daughter, dad, and me makes three!

[hotpotato]

Heres an example of what i mean. We were all going to go see a movie, and he asked her what she,wanted to see. Even she was like, Who you talking to ? " Turns out she didnt go. He was affectionate to me at the movies, or at least as affectionate as he will ever be in public. Hmm i dont think that would have happened if she had been there.

 

We were all going to go bowling together. We all went into the city together. He wanted her to ride with me back to my house.

 

 

Honestly, im kinda scared to bring it up. Ge said his 2nd exwife had a prob with his daughter. I guess all this was a dealbreaker to her.

 

We have known each other for a few weeks. I guess we are kinda moving fast as ive already spent the weekend with him!

[hotpotato]

HP, is he a lot older than you? My apologies, I have no idea of your age.

 

Having asked that though at any age (me being at any age anyway and if I were you) I would likely have a brief chat with her when he isn't there (toilet break or something) and say something like 'Does your Dad always drag you out with him when he goes on dates? Has he not sussed you'd rather cosy up with a movie and have some time for yourself yet when he is out? A woman needs 'some' nights where she gets control of the remote control!!' (with a smile and a laugh).

As in make her your friend. You may well be able to put a stop to this if you two 'gang up' for want of a better phrase.

 

He might be thinking she might feel left out - dunno - but she is 23, He may well be close to her which is good but always out on each date is weird.

 

Maybe though there is something not so good that has happened to her in the not too distant past - they may not be speaking up (understandable) - this is something else to bear in mind.

 

Yes, he is quite a bit older than myself. I definitely keep it friendly with her.

 

Thanks for the suggestions. Im trying to think of ways to bring this up that are lighthearted!

[hotpotato]

This is a very messed up thought, but some guys fantasize about banging their daughters friends. Given the fact that he is already dating someone his daughters age, and trying to make them into friends, could he be trying to fulfill this fantasy the other way around?

 

I wouldnt be surprised. Fi b ally, find a guy i like. Enter weirdness.

[hotpotato]

Pretty much any guy who has dated a single mom can relate. I know I can. I have dated many people who are "best friends" with their kids. Like you, I felt awkward about it.

 

They say when you date someone, you are dating the kids too. In your case, literally!

 

Lmao yes

They are definitely best friends! They travel together and everything. Its great that they are close, but sometimes i just wanna be with him!!!

[hotpotato]

Now that i think abt it, i think he said she has asthma or something like that.

[hotpotato]

Ok, this is getting annoying.

 

Im trying to have some one on time with him. I suggested we go to x event. He says it sounds fun. Hes never been to X. So...I go online and buy tickets for two. Fast forward, he asked me why i didnt buy 3

 

:confused:

 

Umm cuz im here for one day. He asked me to ask her if she wanted to go. So i ask. He comes out of the shower, and apologizes. He said he should have asked if i minded. I said i didnt ( i know i know). Later she told him that if im only here one day, maybe only the two of us should go. So yes, its 100% him.

[hotpotato]

Is there any chance that this will end without me having to bring it up?

 

 

Also, last night we went to the fair. We were all in the car earlier, but his daughter said she could go to the fair on her own time. I think she was suggesting that he and I go. She's right, she' there all the time, she can go whenever. I'm not there all the time. Anywayz, we end up going, and I actually end up riding..with her...It was fun, but I kinda came there to be with him. I felt like a stepmom.

 

There was 0 op to flirt with him. I'm surprised we had sex lol. He said he liked that I had fun with his daughter. So yes, maybe he is trying to make us friends.

[anika99]

Heres an example of what i mean. We were all going to go see a movie, and he asked her what she,wanted to see. Even she was like, Who you talking to ? " Turns out she didnt go. He was affectionate to me at the movies, or at least as affectionate as he will ever be in public. Hmm i dont think that would have happened if she had been there.

 

We were all going to go bowling together. We all went into the city together. He wanted her to ride with me back to my house.

 

 

Honestly, im kinda scared to bring it up. Ge said his 2nd exwife had a prob with his daughter. I guess all this was a dealbreaker to her.

 

We have known each other for a few weeks. I guess we are kinda moving fast as ive already spent the weekend with him!

 

Okay this whole situation is weird. Sounds like his daughter is more tuned in to how you might be feeling than he is.

 

It concerns me that you won't talk to him about it because you can't have a truly healthy relationship with someone when you are afraid to be honest about your feelings. It seems that you are worried that he will turn sour on you if you tell the truth, so you are pretending to be okay with things when you are really not ok. That's not fair to yourself or to him. You are trying to build the relationship on a foundation of pretending. He set you up by telling you right out of the gate that his 2nd wife had a big problem with the daughter. That was his way of saying you better not have a problem with her.

 

It also occurred to me that the man might have a problem with one on one emotional intimacy. It may not be that he just really loves her and has a close relationship with her. It may be that he uses her as a buffer to protect him from emotional relationship stuff. Men are usually not as clueless as we sometimes think they are. I don't believe that he simply has no idea that dragging your adult daughter along on dates will prevent closeness between him and his date. He knows and he's doing it for a reason. If this has been an ongoing theme in his life then no, it will not just go away. You have to decide what you are willing to put up with and be honest with yourself about it. Do you want to have a serious relationship with a man who avoids intimacy?

[xxoo]

Is there any chance that this will end without me having to bring it up?

 

 

Also, last night we went to the fair. We were all in the car earlier, but his daughter said she could go to the fair on her own time. I think she was suggesting that he and I go. She's right, she' there all the time, she can go whenever. I'm not there all the time. Anywayz, we end up going, and I actually end up riding..with her...It was fun, but I kinda came there to be with him. I felt like a stepmom.

 

There was 0 op to flirt with him. I'm surprised we had sex lol. He said he liked that I had fun with his daughter. So yes, maybe he is trying to make us friends.

 

Why don't you just ask him?

 

Phrase it positively: "I crave alone time with you so we can flirt and be sexy together on dates"

 

There's a possibility that he's bringing her along to prevent that sort of thing.

[hotpotato]

Ok, thanks everyone. Ill have to bring it up. Obviously, he cant or does not want to take the hint.

 

Hes not super flirty even when shes not around, but her being there doesnt help. He get slightly flirty last night at x event since it was dark.

 

She is more attuned to whats going on. This may be a broken record, like a,repeat of situation with wife no. 2. I wonder if he 'married' his daughter. If this is what guys go through dating single noms, i see why many avoid the situation. Devils advocate.

[sandylee1]

It's very odd behaviour and I can't understand why he thinks this is normal. I can understand he wants you get on with her..but this is a bit too much.

 

If he ever says his ex had a problem with his daughter..then ask "exactly what was the problem" or even bring it up yourself ...say ."you know you said your 2nd wife had a problem with your daughter...what was the problem". Then see what he says and challenge if necessary.

 

Sometimes you need to make people see sense....if he thinks it's normal, then tell him to ask his friends what they think about it....this is what I do when my husband and I have a difference of opinion and I know I'm right. I get him to post the question on a relationship forum like this..and independent people make him see sense.

 

It's always worked for me......

[MissBee]

Ok, this is getting annoying.

 

Im trying to have some one on time with him. I suggested we go to x event. He says it sounds fun. Hes never been to X. So...I go online and buy tickets for two. Fast forward, he asked me why i didnt buy 3

 

:confused:

 

Umm cuz im here for one day. He asked me to ask her if she wanted to go. So i ask. He comes out of the shower, and apologizes. He said he should have asked if i minded. I said i didnt ( i know i know). Later she told him that if im only here one day, maybe only the two of us should go. So yes, its 100% him.

 

This guy doesn't seem like he'll ever leave his daughter behind to have a normal adult relationship.

 

So at this point you can silently suffer, be okay with it somehow or find another man to date who isn't joined at the hip to his adult daughter to the point that she goes on all his dates.

 

That would be a deal breaker for me. Of course his ex wife had an issue! Most women would. You can love your child and be close to them yet not have them tag along on your dates. No part of expecting this NOT to happen is unreasonable. You're doing yourself a disservice by pretending you're fine with it. What's the point of dating someone but hating something they seem to do ALL the time and you just complain to others and not them? You'll eventually resent him and things will probably fall apart anyway, so I'd suggest you bring it up and be honest. If he dumps you because of it, it's not your loss, trust me!

[xxoo]

Does the daughter not have a life outside of her parents? I'm surprised she has so much free time for dad on the weekends.

 

As a parent, I like the idea of spending the days with the kids and the nights alone. That's my reality anyway. So I might be fine dating someone like this, and actually like it. To me, the daughter would be a bonus But I doubt that a 20 something with no kids would be compatible.

[hotpotato]

Daughter has a life, im sure. Problem is he keeps inviting her. We were supposed to drive to bama to have fun, buuut he has to ask her if she wants to come. This wouldve been a great op to talk to him, but not if she comes. He freely admitted this would make it hard for us to have sex. Ok, then why invite???

Neither one had been to a haunted house so he invited her

She had tickets to go to anothet haunted house, but she gave them away. Sooo she ended up coming with us. Nothing against her, it looks more like he is the problem.

 

Ok, ill bring it up. Geez, its like thetes always some kind of dealbreaker.

 

Sometimes we dont even get nights alone. I dont expect her to completely disappear as she lives there part time, but does dhe really need to come on our dates?

 

I definitely see why the ex wife had issues. I do feel like he set me up, like youre gonna like my daughter around 80% of the time or else. "If you dont like it, leave" kind of thing.

[hotpotato]

Btw, he asked why i didnt buy 3 tickets in a roundabout way, making crazy faces. At first, i thought he was concerned abt the price. Then he asked me to ask his daughter if she wanted to go. He knew he messed up when he came back and asked if i minded if she came.

[MissBee]

Daughter has a life, im sure. Problem is he keeps inviting her. We were supposed to drive to bama to have fun, buuut he has to ask her if she wants to come. This wouldve been a great op to talk to him, but not if she comes. He freely admitted this would make it hard for us to have sex. Ok, then why invite???

Neither one had been to a haunted house so he invited her

She had tickets to go to anothet haunted house, but she gave them away. Sooo she ended up coming with us. Nothing against her, it looks more like he is the problem.

 

Ok, ill bring it up. Geez, its like thetes always some kind of dealbreaker.

 

Sometimes we dont even get nights alone. I dont expect her to completely disappear as she lives there part time, but does dhe really need to come on our dates?

 

I definitely see why the ex wife had issues. I do feel like he set me up, like youre gonna like my daughter around 80% of the time or else. "If you dont like it, leave" kind of thing.

 

I think anika's post is great too. It could be more than just liking his daughter around and he may have emotional intimacy issues so purposely invites her around so that you two never really get a chance to be alone, but by inviting her it simply seem like it's not something intentional but "it so happens..." or he just likes spending time with her and you, it's worth considering this.

 

I remember when I was in high school and I didn't like a guy or was just scared to be alone with one because I wasn't ready for sex I'd always invite my sister on dates. The guys found this annoying of course but for me it worked because that way I didn't really have to be alone with them. As a teen it's understandable, as a grown up, having your adult daughter come along on all/most of your dates with a new woman not so much. I understand this more when you're an established couple or family even where the focus expands to include more people but in a new dating scenario (few weeks) this is too much. I rarely introduce a man to my family so soon, friends yea probably, but family, no, much less inviting my child on our dates. I think it's normal to spend time alone in the beginning before you start incorporating others. I also had a roommate who was seeing this guy and I remember he'd come from out of town, 5 hours away, maybe once a month to see her and he would ALWAYS invite me to go on their dates or join them while they were having dinner or watching a movie. I found it so strange! I would intentionally try to give them space since they were a couple and he lived far away and I figured they'd want time alone but he, not she, would always try to find a way to invite me. I would come home and it would be candlelight dinner and I'd say hi and head to my room and he'd be like "Hey want to join?" or they'd be getting ready to go out and I'd be making a snack or something and he'd invite me....I was like this guy never seems to want to be alone with her...long story short she came home in a puddle one day because he broke it off and told her she wasn't a good fit for him and then it all made sense to me that this guy didn't ever really seem to want to be alone with her for long. He kept traveling from afar once a month to see her though....so he either had his own issues or he just didn't like her.

 

Not to say this guy doesn't like you or anything, I'm just thinking that it is possible that he may have some kind of intimacy issue where being alone with you is something he avoids (he may not even consciously realize he's doing this) by always using his daughter as a buffer (as I used to do with my sister, and my old roommate's bf used to attempt to do with me).

[hotpotato]

Ok, I thought of when he physically used her as a barrier. At the haunted house, she was mostly sandwiched between us. When we were standing in line to get in, she was also between us. I went to stand by him, and he was wondering why. He jokingly asked if I was scared, so i went back to my previous spot. Well, of course, if want to stand by him. I'm trying to date him not his daughter.

 

This is getting too weird even for me.

 

Later, we were talking about going to the fair. She says she can go on her own time, so he turns around. After we get home, I told him I wouldn't mind going to the fair. In fact, i'm sure i said that before. He said i couldn't go to the fair because I was wearing a dress. Anyway, i put on a pair of shorts under my dress, and we all go to the fair. There he says that if she hadn't gone, I would have been asking him to get on the rides.

 

I had to think to myself, "Where have i seen this before?" Well, I think my mom has similar issues with my brother. I've always thought he was like a surrogate boyfriend to her.

[anika99]

I feel kind of bad for his daughter. It sounds like she is often reluctant to tag along but goes to please him. She has learned to feel responsible for her dad and take ownership of his feelings and happiness. She will probably end up in therapy one day.

[hotpotato]

k, so he sees nothing wrong with me being 3rd wheel. He even said i was like a 3rd wheel. He also said he didnt realize how i felt-like a tag along stepmom. He says ill get used to being around them. No, i will not, i will always be the third wheel. Im never gonna be close to him like she is, shes his daughter.

 

He says ex wife had a problem with him and took it out on him. He says he was always close to her. She was 7 then, shes not 7 anymore. She does not need to come with us. I dont know if i always want to be the step mom tag along.

 

I pointed out that she said shes always around and im not.

 

He said he wanted her to go to the haunted house because she had never gone. Ok, so i cant do new things with just him. Things theyve previously done, i cant do with just him either. Whatever.This is all annoying. Maybe if it got to that point, id let them do their thing then do activities with him later.

[xxoo]

At 7, it makes complete sense. I sort of think the ex might have been too needy and has made him overly defensive on this topic. At 23? It's not so normal.

 

Doesn't the daughter have friends? A romantic interest of her own? Maybe he screwed her up in his power struggle with his ex.

 

The only solution I can see here is the daughter standing up for herself and telling dad to get his own life.

[hotpotato]

Daughter has friends, a boyfriend, and at least one job.

 

He wont stop inviting her. Now he knows that I feel like a 3rd wheel. He says he's dated women with kids so he knows. It sounded like he was talking about smaller kids. I didn't think i would deal with this because she's grown. She's not 7 anymore. We can leave her home alone. She is not a child who never sees dad, nor does she need supervision.

 

I've told him before that when she's around it's starts feeling like a family outing. We are dating not married. Even if we are married, we would need couples only time. Theres no reason she needs to come to most of our activities.

 

ETA: He said if she was going shopping or wherever she would invite me. Umm, we are not friends. If she invited me, i'd assume she was just being polite and didn't really want me to come. If I were dating a man and had grown kids, I would't expect them to be so buddy buddy. They would need to coexist, but not necessarily be friends.

Edited November 2, 2015 by hotpotato

[xxoo]

. Theres no reason she needs to come to most of our activities.

 

Except that he clearly wants her to.

 

She's oddly willing to comply, which is harder for me to understand.

[hotpotato]

Except that he clearly wants her to.

 

She's oddly willing to comply, which is harder for me to understand.

 

Me, too. I told him that sometimes it seems like she disappears when its time for us to do something. He didnt believe that.

 

I guess his excuse would be that she had never been to a haunted house, and she was home, cant leave her home alone (even though she had tickets to another one and gave them up). Oh yes, i forgot yo tell yall. He almost let me go in the house with just his daughter. Wtfffff bruh? He almost didnt go with us. I bought those tickets for me and him not so i could have stepmom stepdaughter bonding time. He does not find it weird that his daughter stood btwn us literally most of the time at the haunted house.

 

This is some weird stuff. She has brought this up to him, but if he and i went bowling and she were home, theres a good chance she would come.

 

Its to the point where i dont want to plan things with him. If i buy two tickets, he cant take the hint. She knows something isnt right, but she still tags along. Bizarre.

Edited November 2, 2015 by hotpotato

[hotpotato]

Ok, he did mention something abt her thinking i might take her place since we are close in age. Its silly, bc im the 3rd wheel.

[xxoo]

Ok, he did mention something abt her thinking i might take her place since we are close in age. Its silly, bc im the 3rd wheel.

 

Oh, geez. You're jealous of her, she's jealous of you. He's got his own twisted version of two women vying for his attention!

 

Gross. This isn't healthy.