scorpiogirl Posted February 9, 2016 Share Posted February 9, 2016 I am very aware of all that, but it doesn't alter the fact he is her dad and wants to be still be a big part of her life. YOU are jealous and see her as a "gf" and a competitor vying for his attention, when he is just a helicopter parent who cannot let go and wants you to fit in and be one big happy family. Unless you give in and be the "mom", like he wants you to be, this is going nowhere. Right. It's so weird how this girl is being described as a "girlfriend". Not sure how that leap was made. That just shows the OP doesn't have the maturity to deal with this. Throwing a tantrum just puts you on the level of a daughter to him. You're behaving like a petulant child, getting angry about a cake, when the real issue is, this is not the kind of relationship you want to be in. The daughter has been around for a long time, and knowing their relationship, it's crazy to want to make him choose. You'll lose every time. Yes, the dad is being silly and unreasonable with this but it's kind of odd to label her as a girlfriend. And furthermore, if you suspect some kind of incestuous relationship, wouldn't you bolt? As fast as possible! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Right. It's so weird how this girl is being described as a "girlfriend". Not sure how that leap was made. That just shows the OP doesn't have the maturity to deal with this. Throwing a tantrum just puts you on the level of a daughter to him. You're behaving like a petulant child, getting angry about a cake, when the real issue is, this is not the kind of relationship you want to be in. The daughter has been around for a long time, and knowing their relationship, it's crazy to want to make him choose. You'll lose every time. Yes, the dad is being silly and unreasonable with this but it's kind of odd to label her as a girlfriend. And furthermore, if you suspect some kind of incestuous relationship, wouldn't you bolt? As fast as possible! Did you read the WHOLE thread? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SpiralOut Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 If he really cares about his daughter, then he should try harder to model a healthy relationship. The way he is acting is nuts. If this girl gets married and has children she might do the exact same thing to her husband and get stuck in the same pattern as her father - losing her partners, or being in highly unsatisfying romantic relationships. OP, you can do much better than this. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
scorpiogirl Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Did you read the WHOLE thread? Yes, I did. I still don't think I'd describe the daughter as a "girlfriend". That would not be my go-to conclusion. And I stand by my point that if I thought this way, I couldn't still be around what is clearly a dysfunctional relationship. I'm not saying the father is right. But he wants OP to fulfill a role she doesn't want, so why is this still ongoing? If I thought my boyfriend and his daughter had some sexual tension between them, I'd be out of there. I don't see how you and I are saying different things. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 I am very aware of all that, but it doesn't alter the fact he is her dad and wants to be still be a big part of her life. YOU are jealous and see her as a "gf" and a competitor vying for his attention, when he is just a helicopter parent who cannot let go and wants you to fit in and be one big happy family. Unless you give in and be the "mom", like he wants you to be, this is going nowhere. Are you serious? Have you read through this thread? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Yes, I did. I still don't think I'd describe the daughter as a "girlfriend". That would not be my go-to conclusion. And I stand by my point that if I thought this way, I couldn't still be around what is clearly a dysfunctional relationship. I'm not saying the father is right. But he wants OP to fulfill a role she doesn't want, so why is this still ongoing? If I thought my boyfriend and his daughter had some sexual tension between them, I'd be out of there. I don't see how you and I are saying different things. Imagine a dad calling his daughter juicy. To be fair thats in the other thread. He took us to go find sexy clothes for me. Imagine taking a trip with a,man and he starts fawning over his daughter and how he wants her to be there. Google emotional incest, covert incest. A lot of single parents develop a quasi romantic relationship with their kids. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 Last night, thinhs got even more bizarre. He basically said that it would also be fine to bring my mom or family out on our dates. In short im selfish bc i dont want to date him and his daughter. If i dont want her around on a regular basis, then i have a problem with her. He is a wonderful caring family man and im selfish. Im also being like his second ex wife. So pffft whatevs i tried. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Have you officially told him the relationship is over?!?!? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 If he really cares about his daughter, then he should try harder to model a healthy relationship. The way he is acting is nuts. If this girl gets married and has children she might do the exact same thing to her husband and get stuck in the same pattern as her father - losing her partners, or being in highly unsatisfying romantic relationships. OP, you can do much better than this. Funny you say that, he basically said we can be a couple when she gets married and moves out. Im not surprised as thats the vibe i got. Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 Last night, thinhs got even more bizarre. He basically said that it would also be fine to bring my mom or family out on our dates. In short im selfish bc i dont want to date him and his daughter. If i dont want her around on a regular basis, then i have a problem with her. He is a wonderful caring family man and im selfish. Im also being like his second ex wife. So pffft whatevs i tried. :facepalm: HP, are you waiting for the go-ahead from Mission Control to break up with this guy? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 :facepalm: HP, are you waiting for the go-ahead from Mission Control to break up with this guy? I dont knooow lol I was like this with my first ex. For some reason, i find myself in bad situations in which i get hurt but have a hard time leaving. I know hes not going to change. He gave up a relationship with the love of his life (2nd ex wife) so i know he wont change for me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted February 10, 2016 Author Share Posted February 10, 2016 If he really cares about his daughter, then he should try harder to model a healthy relationship. The way he is acting is nuts. If this girl gets married and has children she might do the exact same thing to her husband and get stuck in the same pattern as her father - losing her partners, or being in highly unsatisfying romantic relationships. OP, you can do much better than this. Yup. I read this stuff is intergenerational. I actually feel bad for her. I can see her saying, "If you cant handle my relationship with my dad (or child) then you need to go like all the others!" So sad. I feel bad for future guy, he will be called jealous of whoever is her object of affection bc hes trying to get close to her. That husband is gonna be the bad guy who is intruding on her relationship with family. Her bf now seems like a pushover who wont say anything abt their daddy daughter relationship. Thats the vibe i get from him. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I dont knooow lol I can hear the whine in your voice and - you know what? - it isn't funny. You can come here and vent all you want (like another poster here who uses this site to just complain and never make viable changes in her life, despite page-after-page of suggestions), but ultimately YOU are the one who is living your life and allowing yourself to be miserable by the situation. I'm checking out of this thread and wish you the best. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
dreamingoftigers Posted February 10, 2016 Share Posted February 10, 2016 I can hear the whine in your voice and - you know what? - it isn't funny. You can come here and vent all you want (like another poster here who uses this site to just complain and never make viable changes in her life, despite page-after-page of suggestions), but ultimately YOU are the one who is living your life and allowing yourself to be miserable by the situation. I'm checking out of this thread and wish you the best. Ha ha, I know exactly who you are talking about. Man those threads she does are such a waste of time. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted February 11, 2016 Share Posted February 11, 2016 He won't change. This is who he is. Look up "enmeshed relationships". This is what they have. In my early 20s, I had a boyfriend with an enmeshed relationship with his mother. It never changed and barely improved slightly. Once I met her and spent time with them together, I found their relationship very unsettling. She was affectionate with him and especially his oldest brother like they were her surrogate husbands. She eventually made it clear she resented us for not inviting her along on our romantic weekend trips This is a messed-up relationship and he's so enmeshed with her that to him, you'll always be the intruder coming between daughter and daddy. Any woman will. His daughter sounds uncomfortable with the way he's parenting, as my boyfriend was with his mom. These parents are acting out their own dysfunction. The kids are being used as game pieces. You can't fix this. Accept it as it is, or leave. (I couldn't stomach it myself.) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 We are not together anymore. He did admit he wanted me to be friends with his,daughter. For some,reason he wanted us to go shopping together. I did ask her once at his behest and she said no. Frankly, i dont think she likes me that much. Surely, she wont miss me to put it nicely. Its almost like he needs her approval to date someone. Not long ago she and her bf went out for a nice dinner. I almost wanted to ask if i could go. Surely this,woman must know how annoying it is to have a tag a long and youre trying to have romantic time with her bf. Also, ex has this delusion that theyd be fine with me coming along. I feel like he was wielding her. I feel like he was setting me up to fail. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
QueenElsa Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 We are not together anymore. He did admit he wanted me to be friends with his,daughter. For some,reason he wanted us to go shopping together. I did ask her once at his behest and she said no. Frankly, i dont think she likes me that much. Surely, she wont miss me to put it nicely. Its almost like he needs her approval to date someone. Not long ago she and her bf went out for a nice dinner. I almost wanted to ask if i could go. Surely this,woman must know how annoying it is to have a tag a long and youre trying to have romantic time with her bf. Also, ex has this delusion that theyd be fine with me coming along. I feel like he was wielding her. I feel like he was setting me up to fail. I'm glad you aren't together anymore. That was a really long, weird haul. Good for you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I know any break-up hurts, HotPotato, but I am still proud of you for ending it... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 We had an argument about something else, but his daughter did come up, again. I felt like no matter how perfect i couldve been in one area, the daughter issue was always gonna be there. Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 She wasn't going to go away....was always going to be an issue....sounds like he more than likely ended it....you will indeed find a more mature and independent man that will be able to provide you with a more gratifying life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author hotpotato Posted March 4, 2016 Author Share Posted March 4, 2016 Yes, he ended it. As patient as i was with the daughter thing, he wasnt nearly as patient with me with the phone. One day i got sick, didnt answer the phone fast enough, and he got mad. The phone was a recurring issue. I told him day 1 i was introverted and not very talkative. No matter, if i had been perfect with the phone, the bringing the grown daughter on dates would still have been there. He says he needs to spend time with her before she gets married. If shes 40 and unwed, is he still gonna bring her on dates? He talks like shes 7. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
kgcolonel Posted March 4, 2016 Share Posted March 4, 2016 I see this as his loss not yours. You'll find a better match. Best of luck to you!! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted March 5, 2016 Share Posted March 5, 2016 Thank heavens it's finally over. I don't know how you stuck with it for so long ..... I found the whole thing crazy and unhealthy. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Kimba1366 Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 (edited) I had this problem with my exgirl and her daughter. I didn't mind her some of the times, but a nice dinner out alone or time alone at her place never seemed to happen... Edited April 29, 2016 by Kimba1366 1 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted April 29, 2016 Share Posted April 29, 2016 I've not seen this with a father, but seen plenty of times where mothers try to hang on to their grown daughters and guilt them into going along with it because they want to be their best friend instead of their parent. It's not healthy all the way around. Being "best friends" with your child, as child psychologists have said over and over again, is depriving them of a parent and doesn't prepare them to be a parent either. I think that's what he's done. It probably makes him feel young to be around young people, and that's a bad reflection on him maturity-wise and not healthy. To me, this guy sounds not too great. If you had a girl together, when he's 80 and she's 16, is he going to be trying to hang out with her and her friends? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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