Hello,

[olivebranch]

I'm a new member on this website.

 

So far I'm very grateful for this section… it's led me to be able to process and think about a lot of things that were right there bubbling under the surface.

 

All these things, that added up to me having an A with a MM.

 

I am honestly ashamed- I never saw myself *ever,* EVER EVER EVER (!!!) having any kind of involvement with a MM.

 

So much of the honest and open discussion here is helping me see much more into myself and how I allowed this to happen than any other catalyst on my 30 year trek of self discovery thus far… though I think it is fairly obvious that there were quite a number of dominos stacked up that fell one after the other that led to this horrendous situation (an A) and the revelations that follow.

 

The things about mistakes are that they can open our eyes and that's what I'm here for… I'm really excited to heal all things possible with the help of God and others who attempt as much rigorous self-honesty as they are willing to indulge in.

 

Thank you,

 

I have learned so much… already- and it's only been a few days that I've been reading here. I'm grateful. Very.

 

I bought into the common MM lines and lies,…

 

Now it's my job to see why.

 

 

God bless you, and hello (as well as a huge " Thank you ! ") to those of you who have shared your stories so that we can all have hope of reconciliation with life.

Edited October 27, 2015 by olivebranch

[cocorico]

I bought into the common MM lines and lies,…

 

Now it's my job to see why.

 

Some MM lie. Others don't. Sometimes knowing which it is can be difficult, but actions speak louder than words, and a MM's behaviour will normally show his real intentions.

 

If you feel your R was a mistake, then it's great that you've been able to walk away from that. Understanding what left you vulnerable to a R that you state goes against your values is a good starting point, and can help you to avoid such pitfalls in future.

 

Good luck.

[olivebranch]

it's all terribly confusing and absolutely painful. i'm frustrated and just at the beginning of trying to make heads or tails of the whole situation.

 

pretty sad.

[olivebranch]

it's all terribly confusing and absolutely painful. i'm frustrated and just at the beginning of trying to make heads or tails of the whole situation.

 

pretty sad- except for any kind of lessons or truths uncovered as a result of going through it. those i am sure i needed, but there is a lot that i need resolution with.

[olivebranch]

and i still miss him.

 

 

i don't know how many days of no contact it's been. this whole thing is so super confusing. what isn't confusing is that it is totally illogical to be together- right, try telling that to my heart, even when it's been hurt.

 

 

why?… what is love

 

 

what is this post about? answer: sadness and confusion, and heartache for someone who i believe i did fall in love with, as ridiculous as it is and sounds.

[ladydesigner]

Some MM lie. Others don't. Sometimes knowing which it is can be difficult, but actions speak louder than words, and a MM's behaviour will normally show his real intentions.

 

If you feel your R was a mistake, then it's great that you've been able to walk away from that. Understanding what left you vulnerable to a R that you state goes against your values is a good starting point, and can help you to avoid such pitfalls in future.

 

Good luck.

 

I think this is so true, it depends on the situation.

 

(((olivebranch))) I'm sorry you are here and feeling this way.

 

Actions always actions over words.

[olivebranch]

I think this is so true, it depends on the situation.

 

(((olivebranch))) I'm sorry you are here and feeling this way.

 

Actions always actions over words.

 

Thank you, I'm sorry if I posted improperly- just a bit flustered. Action is correct I believe... What is done, not what is said. Still, very raw. Unsure and grateful for your support and wise counsel... Both of you.

Edited October 28, 2015 by olivebranch

[Artie Lang]

Some MM lie. Others don't.

 

ummm... aren't they lying to their spouses, though. how is that not lying?

 

the relationship starts off on deception- someone is being lied to.

[olivebranch]

ummm... aren't they lying to their spouses, though. how is that not lying?

 

the relationship starts off on deception- someone is being lied to.

 

 

Thank you. Exactly.

[carhill]

Not all affairs are cheating. I think the prior poster was alluding to open and obvious infidelity where everyone is disclosed. That wasn't the case here, apparently.

 

OP, how far are you into the grieving period? How long in NC so far? IME, it's a process. The early stages are the most difficult, I found. It gets better.

[olivebranch]

we started communicating about his problems with his spouse over the internet sometime in the beginning of August 2015, i believe.

 

he had led me to believe, and i think in all honesty believed it himself… that she had filed for divorce. however, they were still living together with their two young children.

 

 

she had seemed to express interest in another man during the time we had actually spent together… which was over the course of late August all the way through this month until i established NC on the 23rd or 24th. i believe it may have been the 24th.

 

 

she knew about me and we even ran into each other at their home, twice ! it was not done on purpose and i was only over there several times- very briefly. one time it was because of a personal crisis/emergency and i asked that he disclose why i was there. i ended up sleeping on the couch and was there when she came in the door early that morning. she seemed totally fine with it, because there i was sleeping when she arrived- completely to myself, downstairs.

 

 

she had even hinted and expressed that i was welcome over there. i really felt i shouldn't be there, but there had been two or three occasions where for some reason i was there. one had been related to the fact that i had just moved to a nearby town (not really on purpose, but just because i needed to find a place and there really aren't many options in our area- at all) and the motel i chose ended up seeming to me to be very unpleasant and kind of dangerous to be at alone. so i was over there waiting and was going to leave before she came home, but she had injured herself playing a sport earlier that day and was at the hospital briefly so that prevented MM from being available because he had to be there for the kids so that someone was with them while she was gone very late.

 

(sorry for so much writing, and thank you for the opportunity to process.)

 

so of course, it gets detailed because these things are confusing…

 

 

bottom line is her behavior was also confusing-

 

she has been drinking, too. and wasn't cleaning… i mean, dishes were stacked up so that he just left them there to see if she would ever do anything.

 

i saw the bathroom, those three times at least. her stuff was all over the place, the floor was sticky- it was less than ideal, especially for kids to be living in and seeing.

 

do i judge her for it ? i absolutely don't want to… she has her own story. but the drinking and lack of motivation to keep things up, if not for herself or her husband or their relationship but the kids alone, was sort of shocking to me.

 

 

so she knew about me, and i spent a little time here and there with the kids. more with the younger one. they both really adored me. they would ask if they were going to get to see me again. we laughed and had some really nice 'innocent' times together… i would consider it totally wonderful that time we spent, if not for the confusion of the relationships between MM and his W.

 

 

sheez, i kinda just wanna pour out my heart and let it all spill out onto the page…

 

 

maybe this post of mine would be the place to do that, eventually.

 

 

i'm sorry to get complicated and detailed, but it really is the whole picture that matters.

 

 

she knew, but it's as if he acted like she didn't know we had the intimate part of the relationship together… which to me is such denial on his part.

 

 

what really threw the whole thing is that we hadn't been seeing each other for very long and then very recently… i think maybe on the 21st or 22nd he told me he found the divorce papers sitting in her bureau while he was getting clothes for the kids, and they had not been filed.

 

 

i don't know a whole lot about the divorce process… it really seemed though that that changed things or that that was some kind of cover for the fact that they probably did have a huge, long discussion that night.

 

 

i guess she had told him that it had been ' too difficult, ' etc. and had a lot to say…

 

he said the next day that it had been ' heartbreaking.'

 

 

i look at our early contact through e mail and in it he expresses his own heartache over what has felt like the dissolution of the relationship. but then, why was he seeking 'a female perspective…?'

 

in my mind it is because he truly was confused, but didn't want to deal with a real approach to solving things in some way- he was lonely and wanted something.

 

she knew about me, she told him he should 'move on with his life' and even see other people. he said that she had been quite convincing in expressing that she could never love him again.

 

they have been married for 9 years and have a 4 and an 8 year old.

 

of course there is more i could share… but it hasn't been that long of NC, no.

i can see his number on the phone bill- trying to text, but i don't get them because i've blocked and deleted his mobile off my phone.

 

 

she knew and her own daughter even convinced her that i was a good person, that things were okay and that it was fine for me to be around (when she had had a moment of reaction to the fact that her husband *was* actually seeing someone. after that she stated that she was okay with it. i'm sure she really wasn't okay with it- i think they are really mixed up, those two. i don't think they even really know what they want or don't want… and the whole theory of a divorce happening in practice/real life is not an easy pill to swallow. )

 

 

so as "DONE" as she has tried to show and express, and as "DONE!" as he has been too, i really don't know. it is really messy and i mean messy in that he seemed to have developed some kind of feelings and attachment to me, enough that we were pretty enraptured and enchanted by each other and sort of 'in love' seeming. quite in love seeming.

 

 

totally confused,

olivebranch

 

 

(darn, sorry for the length.)

[olivebranch]

…may i also add that, "in love" was by all honest appearances, quite a shock to us both.

 

 

i had been celibate for 2yrs, 4mo and planned on saving intimacy for "the one," who i felt was right and for even after the marriage to hoped for "one."

 

 

i thought i'd been pretty careful, and then there we were, swept up in each other and i really believed it could be him.

 

 

i didn't expect to have any of this happen, needless to say.

[carhill]

Part of the process is getting it all out and working it. That's where forums like this can help. Back when I dealt with all this stuff the internet wasn't around and processing was a pretty lonely thing. In retrospect, a period of professional help would have done wonders. However, with other avenues open these days, I'd save that for severe cases of getting 'stuck' in the process of moving on.

 

One tool I found to help was comparing the end of an affair to the end of an otherwise arm's-length romantic relationship. How things went with the latter and reflecting on why they couldn't go similarly when ending an affair. I hit upon 'unfinished business' as one sticking point, for myself anyway. Getting past that sticking point was the most difficult part of the process. When I read the forensic analysis in your last post, I'm reminded of that sticking point. Did a lot of that.

 

IMO, I'd give NC six months to a year and see how things go. It might be less since this appears to be a more short-term affair. However, length of an affair isn't necessarily correlated to length of grief process. If you find yourself getting stuck, help is available. Think of it as a toolbox with some tools for healthy moving on.

[olivebranch]

well, it looks like there is even more to this particular scenario than i had originally thought.

 

it seems he is an alcoholic/addict.

 

 

 

i'm in recovery and have been sober coming on 1 1/2yrs.- i am over 2yrs. clean from marijuana.

 

 

i'm not about to let my sobriety go… and i'm learning more as i see others struggling with the disease(s) of alcoholism/addiction.

 

 

it's sad, and it's painful. i have been doing my best in my own life though to correct my past and cannot afford to jeopardize the second chance God has given me through His grace and mercy…

 

i will be reading the al-anon. literature and maintaining no contact, as i pray for he and others who struggle with their active addictions.

 

aside from the other complexities of the situation, this really just pushes it over the edge to a place where i am very clear i do not want to be. i can't enable dependency and co-dependency in my life like this. i choose life.

 

thank you for your help and the time here, this makes much more sense to me now.

[Eagle's-bargain]

i'm in recovery and have been sober coming on 1 1/2yrs.- i am over 2yrs. clean from marijuana.

 

i'm not about to let my sobriety go… and i'm learning more as i see others struggling with the disease(s) of alcoholism/addiction.

 

Keep up the good work.

I also drink, often heavily, and usually while reading (and posting on) LoveShack.

 

Avoid the booze.

If you absolutely need something to do, join a club that meets up on Sundays or Saturdays. Above all else, keep with NC - I advise this in general, though there are exceptions - and avoid gambling*.

 

*Trust me. Though I've haven't lost money from gambling, let's just say I know a lot who have.