Mr. Lucky Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Since we won't change anyone's minds here let's focus on the ick factor of sleeping with someone who goes on to formally confess how wrong it is and comes back begging for more. The term "ick factor" would indicate it's against your will or at least your better judgement. Strange given your voluntary participation. Also, like many WS, you refuse to consider the ethics or morality of your actions but your initial post sits in judgement of your AP. Lots of contradictions ... Mr. Lucky 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hello Genius Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 I think I'd feel kind of indifferent. How do you feel about it? I feel his line of thinking to be warped. We all square the circle when it meets our needs but I find the formalized ritual a tad creepy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hello Genius Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 You're cheating with a "Catholic" boyfriend who uses his "free out of hell card" through confession. You claim to be an "atheist/secular humanist" who is not being humane to your own husband. Why are you confused by the glaring hypocrisy you both embrace? Smh.... The degree of hypocrisy is directly proportional to the degree to which you have expressly defined a set a rules to live by. (See Dennis Hastert) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hello Genius Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 But, do you even believe in Hell since you don't believe in God? I don't believe there is a hell but he does and that's the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Not actually an idiot. Has advanced degrees from Ivy League school. formal education & intelligence are two VERY different things -- he can be Ivy League educated & still dense. But in this case he has checked his brain at the door. i think it's his coping mechanism - i assume he comes from a really strict, super religious family so it's kind of expected. i dated this dude who felt imense guilt about having premarital sex. he knew how stupid it is & how he won't really burn in hell for it - BUT he still went to confession literally every other week & then we would be at it again. it becomes like an OCD of sorts, especially to those who are interested in form more than the substance of the religion. it "sooths" them for a while - the confession. how do you feel about it - are you turned off by it or just really intrigued? Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Catholics churches usually don't recognize divorce and Catholics don't tend to divorce, so your boyfriend must kind of be a s**** person for someone to have ended his marriage. He's kind of a tool and seems like an idiot. Not actually an idiot. Has advanced degrees from Ivy League school. But in this case he has checked his brain at the door. Catholics do divorce all the time. Yours. You wouldn't feel the need to hide it and keep it a secret if you didn't think that it was wrong, Your husband might feel it's wrong too, and your boyfriend. People don't typically confess to things they don't feel are wrong.[/ The formality of confession takes it to another level of weirdness Oh wow, advanced degrees from Ivy League schools:eek:, impressive and convenient. Yeah right.. even if I believed that, I didn't write that he was uneducated, I wrote that he was a s**** person and an idiot. All the degrees and education in the world won't make up for the fact that he's a moron. I also wrote that Catholic churches usually don't recognize divorce and that Catholics don't tend to divorce, not that it doesn't happen. So for someone who is Catholic to go through with divorce, there must be a grave and serious reason, and that reason seems to be that tool of a boyfriend you're seeing. You, him and your husband all share terrible taste in partners. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
jen1447 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I feel his line of thinking to be warped. We all square the circle when it meets our needs but I find the formalized ritual a tad creepy. It's the confession part specifically, not the fact that he's sort of exposing the affair by doing it? I doubt I'd ever be involved with a deeply religious or quasi-religious person, but I guess if I was I'd find a compulsive need to bend to some religious ritual a bit offputting, especially if they were only superficially religious. (I'd have more issues with them believing and feeling morally satisfied at having spent a few minutes alone with some guy in a dark booth whispering secrets as some sort of absolution than anything else.) I don't normally like to mess w/ppl's religious beliefs or traditions but I'd be inclined to tell him "you know that doesn't actually change anything, right?" (And I mean in a practical context, not a religious one. The religious stuff is his business, but his being knowingly and willingly hypocritical under the guise of some complex rationalization is mine.) 4 Link to post Share on other sites
eye of the storm Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I work with a guy that loves telling people how smart he is. And he uses the proper vocabulary to make you believe him. He knows all the quotes. Likes to talk about how people who follow "outdated" moral codes are sheep...etc etc etc. And it is funny, I watch him. I watch his "moral" compass constantly swing to what ever is popular or controversial (depending on his mood). To me, he is just a sad example of someone who needs to act superior to others to make himself feel better. You asked if your APs behavior was icky without ever thinking about your own behavior. His "icky" behavior has nothing to do with his confessing. It has everything to do with sleeping with you. Which plays back to your behavior. It is also "icky" as you are sleeping around on your H. You seem awfully "above" your AP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I don't know. That whole confession thing would totally turn me off, if I were you, OP. Too hypocritical for my personal taste. But whatevvs Link to post Share on other sites
qubist Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Hello Genius: I don't know how religious you were before turning atheist,but I can tell you from my own experience that many religious people get blinded and loose their logical analyzing. I wouldn't even call him hypocrite he is just a weak believer. if you are Ok with him being what he is you shouldn't worry about his confessions, however keep in mind ( this is if you have any future plans with him) that in his mind you are just a non believer who would end up in hell, the second he gains some strength in his faith he will not look at you the same. he probably knows deep inside that your relationship is wrong but at this time the temptations are too strong to ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
TexasMan68 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 New poster here. I am currently in a extramarital relationship with a single, divorced man who is Catholic. I won't go into the reasons how or why we are in a relationship. Ive been married 25 years and staying that way. It's complicated. The point of this thread is my boyfriend told me he goes to church and regularly confesses his sin of adultery (with me). He feels good about our continuing to have sex since he has this mechanism to wipe the slate clean and proceed on to heaven when the time comes. So all good. I'm an atheist/secular humanist (if we are using labels) so it freaked me out a little. He also is in a relationship with another woman long distance but says he doesn't confess to sex with his other girlfriend since it's only a minor sin. Should I be flattered? No I think you should feel like the adulterer that you are. We know....its complicated. If your concerned about his hypocritical confessions go find another atheist to cheat with. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hello Genius Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 I work with a guy that loves telling people how smart he is. And he uses the proper vocabulary to make you believe him. He knows all the quotes. Likes to talk about how people who follow "outdated" moral codes are sheep...etc etc etc. And it is funny, I watch him. I watch his "moral" compass constantly swing to what ever is popular or controversial (depending on his mood). To me, he is just a sad example of someone who needs to act superior to others to make himself feel better. You asked if your APs behavior was icky without ever thinking about your own behavior. His "icky" behavior has nothing to do with his confessing. It has everything to do with sleeping with you. Which plays back to your behavior. It is also "icky" as you are sleeping around on your H. You seem awfully "above" your AP. You criticize me for stepping outside YOUR belief system and you're coming off defensive... The part I find icky is his whispering about our private encounters to a celibate "stranger in a dark box." The guy you work with does sound like an ass. Nothing wrong with proper vocabulary though. However, it's the incorrect grammar/vocab that jumps out at me. I'm not above my AP. He is an amazing, generous, accomplished individual and I'm lucky to know him. Link to post Share on other sites
Southern Sun Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) My exMM is a "practicing Catholic." He says the Rosary every day. He thinks God answers his prayers IF he performs certain rituals (even if he sins). Once, after saying the Novena (?? I'm admittedly uneducated on this) for 30+ days in a row, and apparently being granted his request by God, he specifically ignored me immediately afterwards because he felt it would be an insult to God to respond to me, considering I was his "sin." Now, he tried to spin this differently. But that's exactly what he meant. I will at least give him this credit - he avoided going to confession while we were together. However he used to tell me he 'couldn't wait' to finally go (once we managed to end things), because he knew he would just feel so good and free. He said there was nothing like a good confession! But he would put off going to confession because he didn't want to stop the sin. Now there's the irony! He constantly told me how miserable and guilty this affair made him. I hated it and would say, please, let's just stop. And he would look at me like I had two heads and say, well that's a ridiculous suggestion. And huff out of the room. I have NO idea if it is related to his Catholic upbringing, but the man appeared to have a lot of guilt. Or he pretended to. But he wanted to project that onto me. My take on it was that if you are going to choose to behave in this manner (have an affair), then you are choosing all of it. Put on your big boy pants. He used his "guilt" as justification to treat me like sh.t. I believe he used his religion as a method of compartmentalization. He would tell me that he considered a ONS to be less of a sin than our 'love' affair. A ONS was not premeditated, therefore it was a lower level sin (venial vs mortal). It's a "one and done" kind of deal. But because with us, he supposedly had feelings, he had constant guilt. And if he planned for us to get together, that required premeditation, which puts it more in the mortal sin category. This helped explain his behavior to an extent - completely ignore me up until the moment he decides to spring his suggestion of sex on me (so now it's venial, not so bad!). Confession (mis-used) is just a bigger way to compartmentalize. I've sinned, I'm clean, on to the next. Edited October 28, 2015 by Southern Sun Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) I don't believe there is a hell but he does and that's the problem. If this is true his confession shouldn't affect you one bit. To you hell and heaven do not exist so why be angry with him over something that could never happen. If his confession makes him feel better why should it bother you? For some reason people who fornicate do not consider it a sin if they are in love. I know, it's hypocritical and I have to keep reminding them of it. Edited October 28, 2015 by stillafool 1 Link to post Share on other sites
minimariah Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) The part I find icky is his whispering about our private encounters to a celibate "stranger in a dark box." does he talk to other people about your affair? maybe he has the need to discuss it or simply mention it to someone... & chooses a priest because it's pretty much anonymous? i mean, it sounds icky. but in reality, it's probably not that icky or uncomfortable. i doubt he goes into great detail, he probably mentions that he is in love with someone already attached and the priest goes on about morals, forgiveness and love. that's about it. i didn't understand one thing - why is his sex with the other girlfriend a minor sin? is she also attached or...? you mentioned that he is divorced - unless he got a divorce or separation through Church -- he isn't allowed to do a confession. how does he deal with all of that? Edited October 28, 2015 by minimariah Link to post Share on other sites
harrybrown Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I'm not above my AP. He is an amazing, generous, accomplished individual and I'm lucky to know him. So if you are lucky to know him, tell your H, get a D and go be with this wonderful cheating scum. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hello Genius Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 does he talk to other people about your affair? maybe he has the need to discuss it or simply mention it to someone... & chooses a priest because it's pretty much anonymous? i mean, it sounds icky. but in reality, it's probably not that icky or uncomfortable. i doubt he goes into great detail, he probably mentions that he is in love with someone already attached and the priest goes on about morals, forgiveness and love. that's about it. i didn't understand one thing - why is his sex with the other girlfriend a minor sin? is she also attached or...? you mentioned that he is divorced - unless he got a divorce or separation through Church -- he isn't allowed to do a confession. how does he deal with all of that? His priest told him the church would give him a pass on the divorce since his ex wife pursued it. He would have a problem remarrying in the church however. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hello Genius Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 I'm not above my AP. He is an amazing, generous, accomplished individual and I'm lucky to know him. So if you are lucky to know him, tell your H, get a D and go be with this wonderful cheating scum. Technically since he is single he is not a cheating scum. We don't need to live together, we have separate lives and families and obligations. And he has a girlfriend (divorced) who lives in another state. They are not exclusive. We did just table the conversation as he believes my eternal soul is not at risk since I am not a believer. I was too tired to argue the logic in that. He has a funny way of putting things and I would rather laugh and move on. Link to post Share on other sites
ladydesigner Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 The degree of hypocrisy is directly proportional to the degree to which you have expressly defined a set a rules to live by. (See Dennis Hastert) So you are basically saying you are okay with this A no? If your OM went to confess he must feel some kind of guilt otherwise why confess. There is nothing flattering about an A. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Try Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I am currently in a extramarital relationship with a single, divorced man who is Catholic. I won't go into the reasons how or why we are in a relationship. Ive been married 25 years and staying that way.He also is in a relationship with another woman long distance but says he doesn't confess to sex with his other girlfriend since it's only a minor sin. Should I be flattered? You want to stay in your marriage while at the same time have an affair with another man that is also in a romantic relationship with another woman, and the only thing that you think is important enough to ask about here is if you should be flattered? My simple answer is NO, nothing in this situation comes off as flattering to you. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Nothing wrong with proper vocabulary though. However, it's the incorrect grammar/vocab that jumps out at me. Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; Today at 1:47 PM.. Reason: Add paragraphs and move to Infidelity Wasn't it your initial post the mods edited for paragraphs? You seem perfectly happy with what you're doing and not very receptive to input that doesn't agree with the choices you've already made. Guess we'll just agree on the "ick factor"... Mr. Lucky 4 Link to post Share on other sites
sandylee1 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 You seem very happy doing what you're doing, so I don't quite understand what you are seeking here. What he believes in shouldn't be a problem for you. If you've no belief in dragons ......being told that one will breathe fire on you is of no consequence. If you want to be flattered then it's up to you. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
World's.Edge Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 His priest told him the church would give him a pass on the divorce since his ex wife pursued it. Totally called it:), his ex wife divorced him because he's a tool and a dumb***. Kind of says a lot about you if he is who you consider amazing and yourself lucky in being with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hello Genius Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 You want to stay in your marriage while at the same time have an affair with another man that is also in a romantic relationship with another woman, and the only thing that you think is important enough to ask about here is if you should be flattered? My simple answer is NO, nothing in this situation comes off as flattering to you. You didn't get the sarcasm. Sorry. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Hello Genius Posted October 30, 2015 Author Share Posted October 30, 2015 (edited) Wasn't it your initial post the mods edited for paragraphs? You seem perfectly happy with what you're doing and not very receptive to input that doesn't agree with the choices you've already made. Guess we'll just agree on the "ick factor"... Mr. Lucky There were a couple of examples where I was receptive. Edited October 30, 2015 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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