No Friends

[Sally]

Hello Everyone. I don't think that this fits the topic, but I have a severe problem, and need some advice, so some will be better than none.

 

Ok this is my problem. I am 19 years old and going through a tough time in life. I was kicked out just before my 18th birthday and before I went to university. I decided to move in with my boyfriend and try to go to school. I didn't have a job, or have any money for school, but did receive a loan.

 

I went to school and dropped out because I didn't like it. I feel the main reason that I didn't like it was because I had no friends. i couldn't get along with anyone, and it was as though I envied all of them. This is my problem. Friends. It all started in grade 8 when i discovered that my friends from grade 5 had been using me. Ever since then at lunches I would sit alone, and do my own thing. I never talked to anyone in class, and I never wanted a boyfriend. When my boyfriend asked me out I told him that he would hate me and not to bother. He did anyway, and we're fine. When I went to university I thought for sure I would meet a whole bunch of people and make friends. instead the same thign happened. i stayed alone at lunch, and never went anywhere.

 

All of my boyfriens friends think I am a loser because all I have is him. I am now afraid he will leave me because of this.

 

Does anyone know what my problem is? I don't know why I just can't make friends, and why I never want to go out and do anything. It's ruining my life, including my relationship. PLEASE HELP!!

[Rogue]

The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. A good person who honestly tries to make everyone feel better about themselves will always have friends, whether he/she wants them or not.

 

People need to feel welcome. They need to feel appreciated.They need to be understood. Aren't these the same things you want out of life? Then give a little bit of this to everyone you meet. Make the effort to care about them, and you'll be surprised how often they return you the favor.

 

You don't have to be the social butterfly. You don't have to be Miss Charming. You just have to be patient, kind, and really try to see the good in people. That's all it takes! So go out there and make some friends!

[a friend until the end]

You make it sound so easy. I have done everything you said, I have only a few(true)friends. Yes, I want to have friends just like everyone else. I get tired of making an extra effort when I get little in return. It is just not worth it to me anymore. I will go out of my way a little bit. If the person does not recipricate, I don't bother anymore. You could have that magnetic personality and charm that make you appealling to people. Some people are blessed with that. Some of us are not. Sometimes it's like you have to give up pieces of yourself to be friends with people. It is not always worth it. A lot of people are selfish, they want what they can get from you and the hell with you. I have known people like all my life.

The best way to have a friend is to be a friend. A good person who honestly tries to make everyone feel better about themselves will always have friends, whether he/she wants them or not.

 

People need to feel welcome. They need to feel appreciated.They need to be understood. Aren't these the same things you want out of life? Then give a little bit of this to everyone you meet. Make the effort to care about them, and you'll be surprised how often they return you the favor.

 

You don't have to be the social butterfly. You don't have to be Miss Charming. You just have to be patient, kind, and really try to see the good in people. That's all it takes! So go out there and make some friends!

[clia]

First of all, you need to figure out why you are doing this to yourself. It sounds like you were hurt in the past and because of that you are having issues trusting people. You need to get over that. I know it's easier said than done, but life is very empty without friendships.

 

You say you couldn't get along with anyone? Why not? (Sounds like you've found at least one person you can get along with, your boyfriend.) Are you a difficult person to get along with, or is it because you are jealous of the other girls? (As you mentioned.) Sounds like you need to get some self confidence. Building it up takes time, but if you feel good about yourself you'll have no reason to be envious of anyone else. There are lots of 'little' things you can do to boost your self confidence. Get a new haircut, get your make-up done, buy a new outfit, start working out, work toward some goal, etc. The better you feel about yourself, the better the image that you portray to other people. Look at why you feel so insecure. (Your posting makes it sounds like you don't think you're worthy of friendships. You are!) Maybe consider talking to a therapist.

 

People build friendships based on common interests. Right now, your only interest is your boyfriend. You need to get out there and find out about yourself and what YOU like to do. By doing things, you'll meet other people and begin to develop friendships. Consider taking an aerobics class, getting involved in volunteer work, take lessons in some sport/activity that interests you, etc. You don't have to become lifelong friends right away with people. Building friendships takes time. Start off with high level comments about whatever the activity is, and eventually it might turn into something. Force yourself to talk to people. You can practice smalltalk by talking to the checkout person at the supermarket, the guy behind the counter at Starbucks, salespeople in department stores, etc. Talking to anyone and everyone will help you get over your shyness. Trust me, I used to be really shy! Not anymore.

 

I also think you should get back in school. If you can arrange it financially, you might want to consider living in the dorms instead of with your boyfriend. I think it's just about impossible to not make friends in the dorms. You could also form a study group for one or two of your classes to get to know people better.

 

Remember, building friendships takes time. This won't happen overnight, and will take work on your part. Force yourself to get off of that couch!

 

Good luck to you.

[Dragonflys]

Sally,

 

I think as with everything, practise makes perfect.

 

You have to overcome your fear of connecting. The only way is to go through the process again and again. It gets easier every time.

 

Look people in the eye, remember how little they know about you (and how little of you they could hurt you), be genuine and friendly in voice.

 

Smiling will take time, but I say focus on doing these first until you gain the confidence and feel like smiling.

 

It's not school anymore, people with any intelligence do not 'get out' to hurt you.

 

Oliver

[Sassy]

Hi,

 

I know exactly where you are coming from. I'm 20, living with my fiancé, and have few friends. But, in school I was the social butterfly. I went to all the parties, had the pager, cell phone, and my answering machine was always blinking. Then I moved to Nevada to be with my father. Made new friends. Moved back home, and found that I had grown apart from everyone I use to be close with.

 

It's hard walking around knowing that I really have no friends. And your right. It isn't easy to make true friends. I was burned really really bad by friends when I was younger. And just grew to like myself, and only myself. I've never had any prob.s finding a boyfriend. Its finding "girl-friends" that's the hard part. But, I believe what everyone has said. It does take time. Just keep yourself busy, join different activities, and most important. Be yourself! Don't try to change or mold to "fit" with someone else. Because then you will always find yourself bending to please them. Instead, by being yourself, you'll attract people of your kind. haha. Or shall I say people who like you for you. People who have the same interests, or hobbies. Just enjoy life, and friends will come to you if your willing to let them in. Smile, laugh, and enjoy your time. No matter what you find yourself doing. And if you need someone to talk to. My e-mail address is <e-mail address removed>. I'll be a friend if you'd like. )

 

Hello Everyone. I don't think that this fits the topic, but I have a severe problem, and need some advice, so some will be better than none.

 

Ok this is my problem. I am 19 years old and going through a tough time in life. I was kicked out just before my 18th birthday and before I went to university. I decided to move in with my boyfriend and try to go to school. I didn't have a job, or have any money for school, but did receive a loan. I went to school and dropped out because I didn't like it. I feel the main reason that I didn't like it was because I had no friends. i couldn't get along with anyone, and it was as though I envied all of them. This is my problem. Friends. It all started in grade 8 when i discovered that my friends from grade 5 had been using me. Ever since then at lunches I would sit alone, and do my own thing. I never talked to anyone in class, and I never wanted a boyfriend. When my boyfriend asked me out I told him that he would hate me and not to bother. He did anyway, and we're fine. When I went to university I thought for sure I would meet a whole bunch of people and make friends. instead the same thign happened. i stayed alone at lunch, and never went anywhere.

 

All of my boyfriens friends think I am a loser because all I have is him. I am now afraid he will leave me because of this. Does anyone know what my problem is? I don't know why I just can't make friends, and why I never want to go out and do anything. It's ruining my life, including my relationship. PLEASE HELP!!

[Rogue]

I don't have a magnetic personality. I'm one of those people who always makes a bad first impression on everyone. Everyone is always suspicious of me when they meet me. Most people are surprised when they find out I'm not as bad as they though I was.

 

You've done it right as far as I can tell. You said you had few true friends. That's good. Because true friends are few and far between, no matter who you are. The fact that you have them, and they're only a few shows you're doing something right. You really can't have the whole world love you.I'd be really concerned if you said you had tons of true friends, because that's almost impossible.

 

As for the extra effort,it's really just a numbers game.IF you make the effort each day for 100 people, 70 of them would be polite but indiffirent,29 of them would be outright rude. But one out of the 100 would really appreciate it. To that "one", could be your next true friend.