BF has retroactive jealousy?

[girlinthesun]

Okay so I've heard the term retroactive jealousy on here to describe people who are intensely jealous of their partners past, it describes my boyfriend of 5 months to a T.

 

I don't have a promiscuous past but we're both fully aware how angry he is about me having sex with one person (once), with himself, and how he can't change it. Many fights have ensued but we get past them. I know it's his problem and he needs to deal with it, and it is getting better. Getting better, as in, we don't fight as often about it - he holds a lot of it in and then after a few weeks, will just completely freak out about something.

Well, today it was old facebook posts from over a year ago.

We're all guilty of having embarrassing facebook posts, right? I don't mean anything mentioning old boyfriends and how much I loved them and silly little emoticons (because I didn't have any old boyfriends, I haven't loved anyone else), but instead statuses about an inside joke with my small, all-girls friend group. Or the status I made in October 2014 about watching sport should be a form of exercise.

He went through my Facebook, I thought it was playful until he started calling my "past self" names, how much he would have hated me back then and asking me what makes me different now than to who I was over a year ago. It cut pretty deep.

 

Enough rambling, I think that's a given a fair amount of context and should show how he feels. He says that in that moment, he just doesn't care how I feel. Complete disregard. He takes it all so personally, even though we only met 7 months ago. Way after I had sex in Jan 2014

 

What can we do about retroactive jealousy? He's a really sweet guy, this side of him I hate. I know there's no person in the world who I'm going to be 100% happy with all the time, so I'm not going to break up with him for having these immense feelings which aren't his fault.

Do your partners have these feelings and outbursts? How do you deal with them yourself, and then help your partner?

I want him to feel better about himself and to stop feeling so threatened by things that existed before I knew he did.

[PegNosePete]

A relationship of 5 months, did I get this summary right?

• You have "many fights"
  
• He will "completely freak out" on multiple occasions
  
• He goes through your old facebook and criticizes you
  
• He calls you (or your past self - same thing) names
  
• He says he would have "hated" you
  
• He "cut pretty deep"
  
• He said he doesn't care how you feel
  

These are not the actions of someone who cares and respects you. In fact they are nasty, abusive and manipulative. If he's treating you like this after 5 months, how do you think he'll be after a year, or 5 years? Let me tell you now, it will only get worse. He is controlling and domineering. He is a BAD GUY.

 

I know there's no person in the world who I'm going to be 100% happy with all the time, so I'm not going to break up with him for having these immense feelings which aren't his fault.

How old are you? How do you know there's no 100% match out there for you? How long did you spend looking? Even if you're right I can guarantee there is a much better match than this! You should not be dealing with this drama in such a young relationship. You should be in the honeymoon phase, totally smitten with each other, loving every second you spend together. You deserve a LOT better than this drama he is causing.

 

Do your partners have these feelings and outbursts? How do you deal with them yourself, and then help your partner?

No, and the behaviour you describe would be totally unacceptable to me. I would tell my partner that it is unacceptable and that if it happens again I will end the relationship on the spot. In fact if the relationship were only 5 months old I would not even give the yellow card; it would be an immediate dump. Do not put up with this kind of behaviour. This is how abusive relationships start.

 

Why do you say it's not his fault? It is totally his fault. His problem. His issue. And he is taking it out on YOU.

Edited October 27, 2015 by PegNosePete

[ExpatInItaly]

Take it from a woman who's dated a guy like your boyfriend - run. Now. My ex had ridiculous outbursts like your boyfriend. I too tried to help. I finally realized I couldn't and walked away. One of the best decisions I ever made.

 

It's not going to get better without long-term, regular professional intervention. What's he doing is emotionally and verbally abusing you and it is not okay. He has serious mental health issues that are unrelated to you. Don't put yourself through emotional hell because he's sweet sometimes. It's not enough. And I can nearly guarantee it's going to get much, much worse for you.

 

Seriously. He's not in a position to be anyone's boyfriend. And you should never allow yourself to become his emotional punching bag. It's not worth it.

[boltam]

He's a really sweet guy

 

No he isn't. Your dismissing all the bad, and embellishing the good.

 

Most reasonable secure women would never consider staying with a person like this. You really need to do some rethinking about this whole thing.

 

It's not going to get better.

[lolablue17]

he is a cute guy with problems, and he should take care of himself.

 

Tell him that he must find away to solve his own problems, otherwise, he ruins your relationship and it probably wont last.

[smackie9]

You can't fix an abusive a hole. Walk away before he gets even more crazier.

[deadelvis]

Retroactive Jealousy can and usually does go away on its own. There are ways he can deal with it which will help it to pass more quickly. Here are some exercises I've suggested to men who struggle with RJ. It's written from one man to another, you may want to print these for him.

 

These exercises helped me a lot. I think it took me about 3 months of doing these exercises before I stopped feeling distressed about her past. Now it doesn't really bother me anymore. I'm still not exactly thrilled about some of the things she's done, but it doesn't haunt me anymore. Although I do notice that when our sex life goes in decline for whatever reason (herpes outbreak etc.) I feel insecure thoughts of her past rising up inside me. A constant and fulfilling sex life really helps take the sting out of retroactive jealousy. Here are the exercises.

 

 

1. Make a list of 5 unique and special moments you shared together that fill you with happiness every time you think of them. Keep the list in your pocket. When you start feeling insecure or jealous read over the list a few times. Try to really feel what you felt on those occasions. One of mine was the first night we slept in the same bed and she fell asleep with her head on my chest.

 

2. Write two letters you will never send. Write one letter to her, telling her everything you're feeling and how upset you are about everything that happened during the time before you were together. Feel free to list off every detail that you are obsessing over. This will be painful. You will feel angry while doing this. That's ok. Don't send the letter. Now write a reply letter from her to you, where she gives you a compassionate and detailed explanation of everything you mentioned in the previous letter. Her letter should be written in a way that puts your heart at ease regarding everything that happened in the past. Be sure the letter specifically addresses each of the topics mentioned in the previous letter. This letter should provide a compassionate explanations of everything that happened and be written in a way that soothes your concerns. This letter is sort of designed to debunk everything you're upset about from her past. Now burn the first letter and read the second letter every night before bed or every morning when you wake up. I actually made an audio recording on my phone of myself reading the second letter aloud and I listened to the recording whenever I was having a bout of retroactive jealousy.

 

3. Make a mental list of all the most enjoyable sexual encounters you had during the years of your life before her. Now spend some time thinking about how those experiences influence your feelings toward your current partner. The answer will be obvious... those experiences don't take anything away from your feelings toward your wife, in fact it will seem silly to imagine those past experiences being even remotely related to the marriage you have now and the feelings you have for her. When you find yourself thinking of her past, reflect on your own past sexual history and the happy times you had. It won't damage your feelings for her or make you long for past lovers... it will do the opposite, it will remind you how much more special your relationship is with your wife.

 

4. Make lists of everything you are upset about and organize them into seperate cohesive issues. Then write out detailed "responses" to the issues. These responses should be designed in such a way as to relax you and make you feel calmer and peaceful. For example a few of the lists I made were titled things like "She lied about her past" or "Lack of sex in our relationship" and things like that. Then when you write the responses they should have wording like "...she is still sexually attracted to me, but things like work and the kids have made it more difficult to have an active sex life, by scheduling private time together we can start to ... blah blah blah" You get the idea. These are designed to "talk you off the ledge" when you're having a panic attack. Now read them aloud and record the responses on your phone. Listen to whichever one applies as you find yourself getting upset over these issues. These worked great for me. Almost every time I heard my own voice telling me what I needed to hear (in a calm and thoughtful manner) it immediately calmed me down and got me back to a healthy mind state.

 

 

If you actively do those exercises, I promise you will start to quickly feel better and your anxiety over this will become manageable. Good luck. May the force be with you.

Edited October 27, 2015 by deadelvis

[hippychick3]

I was married to that type of person for many years. Believe me when I tell you...it gets worse over time. This is only the beginning of an abusive relationship. There is absolutely NO amount of sweetness, affection, generosity, or caring he can give you when he's not abusive that will make this relationship okay.

 

Please get out...find a therapist if you need to to help you get away from such a controlling, possessive, and manipulative person.

[deadelvis]

I think the people saying it never goes away and gets worse over time are dead wrong. Many people struggle with retroactive jealousy. My previous GF struggled with it. I've struggled with it. In my experience it takes about 3 months, depending on the severity of the situation and the persons desire to overcome it. If a person never gets over their feelings of retroactive jealousy, they probably didn't even realize they had a problem. But it's not fair to say that just because someone is uncomfortable with your past they won't be a good partner. It can be overcome. I think everyone has some degree of retroactive jealousy, but for some people it's a bigger issue. It never was an issue for me until my current partner started telling stories about her past and it really knocked the wind out of me. Also the more you care about someone, and the more shocking their past, the more intense the retroactive jealousy becomes.

[thecharade]

Very jealous gf=most likely gonna deal and work it out.

Very jealous bf=most likely an abusive jerk.

 

YES, I am generalizing! But I am 50 years-old and NOT living in a shell!!!

 

Run.

Far and fast.

 

Many years, many friends, much research.

Run.

[LostOnes05]

Yea, I'd have to agree. He doesn't sound like a good guy. He's angry about Facebook posts from before you guys were even together?! Seriously? And has he had sex before you? Buy a pacifier and the next time (if you choose to stay) he goes on a rant just pull it out and give it to him...with his baby ass.

[basil67]

No, I've never had a partner who had outbursts such as these. And if it did happen, it would be 100% dealbreaker for me.

 

I can't imagine any man being otherwise good enough that I'd tolerate this type of treatment.

[PegNosePete]

Many people struggle with retroactive jealousy.

Yes but that is not the only issue here. The issue is that OP's BF is an abusive jerkwad.

 

You are right, retroactive jealousy can be recovered from, like any other issue, if the sufferer wants to get over it. Clearly this guy does not. He does not admit there is a problem. He simply wishes to take it out on his GF, control her and manipulate her.

 

You can't fix someone who doesn't want to be fixed.

[smackie9]

It's a tough one. Even when they acknowledge it as a problem, if they don't get professional help, it doesn't go away. The old "I'll never do that again, I'm so sorry" gets repeated many times. IMO you are better to walk.

[Clockwork]

5 months? You should still be in your honeymoon stage. You really shouldn't have had a fight yet. Not for at least another month. He should still be getting butterflies over you, and you over him. If there is problems at 5 months it will only get worse and to be this possessive at this stage is just trouble.

 

 

Run.

 

 

This is a man saying this and I know how a jealous guy (at that stage) can be.