Surprise Divorce...

[CarrieT]

OP, when are you going to do the deed?

[anika99]

Also, I've tried to get her to bring her family here for support, but she doesn't want to do it. We can afford to fly them and pay for any fees to get them into the country. She won't do it.

 

And I'm no longer romantically involved with anyone else right now. I know that I need to be alone and work on myself after the divorce. For that reason, I can't just jump to another relationship. That is not fair to me or anyone.

 

And that sucks...having to leave someone you really do love and care about. But it's for the better and will let me focus on my child more when they will need me after all this happens.

 

I don't know if it's worth it to try and defend my actions. I just wanted some advice on how to make sure she doesn't fall apart when she knows we're getting divorced.

 

You loved and cared for the other woman? Are you sure about that? In your other thread when you said you were involved with her you also said you were rather enjoying the sex with your wife. How is that love for the other person? I think you are really messed up and don't even know what love is. I think your relationship with your wife is really toxic and that you have contributed far more toxicity then you admit to here.

 

You probably should divorce but I'm very concerned for your wife and child. I'm worried that your surprise divorce will make it all worse. She cannot be left alone when it happens and definitely not alone with the child. I don't know what to advise as it just sounds like an explosive situation. I hope everyone gets through this okay.

[SomeoneCA]

OP, when are you going to do the deed?

 

Soon. I'll probably posted after it though so as not reveal and identifying info. Sometime shortly after Thanksgiving.

[Lostweekend]

If you really care about your wife, contact her doctor or notify a healthcare provider of some sort. Address your concerns and that she has been suicidal in the past. Tell them that you plan on leaving her and that you are worried she will harm herself.

 

Wow, wonder what came first here. The chicken or the egg. Was she ill before she met you or did it develop during your relationship?

 

Although I will be the first to admit that people sometimes need to be apart if a relationship isn´t working, I feel bad for her. Must be very frightening when you are scared of being abandoned and left. Having a small child probably doesn´t help matters either.

 

A bit surprised actually. You write that your marriage has been kaput for years and yet when she fell pregnant a few years ago, she promised to make changes.

What were whose changes exactly? In a lot of your messages it comes across that you are making a whole lot of demands and she just isn´t living up to your standards. Must be hard on her when she is constantly reminded that she´s a failure. (in your eyes)

 

I´ll be very blunt. You come across as very cold and uncaring. You write that you are concerned for her and "the child" but I struggle to believe you. I´m sure you are a nice person but I think she has low self esteem and is frightfully unhappy.

You don´t just get to that point for no reason! Living with someone who is emotionally charged can be very trying but perhaps you should start to ask yourself how she got to this point? Has she been like this since you met or did this develop during your relationship? If so then perhaps you need to ask yourself if you are part of the problem?!! There are also cultural differences here. In some cultures there´s a lot of passion when expressing happiness or sadness.

 

As I said. If you really care then address this with her doctor or someone who can assist / help her in a professional manner. I´m not sure that friends are capable of giving the right help if she becomes suicidal!!

 

Sorry for asking uncomfortable questions but I felt chills going down my spine when I read your posts. I work in mental health care and your wife seems to be in a very sad place!

[SomeoneCA]

I will be contacting a counselor she has seen before so they are aware of what will be happening. I believe she had issues like this prior to us getting involved with each other.

 

The reason is that she has the same reaction to a family friend of hers dying as she did to some minor incident that happened. Losing her favorite pair of shoes was just as dramatic as when her family friend had passed. Same amount of crying and sadness for both. And one she had known all of her life.

 

I bring this specific incident up because, in retrospect, that should've been the sign to me to end it at that point. That was only after 3 months of dating.

 

There are culture issues at play too. In her culture people hardly ever get divorced so that is hard to deal with as well.

 

I probably am an *******, and she doesn't deserve that in her life. She can have a happier life, I just hope she sees that eventually.

 

Thanks you for the advice on the doctor as well, I will reach out to him.

[SomeoneCA]

I can't go into details on the things she agreed to because it would take away some anonymity. I wish I could provide more than that, but it was mainly about caring more for others and not being so focused on herself. Even my family got on her case about it and her own family apologized to me for her behavior and said it's their fault for how they raised her.

 

I hope she has an idea it's coming. I don't want to blind side her.

[chasen_the_cycle]

I'm sure she does...women's intuition is usually VERY strong. My wife knows something is up, she tells me just about every other day that she feels something is off even though I am trying to be completely normal.

[Ms. Faust]

 

I probably am an *******, and she doesn't deserve that in her life. She can have a happier life, I just hope she sees that eventually.

 

Probably?

 

Reading this and your past threads you sound pretty ruthless and lacking of empathy.

[anika99]

I can't go into details on the things she agreed to because it would take away some anonymity. I wish I could provide more than that, but it was mainly about caring more for others and not being so focused on herself. Even my family got on her case about it and her own family apologized to me for her behavior and said it's their fault for how they raised her.

 

I hope she has an idea it's coming. I don't want to blind side her.

 

Well actually you do want to blind side her, that's why you're not telling her. If you wanted her to know in advance you would just inform her.

[SomeoneCA]

Well actually you do want to blind side her, that's why you're not telling her. If you wanted her to know in advance you would just inform her.

 

The moment I mention anything about it she will stay up all night screaming for me not to leave her and threaten to kill herself. I have told her it's what I want several times in the past, but she won't let me get any sleep and threatens suicide until I relent.

[oldshirt]

The moment I mention anything about it she will stay up all night screaming for me not to leave her and threaten to kill herself. I have told her it's what I want several times in the past, but she won't let me get any sleep and threatens suicide until I relent.

 

Have you reported her suicide threats to the authorities or to her doctor?

 

 

If she a few days in a facility for suicidal evaluations every time she threatens suicide, she'll probably knock that off pretty quickly.

 

 

If someone makes some kind of credible suicidal threat or gesture, they need to be evaluated and treated.

 

 

If you don't believe her threats are credible, then why are you giving in to them??

 

 

So in other words, if she is making threats that you believe are credible enough that you are altering your behavior, then you should be getting her help.

 

 

If you don't believe they are credible, then don't give in to them.

[SomeoneCA]

Have you reported her suicide threats to the authorities or to her doctor?

 

 

If she a few days in a facility for suicidal evaluations every time she threatens suicide, she'll probably knock that off pretty quickly.

 

 

If someone makes some kind of credible suicidal threat or gesture, they need to be evaluated and treated.

 

 

If you don't believe her threats are credible, then why are you giving in to them??

 

 

So in other words, if she is making threats that you believe are credible enough that you are altering your behavior, then you should be getting her help.

 

 

If you don't believe they are credible, then don't give in to them.

 

She has gone through with it once, so they are credible threats. She was hospitalized, then committed and evaluated and it was decided she could leave after over a week there, she did the mandatory counseling they required as well. I've tried to get her to go more voluntarily, but she always has an excuse.

 

Now, if I tell her I'm going to call the police, she says the moment she sees any LEO pull up to the house or at the door she's going to kill herself before they can get to her. I've removed as many weapons as I can from the home, but there's always something she could use.

 

Also, I don't want her to lose her job. She worked so hard to get to where she is. Disappearing for a week because she's committed would probably mean they would fire her, and my fear is that would put her into further depression.

 

I've really tried everything I can think of...any other suggestions are helpful. I feel very stuck, hence the reason I can't mention it ahead of time and it has to be surprise and I just have to hope everything goes well after that.

[dreamingoftigers]

She has gone through with it once, so they are credible threats. She was hospitalized, then committed and evaluated and it was decided she could leave after over a week there, she did the mandatory counseling they required as well. I've tried to get her to go more voluntarily, but she always has an excuse.

 

Now, if I tell her I'm going to call the police, she says the moment she sees any LEO pull up to the house or at the door she's going to kill herself before they can get to her. I've removed as many weapons as I can from the home, but there's always something she could use.

 

Also, I don't want her to lose her job. She worked so hard to get to where she is. Disappearing for a week because she's committed would probably mean they would fire her, and my fear is that would put her into further depression.

 

I've really tried everything I can think of...any other suggestions are helpful. I feel very stuck, hence the reason I can't mention it ahead of time and it has to be surprise and I just have to hope everything goes well after that.

 

They CANT fire her for that.

 

YOU are making excuses and continuing to abuse her with threats of leaving and then cheating on her. This is NOT how someone who cares about a mentally ill spouse treats them (even at "the end" of a relationship).

[ladydesigner]

They CANT fire her for that.

 

YOU are making excuses and continuing to abuse her with threats of leaving and then cheating on her. This is NOT how someone who cares about a mentally ill spouse treats them (even at "the end" of a relationship).

 

I agree with this. If you are going to leave why don't you just do that!

 

Your wife needs serious help and she definitely doesn't need you exacerbating the situation.

 

While it may be a personality disorder she has, and I understand how hard it is to be married to someone with a disorder (my WH is NPD and was diagnosed) it is not fair to keep threatening D. Either you are or you aren't.

 

If she threatens suicide you call the authorities and have her admitted...again...that is how it works.

[oldshirt]

She has gone through with it once, so they are credible threats. She was hospitalized, then committed and evaluated and it was decided she could leave after over a week there, she did the mandatory counseling they required as well. I've tried to get her to go more voluntarily, but she always has an excuse.

 

Now, if I tell her I'm going to call the police, she says the moment she sees any LEO pull up to the house or at the door she's going to kill herself before they can get to her. I've removed as many weapons as I can from the home, but there's always something she could use.

 

Also, I don't want her to lose her job. She worked so hard to get to where she is. Disappearing for a week because she's committed would probably mean they would fire her, and my fear is that would put her into further depression.

 

I've really tried everything I can think of...any other suggestions are helpful. I feel very stuck, hence the reason I can't mention it ahead of time and it has to be surprise and I just have to hope everything goes well after that.

 

 

 

No she didn't go through with it once because she is still here.

 

 

This is a manipulation tactic on her part to control you and you are enabling her to do it.

 

 

If she makes what you believe is a credible threat, contact the authorities and get her help.

 

 

If she makes a noncredible threat, continue on about your business.

 

 

Either way, it's on her and her issue. you do what you gotta do. Otherwise it is just allowing her to manipulate you and you are enabling her bad behavior.

[MJJean]

My ex husband pulled the whole suicide thing.....once.

 

My grandmother drank rat poison and whiskey. She did it in the middle of the day, on grandpas birthday, while pregnant with his child, in front of my then 5 year old mother and my then 3 year old uncle. Grandma died long before grandpa got home from work.

 

My friend divorced, 30 days later he got caught drunk driving after assaulting his ex wife when he dropped off their shared child after visitation. Rather than face the DUI and assault charges, he went home and shot himself in the head w a 9mm pistol.

 

I don't play games. If someone actually wants to kill themselves, they will.

 

So, my ex made the threat and my response was to hand him a box of razor blades, instruct him to please do it in the bathroom so he doesn't ruin the carpet, and I closed the door and walked away. He's still alive. It wasn't any fun without an audience.

 

Too many people use threats of suicide as manipulation. Some will even go as far as a token try in such a way that they're likely to survive relatively unscathed because they want attention and sympathy in order to get their way.

 

It's been 20 years since my ex's bullshyte. I still have no pity. Anyone who threatens suicide around me now is given 3 options.

 

1) go to the local hospital and check in*

2) do it

Or

3) never, ever, make that threat again and deal with life like everyone else.

Edited November 5, 2015 by MJJean

[SomeoneCA]

No she didn't go through with it once because she is still here.

 

 

This is a manipulation tactic on her part to control you and you are enabling her to do it.

 

 

If she makes what you believe is a credible threat, contact the authorities and get her help.

 

 

If she makes a noncredible threat, continue on about your business.

 

 

Either way, it's on her and her issue. you do what you gotta do. Otherwise it is just allowing her to manipulate you and you are enabling her bad behavior.

 

She went through with trying to kill herself, but because I called the paramedics in time they were able to save her and get her to the hospital before it became too bad. It scared the **** out of me having to hold her while talking to the 911 operator not knowing if she was going to die or not before they arrived. She's tried and pretty much succeeded, If I wasn't there I Don't know what would've happened to her.

 

Maybe you're right, I'm enabling it. But it's hard when someone you care about has successfully harmed themselves and threatens to do it again. She's not bluffing, obviously.

 

Someone else mentioned that she can't be fired for it. I need to check employment laws in my state to see if that's true.

[SomeoneCA]

They CANT fire her for that.

 

YOU are making excuses and continuing to abuse her with threats of leaving and then cheating on her. This is NOT how someone who cares about a mentally ill spouse treats them (even at "the end" of a relationship).

 

In my state, unless you've been employed for a year, you can be fired for any reason. At-will employment and employer friendly laws from just quickly reading up on it.

 

She hasn't been employed for a year so she could be fired for any reason, including this one.

[jakrbbt]

Think about the child.

 

I too left my ex when he tried to plug his ears and stick his head in the sand. So there was no plan about who would have the child, when. We had a one-year-old. No way was I moving out without establishing time with my baby! I had to kind of force a parenting-plan, texting ex daily. We haggled over it. It was a mess but it worked out in the end.

 

My advice should be tempered with this: See a lawyer about what you can and can't do.

 

Short of that, I'd say that you should suggest a temporary, informal parenting-time schedule that you can do, and that would be good for your child, and that would not unnecessarily grant you more time than ex. If ex is unsafe, that's one thing. But if she's not, then any attempt to keep child away from her, can backfire legally (let alone be bad for child).

 

Suggest a parenting-time schedule that can be temporary, and give it to her in writing. Let her know you're moving out and still want a relationship with your child. The idea is to sketch out some plan where (1) you do not have to live with person you're divorcing but (2) you both still get to see and parent your child.

 

Yes, she might try to take a swat at you by keeping you from seeing child. She may claim it's "your fault" for leaving/cheating and that you don't deserve to see child. Courts don't see it that way in my experience-- the child has their OWN right to each parent. No matter what one parent did to the other one. (Well, physical abuse is another story sometimes.) So if you present her with a reasonable parenting plan, that will help you to overcome (in court, if necessary) any attempt she might make to punish you by keeping you from child.

 

And depending on the age of your child, it might not be good to surprise him/her with suddenly being in a new house with daddy and not mommy. Give child a day or two for someone to tell them what's going to happen.

[SomeoneCA]

The parenting plan is excellent advice! I didn't even think about that. I will definitely put that together. I plan on them keeping the house, I don't want it to disrupt my child by having a new home.

 

Thanks you for the excellent advice.

[Lurkeraspect]

Having read all your (nauseating) threads, I'm wondering how you think this is a surprise. You've been threatening this since 2013. I feel so bad for your child and your wife. My hope is there is someone in her life that will point out how much better off she (and the child) will be with you gone.

 

Most women would have left you years ago.

[StBreton]

The moment I mention anything about it she will stay up all night screaming for me not to leave her and threaten to kill herself. I have told her it's what I want several times in the past, but she won't let me get any sleep and threatens suicide until I relent.

 

 

I reiterate my prior feelings upon reading your first post...you sound heartless and immature.

 

I will adjust my feelings after reading more of your recent posts....instead of you "sound" you ARE heartless and immature. You are one stone cold **. I feel sorry for anyone to whom you become involved. You are a scary person ... and I've read a lot of scenarios on this forum. I'm not a newbie to relationships or people and I stand by my gut instinct upon reading your first post.

Edited November 7, 2015 by StBreton

[SomeoneCA]

Having read all your (nauseating) threads, I'm wondering how you think this is a surprise. You've been threatening this since 2013. I feel so bad for your child and your wife. My hope is there is someone in her life that will point out how much better off she (and the child) will be with you gone.

 

Most women would have left you years ago.

 

I wish she would have done that years ago. I know she can have a better life. She just doesn't realize that, I have to force it and just hope that she is OK in the end.