Surprise Divorce...

[SomeoneCA]

I'm planning on divorcing my wife in a few weeks and it's going to be a surprise. Every time I bring it up she turns into a groveling mess and threatens to hurt herself. So this is the only way since she can't do it maturely.

 

Is there anything I should do to prepare for this? I feel terrible it's going to hit her out of nowhere (I just pretend things are ok right now). We have a small child as well, and I'm torn on if I should pick them up from daycare that day and have them stay with me.

 

I'm going to take the day off and move all of my stuff out (clothes mainly), while she is at work, and then when she gets home I'll call her and let her know. I'll call her friends a little bit ahead of time so they know and can comfort her that night and through the weekend. Should I do it in person? But then she won't let me leave without calling the police for her to let me go (I've had to do this once before, it got really ugly and she ended up fighting with them).

 

I won't do it on a weekday because I wouldn't want her to get fired for missing work the next day.

 

Has anyone done this or gone through this before? I feel like I have to coordinate all of this so she doesn't completely fall to pieces or stop me from moving out and ending it. I'm even having my parents fly in from out of town in case I need someone to watch the baby while I have to take care of her.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

[Clarence_Boddicker]

How's it gonna be a surprise, if you have brought it up before? Are you gonna file & have her served the same day? Do you wanna go to jail? If not, then you should think twice about committing spousal kidnapping. You're free to move out, but you can't just take your kid, unless you're granted sole custody by the courts. Is this how you want your kid to remember you as, the evil dad that abandoned them & their mother? You sound clueless & selfish.

[StBreton]

My heart fell reading your post. You have a young child. I don't know your situation ...but have you gone to counseling?

 

If you feel you must go through with this ...I would set up a counseling session ...for 2 hours ...the first with both of you where your tell your wife of your decision ...the second for her ...if she needs it.

Get someone to watch your child. Please do not call her friends before you tell her.

 

Possibly have your parents there on a weekend as you pack. This will ensure things remain as calm as possible. I do not recommend just moving out behind your wife's back.

 

Your wife is of course going to be upset ...please do all you can to make the transition as best as can be ...you have a child together. Be compassionate.

 

You do sound heartless ...and immature yourself ...just sayin'

 

Have you thought of a trial separation? With counseling?

Edited October 27, 2015 by StBreton

[SomeoneCA]

We have gone to counseling. She stopped and I continued to help myself. She thinks she doesn't need to go, but because I've told her I'm done she has agreed to see her counselor just once.

 

Right now she thinks everything is fine because its easier for me to give in. When you have someone screaming "please don't leave me" for six hours in the middle of the night its just easier to say you'll stay so that you can keep your sanity.

 

I like the idea of the counseling session. I can find someone to watch the baby for a little bit while we go through that and I let her know.

 

Any reason you wouldn't recommend the friends? I just want her to have support because she has threatened to kill herself every time I've said I'm leaving.

 

I've brought up a trial separation, but she reacts just as dramatically as when talking about divorce. She becomes incoherent, shaking, etc.

 

If I appear heartless it's because I feel trapped by her threats of suicide. I'm in a relationship under duress and it has turned me into someone cold and heartless. Even then, I want to make sure she is OK after the news is delivered.

[Popsicle]

It's very courteous and caring of you to think so much of how she will take it best. I think this is a good thing and your ideas are good, but be prepared for it to not all go as planned. She doesn't seem like the type to let go without a big dramatic mess that she can draw out as long as possible.

[StBreton]

If you tell her friends beforehand ...it's like "et tu brute" where she might think you and her friends are against her ...as I'm sure you'll want her friends to keep your secret until you've told your wife. Your wife will have the counselor. Let her call her friends after.

 

Are your issues so dire you can't do the separation and she do counseling now that she can no longer deny you're serious?

 

What kinds of things do you "give in" to? Are you a compromising type person in your marriage?

Edited October 27, 2015 by StBreton

[m.snow]

where are her parents in all of this.

yes best to talk to her friends about this.

 

but I would suggest her relatives or siblings if possible.

 

if she is suicidal its best to have her support system in place.

 

best to talk to your counselor and have the counselor talk to her.

why does it need to be surprise?

[chasen_the_cycle]

I'm planning on divorcing my wife in a few weeks and it's going to be a surprise. Every time I bring it up she turns into a groveling mess and threatens to hurt herself. So this is the only way since she can't do it maturely.

 

Is there anything I should do to prepare for this? I feel terrible it's going to hit her out of nowhere (I just pretend things are ok right now). We have a small child as well, and I'm torn on if I should pick them up from daycare that day and have them stay with me.

 

I'm going to take the day off and move all of my stuff out (clothes mainly), while she is at work, and then when she gets home I'll call her and let her know. I'll call her friends a little bit ahead of time so they know and can comfort her that night and through the weekend. Should I do it in person? But then she won't let me leave without calling the police for her to let me go (I've had to do this once before, it got really ugly and she ended up fighting with them).

 

I won't do it on a weekday because I wouldn't want her to get fired for missing work the next day.

 

Has anyone done this or gone through this before? I feel like I have to coordinate all of this so she doesn't completely fall to pieces or stop me from moving out and ending it. I'm even having my parents fly in from out of town in case I need someone to watch the baby while I have to take care of her.

 

Any advice is appreciated.

Wow...this is nearly my EXACT situation, except for the harming herself part and our son is my step son. I have no intention of hijacking your thread, but you are not alone my friend...I intend to do the EXACT same thing in about two weeks, got my apartment today...and this is my THIRD time attempting to move out and leave. I have absolutely no intention of telling her about any of it either because she is so good at talking me out of it and manipulating me in to thinking our life together will be nothing but cotton candy and roses.

 

We have gone to counseling. She stopped and I continued to help myself. She thinks she doesn't need to go, but because I've told her I'm done she has agreed to see her counselor just once.

 

Right now she thinks everything is fine because its easier for me to give in. When you have someone screaming "please don't leave me" for six hours in the middle of the night its just easier to say you'll stay so that you can keep your sanity.

 

I like the idea of the counseling session. I can find someone to watch the baby for a little bit while we go through that and I let her know.

 

Any reason you wouldn't recommend the friends? I just want her to have support because she has threatened to kill herself every time I've said I'm leaving.

 

I've brought up a trial separation, but she reacts just as dramatically as when talking about divorce. She becomes incoherent, shaking, etc.

 

If I appear heartless it's because I feel trapped by her threats of suicide. I'm in a relationship under duress and it has turned me into someone cold and heartless. Even then, I want to make sure she is OK after the news is delivered.

 

Again...same thing I am going though...hang in there, that's what everyone tells me. It has to get better. I can't help but hurt for you though in dealing with the talk and threats of suicide. My wife has never brought that up, but she does go in to a deep depression whenever this comes up, and I imagine she has those thoughts even if she isn't voicing them.

[MightyPen]

It's very courteous and caring of you to think so much of how she will take it best. I think this is a good thing and your ideas are good, but be prepared for it to not all go as planned. She doesn't seem like the type to let go without a big dramatic mess that she can draw out as long as possible.

 

 

I agree with Pop.

 

I don't see why people are calling you unfeeling or selfish. Your wife sounds like an emotional mess. You mentioned her calling the police last time. That is really inappropriate for her to drag the authorities into something that was (apparently?) just a civil/domestic matter. I don't know if some people understand how scary that is for a man when the woman calls the police. If someone gets arrested, who do you think it's going to be?? The weeping/emotional woman or the guy?

 

I applaud you for taking her feelings into consideration and trying to find ways to cushion the blow.

[DivorcedDad123]

You're free to move out, but you can't just take your kid, unless you're granted sole custody by the courts

 

Yes he can and nobody can do anything about it,including the police. You can't "kidnap" your own kids. The only way he wouldn't be able to that is, a court order of protection that he's to be away from the kids, or a court order of custody to the exW. Other than that, he can do as he pleases with regards to getting the kid. He has equal rights as a parent. In fact,if someone other than the stbx tries to interfere with his custody of the kid, he can have them arrested for custody interference.

 

OP, if you feel that it's best you have the child when she's served,then do so.

[boltam]

I'm planning on divorcing my wife in a few weeks and it's going to be a surprise...

I won't do it on a weekday because I wouldn't want her to get fired for missing work the next day.

 

The last time you were serious about divorcing her she tried to kill herself by injesting household cleaner, that was 2 years ago.

 

Her missing a day of work is the least of the problems.

 

If you care about her, and your child (who could find herself without a mother) you need to speak to people in her life who can be supportive, and they should be present when you bring the hammer down.

 

I give you credit for staying so long with this woman who is a mental case. She may hurt herself or worse, but it's not worth sacrificing your own life for someone you made the mistake of marrying.

[dreamingoftigers]

You're free to move out, but you can't just take your kid, unless you're granted sole custody by the courts

 

Yes he can and nobody can do anything about it,including the police. You can't "kidnap" your own kids. The only way he wouldn't be able to that is, a court order of protection that he's to be away from the kids, or a court order of custody to the exW. Other than that, he can do as he pleases with regards to getting the kid. He has equal rights as a parent. In fact,if someone other than the stbx tries to interfere with his custody of the kid, he can have them arrested for custody interference.

 

OP, if you feel that it's best you have the child when she's served,then do so.

 

In my province, you CAN be nailed with kidnapping your own kids.

 

If you take your kids from the family home and try to block the other parent from having access, or taking them back to the family home, BOOM: kidnapping.

 

As well, this sounds VERY traumatic for OP's wife and the OP should consult a professional (both legally and health-care) with how to proceed.

 

How young is the child?

 

OP, are you perhaps not giving any kind of berth for post-partum issues?

 

What are your marital responsibilities?

 

You both sound as though you lack maturity. Although you sound like you lack dedication.

[boltam]

You both sound as though you lack maturity. Although you sound like you lack dedication.

 

You could theoretically say that about anyone who files for divorce.

[dreamingoftigers]

You could theoretically say that about anyone who files for divorce.

 

I disagree.

 

Clearly his wife is very troubled by the dissolution of the relationship.

To the point where she drank cleaner over it.

 

His main concern seems to be getting her off of his back, not so much about concern for her welfare (yes, it was mentioned but moreas an afterthought to him feeling "trapped.")

 

Or the welfare of his child.

 

Emotionally, overall he seems very uncaring so long as he doesn't have to " deal with her" anymore. Hence, he's trying to blindsideher with a divorce by grinding her character further under "can't be mature about it" etc.

 

Concern sounds like.... Concern....not "she's really inconvenient and crazy and doesn't want me to leave."

 

Concern sounds like, " my wife becomes suicidal. I have a young child. What do I do? What can I do? "

[loveboid]

Your wife is an emotional manipulator.

 

Do not tell her friends or anyone before hand!!! She will recruit them to help her keep you.

 

File for divorce. Figure out how long it takes. Schedule the divorce papers served to her by a sheriff the day you leave once you're completely gone. At the same time you file, include a petition for the judge to grant you exclusive use of the marital home. Say in the petition you fear for your and your child's safety due to her suicide threats. Suicide threats from a partner one is trying to leave should always be taken as threats against oneself! A partner threatening suicide for leaving will often kill the other person first! If judge grants that petition you can move back home and change the locks.

 

Inform the sheriff beforehand of her suicide threats. Maybe even schedule a mental health professional to go with the sheriff.

 

Why move back home? Because you have a kid. You have a better chance of getting at least 50/50 time sharing and reducing your child support. Get evidence of her attempted suicide. Use that in your divorce.

 

Find Men's Divorce Forum for help on divorcing nut jobs.

[boltam]

His main concern seems to be getting her off of his back, not so much about concern for her welfare (yes, it was mentioned but moreas an afterthought to him feeling "trapped.")

 

Or the welfare of his child.

 

Emotionally, overall he seems very uncaring so long as he doesn't have to " deal with her" anymore.

 

I guess you didn't read his back posts?

 

Sure it's his side of the story but if it's even remotely true he's got what most people would probably be good reason to get out.

[dreamingoftigers]

I guess you didn't read his back posts?

 

Sure it's his side of the story but if it's even remotely true he's got what most people would probably be good reason to get out.

 

DID YOU RWAD HIS BACK POSTS?

 

He's been abusing this woman for years.

 

Cheated on her with ten women over two years. Impregnated her, has withheld money and domestic help from her.

 

She has no family/ supports here and he's "romantically involved" with someone else.

 

All of this AFTER her drinking cleaner two years ago. Sound like love?

 

He even claims part of why he stays is because she lets him do whatever to her sexually.

 

No wonder she periodically wants to die.

 

HOW DARE HE CALL OUT HER MATURITY.

This isn't a marriage, its sociopathic abuse.

 

She needs a shelter and a great divorce lawyer.

 

I wouldn't even trust much of what he has to say about how "crazy" she is.

 

I would bet good money he threatens her with deportation or taking away custody of her child.

 

He already acts as though she doesn't have the rights to half of the marital assets.

 

I hope no one gives him any more advice so he can try to screw the system around and abuse his already fragile wife further.

[boltam]

DID YOU RWAD HIS BACK POSTS?

 

He's been abusing this woman for years.

 

Cheated on her with ten women over two years. Impregnated her, has withheld money and domestic help from her.

 

She has no family/ supports here and he's "romantically involved" with someone else..

 

I must have missed that part.

[loveboid]

Ugh. Me too.

[SomeoneCA]

Wow...this is nearly my EXACT situation, except for the harming herself part and our son is my step son. I have no intention of hijacking your thread, but you are not alone my friend...I intend to do the EXACT same thing in about two weeks, got my apartment today...and this is my THIRD time attempting to move out and leave. I have absolutely no intention of telling her about any of it either because she is so good at talking me out of it and manipulating me in to thinking our life together will be nothing but cotton candy and roses.

 

 

 

Again...same thing I am going though...hang in there, that's what everyone tells me. It has to get better. I can't help but hurt for you though in dealing with the talk and threats of suicide. My wife has never brought that up, but she does go in to a deep depression whenever this comes up, and I imagine she has those thoughts even if she isn't voicing them.

Please let me know how it goes with you. I'm hoping it's not difficult, but even now I'm struggling with how hard this will be on my family. Everyone I know is encouraging me though.

[SomeoneCA]

In my province, you CAN be nailed with kidnapping your own kids.

 

If you take your kids from the family home and try to block the other parent from having access, or taking them back to the family home, BOOM: kidnapping.

 

As well, this sounds VERY traumatic for OP's wife and the OP should consult a professional (both legally and health-care) with how to proceed.

 

How young is the child?

 

OP, are you perhaps not giving any kind of berth for post-partum issues?

 

What are your marital responsibilities?

 

You both sound as though you lack maturity. Although you sound like you lack dedication.

 

I've tried to get her to go a counselor. But she had depression issues prior to this. I actually wanted to leave 2 years ago, but then we found out she was pregnant. She promised a lot would change and it hasn't.

 

I went to my counselor again and they were telling me that they're hearing the same thing as 2 years ago. That I'm not in love and I'm staying because I feel bad for her.

 

Perhaps it is a lack of dedication, but I've told her I want to leave. I've told her I don't love her I don't know how else to explain it to her.

[SomeoneCA]

Your wife is an emotional manipulator.

 

Do not tell her friends or anyone before hand!!! She will recruit them to help her keep you.

 

File for divorce. Figure out how long it takes. Schedule the divorce papers served to her by a sheriff the day you leave once you're completely gone. At the same time you file, include a petition for the judge to grant you exclusive use of the marital home. Say in the petition you fear for your and your child's safety due to her suicide threats. Suicide threats from a partner one is trying to leave should always be taken as threats against oneself! A partner threatening suicide for leaving will often kill the other person first! If judge grants that petition you can move back home and change the locks.

 

Inform the sheriff beforehand of her suicide threats. Maybe even schedule a mental health professional to go with the sheriff.

 

Why move back home? Because you have a kid. You have a better chance of getting at least 50/50 time sharing and reducing your child support. Get evidence of her attempted suicide. Use that in your divorce.

 

Find Men's Divorce Forum for help on divorcing nut jobs.

 

I know this is all good advice and I should follow it, but I do have a concern for her future and how she will hold up. If I go ahead with all of that, she's going to be pushed over the edge.

 

I wish she could just see she doesn't need me and be strong enough to move on.

 

I actually don't have a concern she will hurt anyone else except herself. She has attacked me before, but I'll be out of the house and our child is the most important thing in the world to her.

[SomeoneCA]

I disagree.

 

Clearly his wife is very troubled by the dissolution of the relationship.

To the point where she drank cleaner over it.

 

His main concern seems to be getting her off of his back, not so much about concern for her welfare (yes, it was mentioned but moreas an afterthought to him feeling "trapped.")

 

Or the welfare of his child.

 

Emotionally, overall he seems very uncaring so long as he doesn't have to " deal with her" anymore. Hence, he's trying to blindsideher with a divorce by grinding her character further under "can't be mature about it" etc.

 

Concern sounds like.... Concern....not "she's really inconvenient and crazy and doesn't want me to leave."

 

Concern sounds like, " my wife becomes suicidal. I have a young child. What do I do? What can I do? "

 

I might feel this way if I still loved her. I fell out of love two years ago when she tried to kill herself. The only thing keeping me here is the child and her threats of suicide. Its been a long dead relationship. And she has promised some big things and not made those commitments come true.

 

You're probably right, I want out of this. But I don't want her to ruin her life when I leave.

[SomeoneCA]

DID YOU RWAD HIS BACK POSTS?

 

He's been abusing this woman for years.

 

Cheated on her with ten women over two years. Impregnated her, has withheld money and domestic help from her.

 

She has no family/ supports here and he's "romantically involved" with someone else.

 

All of this AFTER her drinking cleaner two years ago. Sound like love?

 

He even claims part of why he stays is because she lets him do whatever to her sexually.

 

No wonder she periodically wants to die.

 

HOW DARE HE CALL OUT HER MATURITY.

This isn't a marriage, its sociopathic abuse.

 

She needs a shelter and a great divorce lawyer.

 

I wouldn't even trust much of what he has to say about how "crazy" she is.

 

I would bet good money he threatens her with deportation or taking away custody of her child.

 

He already acts as though she doesn't have the rights to half of the marital assets.

 

I hope no one gives him any more advice so he can try to screw the system around and abuse his already fragile wife further.

 

I've never withheld money from her or domestic help. I've encouraged her to get help because she needs it. Whatever help she needs she is fine to hire someone.

 

Financially, she gets half. I've already gone through this with my attorneys. And trust me, half plus alimony is plenty to last anyone at least 10 years of not working. Also, I'll be giving her the home in addition to that. Its less disruptive to the child. Her friends are near here, and it's a very safe neighborhood.

 

The other items are true, I cheated because there is nothing left in this marriage. If there's nothing left, the only thing I can look to is sex. At least that was my way to somehow accept the situation that I can't leave. Other people might cope other ways.

 

You don't have to believe me, I tried to leave. I told her to leave. I hope she comes to me and tells me she's been cheating on me. Because it means she's found someone else to be happy with. I want that More than anything else.

 

I can't keep putting her through this and myself through this. She deserves better and so do I. I just wish she could see that she deserves it.

[SomeoneCA]

Also, I've tried to get her to bring her family here for support, but she doesn't want to do it. We can afford to fly them and pay for any fees to get them into the country. She won't do it.

 

And I'm no longer romantically involved with anyone else right now. I know that I need to be alone and work on myself after the divorce. For that reason, I can't just jump to another relationship. That is not fair to me or anyone.

 

And that sucks...having to leave someone you really do love and care about. But it's for the better and will let me focus on my child more when they will need me after all this happens.

 

I don't know if it's worth it to try and defend my actions. I just wanted some advice on how to make sure she doesn't fall apart when she knows we're getting divorced.