Her wedding video

[toma1]

Ok so I know part of this is insecurity from my prior marriage (Wife had an affair 3 times) and part of it is just will I guess not understanding.

 

Last night my new wife and I are cleaning up the basement, making room for some work she is going to do down there. And in one of the cabinets there are maybe 4 or 5 VCR tapes (yes VCR lol). She grabbed them along with a folder of pictures which she specifically said these are “so and so’s” pictures I’m going to put them with his stuff. (Her ex still has ton’s of stuff in our basement from 5 years ago which thankfully is being moved out within the next two weeks, which is why this may bother me a little bit more too.) She put his pictures with his stuff and when I walked over to the other side of the basement I saw her holding on to two tapes, one labeled and one not. She put them on a shelf sitting directly in front of the doorway and across from the exes stuff. The one labeled was facing out, and says “Our Wedding with a heart”. Now obviously I know that there are wedding photos, and a wedding dress still in the house, well in our closet. But they are for the most part put away.

 

The way she placed this though kind of hit me, as its out in the open, I will see it every time I walk to the washer and dryer, and the ex will for sure see it, when he comes to remove his things. A similar thing happened about two weeks ago where we had a tag sale, and she was selling items, one of them found its way back in to the house, it was a boy, holding an engagement ring, with a little board that said yes or no, and a girl standing there with her hands on her heart. This was on the living room table and I was taken back, so I said something which she took offense, because she said her daughter thought it was cute and she (my wife) doesn’t even believe her ex gave it too her, it was one she said she purchased because she thought it was cute. Her response was that she had a life before and she was married. And of course I know that and obviously accepted it, but the little momentos of their marriage that I get to look at every day is like a slap in the face. I had to fight to get family photos of them of the walls and off the fridge. Ones with strictly the girls I have no issue with, but trying to keep the persona of a "family" for the girls is just a little crazy, because to me its not the truth and in fact we have now become a family.

 

And when anything from my past comes up, it’s a fight, there is NO WAY I could EVER have anything like this in the house. Obviously it’s easy for her as I moved in to her home. I

 

I know its stupid for me to feel like this, but it’s the fact that she says she never loved him, and he would physically, verbally and mentally abuse her that kills me.

 

I would love to approach on this “Wedding Video” because of the way it is placed, I will see it every day. But I know its going to cause a fight about how she has had a past.

[OldRover]

I could STRONGLY argue to get rid of anything that reminds either one of you of your former ex. Tapes, pictures, etc. Especially, if there's a issue with them.

 

Some people handle things different, but for the most part, having pictures and things from a left over relationship just don't go well in a new one.

 

The emphasis should be made with the new relationship, and the memories and pictures should be of you new times with her. So, go out and have good times, take pictures, movies and save those instead.... and she needs to be on board.

[Redheaded Mistress]

She has kids with him. She should hang on to those items because the kids deserve to have them if they want them.

 

My sister (half-sister) never knew my mother and her father married and my mother's old wedding dress, video, ring, and photos mean the world to her. Even with my husband's children, we have stuff of when their father was with their mother stored away for when they're older.

 

Hanging the pictures of him on the wall and stuff like that is a bit much, but I think that the VHS should be put to DVD, then the dress, the memorabilia, and the rest of it be put in a box for when the kids are older.

 

You married somebody who was married before. You can't pretend it didn't happen and it's not fair to ask her to deny that she had a life before you came along.

 

I think the real issue here is you're insecure about your relationship. You think she still loves him and not her. This isn't about wedding videos, it's about a fear she would rather be with him than you.

[OnlyBelieve]

I honestly would like to say to you that I am sorry you are in a new marriage and having these challenges.

 

We will all have our opinions. What's important is the communication between both of you and understanding from both sides. Communicating and conflict resolution is vital, without that being positively effective, the marriage will struggle and fall apart.

 

You may want to express how it makes you feel. How does it make you feel?

What solution will you offer to help this situation? If you are not sure, maybe seeking support, professional advice & resources in this area before bringing it up again.

 

I honestly feel that you should be able to live in a house that you can call home with your wife. If you can't because of the past, there's going to be continuous challenges and constant conflict.

 

What can be done so the both of you can have a successful marriage and not allow the past to interfere?

 

If you did not have premarital counseling before getting married, I recommend getting help before the issues get deeper. It's very helpful.

 

Read the articles below, you can google them.

 

"Listening is the First Step to Conflict Resolution in L.U.V.E."

by Greg Smalley

"Positive Communication in Marriage" by H. Norman Wrigh

 

Blessings to you,

[Mr. Lucky]

The one labeled was facing out, and says “Our Wedding with a heart”. Now obviously I know that there are wedding photos, and a wedding dress still in the house, well in our closet. But they are for the most part put away.

 

The way she placed this though kind of hit me, as its out in the open, I will see it every time I walk to the washer and dryer, and the ex will for sure see it, when he comes to remove his things.

 

Take the label off the offending VCR tape and replace it with something that vaguely sounds like porn - "Satan's Cheerleaders", "Congressional Interns Gone Wild", etc.

 

Problem solved ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[OldRover]

I honestly would like to say to you that I am sorry you are in a new marriage and having these challenges.

 

We will all have our opinions. What's important is the communication between both of you and understanding from both sides. Communicating and conflict resolution is vital, without that being positively effective, the marriage will struggle and fall apart.

 

You may want to express how it makes you feel. How does it make you feel?

What solution will you offer to help this situation? If you are not sure, maybe seeking support, professional advice & resources in this area before bringing it up again.

 

I honestly feel that you should be able to live in a house that you can call home with your wife. If you can't because of the past, there's going to be continuous challenges and constant conflict.

 

What can be done so the both of you can have a successful marriage and not allow the past to interfere?

 

If you did not have premarital counseling before getting married, I recommend getting help before the issues get deeper. It's very helpful.

 

Read the articles below, you can google them.

 

"Listening is the First Step to Conflict Resolution in L.U.V.E."

by Greg Smalley

"Positive Communication in Marriage" by H. Norman Wrigh

 

Blessings to you,

 

Only,

Both good articles. It's amazing how much good info is out there if we would only look. Thx.

[Got it]

As a woman in a second marriage with stepkids I have no issues with items from his first marriage, pictures, etc. I disagree that they aren't still a family, they are, you are just now part of it as well. Why does items from their marriage threaten you?

[qubist]

are you insecure? have shown any other sign of insecurity? if so you need to take care of this first. I don't see anything wrong with her keeping the wedding videos or pictures specially that you are the one who moved in to her house where he used to live. trust me it probably huts him more that you are there in that house, raising his kids and living the life that used to be his.

[Miss Peach]

She has kids with him. She should hang on to those items because the kids deserve to have them if they want them.

 

My sister (half-sister) never knew my mother and her father married and my mother's old wedding dress, video, ring, and photos mean the world to her. Even with my husband's children, we have stuff of when their father was with their mother stored away for when they're older.

 

Hanging the pictures of him on the wall and stuff like that is a bit much, but I think that the VHS should be put to DVD, then the dress, the memorabilia, and the rest of it be put in a box for when the kids are older.

 

You married somebody who was married before. You can't pretend it didn't happen and it's not fair to ask her to deny that she had a life before you came along.

 

I think the real issue here is you're insecure about your relationship. You think she still loves him and not her. This isn't about wedding videos, it's about a fear she would rather be with him than you.

 

I agree with this. I was married before. There is NO WAY I would ever want my XH back but I still keep a few wedding photos and other photos from when we were together. I have also seen his XGF's photos. I even saw a pic of my BF's XW. This is their past from before me. It wouldn't bother me at all unless whoever I was with maintaining an inappropriate relationship with an ex (and that would bother me regardless of what mementos they had).

 

If a guy ever wanted me to get rid of the handful of photos I have , especially if I had kids with the ex, I would refuse to. Not because I want my XH back. Because it is part of what made me who I am today and my kids deserve to see when XH and I were a family.

[OldRover]

Good points, but placing stuff like this in the open to be seen by the new person, if it bothers them, is not appropriate. Sure, there's some insecurity. I never had an issue with it, but sometimes felt a bit awkward seeing past husbands of my GF at the time... just would rather not.

 

Kids, family, etc, no problem.

 

And my GF had HUGE problems if I had any part or pix of my ex wife around... she did have a problem (and never solved).

 

It all depends....

[Got it]

Sure, I agree, and the couple needs to work it out. I just find it very perplexing WHY it bothers someone. I mean, if they wanted to be with that person they would right? They did divorce them so unless they are showing tangible actions indicating an active interest in the other person it just isn't worth getting riled up over.

 

And I hate this linear thinking that, okay parents divorce, family over. Now two new families start, etc. I think of it as one big, now bigger, family with new members in it.

 

It just all depends on how you look at it. But their past is their past and I have no interest in pretending it didn't happen, that it didn't have some very positive moments, etc.

[toma1]

I am at ease with the previous relationship, and maybe just maybe (maybe I’m not admitting it to myself I do have that insecurity of her still loving him in a way). But I don’t feel threatened on an everyday basis. But the way I look at it is, that marriage didn’t work out, she decided to divorce him, A. because he was an abusive prick, and B. she says she never loved him. So this is where the confusion lies, Yes absolutely I would never ever deny that he had a hand in two amazing children, but he mentally damaged her.

 

I understand people handle things differently, me for instance, I just assume not talk to my ex-wife, unless it has to do with my son. They will text multiple times a week, and it’s not always about the kids. She self admittedly said if I spoke to my ex as much as she does, she would be a raging lunatic, I also know the same is true for any momento that I would have brought in to the house. So it’s not like this is a one sided thing she does feel the same way, I just don’t react to her negatively, and look at her point of view and wouldn’t do something like that anyway.

 

As I said she has wedding photos in albums on the top shelf of our closet, THEY DON"T BOTHER me, her wedding dress hanging in our closet in a dress bag DOESN'T BOTHER ME,. If I had to look at them every day, it certainly would, but they are put away. She has TWO amazing memories in her children, that I love and adore as if they were my own.

 

AND yes I agree we are ALL a big family, and I do like that you put it that way, but seriously why would I as the husband want pictures of the ex with my wife hanging on the wall in the dining room or on the refrigerator.

Really? What happens when we move? Do those pictures go up in our new house?? My point isn’t that they aren’t “family”, but that façade of what some of these pictures show as “happy” is gone, that is gone. If we all decided to make a big family photo THAT would be a totally different thing that I would certainly embrace.

 

Just to clarify, if she had found the wedding video, and put it say with the wedding albums, it probably would not have had this effect. It’s the fact that she found it, and placed it exactly where I can see it just about every day, AND for the ex-husband will see it when he comes to pick up all of his things. I think that unknown of WHY did she not put it away, does it mean something??, FEAR plan and simple.

Edited October 28, 2015 by toma1

[Got it]

I am at ease with the previous relationship, and maybe just maybe (maybe I’m not admitting it to myself I do have that insecurity of her still loving him in a way). But I don’t feel threatened on an everyday basis. But the way I look at it is, that marriage didn’t work out, she decided to divorce him, A. because he was an abusive prick, and B. she says she never loved him. So this is where the confusion lies, Yes absolutely I would never ever deny that he had a hand in two amazing children, but he mentally damaged her.

 

I understand people handle things differently, me for instance, I just assume not talk to my ex-wife, unless it has to do with my son. They will text multiple times a week, and it’s not always about the kids. She self admittedly said if I spoke to my ex as much as she does, she would be a raging lunatic, I also know the same is true for any momento that I would have brought in to the house. So it’s not like this is a one sided thing she does feel the same way, I just don’t react to her negatively, and look at her point of view and wouldn’t do something like that anyway.

 

As I said she has wedding photos in albums on the top shelf of our closet, THEY DON"T BOTHER me, her wedding dress hanging in our closet in a dress bag DOESN'T BOTHER ME,. If I had to look at them every day, it certainly would, but they are put away. She has TWO amazing memories in her children, that I love and adore as if they were my own.

 

AND yes I agree we are ALL a big family, and I do like that you put it that way, but seriously why would I as the husband want pictures of the ex with my wife hanging on the wall in the dining room or on the refrigerator.

Really? What happens when we move? Do those pictures go up in our new house?? My point isn’t that they aren’t “family”, but that façade of what some of these pictures show as “happy” is gone, that is gone. If we all decided to make a big family photo THAT would be a totally different thing that I would certainly embrace.

 

Just to clarify, if she had found the wedding video, and put it say with the wedding albums, it probably would not have had this effect. It’s the fact that she found it, and placed it exactly where I can see it just about every day, AND for the ex-husband will see it when he comes to pick up all of his things. I think that unknown of WHY did she not put it away, does it mean something??, FEAR plan and simple.

 

Okay I think that is a good question to ask her. Why was the video different? And I have a BIG problem with the double standard. I would not ask anything of my husband that I wouldn't be willing to do/not do. That is not fair and THAT is the biggest problem.

 

You two are a partnership and the rules have to be the same.

[road]

Maybe too many years on forums has left me suspicious. My mind would be screaming what is on that unmarked tape that she won't get rid off.

[oldshirt]

IMHO people cleat 've the right to hold on to some mementos and keepsakes from prior marriages.

 

However once remarried the current spouse has the right to not have them on public display in their own home.

 

If she wants to keep stuff in a box in the corner of the basement storeroom, that's her business.

 

However you have the right to not have them in your line of sight in your own home.

[qubist]

Toma1:The only issue I have is her double standard. She adimitted that sh would be furious if kept the same level of communication with your ex then insist keeping her ex picture and stuff. To me this is the issue that you should be concern about the most. You have to confront her about her double standard. I'm just afraid that she is just selfish and has no consideration to your feelings which if that's the case it would show in other ways and end up risking your relationship.

[lolablue17]

You are way way more patient than me. If I were in your shoes, I'd have asked her to take it off my site immediately, and to put it in a box. If she wouldn't, I'd found stuff of my Ex's and put it all over the house.

 

Yes, I would have made a big fight over this, because I think it's a major issue. Not the video tape, but the way she thinks she can step on your face. It's a clear act of disrespect. Further more. If you give up on this, she might disrespect you more and more in the future, and she appreciate you much less.

 

If she just put it there without being aware any of it, she will do as you ask put it in a box right away.