Pursefreak74 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 I'm new here and will try to keep this short and sweet. I currently and typing this from my parents house because I left Him again. I don't know if I can go back, I'm still in love with him, even though he's rude, mean, controlling , and I don't really trust him. Crazy, right? I've been here since Sunday, he does his usual texting me from 10 pm- 6 in the morning. Blaming me, making it all about him. I know I deserve better, I'm ignored, when I talk he looks at me like I'm stupid, he's short with me if I ask a question. He demands all the attention, praise, I think he's what you call a narcissist. We've been married almost 3 yrs. I'm wife number 3, and he's 10 yrs older then me. My entire family hates him for what he's done to me in the past and if I go back they will be devastated. But he calls me a quitter, and I want to prove him wrong.....but yet, I can't keep living this way and being unhappy and lonely. Any advice would be wonderful. Ty in advance. Link to post Share on other sites
anika99 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Going back would be you quitting on yourself. You don't have to prove anything to him. Exactly what would you be proving anyways? That you don't care about yourself? That you will endure endless disrespect? How about you prove to him that you're too damn good for him by divorcing and standing on your own? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pursefreak74 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 Your right! Ty for your opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 But he calls me a quitter What's wrong with being a quitter? Many things are good to quit. Smoking, drinking, drugs, etc. If someone says they quit smoking then you say CONGRATULATIONS! It is not an insult but an achievement. You're quitting a horrible situation. You're quitting on unhappiness. You're quitting on accepting his bad behaviour and disrespect. You're quitting being his doormat, his verbal punch bag, his emotional play-thing. Yes you're a quitter. You should hold your head high, and say that you have quit all those bad things, and are much happier for it! So allow me to be the first to say CONGRATULATIONS!!! 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pursefreak74 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 I never thought of it that way! I'm so going to use that, and tell him those very words! Ty! Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 (edited) I'm so going to use that, and tell him those very words! Ty! You're welcome, but to be honest I wouldn't bother telling that to him. He will just twist it around back at you. He is a master manipulator. Anything you say will be used against you and make you feel bad. Just divorce him and don't tell him anything. You're trying to quit him like you would quit a bad habit, remember? Someone quitting smoking doesn't go to Marlboro HQ to tell them how bad cigarettes are... they just quit... cold turkey! There is only one thing he should be hearing from you and that is silence. Edited October 28, 2015 by PegNosePete 3 Link to post Share on other sites
chasen_the_cycle Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Pursefreak...I'm a quitter too! I'm in a similar situation with a mean, controlling wife (married a year and a half), and I've left twice already in the last year, and I've been talked in to coming back both times. Third time is gonna be the charm as I actually have signed a lease on my own place and I'm out of here in two weeks. I'm quitting this awful excuse for a marriage. I'm quitting dealing with the emotional abuse. I'm quitting allowing her to control me and my life. I'm quitting dealing with her disrespect for my family. Done! Be a quitter! That's absolutely fine, and will lead to a better life!! I am NOT quitting on myself or my happiness! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
chasen_the_cycle Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 You're welcome, but to be honest I wouldn't bother telling that to him. He will just twist it around back at you. He is a master manipulator. Anything you say will be used against you and make you feel bad. Just divorce him and don't tell him anything. You're trying to quit him like you would quit a bad habit, remember? Someone quitting smoking doesn't go to Marlboro HQ to tell them how bad cigarettes are... they just quit... cold turkey! There is only one thing he should be hearing from you and that is silence. I agree with this 100%!! My plan exactly too. Link to post Share on other sites
Minnie09 Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Who cares what he calls you? Just do what you need to do. Don't even bother explaining things to him. It's a waste of time. I don't know what exactly happened in your M, because you don't explain in detail, but if your family hates him they probably do for a reason. And you've left him more than once. Probably also for a reason. Try to be more independent and stop communicating back and forth, especially by text. State your pov, once, make it clear, and be done. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Peach Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Another quitter here. Once you leave such abuse you will eventually feel so much better not being under his control. I highly recommend the book 'Why Does He Do That' by Lundy Bancroft. It's a great book about abusive and controlling people. Just as a caution, don't be surprised he does what I call the slot machine tactic. Since you are not 'behaving' under his control he will try thing after thing to get you back under control. He might step up his abuse (and leaving an abusive man is after the riskiest time). He might also try to be super nice, buy you gifts, etc. Just be prepared to go NC, file for divorce, and get your IRL support network ready to help keep you from going back. Link to post Share on other sites
loveboid Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Go no contact forever with him starting now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Pursefreak74 Posted October 28, 2015 Author Share Posted October 28, 2015 All good advice. To those who quit....congrats! In my case, he goes into a pattern. 3 nights of it being my fault, then when it sinks in that he's going to bed alone, he misses me and then come the I love you more then my first wife. Promises of change, therapy...(all of whIch has been done) then comes making me feel quilty. It's an on going cycle. And I'm the first to admit that I've fallen for it in the past. I can't afford divorce and he says he won't file on me, so I guess it gets drug out until I can. He's a farmer, so during the day he ignores me, at night when he goes to bed is when it starts. Shut off your phone.....I should but some of his words I use to fuel my inner anger, to reaffirm who he really is. It's exhausting though. I shake because of him, scared of his words. They are both a weapon and a drug to me. Link to post Share on other sites
Kristine Posted October 28, 2015 Share Posted October 28, 2015 Here's what I had to do. I blocked his phone number, he could not text me or call me. I did block e-mail for a week, but unblocked it because the divorce isn't final. I also unblocked my phone, but after the initial week or so of blocking it, he didn't even try to contact me that way. Facebook blocking was his idea, I just took it to another level. I blocked his family as well as him (mom, brother, sister in law). Sure others could peek in but doubt he cares that much to even try. I may have liked them but they are his blood not mine. I need to separate myself completely. Decide to leave him, that's only up to you. Yes it's hard to leave someone you love, but you will love another one day who will treat you in a way you'll wonder why you ever stayed as long as you did with him. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
PegNosePete Posted October 29, 2015 Share Posted October 29, 2015 he goes into a pattern There is only one person who can break that pattern. YOU!! You need to block him in every possible way. Block his phone number, email, facebook, everything. If he has something important to say (ie. divorce paperwork) then he can send it in the post. If you can do this for a week, you will feel an amazing sense of empowerment and liberation! And after that week you can decide whether you want to do another week, or go back to the same old cycle... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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