norudder Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 How did you accept it or become ok with it if you had wanted more? Exmm offered friendship. I asked if I came over what he would tell his w, he said that he and I are friends. Friendship feels like a huge blow to the ego. Some exes become friends when they're over it but even if there's no more sex, we did it and it was a betrayal, even if the feelings died and after time were now platonic, there were proclamations at one time, without her knowing. So wouldn't any communication even a once a year holiday greeting still be acting complicity to a lie? We aren't normal exes who stayed in touch after breaking up and moving on to new people. We started and ended a R in secret. Or am I being too extreme/rigid in the greater sense? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 So wouldn't any communication even a once a year holiday greeting still be acting complicity to a lie? We aren't normal exes who stayed in touch after breaking up and moving on to new people. We started and ended a R in secret. Or am I being too extreme/rigid in the greater sense? i think you're right. from where i'm standing, she still doesn't know your history with him & i'm sure she wouldn't be okay with continuing the contact. so even if the affair is over & you're truly just friends... it's founded on betrayal. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
MsHopeful0208201689 Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 In my opinion, rarely do "friendships" work with someone you had an affair with even if it was just an emotional affair... It's best to just let it go fully.. 9 times out of 10 you'll probably find yourself in the same boat. No need to be friends with a married man especially if you have not met the wife OR if you've had an affair with this person.. Emotional or physical. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Grapesofwrath Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I agree with you, norudder. This is still a secret relationship, hidden from the BS. Every Xmas card or "innocuous" email is another small betrayal. Unless he has confessed everything to her and the BS is fully on board with the betrayal, then it's still done in the spirit of maintaining the secret side relationship. In my case, I ended it and he wanted us to "stay friends" because he didn't want to go NC. He continues to challenge that boundary and tries all the time to open lines of communication to be my "friend." But his idea of friendship is my idea of EA, so I wasn't on board with that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 (edited) Why don't they get that friend=ea? "Its not cheating to me". The key word is to THEM. Just like oral sex doesn't count to some. Unless the spouse knows all its a betrayal. I wish I could've made him understand. I've gotten better about recognizing boundaries and realized how much men don't seem to like it. Exh. Exmm. Some previous male acquaintances. All fall away. Wondered if I was being a B*** or prude. Thanks for the reality check that I'm doing the right thing even though its hard and he doesn't see it that way. Edited October 27, 2015 by norudder 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 My feelings haven't completely dissolved. I hate thinking sometimes that another woman might get to enjoy his company even if less intimately. Shell be a friend and not cross lines. Then when he's divorced he'll be in a better position to start anew with a true 'just friend' no painful baggage. I know its crazy. I'm glad ls is here for that. I just hate that doing the right thing means letting go 100%. Its not letting go of him so much as the hope. The potential. That he'll change when I'm not there. I get that would mean it just wasn't meant to be etc etc. Just venting a bit. Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 It doesn't work .. the same feeling will resurface, and you will be left in the same position again. Best to keep them out. MM, want to remain in the safety of the marriage, and use you to prop them up emotionally - so they can remain in the bad marriage. You WILL be hurt again, it's a matter of time. Best of luck to you! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 It doesn't work .. the same feeling will resurface, and you will be left in the same position again. Best to keep them out. MM, want to remain in the safety of the marriage, and use you to prop them up emotionally - so they can remain in the bad marriage. You WILL be hurt again, it's a matter of time. Best of luck to you! Amazing how you end up feeling like the bad guy when your no longer given love or the same care or attention and they pull away the special bond and emotion and put you in this generic pool of friendship and your just supposed to put on a smile and accept it like they're still gods gift gracing you with the friendship. Its degrading and hurtful and a disenchanting experience you should burn the bridge to. Cause if we're honest...were in it for fulfillment, ego strokes, excitement and added spice and added happiness. If your no longer getting that...its like leaving the amusement park when you had the best time. You dont sit in the parking lot after you leave and wish you could go back in...you consider the nice experience, the fun moments, but then you go home and back to life. Ride is over...time to go back to YOUR life and put him in your past and dont look back nor leave the door open. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 ^^^in other words...we know what HE gets out of it by remaining friends...its guiltfree kinda like "see, I wasn't so bad, I broke her heart but was able tp be forgiven and she EVEN wants to remain friends and Im untarnished, back to my life, both women happy, life is good" Buutttt...what do YOU get out of it. All the love, time, sex...only for the constellation prize of getting to be buddies?!? Thanks but nooo thanks. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Popsicle Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I wanted NC but xMM desperately wanted to be "friends" who were, and I quote "maybe sometimes mischievous" (wtf?). I refused. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
privategal Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I wanted NC but xMM desperately wanted to be "friends" who were, and I quote "maybe sometimes mischievous" (wtf?). I refused. I believe in almost every instance sadly the friendship is a way to keep the door open on their behalf to future mischeif. What a prize...we get to be on stand by in case they 'need it' otherwise...know your role. 7 Link to post Share on other sites
Shanex Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 The few experience Ive had with the married women mostly ended up with them staying in their marriage and basically disappearing/went no contact. It was expected but aside from getting laid if you desperatly need it, these are not the best. Even Fwb are better than that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
olivebranch Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 i'm just going to be completely frank and perhaps insensitive… "low contact" is a joke to me. we tried getting around different levels of contact/low contact and it always eventually ended up in intimacy after that part of the R had been established. we couldn't seem to stay away from each other, i even tried moving to the other end of the state. i had to move right back for personal reasons… and i also wonder if i thought at that time that he would like it better if i wasn't that far- because, of course i wanted to be with him… i wanted to know he wanted me and hope that he loved me and thought that it was 'healthier' for us to be closer even while we "worked things out separately" in different parts of the county. HA ! ridiculous. i barely dipped into the reading that would be required for a polite and thoughtful response, but never… no. no amount of contact with a mm is acceptable in my opinion. 0. and that isn't a rule i'm making for anyone else but myself. nope. not worth it… no matter what they tell themselves or you- or what you tell yourself about it. wrong (in my opinion- and worse than can be anticipated.) not a good idea. the beginning may seem delightful and kismet- you may just feel you "need" to be around this person in some way or another because there is a spiritual connection that is pure and real- that is just baloney. maybe there are the very rare cases where a couple has been separated legally and physically for a year or more… and the divorce is only taking more time because of extraneous circumstances- real, tangible disagreements on property and things like custody. i have actually heard of a divorce dragging on for six years ! then… maybe, but even then. no. what a waste of time and effort and energy (in my opinion.) i know i am just rambling on for my own therapeutic needs, probably. this stuff is painful, though. there is too much on the line and it hardly goes right and men (especially) seem to be *such* good actors and can be utterly charming and behave in ways where they put themselves (while you are thinking it is just reality, destiny, the real person being themselves in a tough situation) in the most desirable light. No. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Artie Lang Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I asked if I came over what he would tell his w, he said that he and I are friends. Friendship feels like a huge blow to the ego. so what would you have preferred- side-dish, FWB, OW? because you were basically all of these. granted you were definitely more than friends... i give you that. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Either men or women here, who are involved with committed partners, to someone else. They LIE, they are lying to themselves, they don't want to go through the difficult process of a divorce, so they use people. Get off the train, because those kinds of people have severe character issues. Is that someone, you want to be with? Looking over your shoulder, while they do the same thing to you? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 so what would you have preferred- side-dish, FWB, OW? because you were basically all of these. granted you were definitely more than friends... i give you that. Valid point. I wanted an upgrade. Or for him to come clean. Whether to be w me or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author norudder Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 In my opinion, rarely do "friendships" work with someone you had an affair with even if it was just an emotional affair... It's best to just let it go fully.. 9 times out of 10 you'll probably find yourself in the same boat. No need to be friends with a married man especially if you have not met the wife OR if you've had an affair with this person.. Emotional or physical. That's all there is to it. A friend wouldn't want you in a painful situation. Guess I should be glad he hasn't tried to actively pursue a 'friendship'. I think it was the copout to not feel like a bad guy. No need for a friendship with a married man in my life. Link to post Share on other sites
Patrice Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 That's the bottom line ... if someone truly LOVES you, they would not want any harm to come to you. They would not manipulate you, to serve their own purposes. They would let you go with grace, work on their own issues - and pray you are still around when they figure it out. But, then again - these people have character flaws, and your time is better spent getting your own life to a happy place, and when they try to reenter, tell them to bug off. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts