Fiance got drunk and totaled my car- more below.

[Caidy]

My fiance and I got into a "fight" on last Thursday night. He said that he wanted to record full time, and work full time and I told him that I wasn't sure I could deal with that- he was wanting me to work full time (which I already do) and also take care of all of the domestic activities as well as yard work so that he could follow his dream.

 

I asked him if he could record "part-time," but he said that to do with hip-hop what he wants to do, he'd have to do it full time. Basicially, no compromise on his part what so ever.

 

Well, the real problem is that I want to go back to school, at least part time, so that I can get a degree that's more useful then what I have now. So, I also would not have time to take care of ALL of the domestic duties.

 

So, that night, I told him that I was thinking about moving back in with my parents. I said that I didn't want to break up, but that I wasn't sure we were going in the same direction. He flipped out, started crying, and said that I was trying to force him to choose between me and hip hop, his two great loves.

 

Really, that's not the case- I never said that it's me, or hip hop. I just said that I wasn't sure I could live with that "compromise."

 

I go to bed at eleven thirty that night, and fiance says that he's going for a drive in the car.

 

At 2 a.m., one of my best friends wakes me up to tell me that fiance has gotten in a wreck and totaled my car. My friend drives me to pick up fiance, only to find him drunk out of his mind and gibbering that he, "knows it's over."

 

So, I call my dad, who offers to help under the conditions that I get out of the unhealthy relationship, and move back in with my mother, which I have.

 

It's been a few days, and fiance promises to go to AA, (he's promised this before) and that he'll clean up, regardless of whether I'm with him, or not. He says that he doesn't think that his mom will ever forgive me for upsetting him and causing him to get drunk and wreck. Also, since I've had to move out (and I paid for almost all the utilities) he's telling me that now he's basically going to be homeless and car-less, and making me feel really guilty. He saying that he's considering ending his life because he's lost so much. Should I feel guilty?

 

My question is- is this my fault? Did I cause this in some way? Would any of you (if you were in fiance's shoes) blame me for this?

[wowzers]

YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME, YOU SHOULD FEEL NO GUILT.

 

Let him go and you find some happiness~!

[Debster]

My question is- is this my fault? Did I cause this in some way? Would any of you (if you were in fiance's shoes) blame me for this?

 

No, this is not your fault. Your fiance is an adult and capable of making his own decisions. You didn't hand him the booze and then hand him the keys and tell him to drive.

 

No, I would not blame you for it if I was him. TO be honest, your fiance sounds like a spoiled child. It may not feel like it right now, but you are better off without him.

 

Good luck.

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by Caidy

I asked him if he could record "part-time," but he said that to do with hip-hop what he wants to do, he'd have to do it full time. Basicially, no compromise on his part what so ever.

 

Well, the real problem is that I want to go back to school, at least part time, so that I can get a degree that's more useful then what I have now. So, I also would not have time to take care of ALL of the domestic duties.

 

The two of you want different things. I don't know how old you are, but you (both) need to do what you really want to do, before kids come along and you can't or to avoid feelings of regret.

 

At 2 a.m., one of my best friends wakes me up to tell me that fiance has gotten in a wreck and totaled my car. My friend drives me to pick up fiance, only to find him drunk out of his mind and gibbering that he, "knows it's over."

This is a taste of how he handles stress. He isn't going to change, so if you don't like this behavior, don't look for it to get better. Is this how he is going to deal with things when there are kids running around? Is this the action of a responsible person?

 

So, I call my dad, who offers to help under the conditions that I get out of the unhealthy relationship, and move back in with my mother, which I have.

I'm confident that your dad sees this relationship more objectively than you do. IMHO, he has been seeing it as an unhealthy relationship since before this incident. That should be a red flag to you.

 

He says that he doesn't think that his mom will ever forgive me for upsetting him and causing him to get drunk and wreck.

To Hell with his mom! YOU didn't upset him. HE upset HIMSELF. He is the one who refuses to work out any sort of compromise. His mom must be good at coddling him. It sounds to me like he hasn't grown up if he needs to include his mother in a situation that HE created. Also, he is isn't behaving like a "Big Boy" if he goes running to "tell his mommy."

 

Also, since I've had to move out (and I paid for almost all the utilities) he's telling me that now he's basically going to be homeless and car-less, and making me feel really guilty.

Instead of making YOU feel guilty, this should be making HIM grow up! If he is a MAN, he shouldn't need to lean on a woman. PHFT!

He saying that he's considering ending his life because he's lost so much.

He is playing on your emotions and trying to manipulate and control you.

Should I feel guilty?

Hell, no.

 

My question is- is this my fault?

No!

Did I cause this in some way?

No!

Would any of you (if you were in fiance's shoes) blame me for this?

Being an adult, I wouldn't PUT myself in HIS shoes. He is pathetic.

 

Edited to add: Oh, wait! I'll bet he isn't going to help you replace your car either, IS he? Naw . . . I didn't think so.

[Caidy]

Well, here is the situation as it stands:

 

Fiance has shaved his head and gotten a lip ring (the way he acted when his previous ex dumped him). My father has said that if fiance doesn't get a loan to pay off my car, that dad is going to take fiance to court for reperations.

 

I am the only thing standing in between my ex fiance and magistrate court.

 

Fiance says he can't get a loan because his credit is shot, due to cosigning on a loan with his mom for a car that his mom later wrecked and had repossessed.

 

I was like, "Fiance, just try to get a loan. It may be high risk, but at least it would save you from magistrate court and bankruptsy."

 

All he said was, "I'm losing my mind, Caidy. I'm really losing my mind."

 

I don't know if this is a wierd-o guilt trip, or not.

 

We've really fought alot because I've stopped catering to him.

 

When he told me that he thought he was losing his mind, I was like, "Fiance, you need to buck up, and pull yourself together, because now you need to be sharper then ever."

 

He gave me me a cynical little laugh and said, "I can't deal with this while I'm at work, I've gotta go," and hung up the phone on me!

 

Rarrr!

[scarlyjones]

I am a recovering alcoholic..........Ive been sober for a year and a few months now.....I was a dropdead drunk for 15 years. So bad that at 5ft 6"....I weighed 110lbs and drank a gallon of cheap whiskey a day washed down with two 40 oz beers. I did this everyday. No B.S. I know what Im talking about on THIS subject, atleast. He is trying to make you feel guilty for HIS life. He is NOT happy with himself. The very best thing you can do is exactly what you did. Got out. Good for you. As long as you stay with someone who drinks like that without them seeking help, all you're doing is enabling the problem to grow. DRUNKS NEED CONSEQUENCES. That simple. THey need it or they will never quit. Its how drunks get to that "Rock-Bottom" you hear them say from time to time. WIthout consequeces for their drinking, they never get to that rock-bottom. Maybe he needed to lose you,....maybe he needed to lose his grasp to his hip hop dream. His mother, if its even true about what hes saying SHES saying,...is only helping his pain go on by taking him in or taking his side. Its NOT your fault he drank. Its NOT your fault he drove. You are allowed to state your feelings. What???...are you supposed to NEVER say anything that someone else might not agree with or be hurt by simply because you think they may drink and drive? Thats not your responsibility. Its his. And this thing with him telling you he may end his life,.....well thats B.S. too. Thats his way of,...again,....scaring you into taking him back. Its the ol, famous alcoholic tactic " I'll show you,....I'll hurt me" routine....DONT FALL FOR IT. You took a stand. Dont faulter now. You did good. Im proud of ya!!!

[scarlyjones]

sorry,.................i just HAVE to say this.....................................this guy sounds like the biggest P*SSY. k,...that is all,...thanks

[New_Wife]

Originally posted by Caidy

...he's telling me that now he's basically going to be homeless and car-less, and making me feel really guilty.

 

From the greatest female influence of all time (IMHO), Eleanor Roosevelt:

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

 

exchnage inferior for 'guilty' 'stupid' whatever word you like. He is not making you feel guilty. You are allowing yourself to feel guilty. I'd reccommend putting a full stop on that.

 

 

Originally posted by Caidy

He saying that he's considering ending his life because he's lost so much. Should I feel guilty?

 

No, you should dial 911 if you feel his life is genuinely in danger. If not, it is a ploy, and I refer to my above suggestion.

[Caidy]

LOL! Scarly, you're not the only one who has said this. It's rather true.

 

New_Wife- yes, I know all of this. The reason I posted was to sort of...make sure...that my feelings of disbelief and annoyance at him were verified through third parties.

 

At first, his guilt tactics sort of worked, because I like to take care of people. I'll admit it, I need to be needed. However, he just went too far with the things that he said.

 

I started to disbelieve him, and that's when I posted here- I thought, "Maybe I'm being too hard on him, but my gut instinct tells me he's being a douche."

 

So, thanks for all of your input, guys. It's been really helpful. Honey, you're great, as well. Thank you for taking so much time with my thread.

[scarlyjones]

you are very welcome......................lol........by the way..........I love the way to put that. I hate it when my gut instinct points out douches. lmao...

[Lil Honey]

Originally posted by Caidy

Honey, you're great, as well. Thank you for taking so much time with my thread.

 

You are welcome . . . Now, let's all form a million woman march and go talk some sense into my daughter . . .

[Caidy]

Yeah, let's do!