting with you as long as she has! Growing up, my own dad allowed me more freedom with the money HE gave me then you allow her with her OWN money! And don't blame her for giving you such a strong ultimatum. Good for her! You already flaked on the original date...you didn't leave her much choice. But in your warped controlling brain, you're thinking "how dare she stand up to me and not do what I say"! WTF! Edited October 27, 2015 by katiegrl 11 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 You need to learn how to be more romantic and whimsical. Life is too short for such seriousness. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kilgore Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Also to pay attention To what she needs 4 Link to post Share on other sites
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