nabelp Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Tomorrow will mark two years since I found out about my wife's affair. Even though her affair happened 13 years before I found out, it hit me like a ton of bricks. My short story: I found out, went through crap, I decided to reconcile, I went through more crap, saw a therapist (who was terrible) and then had my five stages of grief. It was a very tough first year but I got through that year. After that, each day got better. Then better, then better. So here I am, two years later and I feel 100% better. The "movies" in my head are now deceased. The bad thoughts are gone. The "revenge" thinking is gone. I go through my day and rarely think about her affair instead of it consuming my every move and thought. I am still married to her. We worked on our marriage relentlessly. She changed and I changed. Together, both our changes made us much better people. So, why am I writing all this? I guess if you are reading this and on this website, then infidelity happened to you also. You may just have found out or you have known for years. I want people to know that there is a light at the end of a very dark and gloomy tunnel. That things will improve no matter what your decision is on your marriage. There are no manuals on how to handle infidelity. Everyone is different. Everyone reacts in their own way. Don't listen all of the advice on this website. People will say things that will even upset you. Do whats right for you. You will get through it and become a better person because of it. Please don't give up! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
boltam Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I guess if you are reading this and on this website, then infidelity happened to you also. Nope, not me. Divorce, yes. Infidelity of the sexual nature, no. I want people to know that there is a light at the end of a very dark and gloomy tunnel. That things will improve no matter what your decision is on your marriage. Not true either. You read enough threads on here you realize that those who attempt to reconcile with a cheat are usually setting themselves up for years of misery- triggering, distrust, and more infidelity. Sure "some" couples can fix most of what's broken after an affair, but not most. Do whats right for you. That's the problem. People usually don't know what's right for them, especially when they've been deceived and disrespected by the one person they've trusted more than anyone else they've ever known. Their life is in shambles, their emotions are all over the place and they don't have a clue what the "right" move is. Well, some do. Some just say "you cheated? It's over." They serve the papers and they get on with it. Many of the ones who cannot- for whatever reason- muster the strength and courage to leave their cheating partners end up posting on forums like this one. Their odds for success are not good, regardless of what advice is received and followed. You will get through it and become a better person because of it. Most get through it, some go to pieces, some do not make it at all- hence the high suicide rate during divorces. Not everyone naturally becomes a "better person" for having gone through such a nightmare, and many are worse off. Glad things worked out for you. It's best not to generalize and blow sunshine when there's often times no justification for it. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Do whats right for you. best advice ever. I've been admonished because I don't do it like others... and it usually takes way longer than we anticipate. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
katielee Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 how did you get that "closure' you were looking for? Did she come clean? Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 how did you get that "closure' you were looking for? Did she come clean? I was going to ask the same question , you beat me:cool: . I wonder if there was any closure at all or did he just let time ease it on him Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 took me nearly 10 hard years and I can say now that I am less unhappy then I have ever been since dDay. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Clay Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Noway I would have stayed. That sadly is just to long of a time to lie about something that important. I am glad your healing and you are the only one to decide what you want in life I just hope you did it with all the facts. If you have kids with her I hope you had them DNA tested. Good luck C Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I can say now that I am less unhappy then I have ever been since dDay. Interesting phrasing. I doubt that less unhappy means more happy... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
boltam Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I doubt that less unhappy means more happy... But it has to! Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Interesting phrasing. I doubt that less unhappy means more happy... Mr. Lucky You are correct. It means less unhappy. Thats actually a good thing for me, and a relief. I think I can see some happiness maybe even feel bits of it. I will take it. 10 years of healing and growth to get here. Not giving up. Link to post Share on other sites
boltam Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 I have prepared a simple chart to show how being less unhappy means you're more happy. unhappy ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ happy ..................................↑.................................... Note as the arrow is moved to the right, opposite from unhappy, it moves towards happy. You're welcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author nabelp Posted October 27, 2015 Author Share Posted October 27, 2015 Katielee, Closure is a powerful thing. I am not sure exactly when I got closure but about 10 months ago, I forgave her. I suppose that is when closure started for me. I also knew that I had 90% of the facts about her affair. The other 10% I probably will never get because either she forgot (her affair is now 15 years ago) or she just is not willing to tell me and that is okay with me. It also took a while but I finally saw true remorse in her. I believe that for the 13 years I didnt know, she forgave herself which made it easier for her but harder for me when I did find out. I saw her change for the better. I saw her do things that for our 25 years of marriage she never did. I.E...laundry (I know right...I always did the laundry). She started to do yard work also. I thought it was a phase and she would stop doing things but to this day, she still helps. I also realized that I needed to change also...and I did. I became more calm about things out of my control. I became more gentle. I started listening to her instead of ignoring her. In a nutshell...forgiveness started the closure. I didnt want to be a bitter man for the rest of my life. I didnt want to be that old man in the neighborhood that steals the balls that land in his yard from the neighbor kids. Of course, there are now going to be people on this website that will pick apart everything I just said and tell me how wrong I am. Thats ok though. Like I said...everyone is different. Everyone gets through infidelity in their own way. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 27, 2015 Share Posted October 27, 2015 Katielee, Closure is a powerful thing. I am not sure exactly when I got closure but about 10 months ago, I forgave her. I suppose that is when closure started for me. I also knew that I had 90% of the facts about her affair. The other 10% I probably will never get because either she forgot (her affair is now 15 years ago) or she just is not willing to tell me and that is okay with me. It also took a while but I finally saw true remorse in her. I believe that for the 13 years I didnt know, she forgave herself which made it easier for her but harder for me when I did find out. I saw her change for the better. I saw her do things that for our 25 years of marriage she never did. I.E...laundry (I know right...I always did the laundry). She started to do yard work also. I thought it was a phase and she would stop doing things but to this day, she still helps. I also realized that I needed to change also...and I did. I became more calm about things out of my control. I became more gentle. I started listening to her instead of ignoring her. In a nutshell...forgiveness started the closure. I didnt want to be a bitter man for the rest of my life. I didnt want to be that old man in the neighborhood that steals the balls that land in his yard from the neighbor kids. Of course, there are now going to be people on this website that will pick apart everything I just said and tell me how wrong I am. Thats ok though. Like I said...everyone is different. Everyone gets through infidelity in their own way. I guess " closure" is when deep inside you you reach a point of peace in regard of all that had happened. it doesn't have to in any specific way. you reached that closure and for that I congratulate you and wish you both happiness. i wish every infidelity story has an ending like yours Link to post Share on other sites
Mr Mind of Shazam Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Congratulations, I'm glad it worked out for you. Personally, I've never known a woman that was worth the effort and energy reconciliation requires. That's why I'd never even attempt it and just cut my losses and start fresh with a new relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I have prepared a simple chart to show how being less unhappy means you're more happy. unhappy ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ happy ..................................↑.................................... Note as the arrow is moved to the right, opposite from unhappy, it moves towards happy. Actually as the arrow moves to the right, it moves away from unhappy. Hence, less unhappy... Mr. Lucky 2 Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 If not exactly peace of mind, at least when you get up and tell that huge elephant in the living room it's time to leave. He is no longer welcome. "Close the door behind you if you would be so kind". I guess " closure" is when deep inside you you reach a point of peace in regard of all that had happened. it doesn't have to in any specific way. you reached that closure and for that I congratulate you and wish you both happiness. i wish every infidelity story has an ending like yours 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I have prepared a simple chart to show how being less unhappy means you're more happy. unhappy ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ happy ..................................↑.................................... Note as the arrow is moved to the right, opposite from unhappy, it moves towards happy. You're welcome. Can you add "MEH" (indifference) middle? That I think is were unhappiness ends and happiness begins. A phase state change like ice to water. Link to post Share on other sites
wmacbride Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 My h had an A 6 years ago. It took a lot of hard work, but we R and have moved on. We did what was right for us, just as every couple needs to. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Morro72 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Happiness and unhappiness are different kinds of stuff and not endpoints on a linear scale. You can have lots of each of them at the same time. You can have none of either of them at the same time. What is true is that some types of unhappiness are inordinately effective at distracting you from whatever happiness you do have. What's the solution? Take a lesson from the cheaters and learn to compartmentalize. Link to post Share on other sites
fellini Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 (edited) Not true either. You read enough threads on here you realize that those who attempt to reconcile with a cheat are usually setting themselves up for years of misery- triggering, distrust, and more infidelity. Sure "some" couples can fix most of what's broken after an affair, but not most. But the OP was clear about talking about HER situation 2 years down, and second, she even said "That things will improve no matter what your decision is on your marriage." So why are you deliberately reading that she says there are only positives if you stay? Again, you base everything on what you have read (and naturally, chosen to ignore by calling us "some" couples... like you could count them on one hand.... That's the problem. People usually don't know what's right for them, especially when they've been deceived and disrespected by the one person they've trusted more than anyone else they've ever known. Their life is in shambles, their emotions are all over the place and they don't have a clue what the "right" move is. Well, some do. Some just say "you cheated? It's over." They serve the papers and they get on with it. Many of the ones who cannot- for whatever reason- muster the strength and courage to leave their cheating partners end up posting on forums like this one. Their odds for success are not good, regardless of what advice is received and followed. It is pretty unfair for someone who has claimed NOT to have lived through an infidelity to not only claim to know what we feel, but to also know what is "right" or "wrong for "us" and to even go so far as to claim that we don't have a clue ourselves. You completely ignore the 100s of stories and advice given to BS's that before they make "rash" decisions, to let the emotions settle down, and then look closely at what they have. For you, someone who has never experienced infidelity, knows for certain, without the slightest doubt, that people who stay do so because they are blind and cannot muster the strength and courage to leave. That's it? Perhaps you could muster up the strength and courage to say "I haven't experienced anything close to what you have so I really am not in any position to judge you for what you chose to do with your life post DDAY. Glad things worked out for you. It's best not to generalize and blow sunshine when there's often times no justification for it. Speaking of generalization... what on earth do you think your entire reply is? You have GENERALIZED the ENTIRE community of reconciling BS's into a group of pathetic weak lost codependent losers. AND YOU HAVEN'T even BEEN THERE TO KNOW FOR SURE that you know of what you speak! Edited October 29, 2015 by fellini Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 Don't listen all of the advice on this website. Like this ^^^ advice? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 I have prepared a simple chart to show how being less unhappy means you're more happy. unhappy ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ ║ happy ..................................↑.................................... Note as the arrow is moved to the right, opposite from unhappy, it moves towards happy. You're welcome. omg this made me lmfao. I think this is the perfect chart to Illustrate feelings post infidelity. I'm 3 years out and definitely less unhappy, but nowhere near the happiness I felt pre-Dday. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HadEverything Posted October 30, 2015 Share Posted October 30, 2015 Was there a time when you thought you would not continue together? If so what eventually changed to make you want to try again with her? I am glad to hear you have been able to work through your issue and are getting better together. Link to post Share on other sites
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