had a beautiful relationship, everything clicked, i got dumped,

[keep]

REALLY NEED ADVICE

my girl and me broke up, she dumped me.

we met in my country. got to talking and we clicked. endless hrs of conversations. (in a group of friends circle). she was in a relationship then abeit a rocky one so nothing happened between us. just talking as frens.

she returned to london. a day later her bf dumped her. we kept on talking, texting moved to calling to video calls. hours and hours in a day. i did not believe there would be so much topics to be talked about with one person. soon the click that we felt between us matured to love. we shared our dreams and hope, fears. there was lots of laughter. a month and half later she came to visit me. we lived togather for two months. everything was beautiful, more laughs and great chemistry. at this point i have to mention there was one instance she was unhappy, she said she was feeling lonely. i put it to being far away from home. we made future plans. marriage, jobs, how to settle down etc.

she returned to london due to her starting uni, masters. a month later she dumped me. she gave me various reasons. she still feels 'what if' for her ex. doesnt like my parents. doesnt see a future with us. we are too completely diff person, iam idealistic she is practical. feels guilty and that i was just an escape for her. has to support me. doesnt feel an emotional connection with me. but we were so happy togather. you dont spend countless hrs skyping if you don't feel an emotional bond, right?

 

so she broke up. told me i can call her anytime. if i text her she replies. if i call her, she either answers or returns my call. this is after i told her to cut a guy off completely dont answer his text or phone.

 

i am confused. i want to win her back. i really do think we have a future togather. or was i just a rebound? you don't connect so deeply if its a rebound, though she says otherwise. do i have a chance. ppl say no contact others advocate contact to win her back. i have written her a letter, how much she means to me, why the reasons for break up can be worked out. sorry and thank you and wishing her well. the letter should reach her in three weeks. her birthday is in a month. at the moment i am not contacting her (4 days). because it hurts, when i hang up after talking. please advice me. i am really confused. she seems to remember only the negative memories not the happy ones.

 

p.s - we even video talked after the break up. i asked to skype and she did.

ANY advice to win her back would be welcome or do you think i dont have a chance. how long space should i give her before i initiate contact. im using this time to learn spanish and hitting the gym. but i dont want to give up on this relationship before i have done everything i can to win her back

[itisdanielle]

ANY advice to win her back would be welcome or do you think i dont have a chance. how long space should i give her before i initiate contact.

 

I don't mean to be harsh, and I know it's not what you want to hear, but there's nothing you can do to win someone back that doesn't want to be with you.

 

You need to stop contacting her, delete her number and delete her from all social media. There isn't a certain length of time you should give her space for. You just need to stop contacting her for good. If she regrets her decision and wants to get back together then she needs to be the one to contact you. But don't hold on to hope that she will because you need to put yourself first and move on.

 

she still feels 'what if' for her ex. doesnt like my parents. doesnt see a future with us. we are too completely diff person, iam idealistic she is practical.

 

They're pretty big reasons. Her not liking your parents could be a problem if you did stay together. Do you want to be with someone who isn't over their ex?

[keep]

thank you for your reply.

what you said made sense, at the moment iam working on myself, trying to heal and doing things to keep busy.

 

what i wanted to ask was what about her replying my text, her calling me even if i left a miss call. skyping even after the break up. she could have easily said no.

as for her reasons for leaving me, it changed everyday we talked. one moment it wasnt a problem next it was. some of them were even contradictory.

 

i know you said don't contact not till she contacts me and i am on my recovery

phase, giving myself time and her. but i would like to win her back or try. nothing worth having comes easy. the afore mentioned (replies n calling back) does that mean she still holds feelings for me.

[Royals550]

As far as the reason she's accepting and replying to your contact avenues is easy... It's the best case scenario for her. She still has you there to ease her guilt over the breakup, personal validation, and of course as a plan B. All very bad options for somebody in your particular case. Remove yourself from her list of orbiters if you ever want another chance. From what you explained above it sounds like you should go no contact for yourself, gotta heal.

[keep]

As far as the reason she's accepting and replying to your contact avenues is easy... It's the best case scenario for her. She still has you there to ease her guilt over the breakup, personal validation, and of course as a plan B. All very bad options for somebody in your particular case. Remove yourself from her list of orbiters if you ever want another chance. From what you explained above it sounds like you should go no contact for yourself, gotta heal.

thank you for your message. its tough but iam taking this moment to improve myself. and heal. but i want to win her back. i know iam in the world of hurt if it doesnt work out but iam willing to take the risk.

im thinking of approaching around the 3rd week mark. taking it slow and easy. no talking about getting back. just showing her what fun it was to be with me. she seems to only remember the negative things.

[greenleaves54]

thank you for your message. its tough but iam taking this moment to improve myself. and heal. but i want to win her back. i know iam in the world of hurt if it doesnt work out but iam willing to take the risk.

im thinking of approaching around the 3rd week mark. taking it slow and easy. no talking about getting back. just showing her what fun it was to be with me. she seems to only remember the negative things.

 

You will only push her further away mate.

 

The absolute BEST method to get her back is actually risk-free - ignore her. Show the world that you're a confident strong man who isn't dependent on some woman.

 

That's the most likely way she will reconnect with you. And as a bonus - you realize your self-worth and learn how to to move on with your life. Great huh?

[Royals550]

Listen to greenleaves, it's the best advice on this forum. It's a win/win.

3 weeks is nothing! You'll be faking the part of not being emotionally invested 'if' you see her, she'll sniff right through the facade. Women are highly in tune when it comes to that, it's in their DNA. Go NC forever, she'll either comeback or you'll heal and find someone to fulfill your needs even more then this gal did. Hard to see that now, but trust in us. Experience man, I've done both. One works, one doesn't. 21 day plan will most likely crash and burn. Hit the gym. Eat clean, meet new women, and most of all... Keep your head up.

[kendahke]

what i wanted to ask was what about her replying my text, her calling me even if i left a miss call. skyping even after the break up. she could have easily said no.

 

Who consistently initiates contact? You?

 

She responds because she likes the attention.

 

If she was interested in being won over, she'd be the one initiating conversations and you wouldn't be here asking us what's going on with her because she'd be crystal clear about her intentions.

 

You should ask her what her intentions are when she responds to your communiques.

[Zapbasket]

I can tell you're not yet in a mind-frame to hear that the best thing to do is to stop contacting her. I get it. You feel blindsided because you feel that the time you shared together was deep and special. You wonder how on earth she could let go of something so good, and you feel forlorn that she chose to break off with YOU.

 

Totally understandable to feel this way, but what it's preventing you from seeing is that she chose to break the relationship with you. What that means is that for her, all the conversations and the time together did not mean as much to her as it did to you. Her actions speak that very clearly: she broke off with you. Bottom line is, if someone feels a relationship is special and fulfilling their needs, they don't end it. Yes, she could have her head up her arse. Yes, she could be confused about what she wants. But think about the times you've severed a relationship with someone. You feel awful, you dread having to do it because it means big change for you and having to deal with the discomfort of a loss, but once you get up the courage to end the relationship, you are VERY CLEAR in that moment that you MUST do it. There might be confusion afterward, e.g., "Did I do the right thing?" But usually that's more out of guilt and the stir of bad feelings that a breakup engenders for BOTH sides, than it is about having any actual confusion that breaking up was the necessary thing to do. If she ever reconsiders, it won't be because of anything you do or say to her, I promise you that.

 

Let her go. Don't hang on after someone who does not want to be with you. Don't misread the FACT: she broke up with you. Whatever the reason why she responds to your texts and calls does not change the fact that she CHOSE to leave you. Maybe she feels guilty. Maybe she is trying not to hurt you any further. Maybe she doesn't want to have to completely lose you from her life because no matter what, having to face a loss of any kind is hard whether you ended the relationship, or were the one left.

 

Your actions now are about honoring YOU. You are not someone that someone should want to leave; no one is. You have to carry yourself in that spirit of self-regard because otherwise there is no way you ever will find that person who will want a relationship with you UNWAVERINGLY.

 

Trust me on this. I learned this lesson in a very difficult and painful way, refusing to face the FACT that I got left. If I had it to do over again, I'd do it exactly the way I'm advising you to do it.

[ExpatInItaly]

My honest guess? Her ex has asked her for another chance but she's keeping you as a back-up in case he leaves again.

 

Don't do that to yourself. Cut contact completely. As a woman I can tell you that her even mentioning an ex as a reason for breaking up with you means he's still in the picture somehow.

[perol]

so she broke up. told me i can call her anytime. if i text her she replies. if i call her, she either answers or returns my call. this is after i told her to cut a guy off completely dont answer his text or phone.

 

You don't have the authority to tell her what she can and cannot do and who she can and cannot talk to. Especially now that you are no longer her boyfriend.

 

You do have the power to walk away and limit the effect she has on you.

[keep]

thank you all for your advices. it helps a lot to have diff views when you are going crazy. to help sort out the mess inside my head and heart.

 

so no one believes in pursuing to win their ex back. i dont mean pursuing them when you are emotionaly unstable but once ur healed. i read this

 

check in from time to time. Don’t lose touch. Let them feel endlessly comfortable and loved by you. In the end, they will see the light.

 

so none of this ??? its not the way to go ?

[keep]

My honest guess? Her ex has asked her for another chance but she's keeping you as a back-up in case he leaves again.

 

Don't do that to yourself. Cut contact completely. As a woman I can tell you that her even mentioning an ex as a reason for breaking up with you means he's still in the picture somehow.

ya i feel that her ex is very much in the picture. as a woman you dont believe in pursuing. i mean winning her back ??

no talking about getting back togather, but just being there for her, showing you love her.

checking on her from time to time.

[Royals550]

thank you all for your advices. it helps a lot to have diff views when you are going crazy. to help sort out the mess inside my head and heart.

 

so no one believes in pursuing to win their ex back. i dont mean pursuing them when you are emotionaly unstable but once ur healed. i read this

 

check in from time to time. Don’t lose touch. Let them feel endlessly comfortable and loved by you. In the end, they will see the light.

 

so none of this ??? its not the way to go ?

 

 

Endlessly comfortable?! That's garbage. This would only work in a perfect world. Human nature to chase and desiring what's out of reach works. But going NC isn't about that, it's about getting you back. Once you've successfully completed about 60 days worth you will have a more emotionally detached view on the relationship. Which in turn should cause you to not want someone who dropped you. It's a win win my brother. Anything else is torture. She'll throw you breadcrumb texts and you'll over analyze each one. Unless she asks to meet up or ask you back, it's crumbs.

[kendahke]

thank you all for your advices. it helps a lot to have diff views when you are going crazy. to help sort out the mess inside my head and heart.

 

so no one believes in pursuing to win their ex back. i dont mean pursuing them when you are emotionaly unstable but once ur healed. i read this

 

check in from time to time. Don’t lose touch. Let them feel endlessly comfortable and loved by you. In the end, they will see the light.

 

so none of this ??? its not the way to go ?

 

None of this. No, it's not the way to go.

 

She is behaving like someone who doesn't want to return to what you offer. Her responding to your texts is her not wanting to have to turn into a B in order for you to get the hint that her lack of initiative makes plainly clear--- to most of us on this thread---- that she's moved on.

 

There is no "light" to see here. It's just pretty rhetoric designed to keep you chained to the mast of a sinking ship.

 

Whoever wrote that is getting paid handsomely for saying that.

 

If she wanted to be with you, you would not be confused and this thread wouldn't have been started. She'd be with you.

[keep]

hi once again thank you for your replies. actually reading your replies makes it easier to deal with the hurt.

 

so today my friend who is dating my ex's friend told me this. one of the reason she broke up with me is because, i love her too much and she feels guilty that she has so little to give in return.

 

is that even a thing. seriously that confusing as hell. would love any input. especially from the female perspective .

[Royals550]

That's 'womenese' for she's no longer on board for a relationship with you. That's just an excuse that makes her sound honerable and less guilty. don't be confused. That's very clear. Go NC

[kendahke]

hi once again thank you for your replies. actually reading your replies makes it easier to deal with the hurt.

 

so today my friend who is dating my ex's friend told me this. one of the reason she broke up with me is because, i love her too much and she feels guilty that she has so little to give in return.

 

is that even a thing. seriously that confusing as hell. would love any input. especially from the female perspective .

 

My niece just posted this meme on her instagram page and it so applies to you:

 

"If I have to text you first every time for us to talk, I'm eventually just gonna drop you."

 

There is only one perspective here and it's not gender exclusive: disinterest means disinterest. Nothing will spark interest where there is no will for it. She is over whatever it was you thought you two had. There isn't enough love in the world to make someone change their mind and do what they do not want to do.

 

If she cannot come to you of her own volition, then you will have to accept that she doesn't want what you have to offer. She has changed her mind, which is her right to do--she's not married to you and is free to leave when she wants to leave. The same latitude is available to you when you meet someone you don't feel it for who wants you to ignore what you want in order to give them their way.